Chapter 3 of Fifty Shades Darker is Neither Fifty, Nor Shades, Nor Darker. Discuss.

There’s a lot of heavy sighing involved in this chapter, not because of the amazing hawt secks (heavens no!) but because I’m soooo bored by it. Can you die from boredom? Or terribleness? Because I must be pretty close.

It’s the next morning, and Ana listens to her Christian “mix tape” on the bus to work, and is thrilled to bits. It’s like she’s 12 years old. When she gets to work, her little happy bubble is rudely broken by her boss, who tells her how radiant she looks.

How inappropriate! Ana thinks.

Really? That’s your line in the sand? You look radiant? Mister Jeckyl-Hyde isn’t described as leering like a satyr or winking lasciviously. He just says it. And that is just too much for Ana’s delicate sensibilities. But instead of telling him to back off, she thanks him. Because that’s how you let somebody know they are making you uncomfortable. Face. Meet Palm. Oh wait, you already know each other? Have I introduced you to Desk as well?

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Ana is then momentarily horrified that her boss hands her some work. And wants it done! What an unreasonable prick! Ana gets right on it and spends the morning emailing Christian. Gripping, unputdownable emails. Like this one:

“I am eating a banana as I type.”

Of course you are. What else would one eat? Especially if one is a teenage girl who still thinks things like that are funny or sexy. Or whatever.

After a half dozen emails to Christian Ana finally starts to work. After lunch she emails Christian some more, until he tells her to stop because her work emails are monitored. Ana is flabbergasted. Mostly because I like that word. Flabbergasted. She has no idea that work email could be monitored. In 2011, I think this is set, she doesn’t know that work email is monitored? Give me a break.

At the end of the day Ana heads off for that drink she promised to have with her boss, at a bar coincidently called Fifty’s. She is surprised but happy that it is a whole-office affair. Being the self-centred baby that she is. she naturally assumed it was a date between her and her creepy good-morning-saying boss.

Ana heads to the bathroom to check out how amazing she looks, but first, we are “treated” to more email! Four more emails! From her phone! I know you’re as excited as I am.

Why she doesn’t text Christian, I’ll never be sure, but that’s the least of this story’s problems really. Just keep reading, you’ll see why.

Ana heads out to the street and is confronted by a woman, who dares to call out her name. Ana is confused. How can a person know her name? How is this possible? Maybe it’s a candy-gram, I don’t know, but it’s not as crazy out of left field as Ana makes it out to be. Ana describes the woman as pale and “strangely blank” with “flat” brown eyes.

Sweet! E. L. James has sent a cyborg from the future to kill Ana and rip the space-time continuum a new one. Yes! This place just got interesting.

It had you interested there for a moment, right? Me too, but it isn’t to be. In fact something altogether more boring and clichéd happens. Sigh. Mysterious Ghost Woman turns out to be one of Christian’s evil exes, who asks, “What do you have that I don’t?”

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I, for one, am totally stoked to find out what Ana has that evil ex doesn’t. I’m very sure that it has something to do with Ana’s virginal goody-goodness luring Christian toward normality like a moth drawn to an incandescent bulb. Wait. I’m not stoked to find that out at all. In fact, I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Moving right along, evil ex #1 doesn’t actually do anything, just turns and leaves, but Ana is now terrified. The League of evil exes is on to you now Ana! You’d better run! Instead, she heads over to Fifty’s to get her drink on. Ana steers conversation away from herself by asking her co-workers questions about their lives. She calls this her ‘patented distraction technique’. I’m sorry to let you know Ana, but this is a well-known method to get others talking about themselves. Even a socially stunted neckbeard like myself is aware of it.

Ana then is forced to converse with her close-talking boss. Quelle Horreur! To make her discomfort with his presence good and clear Ana makes polite conversation, blushes and giggles. That’ll show him! Of course, Close-talk boss only exists to showcase how jealous and possessive Christian is, so hey presto! Christian shows up to act, you guessed it, jealous and possessive. Ana is relieved that someone here can deal with her boss, but is confused about why there is suddenly so much tension in the room. Christian actually has to tell her that he and her boss were having a pissing match. I get the feeling Ana was raised by those see no evil hear no evil monkeys. It would explain a lot.

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They head out to Christian’s car where Christian announces that he has just bought the company she works for, and threatens to fire Mr. Jeckyl-Hyde if he so much as winks at Ana. Ana is furious. Finally! An appropriate emotion. Because that is beyond creepy. Ana yells at Christian, and then calls it a brain to mouth malfunction. That’s right sister, you’d better keep it quiet or you’re going to end up stuffed in a fridge somewhere.

Our crappy couple repair to Ana’s house to sex it up. Nope. They cook dinner: Ana decides on a stir fry because it’s the fastest thing to make. It might be except that Ana doesn’t have any food in the house, because her roommate personal care assistant, Kate, is on vacation. Christian is furious. Furious! So we get to follow them on a gripping visit to THE STORE.

Christian is all awkward and stupid in the grocery store and Ana briefly gets to feel superior. Savour it baby, it won’t last long. Christian admits that he has no idea who buys his groceries. They just kind of appear. And he’s all “Waaaah! Why can’t I get good wine at a grocery store?!” Welp. Because it’s a grocery store?  Don’t worry Christian, you can just buy the grocery store and have all the employees killed for their blatant non-good-wine-having.

Back at Ana’s apartment, Ana conspires to get Christian into bed by touching him incessantly while she cooks. And it works. Of course it does. This is Fifty Shades of WTF after all. But it gets better! We finally get treated to page after page of that dirty BDSM we’ve been promised!

Lol, no! Not one bit. They do have sex though – regular, boring Harlequin romance style sex. You know you love it!

Christian forces Ana to spell out exactly what she wants, and refuses to do anything to her unless she does. Good idea Christian. I hope you’re recording this because you’ll need it at the trial! Ana is completely mortified (it doesn’t take much) and tells him what to do with a combination of pointing and blushing. A good time is had by all. Or so they tell me.

And that’s it. We can flush another nugget of “gold” down the toilet, and settle in for Chapter 4 of Fifty Shades Darker. Which, I have to say, is not particularly dark. I’ll be honest, I’ve seen episodes of Fairly Odd Parents that are more disturbing. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. But at least we got through a chapter without mentioning teh gays! It’s not much, but I’ll take it.

Chapter 2 of Fifty Shades Darker and the Boring Repetitiveness of Being Ana

It’s a new day, the sun is shining, I’m caffeined up and ready to dive into Chapter 2 of Fifty Shades Darker.  Grab your beverage of choice and settle in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. And not for the obvious, sexy reasons that you might imagine. Heavens to Betsy no! Not those reasons.

Christian shoves Ana into the first restaurant they pass, which he thinks is barely adequate and Ana thinks is very nice. As soon as the waiter appears Christian barks out an order which includes steak and french fries, and make it snappy. Ana says the waiter is taken aback by Christian’s cool efficiency, but I’m rather sure its his assholatry that’s the problem. I hope you wanted the “Special Sauce” on that steak sir, because I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re gonna get.

Special sauce        

As soon as the waiter is gone to make their fap sauce, our crappy couple starts right in with the fighting. Ana is mad that Christian ordered without asking her what she wanted. Christian is angry because Ana was deliberately using Jose to make him jealous back at the art show.

Ana pauses, and is suddenly mortified. She has never thought of Jose as having feelings.  Even though he has made clear that he is in love with her. Ana is a terrible person.

Christian snaps at the waiter again when he returns with the wine list. Nothing says Good Guy like taking out your frustrations on the wait-staff. Ana frowns at “Fifty.” Because she’s started calling him that. It’s not funny or cute.

Then they go all soap-opera on each others asses. They loooove each other!!!!! But they can never be what the other person waaaaaants! Nooooooo!

Then all of a sudden Christian makes a valid point. If the spanking was too much, why didn’t she use the safe word? That’s what it’s for, after all.

She forgot.

Yup. Just plain ol’ slipped her mind. I’m sure her mind is very slippery, but seriously? He made her repeat it. Like a dozen times. And she made a special point of being offended by that.

So then Ana apologises for him beating her. Damn right bi-atch!

Christian feels a bit better now and admits he’s had a rough week without Ana. Ana is ‘winded’ by this, she had no idea that Christian also had feelings like she does. Hooray Christian! You just helped Ana reach Piaget’s third stage of development! Ana now has the emotional maturity of a seven year old.  Sweet!

The waiter comes back with the fap steak and Ana thinks, “Holy hell. Food.” Restaurants are crazy that way, non? You order food, and then they bring it to you! Mind-boggling! Exclamation point!

Ana is very, very hungry but hesitates to eat, angering Christian further. He orders her to eat and threatens spankings all around if she doesn’t. Woooo! Finally.

But it isn’t to be…Ana eats – slow enough to piss him off but fast enough to prevent and of that dirty, filthy sex from EVER HAPPENING.

They eat, and Christian announces that they are driving back to Seattle so they have a few hours alone in the car. Ana is shocked that they won’t be flying back after the bottle of wine they just drank. Christian’s driver arrives to take them home, and off they go! For lots of back of the car sex!

No. Not really.

Christian tells Ana he is so desperate that he is now willing to pursue an entirely normal relationship with Ana, if that is what it takes. He promises that there will be no “kinky fuckery” unless Ana wants it, but maybe not even then. And yes, he actually uses the words “kinky fuckery.”

Awwww…how…sweet?  I guess? No wait. Boring. That’s the word I’m looking for. Sorry, I was having a moment there.

Then Ana can’t resist him any longer! She unbuckles, climbs into his lap and they have dirty, dirty car secks! Ha! No they don’t. The car crashes in a tangle of metal and fire and they both die because they aren’t wearing seat belts! No? Damn.

They go to sleep. Yep. Sleep. I need to point this out here, because Christian is a control freak right? He enjoys harnessing her into gliders and helicopters. He worries about whether Ana eats and sleeps. And yet he is totally A OK with Ana riding in a speeding car on his lap! With no seatbelt. Somebody’s  inconsistently characterised. I’m not saying who.

But before sleep Christian drops this crap on Ana. He was abused by one of his mother’s pimps. He calls her “the crack-whore,” and says he remembers being alone with her dead body for 4 days after she killed herself. Colour me skeptical. He already said he doesn’t remember. So he was lying at least one of those times. We haven’t managed to make me feel any sympathy, just dislike him more because he’s an established liar in addition to the violent temper and the homophobia.

Then Christian calls himself Fifty Shades. It was annoying when Ana did it, it’s infuriating when Christian does it. We’re 38 pages into this debacle and they’ve bandied this term around, like, once a page. Stop already! I get it! I swear!

Then they are back outside Ana’s apartment. Christian tells Ana they will go on a date tomorrow. And she’s all, “but I’m going out for a drink with my boss tomorrow!” She has no idea how they will reconcile these two facts. Christian is furious again. Sexy! We’re supposed to believe that he is instantly jealous of Mister Jeckyll/Hyde, but honestly. I think he’s mad that Ana can’t figure this out. He tells her he will pick her up after her boss-drink-date. All she has to do is text him with her location. Simple!

Christian leaves her with a gift, which turns out to be the electronics she gave back in the last book, plus an iPad, which she knows how to use because her boss has one at work. Awww cute. Ana knows a thing. But just one.

She fires up the iPad and declares that Christian has made her a mix-tape. I call bullshit right here. Does a twenty year old even know what a tape is? Let alone a mix tape? Wouldn’t she consider it a playlist? Which it is. And why is Christian a sullen 1980’s teenager?

His playlist contains bands like Coldplay and Nelly Furtado, which just go to show that money can’t buy you taste. Ana goes on and on about how deep and meaningful the lyrics are, but doesn’t tell us what they are. I guess we’re meant to google them. Then she backtracks. Maybe the lyrics aren’t meaningful, maybe she’s overthinking things. Maybe! But how can I know if you don’t tell us what they are?! Ana is so overwhelmed that she needs to email Christian…

…NOOOOOOoOOooooooo!

But, in blatant disregard of my yelling at the page, she does it anyway. The emails basically boil down to “Kissy kissy goo goo eyes. You hang up. No you hang up!” And the best part is they go on for three whole pages. Then Ana pulls a deflated balloon, that Christian bought her in the last book, out from under her bed and hugs it to sleep. Yeah. Of all the things he bought, that’s the one she kept. :/

The chapter ends with Ana falling asleep even though she just woke up. What new perversions does chapter three hold? Any? At all? Only time will tell.

RavenLunatick and the Horrible Awful No-Good Book

Welcome back to my snark-through of the Fifty Shades of Grey Series! If you loved these books, you have come to the wrong place. So, before you read on and angry up the blood I’m just telling you YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Here is a nice link to kitten cam instead.

Okay, so that title was a bit of an overstatement, it’s not that bad yet. The title is actually pretty good, and the sparkly harlequin mask on the cover is quite nice. Whether it stays that good after I open it is anyone’s guess really.

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So buckle up folks, the crazy-copter is about to take off! You might remember our two main characters, Christian and Ana, or as I like to call them Crazy McCrazeston and Herp Derpson. Also recall Ana’s multiple personalities, Inner Goddess and Unconscious (or was it Subconscious?). They are important. :/ Recall that they broke up at the end of the last book, apparently on a Friday. It was nice of the author to reiterate that for me, as I had already blocked it out.

There’s a teeny-tiny prologue at the beginning of the book (I know, I know. Where else would the prologue be?), where we are ever so briefly inside Christian’s head. At least I assume it’s him. Maybe we have another crack-whore-mother-having-control-freak introduced in this book? Who knows? Christian watches his father savagely beat his mother while Christian hides under the kitchen table. He describes the sticky green carpet, and it makes me wonder if they are squatting in an abandoned movie theatre. Because sticky? Also, Christian has his eyes closed but he can still see his dad turn and head for the kitchen looking for him. That is one sweet power! No wonder Christian seems to know everything about Ana. He’s not creeping her; he’s just using his God-given mind powers.

I would loooove that story: we follow the life of a destitute boy and his abusive crack family as he grows up and learns to navigate the world using his terrible, terrible psychic abilities. I may write it myself…

It's Mind Power Boy! And his arch-nemesis Crack Whore Lady!

Back to the prologue: Christian wakes to a chilling wail, and realises he was screaming in his sleep.  Yes, yes, we get it. He’s very broken and sad blah blah blah…THE END. I think this description was longer than the actual prologue. Also: if anyone out there likes BDSM this is clearly why. There are no legitimate reasons for being into it. Don’t you feel bad for being so abused? This is sarcasm in case you can’t tell.

Then we’re off! Back into Ana’s brain, such as it is, for another gripping Chapter of whatever it is you’d call this. It’s Monday now, and Ana is starting her new job with her new boss Mister Jack Hyde. That is sooo subtle. What could this possibly portend?  After all, he seems like a really nice guy! On the outside. But he still gives Ana the creeps. Ana actually repeats his name twice in a row, just so we get it. It gets its own sentence. I’m feeling a little insulted here.

Ana mopes around her job, mopes home, and mopes around her apartment, which is empty since Kate is on a well deserved vacation from all Ana’s crap. The door buzzer, um, buzzes and Ana wonders, “Who can that be?” OMG! I have NO IDEA who this could possibly be! Please tell me the suspense is killing me!

It’s not Christian, but a delivery guy with flowers and a note from Christian, which is the next best thing. Ana ‘reasons’ that it must have come from Christian’s assistant. Um…okay. Sure. Ana spends every day moping and refusing to eat. She has “become [her] own island state.” Sweet! Are there sunny beaches and mai-tais? Sadly, no. She is a “war torn and ravaged land.” Darn. Seriously though? At this point she has known Christian for less than a month. Maybe less than two weeks. All this drama is not warranted.

Wednesday dawns bleakly, but is livened up by, you guessed it! Email from Christian. We didn’t make it 3 whole pages before we played the email card. Sigh. Christian reminds her that they agreed to go to Jose’s gallery opening tomorrow, and that Ana gave back the car he bought her, so would she like a ride?

Ana is thrown into confusion. How will she get to Jose’s show? Why has no one called her? How does Christian know her email? There are pretty simple answers to all these questions, but Ana can’t figure any of them out. I have it sussed: Christian’s awesome mind powers – the cause of and solution to all the issues in this story.

Ana agrees to go with Christian and then calls Jose telling him she will be at his show. Remember Jose? The first book set him up as one corner of a half-assed love triangle, but never told you enough about his character for him to really matter to anyone.

Another bunch of tedious emails follow, each more cloying and pointless then the last. More moping, and then it’s tomorrow. Gallery time! Let the hijinks begin!

Just as Ana is about to leave work to meet Christian, her boss asks her out for a drink tomorrow. On his face is an emotion that Ana can’t identify, but which makes her uneasy. She goes to the bathroom and pinches her cheeks to give them that 1950s housewife glow (does anyone actually do this?) and heads off. Apparently she has lost sooo much weight in 5 days that everyone thinks she is dying. Yeah. Right. While she hasn’t eaten in 5 days, she has been living on lattes. You aren’t going to lose any weight sucking lattes all day. Trust me.

In the car they fight about Ana not eating, then pull each other in for some post-fight kissy face. Suddenly they are at the helipad – apparently they are flying to the gallery. They take the elevator to the helipad, and have that horny-elevator-thing they always do, and which is so tiresome. Ana describes her desire as “dark and deadly.” Sigh. Why such an unhealthy view of sexuality? Sexuality is relatively non-lethal as far as I’ve experienced. Some people even consider it life-affirming. Sickos.

The get in the helicopter and Christian straps her in while making the requisite “I’ve tied you up, haw haw,” remark that he always makes and they’re off. Christian seems unnaturally happy, so Ana makes sure to remind him that they broke up. They see the Seattle Space Needle, and Christian offers to take her there. Please?! Right now? Just crash right on into the side! Please!

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No dice. They continue safely on their way. Ana watches the sun set and thinks about herself as Icarus flying too close to the sun. Like she always does. Seriously. Is this the only myth she knows? There are lots more…They get to wherever they are landing the helicopter and find out they have to walk down 3 floors, as the elevator is broken. Christian tells her they’ll walk slowly because of her high heels. And even though she agrees with him, she goes all, “Wah! You don’t like my boots!” on him.

They take a limo the rest of the way, and are about to fight when they arrive. Hooray! Because I don’t want to hear it! Christian tells her not to make a scene in public and she sulks her way into the gallery like the crazy drama queen she is.

At the show everyone seems to know Ana, even though she has no idea who they are. Ana sees Jose and gives him an extra long steamy hug to piss  Christian off. It works. Ana makes eye contact with Christian and is ‘paralysed’ in his stare. She stares sooo long that Jose shouts her name to get her attention back. I imagine Ana standing with a blank expression on her face while Jose looks increasingly puzzled. “Ana?” he says, waving a hand in front of her face. “Ana. ANA!”

Christian and Jose then proceed to stare daggers at each other, even though there somehow manages to be no tension in the room. They hate each other to a crazy disproportionate level. Why doesn’t Christian just strangle Jose with his mind powers?

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Oh well. I almost cared. For a minute.

Ana and Christian get distracted by a newspaper guy taking their picture. And then Ana brings up my number one most favourite thing. She tells Christian she thought he was gay because they did a google search and didn’t find any pictures of him with a date. They are both suitably mortified. Because they are both friggin’ homophobes.

Grrr…

Then the big reveal! Everyone knows Ana because the centrepiece of Jose’s show is giant portraits of Ana! Which she had absolutely no idea he was taking! No idea. At all. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Hang on to this one Christian, she’s a keeper!

Christian is shocked! Shocked, I tells ya! He buys all the portraits so no one else can fap to them, and insists they leave immediately. They are both furious now. So furious, they make out in the first alleyway they can find. MMmmm…used-syringe-a-licious! Ana says desire explodes through her “like the Fourth of July.” Wait..what? I though her desire was ‘dark and deadly’? I guess fireworks can be deadly. If you’re an idiot. Like Ana.

Christian snarls at her: “You. Are. Mine.”

Nice eh? What a stand up guy. You might want to let someone know where you are Ana. It’ll make locating the body easier.

And that is Chapter 1, in all its crazy, crazy glory! Whew! I wasn’t sure I’d make it.

You Know You Wanted It – I Read 50 Shades Darker

Due to popular demand because a couple of people asked me because I’m a glutton for punishment because I’m bored, I have decided to go ahead and read Fifty Shades Darker.

You know you wanted me to. 😛

I’ve had enough of a break to forget exactly why I promised myself never to read the other two books in this series. So, I’m off! Along the way I’ll apply my own brand of sarcasm and psychosis! It’ll make you squeal like a pig – with glee.

If you haven’t been following along you can start here for my read-through of Fifty Shades of Grey. And thanks for coming along for the ride! I’ll need your moral support.

Chapter 1 is on its way whenever I get to it really really soon!