Come One, Come All, as I Read Sexy, Sexy Chapter 8 of Fifty Shades of Grey

I posted this in a rush before work – any typos or oddness, lemme know in the comments and I’ll fix tonight. Tks. 

– Raven-

Sooo…Chapter 8. Yeah. Chapter 8.

On a positive note, they do in fact have sex in this chapter. In fact that’s pretty well all that happens. Except for the piano thing. We’ll get to that. When we left our dynamic duo, they were in Christian’s office where Ana had just admitted to being a virgin. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Christian paces and tears at his hair.

Then he says this: “How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”

Well, you see Christian, when the mandatory sex gangs came around, my parents hid me in the root cellar under a pile of dead cats…Seriously? Is this the dumbest (and most awkwardly worded) question ever? It’s at least a runner-up. One assumes she avoided sex by NOT HAVING ANY SEX.

Long, boring story short, Christian agrees to make an exception to his policy of no-making-love, since Ana is such a pathetic noob. Ana thinks: Wishes do come true! Just like in My Little Pony! So it’s off to the bedroom! Where almost every part of what happens gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies.

Christian takes of his shoes and socks, and Ana is immediately turned on. Oh those sexy ankles! So bony and awkward… Hey Ana, the Victorian Era just called, it wants it’s prudery back. “What is it about naked feet?” Ana thinks to herself. Yes. What is it about naked feet? The stink? The nail fungus? The toe jam? Everything about feet is sexy.

Christian pulls out a box of condoms, and says, “Be prepared.” Great. Because I needed to think of boy scouts and sex all at the same time. Boy Scouts of America can provide that kind of ick all on their own thank you very much. Also: is that a Boy Scout salute in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Christian says, “Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?” Oh Christian, we both know that she doesn’t. She’s a bit, you know…sigh. Christian later asks Ana to show him how she pleasures herself, and she claims to have noooo idea what he even means by that. Oh, honey, this girl is a lawsuit waiting to happen. You’d better finalize that contract first.

Christian then oohs and aahhhs over her flawless pale skin. Of course, the most beautiful girls are ultra whitey-white. So he’s a homophobe *and* a racist. Nice. How do you like your coffee Christian? Like you like your women? Pale and insipid? Ugh.

Ana repeatedly mentions how her nipples harden, and then harden again. Here’s what I thought:

Probably not what the author intended huh? Maybe…

And yes! On page 115, we are finally assured that Ana has a groin. Phew. I was nervous there for a while. And on page 119 she gains a clitoris, so yay! This actually might be possible. Things are going swimmingly.

Then this gets said: “I’m  going to fuck you now, Miss Steele.” Um, OK. But will there be a running commentary like this the whole time? ‘Cuz that’s annoying. Who talks like this? I’d guess he was an android, except that he uses contractions in his sentences. So, the sex? As good, and as realistic as any fanfic I’ve read. I guess. And then sleeping, even though Christian has forbidden her to sleep in his bed.

Ana wakes to find Christian gone, and playing sad, sad, soulful piano. We end the chapter with this revelation: Christian Grey haz a sad.

Ohhhh…I see what you did there. He’s hardhearted and distant to make up for some hurt buried deep in his past, and which only Ana, with her pure innocent sweetness, can mend. Excuse me while I bbbblllleeaaaaaarrrrrghhhh…Blllleeaaaagghhhhh…Okay, I think I’m good. I just need to bllleearrrrgghhhhh…No. Ok. I’m fine. I’m fine.

It can only go up from here right? Chapter 9 can only be better. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.




2 thoughts on “Come One, Come All, as I Read Sexy, Sexy Chapter 8 of Fifty Shades of Grey

  1. Well, you might have actually *shown us* teh sex. “As good, and as realistic as any fanfic I’ve read. I guess.” just won’t do. We want actual, yer know, *fucking?* Blow by blow. As ’twere. All the up-and downy bits. The in-and-outy bits. The squirmy, squelchy, squidgy bits. The. O excuse me. That’s never happened before.
    How do you like your coffee, Christian? Not up your arse, then.

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