It’s a new day, the sun is shining, I’m caffeined up and ready to dive into Chapter 2 of Fifty Shades Darker. Grab your beverage of choice and settle in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. And not for the obvious, sexy reasons that you might imagine. Heavens to Betsy no! Not those reasons.
Christian shoves Ana into the first restaurant they pass, which he thinks is barely adequate and Ana thinks is very nice. As soon as the waiter appears Christian barks out an order which includes steak and french fries, and make it snappy. Ana says the waiter is taken aback by Christian’s cool efficiency, but I’m rather sure its his assholatry that’s the problem. I hope you wanted the “Special Sauce” on that steak sir, because I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re gonna get.
As soon as the waiter is gone to make their fap sauce, our crappy couple starts right in with the fighting. Ana is mad that Christian ordered without asking her what she wanted. Christian is angry because Ana was deliberately using Jose to make him jealous back at the art show.
Ana pauses, and is suddenly mortified. She has never thought of Jose as having feelings. Even though he has made clear that he is in love with her. Ana is a terrible person.
Christian snaps at the waiter again when he returns with the wine list. Nothing says Good Guy like taking out your frustrations on the wait-staff. Ana frowns at “Fifty.” Because she’s started calling him that. It’s not funny or cute.
Then they go all soap-opera on each others asses. They loooove each other!!!!! But they can never be what the other person waaaaaants! Nooooooo!
Then all of a sudden Christian makes a valid point. If the spanking was too much, why didn’t she use the safe word? That’s what it’s for, after all.
Yup. Just plain ol’ slipped her mind. I’m sure her mind is very slippery, but seriously? He made her repeat it. Like a dozen times. And she made a special point of being offended by that.
So then Ana apologises for him beating her. Damn right bi-atch!
Christian feels a bit better now and admits he’s had a rough week without Ana. Ana is ‘winded’ by this, she had no idea that Christian also had feelings like she does. Hooray Christian! You just helped Ana reach Piaget’s third stage of development! Ana now has the emotional maturity of a seven year old. Sweet!
The waiter comes back with the fap steak and Ana thinks, “Holy hell. Food.” Restaurants are crazy that way, non? You order food, and then they bring it to you! Mind-boggling! Exclamation point!
Ana is very, very hungry but hesitates to eat, angering Christian further. He orders her to eat and threatens spankings all around if she doesn’t. Woooo! Finally.
But it isn’t to be…Ana eats – slow enough to piss him off but fast enough to prevent and of that dirty, filthy sex from EVER HAPPENING.
They eat, and Christian announces that they are driving back to Seattle so they have a few hours alone in the car. Ana is shocked that they won’t be flying back after the bottle of wine they just drank. Christian’s driver arrives to take them home, and off they go! For lots of back of the car sex!
No. Not really.
Christian tells Ana he is so desperate that he is now willing to pursue an entirely normal relationship with Ana, if that is what it takes. He promises that there will be no “kinky fuckery” unless Ana wants it, but maybe not even then. And yes, he actually uses the words “kinky fuckery.”
Awwww…how…sweet? I guess? No wait. Boring. That’s the word I’m looking for. Sorry, I was having a moment there.
Then Ana can’t resist him any longer! She unbuckles, climbs into his lap and they have dirty, dirty car secks! Ha! No they don’t. The car crashes in a tangle of metal and fire and they both die because they aren’t wearing seat belts! No? Damn.
They go to sleep. Yep. Sleep. I need to point this out here, because Christian is a control freak right? He enjoys harnessing her into gliders and helicopters. He worries about whether Ana eats and sleeps. And yet he is totally A OK with Ana riding in a speeding car on his lap! With no seatbelt. Somebody’s inconsistently characterised. I’m not saying who.
But before sleep Christian drops this crap on Ana. He was abused by one of his mother’s pimps. He calls her “the crack-whore,” and says he remembers being alone with her dead body for 4 days after she killed herself. Colour me skeptical. He already said he doesn’t remember. So he was lying at least one of those times. We haven’t managed to make me feel any sympathy, just dislike him more because he’s an established liar in addition to the violent temper and the homophobia.
Then Christian calls himself Fifty Shades. It was annoying when Ana did it, it’s infuriating when Christian does it. We’re 38 pages into this debacle and they’ve bandied this term around, like, once a page. Stop already! I get it! I swear!
Then they are back outside Ana’s apartment. Christian tells Ana they will go on a date tomorrow. And she’s all, “but I’m going out for a drink with my boss tomorrow!” She has no idea how they will reconcile these two facts. Christian is furious again. Sexy! We’re supposed to believe that he is instantly jealous of Mister Jeckyll/Hyde, but honestly. I think he’s mad that Ana can’t figure this out. He tells her he will pick her up after her boss-drink-date. All she has to do is text him with her location. Simple!
Christian leaves her with a gift, which turns out to be the electronics she gave back in the last book, plus an iPad, which she knows how to use because her boss has one at work. Awww cute. Ana knows a thing. But just one.
She fires up the iPad and declares that Christian has made her a mix-tape. I call bullshit right here. Does a twenty year old even know what a tape is? Let alone a mix tape? Wouldn’t she consider it a playlist? Which it is. And why is Christian a sullen 1980’s teenager?
His playlist contains bands like Coldplay and Nelly Furtado, which just go to show that money can’t buy you taste. Ana goes on and on about how deep and meaningful the lyrics are, but doesn’t tell us what they are. I guess we’re meant to google them. Then she backtracks. Maybe the lyrics aren’t meaningful, maybe she’s overthinking things. Maybe! But how can I know if you don’t tell us what they are?! Ana is so overwhelmed that she needs to email Christian…
But, in blatant disregard of my yelling at the page, she does it anyway. The emails basically boil down to “Kissy kissy goo goo eyes. You hang up. No you hang up!” And the best part is they go on for three whole pages. Then Ana pulls a deflated balloon, that Christian bought her in the last book, out from under her bed and hugs it to sleep. Yeah. Of all the things he bought, that’s the one she kept.
The chapter ends with Ana falling asleep even though she just woke up. What new perversions does chapter three hold? Any? At all? Only time will tell.