RavenLunatick and the Horrible Awful No-Good Book

Welcome back to my snark-through of the Fifty Shades of Grey Series! If you loved these books, you have come to the wrong place. So, before you read on and angry up the blood I’m just telling you YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Here is a nice link to kitten cam instead.

Okay, so that title was a bit of an overstatement, it’s not that bad yet. The title is actually pretty good, and the sparkly harlequin mask on the cover is quite nice. Whether it stays that good after I open it is anyone’s guess really.

DSC00975

So buckle up folks, the crazy-copter is about to take off! You might remember our two main characters, Christian and Ana, or as I like to call them Crazy McCrazeston and Herp Derpson. Also recall Ana’s multiple personalities, Inner Goddess and Unconscious (or was it Subconscious?). They are important. :/ Recall that they broke up at the end of the last book, apparently on a Friday. It was nice of the author to reiterate that for me, as I had already blocked it out.

There’s a teeny-tiny prologue at the beginning of the book (I know, I know. Where else would the prologue be?), where we are ever so briefly inside Christian’s head. At least I assume it’s him. Maybe we have another crack-whore-mother-having-control-freak introduced in this book? Who knows? Christian watches his father savagely beat his mother while Christian hides under the kitchen table. He describes the sticky green carpet, and it makes me wonder if they are squatting in an abandoned movie theatre. Because sticky? Also, Christian has his eyes closed but he can still see his dad turn and head for the kitchen looking for him. That is one sweet power! No wonder Christian seems to know everything about Ana. He’s not creeping her; he’s just using his God-given mind powers.

I would loooove that story: we follow the life of a destitute boy and his abusive crack family as he grows up and learns to navigate the world using his terrible, terrible psychic abilities. I may write it myself…

It's Mind Power Boy! And his arch-nemesis Crack Whore Lady!

Back to the prologue: Christian wakes to a chilling wail, and realises he was screaming in his sleep.  Yes, yes, we get it. He’s very broken and sad blah blah blah…THE END. I think this description was longer than the actual prologue. Also: if anyone out there likes BDSM this is clearly why. There are no legitimate reasons for being into it. Don’t you feel bad for being so abused? This is sarcasm in case you can’t tell.

Then we’re off! Back into Ana’s brain, such as it is, for another gripping Chapter of whatever it is you’d call this. It’s Monday now, and Ana is starting her new job with her new boss Mister Jack Hyde. That is sooo subtle. What could this possibly portend?  After all, he seems like a really nice guy! On the outside. But he still gives Ana the creeps. Ana actually repeats his name twice in a row, just so we get it. It gets its own sentence. I’m feeling a little insulted here.

Ana mopes around her job, mopes home, and mopes around her apartment, which is empty since Kate is on a well deserved vacation from all Ana’s crap. The door buzzer, um, buzzes and Ana wonders, “Who can that be?” OMG! I have NO IDEA who this could possibly be! Please tell me the suspense is killing me!

It’s not Christian, but a delivery guy with flowers and a note from Christian, which is the next best thing. Ana ‘reasons’ that it must have come from Christian’s assistant. Um…okay. Sure. Ana spends every day moping and refusing to eat. She has “become [her] own island state.” Sweet! Are there sunny beaches and mai-tais? Sadly, no. She is a “war torn and ravaged land.” Darn. Seriously though? At this point she has known Christian for less than a month. Maybe less than two weeks. All this drama is not warranted.

Wednesday dawns bleakly, but is livened up by, you guessed it! Email from Christian. We didn’t make it 3 whole pages before we played the email card. Sigh. Christian reminds her that they agreed to go to Jose’s gallery opening tomorrow, and that Ana gave back the car he bought her, so would she like a ride?

Ana is thrown into confusion. How will she get to Jose’s show? Why has no one called her? How does Christian know her email? There are pretty simple answers to all these questions, but Ana can’t figure any of them out. I have it sussed: Christian’s awesome mind powers – the cause of and solution to all the issues in this story.

Ana agrees to go with Christian and then calls Jose telling him she will be at his show. Remember Jose? The first book set him up as one corner of a half-assed love triangle, but never told you enough about his character for him to really matter to anyone.

Another bunch of tedious emails follow, each more cloying and pointless then the last. More moping, and then it’s tomorrow. Gallery time! Let the hijinks begin!

Just as Ana is about to leave work to meet Christian, her boss asks her out for a drink tomorrow. On his face is an emotion that Ana can’t identify, but which makes her uneasy. She goes to the bathroom and pinches her cheeks to give them that 1950s housewife glow (does anyone actually do this?) and heads off. Apparently she has lost sooo much weight in 5 days that everyone thinks she is dying. Yeah. Right. While she hasn’t eaten in 5 days, she has been living on lattes. You aren’t going to lose any weight sucking lattes all day. Trust me.

In the car they fight about Ana not eating, then pull each other in for some post-fight kissy face. Suddenly they are at the helipad – apparently they are flying to the gallery. They take the elevator to the helipad, and have that horny-elevator-thing they always do, and which is so tiresome. Ana describes her desire as “dark and deadly.” Sigh. Why such an unhealthy view of sexuality? Sexuality is relatively non-lethal as far as I’ve experienced. Some people even consider it life-affirming. Sickos.

The get in the helicopter and Christian straps her in while making the requisite “I’ve tied you up, haw haw,” remark that he always makes and they’re off. Christian seems unnaturally happy, so Ana makes sure to remind him that they broke up. They see the Seattle Space Needle, and Christian offers to take her there. Please?! Right now? Just crash right on into the side! Please!

helicopter

No dice. They continue safely on their way. Ana watches the sun set and thinks about herself as Icarus flying too close to the sun. Like she always does. Seriously. Is this the only myth she knows? There are lots more…They get to wherever they are landing the helicopter and find out they have to walk down 3 floors, as the elevator is broken. Christian tells her they’ll walk slowly because of her high heels. And even though she agrees with him, she goes all, “Wah! You don’t like my boots!” on him.

They take a limo the rest of the way, and are about to fight when they arrive. Hooray! Because I don’t want to hear it! Christian tells her not to make a scene in public and she sulks her way into the gallery like the crazy drama queen she is.

At the show everyone seems to know Ana, even though she has no idea who they are. Ana sees Jose and gives him an extra long steamy hug to piss  Christian off. It works. Ana makes eye contact with Christian and is ‘paralysed’ in his stare. She stares sooo long that Jose shouts her name to get her attention back. I imagine Ana standing with a blank expression on her face while Jose looks increasingly puzzled. “Ana?” he says, waving a hand in front of her face. “Ana. ANA!”

Christian and Jose then proceed to stare daggers at each other, even though there somehow manages to be no tension in the room. They hate each other to a crazy disproportionate level. Why doesn’t Christian just strangle Jose with his mind powers?

forcechoke

Oh well. I almost cared. For a minute.

Ana and Christian get distracted by a newspaper guy taking their picture. And then Ana brings up my number one most favourite thing. She tells Christian she thought he was gay because they did a google search and didn’t find any pictures of him with a date. They are both suitably mortified. Because they are both friggin’ homophobes.

Grrr…

Then the big reveal! Everyone knows Ana because the centrepiece of Jose’s show is giant portraits of Ana! Which she had absolutely no idea he was taking! No idea. At all. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Hang on to this one Christian, she’s a keeper!

Christian is shocked! Shocked, I tells ya! He buys all the portraits so no one else can fap to them, and insists they leave immediately. They are both furious now. So furious, they make out in the first alleyway they can find. MMmmm…used-syringe-a-licious! Ana says desire explodes through her “like the Fourth of July.” Wait..what? I though her desire was ‘dark and deadly’? I guess fireworks can be deadly. If you’re an idiot. Like Ana.

Christian snarls at her: “You. Are. Mine.”

Nice eh? What a stand up guy. You might want to let someone know where you are Ana. It’ll make locating the body easier.

And that is Chapter 1, in all its crazy, crazy glory! Whew! I wasn’t sure I’d make it.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “RavenLunatick and the Horrible Awful No-Good Book

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s