Chapter 22 of Fifty Shades Gives Boring Relationship Advice

Chapter 22 of Fifty Shades of Grey is about a whole lot of nothing. Ana goes to her mom’s place for a little vacation from Crazy McCrazington III. So, we’re guaranteed no sex in this chapter at least. Last chapter, we left Ana at the airport fuming that Christian had upgraded her ticket to first class. That ass!

Now, after a few drinks, Ana is less furious at being upgraded to first class. She gets a massage and a manicure and then breaks out the – you guessed it – email. I have to say that reading email got boring after the first dozen or so. This plot device would have seemed desperately cool in the late nineties when email was just getting universal…but in 2012, not so much.

Ana emails Christian to thank him for the upgrade, and Christian is upset about her getting the massage. Ana decides to poke a stick into the hornet’s nest and tell Christian how handsome her male masseur was. Then she snickers to herself because, “he’s going to flip out – and I shall be airborne and out of reach.” And how delicious will that be?

About as delicious as a shit sandwich. Ugh. Come on, Thor! Use your mighty hammer to smite her airplane out of the sky.

I’m warning you – cut out the stupid and petty crap.

Almost immediately Ana begins to worry that Christian will show up and get on the plane. Not such a good idea to wind up the crazy guy, eh? But he doesn’t show and Ana can enjoy her flight. But she doesn’t. She wishes Christian was there. Wait. Wut? She was just afraid that he was coming. Now she’s sad that he didn’t. I’m confuzzled. And don’t try to tell me she’s complicated or ambivalent or whatever.

And that’s the way the author likes her.

Ana checks her Blackberry and finds that Christian has written back to say that next time he will have her sent in a crate rather than upgrade her ticket. Ana isn’t sure whether he’s joking. She’s dumb. Have I mentioned that?

She’s apologises for making him angry, but I seriously doubt her sincerity, considering how excited she was about it just a minute ago. He tells her to turn off her computer, because you aren’t allowed to use electronics on a plane. She pulls out the one and only book she’s ever read: Tess of the D’Urbervilles and promptly falls asleep instead of reading it.

Ana and Christian argue some more over email during the layover in Atlanta. Ana tells him she is considering his proposal, a lifestyle she didn’t know existed a week ago. Two things went through my head at this point:

  1. Bullshit. You just can’t _not know_ that many things;
  2. It’s only been a week? It seems like for-fucking-ever.

She sleeps again on her second plane and wakes up “beyond fatigued.” She just slept twice! But all that thinking, it wears one out, I guess.

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All this thinking makes me tired!

Ana gets off the plane, sees her mom and starts crying. She doesn’t know why, but lies to her mom about it anyway. Her father-in-law takes her backpack (why can’t she carry it? She just finished uni, she must have carried a heavy backpack before.) and comments on how heavy it is. Ana explains it’s her new Mac, that Christian “lent her.” Are Macs known for being really heavy? :/ I don’t take my laptop around, but that’s because I’m clumsy, not because its soooo heavy.

OK, this is just going on and on for a chapter in which nothing happens until the last sentence…so I’ll try to long-story-short it here. Ana goes to the beach with her mom. Mom gives her relationship advice, which Ana thinks must be good because her mom has been married four times. No, honey, sweetie, baby…that kinda implies the exact opposite.

If your mom has been married that much, she’s the weakest link.

She has exactly no advice that is of use to you. Here’s one of her hard-won gems of knowledge: “Men prefer action.” Well, thanks? I guess?

Ana then takes a nap, goes out to dinner, appreciates her mom. During all this she alternately texts and emails Christian, furious and jealous that he is going out to dinner while she is gone. She repeats the procedure the next day. Ana and her mom end up in a bar, drinking cosmopolitans. Ana continues to text her petty jealousies to Christian, while pretending to listen to relationship advice from her mom. Ana makes a dig about Christian having dinner with one of his exes, and then he asks her how many cosmopolitans she is going to drink.

Haw! Haw! She thought she’d insult him from afar, but he showed up! Because he’s rich. And has a private jet! Kill me!

And that’s chapter 22.  Will they run into each other’s arms slo-mo style? Will he beat her to a bloody pulp? Do I care enough to find out? We’ll see next time t I Read 50 Shades So You Don’t Have To…

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