Chapter 13. Lucky 13. Not so lucky. After all, I had to read it and nothing much happens. The short version: facepalm, facepalm, facepalm, facepalm. I still don’t give a rat’s ass about Ana or Christian: neither of them is particularly likeable. The sex is not very good, and not very often. I don’t need a book if I want bad, infrequent sex. That’s what real life is for! Why couldn’t it be good and plenty? Dark and lovely? Bed, bath and beyond? Wait. I’m channelling the Homestarrunner. Let’s watch Homestar instead.
Okay, okay. Back to Fifty Shades…here’s the exhilarating action: Ana calls her mom, then reads her email. Woo hoo! I was on the edge of my seat! In the last Chapter our crappy couple made a plan to meet Wednesday for a round of contract negotiations. The edge-of-your-seatery continues as Christian emails Ana a definition of the word ‘submissive’. Ana responds by emailing him the definition of the word compromise. Look. We get it. You both know how to use dictionary.com. Enough already. Now send him a cat video. That’s what the internet is all about. The dynamic duo then exchange seven (seven!) emails to confirm that they will meet at The Heathman Hotel at 7pm. Gripping! Then Ana calls her dad. Could this get any more boring?
Yes. In fact it could.
Ana goes to work where she turns down the boss’s brother, Paul, who asks her for a date. Paul does not believe she has a date. He outright accuses her of lying about it (nice guy – why does she keep turning him down again?).
Then the gripping drama continues as Ana has a shower! Then blow dries her hair! Then gets dressed! She decides it’s a good idea to wear stiletto heels, even though she falls ass over teakettle in flats. Much is made of her clumsiness but no comedic payoff is forthcoming. Come on! She doesn’t fall over once. Or even teeter precariously. Hmph. I want my money back.
Then it’s finally time for the whole point of this pointless chapter – the negotiation meeting. They are taken to a private dining room where they are fed mixed nuts and some olives. Seriously? The swankiest hotel in Portland and they give you mixed nuts and olives? Are they really swanky mixed nuts at least? There’s just no way to know as James never describes them. I know I’ve harped about this before, and I know food isn’t the point of the book but if Ana is so overwhelmed by the Richie Richness of Christian’s lifestyle, she’d notice the details. And the point of the book, any book, is to use description to make you feel like you’re really there. I feel like I’m in a Motel Six.
Christian has already ordered, and Ana is secretly glad that she doesn’t have to think anymore. Its pretty obvious to all parties that Ana and thinking don’t mix. Christian tries to sell her on the contract based on the fact that she won’t have to think anymore if she is his sub. IKR? Ana has already had to choose between two sets of clothes that Kate laid out for her. That’s all the thinking she can do for one night apparently. More and more I get the feeling that Kate really isn’t her ‘roommate’. At some point I’m fairly sure it will be revealed that Kate is actually Ana’s personal care attendant.
They finally start talking about the contract. Christian has brought Ana’s emailed list of objections. They manage to talk about the food and sleep provisions. Ana refuses to sleep or eat. She tells Christian that no one will dictate what she eats! Odd, since she’s been perfectly happy to let Christian order every meal they’ve eaten together. Ha! But he can’t make her actually eat them! Passive-agressivey goodness!
They don’t talk very long before they get all hot and bothered. Christians eyes, “burn molten silver with compelling need.” Molten silver is actually orange. His eyes are orange? Holy Fucking hell, is he the GD devil?! We never find out, because instead of having sex, Ana bolts for the door and then goes home and cries. Again. Nothing says healthy relationship like incessant crying.
The chapter then closes with another gripping email. Ana laments that Christian can’t have a proper relationship because this is all he knows. Okaaaayyy…keep telling yourself that, sweet cheeks. I’m pretty sure he’s well aware of how a normal relationship works. He just isn’t interested in normal. That’s not the same thing. Ugh. Will either of our crappy couple ever normal up? Will they do the right thing and never speak again? Will Christian have Ana killed and dumped in the ocean? Probably not. But you’ll only find out by waiting for the next gripping email filled installment of I Read 50 Shades So You Don’t Have To.