Still a Better Love Story Than Ch. 14 of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Chapter 14 of 50 Shades…In Chapter 14, Anastasia gradulates.
courtesy of

That’s some hot sexy gradulating action. No, not really. For ‘mommy porn’ there’s an awful lot of story and not a lot of porn. Excuse me waiter, there seems to be a story in my porn. Can you get me a fresh one?

The chapter starts out with Anastasia having the female equivalent of a wet dream. She expresses surprise, saying, “I didn’t know I could dream sex.” Well, you could fill an alternate universe with the things you don’t know, honey. She does know tea though, and she heads off to the kitchen to make some, and to avoid telling Kate anything incriminating.

Ana’s step-father arrives to take her to the graduation ceremony, and I’m thirty shades of bored already. Her stepfather is a caring everyman who’s chuffed as chips to see his little girl gradulate. Except he’s not even really her dad. He’s one of her mom’s creepy exes who has taken Ana under his creepy wing. Bleh. I think I just gave myself the jibblies. Ana’s mom BTW can’t come to the ceremony because her current husband twisted his ankle. And poor, gullible Ana buys this without question.

At the university, Ana is super nervous because Christian has been asked to give a speech and confer the degrees. She gets seated alphabetically between two girls who spend the whole ceremony talking across her. This was the first relatable incident in the whole book. On page 234. The same thing happened to me during my call ceremony. It was annoying. So I am just like Ana! Only without the crazed millionaire stalker guy. Oh well, the LSUC hall was waayyyy cooler than any generic university auditorium, so there’s that. I guess.

Christian appears on stage and Ana is shocked and turned on to see that he is wearing their special bondage tie (the one on the book’s front cover). Oh Christian, you devil! Wearing a tie with your suit. The annoying bookend girls notice Christian too, and Ana pipes up to tell them that he is gay. This. Is. Not. Funny. Let’s drop the gay thing right here. Shall we? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I need to cleanse my palate…with some Link/Lord Ghirahim ‘shipping.

Still a better love story than 50 Shades of Grey
with my tongue!

Ha! You saw it. You can’t unsee it.

Where were we? The metaphysical implications of the statement, “I am not here?” No, huh? Oh yeah. That damn book. Christian gives a speech where he reveals to all that he has, “known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry.” Suddenly it becomes clear to Ana – poor Christian raised by some neglectful crack-whore before being adopted into money. Poor baby. Isn’t his pain sexy? I gotta say, not really. If only because so far there has been nothing likeable about his character.

When Ana finally goes up to get her degree, Christian is all, “why haven’t you emailed me. Wah! I’m a whiney baby.” Or words to that effect. Ana responds that they are holding up the line and goes back to her seat. Then Ana gets to show up the bookend girls when Kate comes out to tell Ana that Christian has asked for her backstage. How catty is that? They mentioned his name and now she’ll show them! Ha…okay. Whatever. Any reader who got satisfaction out of that exchange is hereby banned from reading for life (I’m the book Nazi. No books for you!”).

Once she gets back stage Christian locks her in a room with him and…nope. Not what you’re thinking. He reprises the why haven’t you emailed me bit. Wow, that’s tiresome. Finally they go out to schmooze with friends and family, and have a few drinks at the reception which is apparently in some kind of enormous rent-a-tent.

Kate introduces Christian as Ana’s boyfriend, and Ana is inexplicably furious. Whatever. She makes no sense to me. Everyone is appropriately wowed and Ana’s father gives his approval. You know, for a book that’s supposed to be all kinky sex and liberated women, it has some pretty deep roots in lame sexual stereotypes. You’re dating a sick fuck? It’s Ok! He’s dad approved. She’s a virginal virgin? He’s a freakish BDSM millionaire running from his past? Jeez, all they need to do is fight crime.

Our crappy couple finally get a moment alone together and Ana mentions the tie. He chuckles (seriously. It’s in there) and says it is now his favourite. For some reason, Ana decides that in the middle of a huge crowded reception is the right time to tell Christian that she wants more out of a relationship than just binding and spanking. He basically says, too bad for you. And for some reason she agrees to the whole thing anyway. In the middle of a huge crowd. Have I mentioned that? Things she was too shy to say in private or through email she was totally ok with announcing in the middle of her graduation reception. Sure.

Ana and her father leave the reception to go to dinner. Christian begs off but by the time Ana gets home he’s already emailed her twice. Kuh-reepy. He invites himself over to finalize the contract, and Ana agrees. And that’s where chapter 14 leaves off. Holy hell, there needs to be some kind of support group for people who have to read this crap. I think I have PTSD. There at least needs to be a unicorn chaser at the end of every chapter. Here’s one now. Look at the pretty horsey! So pretty. Ahhh. Better.

It would be the last unicorn on earth that appeared on my blog…

6 thoughts on “Still a Better Love Story Than Ch. 14 of Fifty Shades of Grey.

  1. Not only does this sound totally lame, but also horribly inconsistent. There is constant relationship-in-the-making crap going on, nostalgia and bits of afterglow. Isn’t this supposed to be a cold-hearted, controlling, “I don’t want no attachments” kind of guy? Correction, that too is lame, so at least the lameness is consistent!

    • It is solid gold lame. I’m not sure why it’s so popular. Because there’s way better sex on the internet for free. There isn’t all that much sex in it to begin with, and the characters are unlikeable.

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