I Finally Read Ch. 5 of Fifty Shades of Grey. Be Grateful That You Didn’t

Chapter 5 is challenging my comedic ability: It’s not funny, it’s just dumb. Like Ana. Short version: Ana wakes up in Christian’s hotel room; they shower but not together; they eat breakfast and have awkward conversation; they make out in the elevator. To which I say ‘it’s about fucking time.’ I was beginning to think there wouldn’t be any anything (and by anything I mean ‘sex and its related activities’).

Sooo…Chapter 5. Yeah. Ana wakes up hung over in a strange room and is not one bit worried about this fact. Instead she gazes around the room grinning like a lobotomized orangutan, enjoying its delightful strangeness. Cue the eye rolling. Because that’s what always happens when you wake up hung over in a strange place. You might expect that Ana would wonder where she is, or how she got there, but not our Ana. Poor special Ana. No wonder Christian keeps backing off. He’s trying to determine if she even has the legal capacity to consent to sex (I’m not convinced that she does).

Suddenly the hamster that powers Ana’s brain starts running again because she realizes that this is Christian’s hotel room.  Then she puts the pieces together and realizes this is not just Christian’s hotel room, but also Christian’s bed! And she has no pants! Now she is worried.

Ana then finds Advil and a glass of orange juice on the nightstand and immediately thinks, “What a control freak!” Oh sweetie, normal people call this “thoughtfulness”. You may not have heard of it. I can’t help but wonder if Ana was raised in a laboratory, with a Real Doll as a mother substitute because she doesn’t seem to understand how normal human interactions work. I get that R. L. James is setting up the whole dominant/submissive thing but its sooo heavy handed. She just shoves it into places where it doesn’t fit (hehehe that’s what she said).

Christian appears in the bedroom fresh from a workout and the crappy couple talk awkwardly about last night. Christian threatens spankings all around. “If you were mine…” he says. Your what? Your daughter? Blech. It’s supposed to be erotic, but it comes off like this:

And then comes the part where I almost cheered out loud: Ana finally figures out what all those funny feelings “down there” are all about – sexual desire. And she did it all on her own! I’m so proud of her. She’s all grown up now. *Sniff* With that, Ana’s subconscious does a happy dance in a bright red hula skirt. You heard me. Those actual words appear in this book. They made it past the editor _and_ the proof reader. Apparently Ana’s subconscious is a very busy bunch of ladies.

Christian then threatens to beat up Jose for no real reason, and Ana tells him he is very disciplinarian. Again with the heavy handed foreshadowing. Oy Vey, it’s annoying! Moving right along: Christian showers, Ana showers, they have breakfast. During breakfast Christian asks normal friendly questions which Ana characterizes as The Christian Grey Inquisition.  She gets ridiculously offended. I would too, if somebody asked me rude, intrusive questions like, “Do you have any plans for this week?” or “Would you like to work for my company?” Christian Grey you are such a prying ass!

Christian tells Ana that he won’t touch her ‘that way’ until he has her consent in writing. Considering  Ana’s intellectual capacity, that’s probably for the best. Ana agrees to come back tonight and find out just what he means by that. Christian then calls his assistant, saying he’ll need Charlie Tango. Ana wonders who Charlie Tango is. Face, meet palm. She’s never heard of the NATO phonetic alphabet? You know: Alfa, Bravo, Charlie? Ringing any bells? Nothing? Sigh.

Ana is amazed to find out that Christian has a helicopter. He’s supposedly stinking rich, so of course he has a helicopter, stupid. But then, Ana is also amazed when his employees do what he tells them to. And she says so. Out loud. In a line straight out of the Simpsons, he tells her that he can be ‘very persuasive.’ I imagine him saying, “Awww come on…leave town. I’ll be your friend. Awww…You’re mean!” I’m not sure, but I don’t think that’s what E. L. James had in mind.

They finish breakfast, and Ana goes to dry her hair. In the bathroom she brushes her teeth with Christian’s toothbrush. Eeeewww! Who does that? But even grosser: why did she wait this long to brush her teeth?! That whole time she’s been wafting vomitty morning breath onto Christian?! She’s like Ke$ha lite. Or ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ke$ha’ even. Bleh!

Finally, Christian escorts her into the elevator where hilarity ensues. Once inside he shouts, “Fuck the paperwork,” and they make out like awkward 16 year olds until the elevator stops to pick up more passengers. “You brushed your teeth,” he says (sexfully). Oh Christian, you silver-tongued devil! I practice basic hygiene? Sexy, sexy basic hygiene?! I’m yours!

We’re on a roll here folks! Maybe someday they’ll have actual factual sex. Or something. Maybe in Chapter 6? One can only hope. And sigh. Lots of sighing.

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