So they finally finally finally have some sex. Finally.
But first a medical exam!
Christian bills Dr. Greene as the best OB/GYN in Seattle, but when she shows up, it turns out he has hired her because she is tall and blond and looks exactly like all his other female employees. And she’s here to put Ana on the pill! So that Christian doesn’t have to be inconvenienced by putting on a condom! Liberating! You know what would be even easier? A vasectomy! It’s easy and fun! He’s into pain, right? So it’s win-win.
And anyway, if Christian’s so rich and so lazy why doesn’t he just pay someone to put condoms on for him? I imagine Christian pantless and betuniced (like Zap Branigan). He claps his hands smartly and orders, “Condom slave! Come here and unroll my condom! This instant!” Then out of a trapdoor climbs a little orange Oompa Loompa who runs over and…
See what it’s like to live in my head? Weird, huh? I would love this book, if anything like that ever happened. But it doesn’t. Instead they make out briefly and then eat Caesar salad. Sexy Caesar salad. Ritzy, huh? Nothing says sexy like garlic/anchovy breath. Yum! Ana is surprised that the salad is good, and surprised that she’s hungry. She’s surprised about a lot of things.
“Hey Ana, the sun rose in the east today!” “OMG! I’m so surprised!”
“Hey Ana the sky appears blue.” “WTF?! How can that be?!”
See? It’s already gone from vaguely funny to tiresome.
And then the sex. Oh that wacky sex. That wacky, facepalm-y sex. They repair to the Red Room of Pain. I guess as opposed to the Brian Gluckstein ™ Beige Room of Boredom? (Sorry BG, but you *do* use a lot of beige).
Ana is immediately turned on by the smell of leather and orange glo. Christian tells her to stop biting her lip, as it turns him on. I know I haven’t banged on about this as much as I should, but Christian says this exact thing to Ana at least ten times per chapter. It’s gotten very, very old. And Christian, if Ana hasn’t cottoned on by now, she isn’t going to. She’s not very smart you know.
Christian strips Ana naked, and then puts her hair in a braid, because, you know, reasons. *shrug*
They play the whole ‘sir, yes sir game’, and then Ana is stunned that Christian pulls out the exact same riding crop that Ana saw in the dream of sex that she didn’t know she could have.
Which would be awesome, if there was any logical way (other than coincidence) that this could happen. Like Christian has a super villain type machine that can go back in time and see into Ana’s dreams, or he has telepathy or something. At one point Ana described the dream riding crop to Christian as brown plaited leather, but that doesn’t narrow it down that much.
Then she says this; “Could I be more excited?”
I don’t know.
Could you be more of a ditzy valley girl?
No. You could not.
As a side note, this scene would totally work as a Futurama-style parody featuring Zapp Branigan and a cartoonized Katy Perry. I’d laugh and laugh. Because this sure doesn’t work as a serious scene.
Christian ties her up and then beats the living heck out of her with the riding crop which Ana enjoys very much. But she’s very upset when she has to have an orgasm. Who knows why? Not me, that’s for Goddamn sure. Then she’s afraid (you read that right: afraid) to have another orgasm. It’s like E. L. James has gone out of her way to make Ana’s emotional responses totally random and inappropriate. The way I see it, if Ana enjoys herself, then good for her, right? Right?!
Apparently. Ana’s a fictional character for God’s sake and she’s not even allowed to enjoy herself. She has to feel bad about enjoying herself and be all, ‘oh no not another orgasm! I hate those!’ Get some therapy Ms. James and spare us all your hang ups. We are approaching infinite facepalm territory, here people. We are definitely through the looking glass.
I mean, write me a book about a woman who has a lot of sex and enjoys it and I am right there. I get that. I’m all about that. But 50 Shades is not that kind of book. If you had an infinite number of sexually repressed catholic monkeys at an infinite number of naughty typewriters, this is the book they would come up with.
Ok, mini-rant over.
Ana wakes up some time later and realises that she is still tied up. She ‘forgot’ that she was tied up. Yeah, sure you did. One imagines that Ana forgets a lot of things. Like taking her meds. Christian then unties her and carries her down the hall to her private room. And with that, my friends, we flush chapter eighteen down the crapper. Good riddance.