I’m going to try and keep this short because sweet dick all happens in this chapter. Ana has another one of her extra-subtle, totally-not-hitting –you-over-the-head-with-the-message type dreams. Because nothing is as interesting as hearing about somebody’s dreams. Ana dreams that Christian is in a cage and she can’t touch him because of the cage. Also, she’s tied up. What manner of cryptic symbology is this? What byzantine path to meaning could this possibly take?
Sadly this is probably the high point of the chapter. Christian wakes Ana up and it’s toooo early. She moans and groans, and not in a sexy fun way. She’s suddenly afraid he’ll want to have sex. Wait. Isn’t that a good thing? But no worries because it’s not business time, it’s time for that wonderful surprise Christian promised yesterday. And guess what? Ana can’t have a shower before they go!
“You are not a morning person,” Christian says. Well thank you captain obvious. We readers would never have figured that out on our own. We’re just too dumb.
While our crappy couple don’t have time for not stinking, they do have time to eat and have tea. And it’s Twinings again: the only brand they drink in 50 Shades-land. Four out of five submissives were told to prefer it in our taste tests! I wonder how big a cheque Ms. James got from Twinings? Ana sees the Twinings label and thinks to herself, See? He does care. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like mid-range brand name tea. Apparently. I just have to say, Americans don’t love tea that much. They just don’t. So there.
So off they drive to god knows where for the amazing surprise. They listen to opera music on the way – “The Woman Led Astray.” Ana gets bored and changes it. She chooses this:
Toxic. Are you readers getting the message here? It’s subtle but there is a message in these song choices and I hope you’re getting it!!!
To draw out the suspense they talk about Christian’s former lovers. Ana whines that it’s too early for this sort of conversation, but *shockingly* doesn’t shut her word-hole for one minute. Christian tells her he ditched his previous lovers because they ‘wanted more.’ Oh noes! That’s what Ana wants. But it’s okay, because he quickly reassures her that he wants more too. Awesome.
Christian also reveals ‘Mrs. Robinson’s’ proper name – Elena. Ana immediately hates it because it ‘sounds foreign.’ Wow! They are not only raging homophobes but xenophobes too. Suh-weet.
They finally, finally, finally get to the surprise and it is…a glider ride. Yeah seriously. They aren’t flying to Paris for lunch, or eating ice cream sundaes topped with 24 karat gold leaf, they are going for a glider ride. ZZzzzz…
They make a big deal out of tying everybody into the harnesses. And yeah, I get that harnesses are sexy, but this just sucks. If some rich Ehmer-Effer got me up at 5 am to go on a glider ride, I’d bite his dick off. They make another big deal out of tying Ana’s hair back, because that’s how Christian likes it during sex. So this whole glider thing is one big metaphor for how great BDSM would be if you’d just give in and try it! Silly girl.
Well, after that big let-down, we realise the fun has just started. No. Not really. They head to breakfast at the local IHOP. Yeah, I’m totally not kidding. Then Christian drops Ana off at her mother’s house utterly and completely unrogered (in this chapter at least). Ana’s mother is flabbergasted when she hears what Ana and Christian have been up to. I guess she’s an easy audience.
Then more email! You know you wanted it. Perverts. Ana’s mom cooks, and Ana gets a job offer from one of the only two places she applied. We’d better find out Christian rigged the job for her or there will be consequences. I swear to God there will be consequences. Christian then begs off of dinner because he has work to do! Classy! More emails follow in predictable succession.
We end the chapter with the revelation that Ana talks in her sleep. And now Christian knows something which he won’t reveal. Ana is scandalised!
Oh. My. God. I don’t even begin to care. But thankfully this train wreck is almost over. Just two chapters left and I can put this whole thing behind me…