I Read Chapter 7 of Fifty Shades of Grey.


Oh God, I am sooo sick of reading this book. I thought this would be a bit of a larf, but it’s getting tortuous. Is it some kind of meta-B&D thing where E.L. James punishes me by flogging me with this book? Am I her bitch? Is she sporting leathers and a whip? I hope so.

This chapter was full of “surprises”. “Surprise” 1: they don’t have sex. “Surprise” 2: the ‘playroom’ didn’t shock or titillate me. Maybe I’m too jaded? It’s more than a remote possibility. At least it was short – only about 10 pages. So, that’s what didn’t happen. Here’s what did:

Ana and Christian check out the ‘playroom’ – it’s burgundy and red and filled with shackles, riding crops, handcuffs, and of course, a red leather bed. Ana asks some basic B&D questions. The kind that any twenty-one year old with google ought already to know. Deep, insightful questions like, “You do this to people?” Sigh. One hopes it’s people.

They then go downstairs to talk, and eat what apparently passes for classy rich-people food these days: a selection of cheeses (of no particular kind), grapes (both red and green!) and some French baguette (as opposed to, say, Guatemalan baguette). They eat, talk and engage in some erotic emotional blackmail. Christian tells Ana she doesn’t have to agree to any of this but if she doesn’t they will have no relationship at all. Nothing screams hot monkey-sex like emotional blackmail! I figure Ana should have walked out at this point, but hey, if you can’t make stupid choices when you’re young, when can you make them? And also, then the book would be over. Then it would only be like 2 ½ Shades of Grey.

After some wine Ana finally mans up and asks him how many women he’s had in his den of mediocrity.  Christian claims to have had 15. Ana is surprised, as she expected more. Really? I totally expected her to be the first one. Christian is such a creeper I don’t think any woman would touch him with a ten foot pole. But again this is fiction, so we’ll let it pass. Fifteen: sure buddy, whatever you say…

Wingus and Dingus then go over the proposed rules of their liaison, as well as a working draft of Christian’s limits. The rules are just kinda dumb. For instance, the only snack Ana can eat is fruit. WTF? Not veg? Not a couple of Ryvitas? What’s the point of that? So her blood sugar can spike and then drop precipitously, sending her into a diabetic coma? And how does he propose to monitor this? They aren’t going to be living together…so sure dude, I’ll sign your contract. <insert eye rolling here>

The draft limits just seem like good sense to me, but Ana is still shock-ified. No animals, or children. No urination, or defection, etc. See? Plain good sense. Christian then tries to get Ana to discuss her limits, whereupon she drops the bomb. She’s never had sex. Christian is angry out of all logical proportion. Why hasn’t she told him this before?! Man, his people skills need some serious polishing if this came as any kind of surprise to him. I’m not sure how he made all his money with absolutely zero ability to read people. Seriously. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

Sooo…? Onward to Chapter eight! Eighth time’s a charm, right? I’m sure this book gets better, right? Right?! Come on, you’re not sounding very positive. I’m starting to worry…


11 thoughts on “I Read Chapter 7 of Fifty Shades of Grey.

  1. I have absolutely no desire to read this book, but I am loving reading your blog! I’m with Stories–thanks for falling on the sword for the rest of us!

    • You’re welcome. 🙂 My sister and I were giggling about Fifty Shades one night, and thought there needed to be a ‘so you don’t have to’ blog for it. Then I realized if I wanted one, why not just do it myself? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Also 50 Shades was on sale…

  2. I really admire your dedication. I would have given up long ago. Around p.1. But _red_ grapes? One calls them black, n’est-ce pas? And defection? Round here one says defecation. Actually one doesn’t. One says shitting. Doing poo-poos. Number twos. Whatever.

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