I feel your pain Gaston, I feel your pain.
Chapter 15 of Fifty Shades of Grey should be good, but it isn’t. Ana and Christian get together to negotiate the terms of the BDSM agreement. So here I am expecting lots of heated discussion about limits and safe words and just exactly what all this bondage stuff might involve. But what I get is chapter 15. Back in chapter 14, Ana agreed to the contract (subject to negotiations of course) in the middle of her graduation reception. Now, in chapter 15 Ana is ‘unbearably shy’ when Christian shows up at her house to “finalise the contract”.
Right out of the starting gate they engage in some very British innuendo that I actually had to look up, even though I’ve seen and read quite a lot of British cultural products. Christian shows up with champagne, and says, “Nothing beats a good Bollinger.”
Dictionarydb.com defines it thusly:
“n., a noticeable bulge in the front of a man’s pants, comprised of the p*nis, testicles, or both, that causes onlookers of both s*xes extreme discomfort, especially in a public setting.”
Here’s a pro tip: jokes aren’t funny if your target audience has to Google them.
Way back in chapter I-can’t-be-bothered-to-look-it-up Christian bought Ana some super expensive first edition books. Ana decides now is the time for her to tell Christian that they make her feel like a high class prostitute. Which she is. But she doesn’t want to feel that way. Cue eye rolling…now. Christian then chides Ana for thinking too much. She barely thinks at all! Obviously. Or she wouldn’t be here.
Also, for his own crazy reasons Christian insists on knowing what Ana eats. She tells him she had a three course meal before he arrived, and then she rolls her eyes. Christian grabs her chin, and threatens to spank her if she ever does that again. Ana thinks this is super hawt! Maybe it would be if you were the child of an absent dad and an emotionally distant mum who had a string of boyfriends, one of whom you had a weird attachment to even though he wasn’t really your father…oh wait. That’s this book sorted, then.
So, where were we? The contract negotiation. Christian feeds Ana champagne during the whole thing. Because that’s not creepy and manipulative at all. Bleh.
They finally start talking about the contract. Christian is totally willing to do anything in the list. His no-nos are already off limits and apparently not negotiable. No one mentions them. She says no fisting and he’s OK with that. She says no to anal intercourse, and he’s not OK. But then he tells her they’d have to work up to it anyway – that you can’t just have anal intercourse without working up to it. Guess what plebs? You can. You really, really can. So whatever.
Ana agrees to all the sex toys and the various types of bondage. She is drunk after all. They agree to forego suspension because Christian thinks they won’t have time for that anyway. Ana says no to genital clamps and Christian is OK with that too because, “it’s caning that hurts the most.” So as long as they keep the most painful stuff, he’s totally willing to throw her a bone.
Yeah, I just said that. You can’t stop me.
Some negotiation, eh? Ana ought to do this professionally. She could have that Middle East crisis solved in minutes. She’d just get drunk and agree to whatever the other side wanted. Awesome. Contract concluded.
Then Christian decides that they will discuss one more thing before they repair to the bedchamber for a thorough rogering. He announces that one night a week, they will play at being a normal couple. Ana is shocked and thrilled. And apparently totally believes it. She’s a little bit dumb. Have I mentioned that?
But! There’s a condition. He’ll only play happy couples if Ana agrees to accept a new car. Ana is furious. For a minute. She suddenly remembers that he was only adopted into money, so he can’t possibly know how incredibly insulting this is. He means well, she thinks (if you can call it thinking), he just doesn’t know any better. Yeah baby. If that’s what it takes to get you through the night. Ana agrees to keep the car as a loaner. Not a gift. Because that’s soooo different.
Now it’s Christian’s turn to be furious. What a great couple! He threatens to rape her on the car for not accepting his gift properly. Sweet! Why is he still single? Apparently this is also sooper hawt and they repair to the bedroom for some surprisingly boring sex. I mean, a good time is had by all, but except for a little pinchy-pinchy there isn’t any of the BDSM that this book is supposed to be famous for.
I have to say I am more than a little bored with this crap. I was promised naughty, naughty sex, and so far there has been zilch. Will chapter 16 be better? Now that they have got the contract sorted they can bring on the kink, right? Nothing but hot leather-clad, whips and chains action right? I’m sure I won’t be disappointed.