I Read Chapter 6 of 50 Shades of Grey. And Discover a Wealth of No Sex

Lies! Filthy, filthy lies! I was promised sex in this chapter, and there was not one bit of sex to be had for love or money. The actual sex, if and when it occurs, had better be pretty darn good, because the lead up has sucked so long, and so hard. Chapter 6 was just words upon words upon words to no effect. Here’s the “action”: Christian drives Ana home, she goes to work, and then Christian flies her to his penthouse in a helicopter. No part of this is interesting. Christian makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement, and then shows her his ‘playroom’.  Chapter 6 ends.

Yeah. That’s seriously chapter 6.

Since nothing much of note happens in this chapter, I’ll fill space by mentioning something that’s been bothering me. I’m not sure how Christian and Ana are going to have sex, since Ana doesn’t appear to have any genitals. Christian has had an erection at one point, so we’ve established that he has at least some of the equipment, but Ana not so much. She has ‘clenchings’ in her ‘belly’, but that’s not where the sex happens. She only seems to have a ‘down there’, which in my mind indicates that she’s like a Barbie doll – all smooth plastic and painted-on, non-removable underwear. We’ll see how that plays out, I guess.

During the ride home Christian fields an endless series of phone calls and largely ignores Ana (boring, but believable). Then the chapter goes all face-palmy. As they pull up to her house Ana wonders how Christian could possibly know where she lives. Sigh. Internet? Ever hear of that? Phonebook? One of those would be my guess…

Ana then spends four paragraphs at work, where she stocks shelves. This time around she calls the activity “mindless” which is a perfect match to her skillset. You know, of not having a mind. Or whatever. Also, I stand vindicated for calling bullshit when Ana described stocking shelves as ‘totally absorbing’. It’s not. Christian then picks her up straight after work, so she’s good and stanky.

The crappy couple drive to the heliport, where Ana thinks, “Elevator!” Um. OK. Don’t tax your brain too much honey, I’m pretty sure it’ll void the warranty: just stand there looking pretty. Also, kumquat. Christian is apparently an accomplished pilot and tells Ana she’s safe with him…while they’re in the air. And then he winks at her. Here I quote: “Winking…Christian!” Oh Christian! You and your dirty, sexful winking! We are ALL scandalised to the extent required by this situation. Which is to say not at all. That’s all it takes to scandalise her? I’m pretty sure she’s lying about that degree in English. Some of those books are just chock full of winking. Nodding too. 0_o

They arrive safely at Christian’s penthouse, where he tells Ana she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. Ana assures him that she never does anything she doesn’t want to. The irony is strong in this one. We’ve firmly established that she can be pushed into just about any situation. She met Christian because her roommate convinced her, against her better judgement, to pose as a student reporter! So, yeah. Keep telling yourself that Ana.

She wanders around Christian’s penthouse for a bit, impressed by the tasteful white furniture and paint. ZZZZZzzzzz. Why would anyone with taste and money have white walls or furniture? Apparently this is E. L. James’ shorthand for understated good taste. Mmmmm…bland-alicious! Then they sign the abovementioned NDA, and head for the ‘playroom.’

Well, at least now I know what all those needless, misplaced references to the Spanish Inquisition have been about. When Ana walks into the ‘playroom’ at last, she feels like she’s walked into the Spanish Inquisition. She describes the playroom thusly: “Holy fuck!” I can understand her surprise because, after all, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. :/ Their chief weapon is surprise.

All I have to say is this next chapter had better be good. I had better be pretty darn scandalized and titillated. Will I be titillated? Or bored and disappointed? Only time will tell…

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