I Finish 50 Shades of Grey. Hooray!

The Crazy Train has finally pulled into Nutjob Station: I am done this book! And James spares no expense, pulls out all the stops, and turns the crazy up to 11 for this one. And any other cliche you can think of…

Ana wakes up at 5 am without an alarm clock, because it is time to take her birth control pill. Seems legit.

Christian is already awake and playing piano, just like the first night Ana stayed. See how it’s all coming full circle? Do you see what they are signifying with the sad, sad piano music? Our crappy couple insult each other a bit, trade some innuendo, and then Ana, out of her deep desire to understand this extraordinary man and his pain, decides she’d rather talk to him than have sex.

Big mistake.

When you talk to them, the crazy makes itself readily apparent. No talking. Never talk! Sigh. Christian announces that he doesn’t expect Ana to sign the contract (remember that?) but he still expects her to follow all the rules in the contract, and the spirit of the contract. Ana is confused by this. So is Christian.

Ana asks to reread the contract, because she can’t remember quite what was in it. She reads the contract and rolls her eyes at him. Christian is elated that he gets to punish her. Ana is frightened and doesn’t want to be punished. So she thinks the best way to defuse this situation is to get Christian to chase her around his apartment. If you can call that thinking. I don’t.

Christian warns Ana that the punishment will be worse if she doesn’t comply, and Ana says she hates being punished. Christian is deeply hurt and gets a serious case of ‘I’m-a-whiney-baby-itis’. Ana backpedals and says she really does like being spanked. Or at least she doesn’t hate it. But that’s not good enough. Christian wants to hurt her (he says so in so many words), and wants her to darnwell like it. But he refuses to tell her why.

Oh! Oh! Ask me! I know! *Hand waving frantically in the air*

Because he’s crazy. You know it. I know it. He knows it. Only Ana seems not to get it.

They go in for some kissy face, each wishing that the other was a different person, but still the same, somehow. Ana decides to let Christian punish her. Hit me with your best shot, she says. Or words to that effect. Ana wants to know how bad it can get before she can decide to stay.

Christian beats her with a belt. And guess what? Ana doesn’t like it. She’s furious!

“You are one fucked up son of a bitch,” she tells him.

Yes! She gets it now. She runs (not home) but to her bedroom to cry and wonder why she couldn’t fall in love with somebody normal. Birds of a feather, babe…

Christian shows up in her room (it’s still his house after all) and they snuggle for, like, hours.

It all ends in a non-stop cliché fest: Ana tells Christian she can’t be what he needs. Then Christian tells Ana that he is no good for her. You can’t love me. I can’t make you happy. It just goes on and on, one insipid overused platitude after another. Ana decides this is it: she is leaving. She tells Christian she’s done and would like some privacy to dress. Instead of leaving, she goes and has a shower. :/

She dresses and is glad that her butt hurts because it distracts her from her shattered heart. Those are the words James uses here. Ana gathers her things and makes to leave. Christian is so broken up about it that he has taken a business call. Ana leaves the Mac, the blackberry, and the keys to her new car. Christian’s chauffeur drives her back to her apartment where she cries and cries and cries.

And I’m done. Have I mentioned that? Because I’m done. Do they get back together? Do they get less crazy? Do they team up and fight crime? I don’t even care because I’m done.


12 thoughts on “I Finish 50 Shades of Grey. Hooray!

  1. Good for you. I can tell you from the dustjacket of the second book – I can never resist reading the blurb for a terrible book! – that she spends book II trying to track down his ex-lovers out of some “burning jealousy”. Jeez, is this bitch crazy, totally insecure, or just plain stupid? How can anyone like these books? They say it’s “Mommy Porn”… who are these mommies?

    • I think she’s all three. I guess it’s mommy porn bc there isn’t much actual sex? Like a real mom! Who has time for that? I think I’ve read too many disturbing fanfics (a la Fan Fic Friday on Topless Robot) to even be phased by this book.

  2. I left a long comment on your About page. What are you writing now? I have to read it. You are the antidote to all the crap out there. You are the new hyperboleandahalf.

    • Right now, I am seriously procrastinating on a novel. Which is going to be the subject of my next post. I was tempted “critique” all 3 50 Shades novels, but I really don’t want to read the other two. I’m not a romance fan to begin with, and I feared I might stab my eyes out. I mean, everyone is welcome to like them, but i figure I’m welcome to not like them…

      • And despite my avowed desire to read all you write, I’m not sure I could stick with you if you did do any more of the FSOG muck.
        I’m a mom too and have been working on a novel for a few years now. Wonder of wonders, I’m starting a second draft. Take your time (I know how limited it is) but don’t wait to be an empty nester, for the muse to arrive, etc.
        Just write whenever you have a chance and it’ll eventually grow into something you can hone. Seriously. You are fantastic and we need you to combat the FSOG wannabes that will surely take over otherwise.
        In the meantime, will you continue to post here or will you start a new blog?

  3. Never mind. Just read your other reply and will stalk you (see I did learn something useful from Christian) on ravenlunatick.wordpress.com

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