Oh. My. God. Ana and Christian have sex in this chapter. It’s horrible and non-sexy. But, that should go without saying.
Christian literally carries Ana out to “The Boathouse” – he’s loaded so of course he has a boathouse. My eyes! I can’t stop rolling them!
Ana has time to notice is decorated in “a nautical New England theme.” How imaginative! A nautically themed boathouse! How deliciously different! Can you tell this is sarcasm?
Christian carries Ana upstairs and plunks her unceremoniously on the floor. Ana begs him not to hit her. Sexy, eh? If you go to any women’s shelter and ask the men lurking in the bushes outside, I’m sure they’ll agree. Christian agrees to compromise: they will have sex but Ana is not to enjoy it. Not one bit.
Sure buddy, I’ll get right on that.
Because Christian is mad. It turns out he’s all angried up because Ana wouldn’t let him feel her up at the table during dinner. I had to page back and see if this actually happened. It did. It would have been nice if the author had in any way indicated that this might be important later. Because 8 pages later, I had already forgotten it.
So, they have sex on the couch in the boathouse, and Ana does her level best not to enjoy it. But she does anyway. Christian doesn’t seem to mind. Which is totally believable in a dominant. They make themselves presentable, and Christian surprises Ana by giving back her underwear, which he had pocketed a couple of chapters ago. Ana is elated and counts this as a win for her. Because that’s what healthy relationships are all about – winning at all costs.
I still can’t believe this mess was somebody’s fantasy, the thing they’d like to see happen. I mean, I know my imagination is broken, but I wouldn’t dream up this sucking bog of a relationship on purpose.
Seconds later Christian’s annoying little sister, Mia, bursts into the boat house and and shouts, “Christian!” And asks them what they’ve been up to. What is she, twelve? Because she’s written that way. Christian replies that he was showing Ana his rowing trophies. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Our crappy couple head back to the house to say their goodbyes to the family. Mia hugs Ana and says, again, that they never thought Christian would find anyone. Run Ana! Run for your life! If his own family thinks he’s too broken to have a proper relationship then he must be pretty damn screwed up.
They drive back to Christian’s place and engage in tedious relationship conversation. Ana is having second thoughts about their contractual arrangement (which BTW she has never signed onto). I think at this point it counts as at least 23rd thoughts. Christian asks why, and Ana gets distracted by shiny and stares out the window instead of answering. She thinks to herself, this man is dragging me down into the dark. Can I lead him to the light?
What the fuck?! Did they both just die in a fiery car crash and I didn’t notice? Go into the light Christian! Not the other place. Yeeeaaaah…okaaaay. Who thinks things like that? No one. Ever. Can you die from sighing heavily? Because I might have a terminal case. So now we’re back to the whole virginal virgin saves broken man because of her goody-goodness. Excuse me while I bllleeaaaaaaarrrrgghh….I…I just don’t know what. What a bunch of insipid crap. Seriously.
Ana tells Christian that she “wants more.” What? Pie? Or is that just me? Mmmmmm…pie. Christian promises to try, for Ana. Damn right man! She wants goddamn bumbleberry. And don’t skimp on the whipped cream. Wait. What were we talking about? Pie right?
Ana’s so happy that she unbuckles her seatbelt and gets in Christian’s lap for some kissy-face. Well. She’s not a smart girl, we’ve established that. Then suddenly chauffeur guy slams on the brakes and it turns into Crash! Nothing says Hawt Secks like going head first through the windshield. No. That doesn’t happen. I guess I didn’t wish hard enough…
They agree that Ana will take a vacation to visit her mother, and sign the contract (remember the contract?) after her vaycay. But first more Hawt Secks! Ugh. Please don’t. But who cares what I, the poor forgotten reader, want? Not E. L. James, apparently.
On the way to bed, they make lame jokes about the sex being in 31 flavours. I’m pretty sure all of them are vanilla, despite what the book claims. Then Ana’s Inner Goddess* “pops her head above the parapet.” What. The Flying. Fuck? There are not only about a half dozen people in Ana’s head, there’s also a castle? Mmmmmkaaaay…They get to the bedroom and Christian whips off Ana’s dress (not using an actual whip – just what kind of book do you think this is?) and says (I’m not kidding here) “Ta-da!”
I bet yer all warmed up and ready for some sexy, dirty sex now, eh? I know I am. But who cares what you want? Ana and Christian need to get ready for bed! They change, and Ana brushes her teeth with Christian’s toothbrush AGAIN! This is the part of the book that horrifies me the most. That is so gross! Eeeeeewww! Christian catches her and doesn’t mind(!) Because heaven knows an uptight control freak would not mind you using his toothbrush without his permission.
Now the sex, right? Wrong. Silly you! First Ana has to try and blackmail Christian. If he tells her about his sordid past, then he can spank her, even though she doesn’t like it. Christian agrees. He produces a set of Ben Wa balls, which confuse Ana (are you surprised?). They share good long spanking, and a thorough rogering. Then Christian tells Ana that his bio-mom was a crack whore, who died when he was four. And that’s all he tells her.
But hey! There are only six deliciously dirty chapters left! I’m soooo almost out of this morass. Then I’ll be doing the 50 Shreds of Grey official book-shredding and possible burning! Because I will never inflict this book on another unsuspecting soul. I promise. See you in chapter 21…
*If a woman you are dating ever, EVER uses the term inner goddess, referring to herself: RUN