Chapter 16 of 50 Shades of Grey takes it to 11 on the Facepalmeter

Oh my god it sucks it sucks it sucks! I’ve had a lot of trouble with this chapter because it sucks so badly that it isn’t even funny anymore. It’s like a giant sucking bog of suckiosity.

So, the contract has been finalised. Now we can get down to all the hot sexy, sex. Right? Right?!

Sigh.

Wrong.

Chapter 16 opens with our crappy couple having just had sex. Christian gets up to leave and tells Ana that he’ll have the revised contract ready for signing on Sunday. Since he’s having normal sex with her until she signs the thing, Ana realises that she can string Christian along if she just doesn’t sign.

Ana proceeds to say this out loud. Christian tells her that he won’t be able to control himself, and in fact will kidnap her and hold her hostage until she signs. Kinda negates the consent, wouldntcha say? But sweet, sweet, special Ana thinks this is sooper hawt! He then threatens TPE 24/7. Ana responds with this bit if sexy dialogue:

“’You’ve lost me,” I breathe, my heart pounding…’”

I think Ana suffers from Sexlexia. It’s a tragic affliction.

Dangit! My link’s broken. Grrrr….

He explains what that means and then Ana rolls her eyes at Christian, and all Aitch-Eee-Double-Hockey-Sticks breaks loose. Way back in the last chapter (which I’ve tried my level best to forget aided by intense therapy and large amounts of alcohol) Christian promised Ana that he would punish her if she rolled her eyes at him again. So, good to his word he proceeds to spank her soundly and send her to bed. Sexy, sexy bed. Apparently the signing is just a formality after all.

It’s as bad as it sounds. It really is. He hits her eighteen times. Eighteen. Then they have sex. Ana calls it demeaning, and sexy, and hot. Yes. Because demeaning and hot are so easy to mix up. She’s a bear of very little brain, you see.

Still, she’s not very happy about the whole situation, but she isn’t quite sure why. She literally thinks, “I don’t understand.” Sensing a theme here?  Because I am. She then proceeds to call herself a whore inside her own head. Because what kind of girl would she be if she had kinky, kinky sex, and just enjoyed it for its own sake? A whore apparently. It’s like E. L. James thinks that being dumb and confused and unwilling makes her a better grade of woman than the ones Christian has been screwing up until now. It doesn’t. It makes her a chump. A chump who’s having sex with a man who she really wishes was somebody else.

She sees him out, and then calls her mother to whine. Ana gives her mother a made-up sob story, so she can still feel sorry for her, but break the NDA. Ana’s mom invites her to come home for a visit to get some space and think about it.

Then Kate gets home. Ana promptly lies about hurting herself – the sign of a healthy relationship I’m sure. Kate is furious (like a normal person) that Ana is so upset. For about ten seconds. Until Ana distracts Kate by asking how her night went. E. L. James’ world is, apparently, filled with objectionable, self-centred jerks.

Ana excuses herself to her room, and then we’re off again for another rousing round of email! They argue over selling Ana’s old car, and Christian threatens to beat her again. He tells Ana, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Ooooooooh! I get it! He’s the Incredible Hulk! It all makes so much sense now. Hulk mad! Hulk fuck pretty girl!

She then tells Christian she doesn’t like him, because he keeps leaving after the sex. She closes her computer and has a good cry. Then to make things even better Christian shows up and yells at Kate before barging into Ana’s room. He’s mad because she said she was OK, and she obviously isn’t. For no reason that he can figure out. We’ve got a couple of Einsteins here, eh?

Long, boring story short, he stays the night even though he has vowed never to do this. See? Crazy, ditzy, unwilling sex girl wins the man, where willing, consensual partner couldn’t. It’s the feel creepy story of the year!

This chapter really takes it to 11 on the facepalmeter. Will they finally make with the binding and the whipping in the next chapter? Or will we be treated to another score of pages filled with email and tears? I wish I didn’t have to find out.

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