Chapter 11 of Fifty Shades is Full of Hot, Sexy Contractual Action

No, not really. You should know better by now.

Sooooo. Chapter 11. Yeah…

Chapter 11 is the goddamn contract. Because you know what makes gripping, unputdownable reading? Contracts. I can’t tell you how many blissful hours I’ve spent reading contracts in all their rich pageantry. Oh wait, yes I can. Zero.

There’s a reason no one ever reads contracts, even when it is in their best interest to do so. Because contracts are boring. You can’t even sex up a contract with, well, sex. What can I say about the contract that isn’t dead boring?

Not much.

Despite being in full-on scaldingly boring legalese, the contract doesn’t SAY much of anything. No one is contracting FOR anything. When you make a contract, each party gets something. For instance if you and I contract to sell my house: I get money, and you get my house. Money. House. Exchanged. See? Here nothing is exchanged. Sex for sex? That’s like having a contract that says “I’ll hand you 20 bucks and then you hand it back.”

Which is basically what happens here. Its an agreement, and a set of guidelines, it’s a laundry list of BDSM dos and don’ts, but that’s not so much a contract. Ana, “the Submissive” agrees to submit to a whippings, canings, sexual servicing. Christian, “the Dominant” agrees to dominate in various ways using the aforementioned whips, canes, and sex. It even includes appendices (!) outlining required sleep, permissible food, and required exercise.  Zzzzzzz…

I just have to say: it must take special talent to make BDSM seem so freaking boring.

(The only thing really interesting is this: Ana agrees to be the property of Christian for the duration of this little picnic in the woods. But guess what? You can’t agree to that. You can’t own a human being. Nice try though).

Ana’s poor little brain is completely overloaded by all this. Although I expect contemplating the menu at McDonald’s would be similarly short-circuiting for her. If she was an android, her head would start to smoke right about now. You might want to back away. Just in case.

Then we’re back in to the searing hot sexy action as Christian sends Ana a laptop. Because, I may not have mentioned this before, but Ana does not have a computer. And then Ana uses it to email Christian long, torrid, sexy emails. Ha! Not really. They send curt, and frankly boring emails, which I’m assuming are meant to be playful.

Then, for no apparent reason, Ana is all buddy-buddy with Jose again. So much so that he doesn’t even believe it. They go for lunch, and walk arm in arm. Run Jose! Run for the hills. The crazy is strong in this one. Though I guess we can’t expect Ana to remember everything that happens to her? There’s only so much room in her little, cobwebby brain.

She goes back home, and exchanges more dull email with Mr. Grey. Christian finally insists that she google BDSM. Sometime later she’s confused and scared and horny. And she’s not really sure why. She “needs time to think.” No honey, you need a brain to think.

And that’s Chapter 11. The whole damn thing.

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