Ana + Christian = Asstian, Worlds Most Emo Power Couple

Well, we left Ana waiting in the foyer of Christian’s penthouse, critiquing the art. She stands with one of Christian’s rent-a-cops, while Christian and the others “sweep the apartment.”

Ana is terrified for Christian’s safety, and she ought to be. Those security guys really suck at their job. They let Mrs. Robinson get past them twice in one day, and crazy ghost-girl ex got past them just now.

They are soooo fired.

Ana distracts herself by examining the paintings – 16 religious themed paintings, all Madonna and Child type affairs. Ana has never noticed them before, and wonders if Christian is religious. She has no idea, after all the crap they’ve been through. Well, Sherlock Holmes this girl is not.

The whole OMG-my-crazy-ex-is-in-the-apartment turns out to be nothing. Sweet. It’s like watching one of those Ghostbustery Paranormal Chase shows. You know the kind I mean. OMG! OMG LOOK OVER THERE IT’S A…[cut to commercial break]…[cut back to whoever is screaming]…OMG IT’S…oh it’s a spider. Nevermind.

Christian returns after only a minute of two, and there is much rejoicing.

They are such drama queens. They are perfect for each other, non? They need an awesome power couple name. Like Asstian.

Asstian.

Ana says, “Honestly your exes are proving to be very challenging, Mr. Grey.” Wha??? They just slink around whining and making vague threats. You haven’t even had to fight ONE of them ninja-style. Not very challenging at all. But Ana needn’t worry! Christian doesn’t want the police involved, he will deal with his exes himself. Hooray! He’s going to have this one shot too. I mean, what’s the point of being obscenely wealthy if you can’t have a few choice people rubbed out now and then?

Christian then orders Ana to bed even though she’s not tired anymore. She lays back to have a long think about all the things she has learned. Then she wakes up. Awwww…poor baby, she shorted out her brain.

It turns out this IS in fact an episode of ghost hunters, as Ana wakes to see A WOMAN OUTLINED IN THE DOORWAY! Oh wait, it was just her imagination. Phew.

Ana is still upset so she sets off the find Christian, who has never come to bed. He is in his study, on the phone, yelling at Mrs. Robinson. At 2 am. Ana listens in, she claims to feel guilty, but she does it anyway. When he’s done ranty-ranting Ana knocks on the door. He’s all snarly and angry until he realises it’s her. Then he’s suddenly Mr. Sunshine. Yeah. That’s totally not a red flag.

They make some blarfy, melodramatic kissy face, and hokey soap opera pronouncements of their feelings like these:

Do you know what you mean to me? If something happened to you because of me…

Ana marvels at how soft his beard stubble is, which sounds like bullshit to me. Stubble is picky, and unless Christian is covered in ultra-manly rabbit fur his stubble is picky too.

Your beard grows so quickly, Ana whispers in wonder at Christian. That’s in there. Ana actually says that. She is in a a state of perpetual wonderment at everyday normal things. You have beard stubble after a day of not shaving! It’s like some kind of fucking super power! You’re Beard Man! You stop villains in their tracks with your amazingly soft beard stubble, and rugged good looks.

Sigh.

Asstian, start to undress each other, and Ana notices Christian is still covered in that Harlot Red lipstick back from, like, a million chapters ago. I seriously need a timeline here. Because it feels like this story has been going on forever, but I suspect our crappy couple only met each other, like, a week and a half ago.

They head back to the bedroom.

“Miss Steele, you are insatiable.” Yeah maybe. But at some point there is going to be some chafing. Seriously. They had sex a half dozen times before the charity ball, they had sex *at* the ball, and now they are going to do it again. It’s the same day! Well, good fairytales always have an element of magic, and I guess the magic here is that they can have endless sex without getting sore.

They repair to the bedroom where they notice the balcony door has been mysteriously opened. HOLY CRAP SOMEONE IS HERE! Christian sounds the alarm, the Keystone cops come bumbling in and Asstian get dressed to leave.

Ana wears some track pants Christian throws at her – the first thing they can find to put on. She mentions how ridiculously big they are, which is odd since she wore Christian’s underwear way back in the first book and there was no issue with size. I know details can be hard to keep straight. Did the butler have blue eyes or green? Was the cousin of the love interest named Corrie or Carrie? But that’s the writer’s job to keep straight. And the editor’s job to catch the slips. Somebody didn’t do their job here.

You know what else? It’s insulting to the reader. Were the cufflinks mentioned once in the first chapter gold or silver? Who cares, the idiots reading this will never remember. Seriously? Why would I ever want to read a book that treats me like I’m stupid? I don’t.

Asstian flee to a hotel, and while in the car Ana reveals that she knows how to handle a gun. Oh sweet lord. This woman can barely stand up on her own, do NOT give her a goddamn gun! Christian is skeptical, and so am I. Throughout the books Ana claims to be good at many things: shooting, cooking, getting information out of people. But she’s never shown being good at these things. She’s a bit full of shit.

Christian tells Ana he’ll replace the car trashed by his crazy ex. And it’ll be exactly the same car, because he buys all his submissives the same car. Classy. He has no idea why this upsets Ana. This guy has no people skills at all. Then they get all emo and start in with a hackneyed, ‘if you knew anything about me you would leave me’. Ana assures him she will never leave. It’s like they are 15 years old.

Then they whine that Christian’s sister was cock blocking them at the auction. What a bitch! Expecting them to not have sex at a public charity event. That’s pretty fucking unreasonable if you ask me. But, Christian jokes, they got there in the end. Yes. The end. Haw haw haw.

They get to the hotel and check in as Mr. and Mrs. Taylor. Ana reads deep meaning into this even though there isn’t any. She doesn’t get this whole stealth thing. She hides her hands so the concierge can’t see that she isn’t wearing a wedding ring.

They settle into their room, and drink some more. It’s supposed to be classy, with expensive booze and a cozy fire but it just comes off as excessive. They already drank glasses and glasses of wine at the auction just a few hours ago.

Christian remarks that he’d like to drink and then lose himself in Ana. Maybe. Not. The best. Wording. I’m just saying. But it goes over everyone’s head so no one is offended. They lapse into another round of feeling heavily-boy-band-inspired feelings at each other.

I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me…it just goes on and on like that. They spend the whole time calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, which eventually somehow leads to sexytime. Which frankly is kinda creepy.

As sexytime gets going in earnest Christian’s eyes, “grow larger, burning into me, wary…and needful?” Ana is baffled by what this facial expression might mean. Well, I’m no expert here, but let me take a stab at it:

HE’S HORNY. YOU FUCKING MORON, HE’S HORNY.

Ok, that’s better.

Also, for some reason everyone is whispering. They whisper through the entire sex scene, for no reason I can discern. Maybe so Christian’s crazy exes can’t find them? Perhaps they have super hearing. I don’t know. There’s a bit of moaning at the end, though. SHHHHH! They’ll hear you!

While they are kissing, Ana describes their tongues as ‘avaricious.’ That’s a pretty fucking loaded word to describe two consenting adults french kissing. You evil sinful sinners! Having and enjoying sex right in the privacy of your own room! You disgust me.

Then Christian, in the middle of the evil, sinnarific sex announces: “”You’re going to unman me, Ana.”

How is the sex not instantly over? Why does Ana not respond, “Wait, what?” You’re going to unman me? With sex? Like by sexing your dick until it falls off? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Christian hands her a condom (remember this, it’s important in a minute) and Ana congratulates herself for being able to open it. It’s just not that difficult. But OK, take your victories where you can find them.

Ana asks him to sex her up hard and fast. Christian is all LOL, nope. He wants it slow. Yeah, Ana who the fuck cares what you want? Nobody, that’s who. Nobody. Deal with it.

After the sex Ana recaps for us in case we’ve forgotten since one whole paragraph ago: “It’s so late and I’m so tired, but I just want to enjoy the quiet serene afterglow of making love with Christian Grey, because that’s what we’ve done: gentle sweet lovemaking.

Thanks Captain Obvious!

They get all clingy and emo again and then fall asleep. The next day, Ana is super sore. Hmmmm…I wonder why? Maybe God is punishing you for all that sinning you just did. Christian orders Ana to eat breakfast because she will ‘need her strength today.’ This causes Ana’s Inner Goddess to wake up, looking ‘just-fucked.’ Oh God. Are her personalities having sex now too? In her head? With each other?! I don’t even.

They start to snap at each other, and Christian reminds Ana about the mandatory no discussion birth control that he has ordered. Ana wonders why they can’t just have a calm, pleasant morning. Because you’re both batshit crazy drama queens, dear. That’s why.

Soooo…the doctor shows up to shoot Ana. I wish. To give her a shot. Remember that whole condom thing I mentioned? Here’s where it’s important. Dr. Greene asks why Ana needs a shot after she just prescribed Ana the pill last week. Well, Ana explains, I stopped taking them. The doctor is horrified.

“You could be pregnant!” Doctor Plot Device exclaims.

Well, yeah, it’s possible, but they used a condom EVERY DAMN TIME. Ana seems to have forgotten, so we spend a tense page and a half waiting for a pregnancy test. She is “stunned.” Well, that makes sense. Ana is kind of a stun bunny. Turns out to be a false alarm. OMG I COULD BE PREGNANT!!!!. Oh wait, never mind.

She gets the shot and then goes back to Christian, still upset by the ordeal. Note here that Ana is not upset that Christian has gone behind her back to order mandatory birth control. That, for some reason is TOTALLY NOT A PROBLEM. She acts all snippy and tense with Christian, until he forces her to tell him what her fucking problem is. She admits how awful it was to think she was pregnant for 30 seconds. Then she proceeds to get mad at him when he is also relieved that she isn’t pregnant.

Then they have the worlds least sexy and possibly most emo shower ever recorded in the English language. They get naked and lather up and Ana starts to cry because of the feels! Oh the feels! Christian is such a vulnerable hurt boy! And somehow showering signifies this! They make a huge deal about the fact that Christian does not like to be touched in a series of well delineated areas. There’s much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and I just fucking know I KNOW there’s going to be a triumphant scene in the last book where Ana can finally touch Christian all over because he’s been healed by her goody-goodness.

I want. To barf.

In a weird change of character, Ana mans up and suddenly tells Christian, I know how you feel about me…you love me.

Well, somebody had to say it. And so the chapter ends, not with a bang (haw haw) but with a literal whimper, as he answers, “Yes, I do.”

SHHHHHHH…they’ll hear you.

Take the Crazy Train to Drama City in Chapter 7 of 50 Shades Darker

So in Chapter 7, Ana dials the BatshitInsanimometer straight up to 11 with this Iiiiiiiinterjection:

“Holy shit, did really I just do that?”

Did you, Ana? Did you?! Yep. You did. And stop blaming it on the champagne, this was all you, baby.

Christian is furious and aroused, and so is Ana. Ana’s multiple personalities are back in full force this chapter. The Subconscious makes ‘The Scream’ faces at her, and The Inner Goddess has taken up figure skating. Apparently.

 

[So, sometime in that blissful period between finishing Chapter 6 and starting Chapter 7, I realised that Ana had a $24K cheque from the sale of her ostensibly classic car, an aging, broken down VW Beetle. I vaguely remember there being drama (quelle surprise), Ana refusing to take the cheque, and at least one full-out fight over it, and honestly I don’t remember what became of it in the end. So there is the distinct possibility that Ana can, in fact, pay for her scandalous bid at the charity auction. And if that’s the case, I don’t know WTF Christian is all mad about.]

Christian threatens to spank Ana and she is all Hoooray, which is weird because the spanking is the reason she left him the first time. She hated it. But now, after some drunken reflection, it’s totally hot. They stare way too long, slurp their lips at each other like the dogs in Lady and the Tramp, and then Christian (ever so discreetly!) takes Ana’s hand and puts it on Mr. Peepee. At the table. In the middle of dinner.

I’m not a prude, so this isn’t really the problem. Get this though: Ana claims he does it sooo slowly and surreptitiously that she doesn’t realise what’s happening until it is too late. Really? What other thing did you imagine your hand was doing in his crotchal area? Honestly woman. Ana darts her eyes around the table, but apparently no one cares that they are practically fucking.

Thank heavens for my mask, Ana thinks. Yeah. That mask isn’t hiding as much as you think. She’s like Clark Kent with those fucking glasses. No one will know my secret now! They are grinding and gasping and panting right at the table, but it’s O-fucking-K because she’s got her fucking mask.

Ana claims to feel his erection growing beneath her fingers. But..but..but it was already erect three paragraphs ago. I’m not sure she understands how these things work. It’s not an erection if it isn’t erect. I’m pretty sure there’s a metapod joke in here someplace…

It’s super effective!

The crowd rudely interrupts their sex play with loud clapping because, thank fucking god, the auction is over. Christian and Ana have to do socially acceptable things with their hands. They get ready to leave for some sexytimes when Christian’s manically cheerful sister, Mia, corners Ana and tells her it’s time for the First Dance Auction.

The First Dance Auction.

Let’s stop here. What do *you*, the reader, think that means? Something about first dances? And auctioning them off? Right?
Okay? Okay.

But Ana haz a dum.

Because Ana gets herded onto stage with a dozen other ladies, including Mia, and then has to have this concept explained to her. Ana blushes, “from head to toe.” She calls it ‘humiliating.’ Mia assures her that Christian won’t let anyone else win a dance with her anyway. He’s pathologically jealous!

Ana argues with herself for a surprisingly long time about whether Christian can or should spend more money to bid on her. She rationalises that it’s for charity. Just like the twenty four thousand dollars he’s already spent. Ha! She forgot the cheque too. Ana *does* think Christian is paying for the weekend Ana won. Ok then. That’s settled.

Ana is further horrified to find that men are lining up to bid on the women on stage. OK Ana, they already explained how the auction works. Do we need to go over it again? The auction goes on for an interminably long time, during which Ana experiences all the various flavours of mortification.

She makes small talk with Mia and finds out that Christian was a problem child until the age of 15 when he suddenly became well behaved. Something creaks into place in Ana’s rusty old brain – that’s just when he met Mrs. Robinson! Now she’s confused, humiliated, and mad. Sweet.

Eventually, Ana is auctioned off at 10 times the price of any other girl. Ana is shocked that someone bids against Christian, and in a lame attempt at drama it is revealed to be Christian’s therapist.

Our crappy couple has some time to kill between the first dance auction and the actual first dance. Christian tells Ana he ‘has to show her something.’ Of course he does. His etchings? What could it be?

Well, I’m stumped.

They fuck off to…Christian’s old bedroom! Eeeeew! His parents have some kind of creepy shrine dedicated to teenage Christian, complete with band posters and ticket stubs so Ana can learn some much needed backstory for God’s sake. The room is tastefully decorated in all white: the only colour rich people like in 50Shadesland.

They then proceed to get it on in typical 50 Shades style. Ana begs Christian to spank her and he refuses because that’s how he rolls. He eventually gives in as long as she remembers to use the safe word. I’m not even sure they ever decided on a safe word. It’s been awhile. Ana notices that the spanking is either fueling her desire or quenching it. She can’t be sure. Let me repeat that. She can’t. Be sure.

It’s one thing or the other, baby. One or the other.

Afterwards, they get dressed without fixing their hair or wondering if they look decent. They go off to the dance which is wave after wave of boring backstory as Ana is forced to dance with Christian’s male relatives and his therapist. The therapist, Dr. Flynn, asks Ana if she is enjoying herself to which she answers, “I was.” Classy.

Ana torments Christian by pretending that the therapist has told her all his secrets in the two or three minutes they were alone together. Christian is predictably hurt and furious and Ana has to tell him she’s just teasing. I’m not sure how he runs a multinational corporation like he claims to do. Of course, his pet project IS a windup cell phone for destitute third world kids, soooo…well you see where I’m going. I’m starting to wonder more and more if his parents aren’t just bankrolling all his expensive failures. Yes, Dear, of course starving kids want wind-up cell phones. You’re a marketing genius.

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1440609024/h669A3169/

Finally, after champagne, five glasses of wine, sex, and at least four dances, Ana needs to pee. My first thought was to wonder, After all this time? What are they setting her up for? What indeed.

It turns out to be Mrs. Robinson who has snuck past Christian’s bumbling Keystone Cops-style security team, to confront Ana. Ahhhhhh. Now I understand. Time to board the Overdramatic Express straight to Crazytown Station. Mrs. R dearly loves Christian and approves their relationship but if Ana hurts Christian, then Mrs. R will kill her. Ummm…ok. Thanks? Ana is shocked when Mrs. R says Christian loves her. Mrs. R is shocked when Ana calls her a pedophile. They trade insults until Christian gets there. It’s shocking. I guess. If you are a moron.

Ana storms out forcing Christian to choose between her and Mrs. R even though there has been ZERO indication that he has feelings for Mrs. R. Ana is glad that he makes the right choice but still reams him out because she’s just plain nuts. She expects Christian to make a choice but isn’t even sure what that means. What am I asking him to do, she asks us. I don’t know! It’s not a Choose Your Own Adventure book! You are supposed to tell us!

Christian suggests they leave, but instead Ana chooses to stay and pout.

Finally, in the moment I have been waiting for, Christian’s father corners Ana to ask how she’ll pay her twenty-four thousand dollar bid. Ana says she recently came into some money. Or rather, money came into her. Bah-dum tiss! So she does remember that cheque! I can’t even begin to speculate why she thought she was punishing Christian, or why she ‘had gotten away with it’ when it was her damn money.

Daddy Crazybucks drops some more backstory, and becomes one in a long line of Christian’s family members who tell Ana how surprised and glad they are that Christian is capable of having a relationship. Huge Red Flag. When your date’s own parents can’t believe that he is capable of loving anyone but himself, it is time to cut your losses. Run Ana! Run!

Of course, she doesn’t, and we get to spend an entire, agonizing page describing the ritzy high-priced fireworks (all the good kind, and sooo many!) before they finally leave the Convenient Way to Drop Backstory Auction and Pedophile Convention.

In the car, Christian announces that Ana will now be taking birth control shots, and that the doctor will arrive in the morning to administer same. Ana is vaguely mad and then just doesn’t care. This, Ana. This is a thing you can legitimately be mad about. Ana has been angry for most of the chapter over nothing. But this? A OK. I guess she used up her mad quota already?

Then, despite Christian’s crack security team, Mrs. R manages to sneak Ana a personal letter, asking Ana to meet her for lunch and threatening her again for good measure. I’m just…I feel like I’m getting some mixed messages here. Care to meet for lunch and death threats? Ummm…no, I’m good.

Christian assures Ana that he will deal with Mrs. R in the morning. Yay! He’s having her killed! They arrive back at Christian’s penthouse to find that another crazy ex has broken in, and is maybe dun dun dun still there. But maybe not. We don’t know. Ana is left standing in the lobby as the chapter finally, mercifully ends.

I have a monster migraine.

My On-Again-Off-Again Relationship with 50 Shades is On Again

Well, against my better judgement I’ve resumed updates on I Read 50 Shades. I’ve had a nice long break and I am unpleasantly surprised to find that 50 Shades Darker is just as bad as I remember.

Here’s the tl:dr – Sex, sex, library, charity ball, temper tantrum, I have a stroke.

So, Chapter 6. They do in fact describe the sex from the last chapter, I guess it just needed to be shunted over to the next chapter so I can enjoy it in loving detail. Lucky me. Somehow, as always, the description of the sex is a bit off. By the end of the first paragraph, the author has to assure us that, ‘it’s heavenly.’

Whatever happened to show, don’t tell? Is that not the first rule of storytelling? Seriously, the first rule of writing club is don’t tell people about writing club. I feel like that should have been part of the dialogue, but then it would be one more thing that made Ana sound uber-British, instead of like the young American girl we are supposed to imagine.

Ana goes all moany and Christian says, “Yes, baby. Let me hear you.” He sounds overly formal for someone in the middle of sex, like Sexy-Talk-Bot 5000. For some reason this particular exchange has led me to hear all Christian’s lines in the voice of Principal Skinner.

Are you adequately prepared to rock?

Are you?

Ana is. Apparently. Ana ‘can sense his longing, mixed with –what?’ I don’t fucking know! Just tell me. Veneration. It turns out to be veneration. She can also feel his ‘hungry desperation’ and says it has never been like this before. Except every other fucking time. This girl. She forgets quick.

The very thought that she can bring somebody comfort with sex makes her come ‘unravelled.’ I’m not sure she was ever quite ravelled in the first place. Or knitted up. I don’t think ravelled and unravelled are opposites. I don’t know. Whatever.

Christian breaks up her weird inner montage thing by abruptly standing and tossing a condom packet at her. Suave. I imagine it hitting her in the face with a little ‘tschick’ sound.

Then they get it on! Bow-chicka-bow-bow…There’s lots of stilted sounding up-and-downing and in-and-outing, talk of perfect symmetry, and for some inexplicable reason, spinning.

Wheeeeeee!

Afterwards, they relax together and Christian remarks that Ana has no idea how beautiful she is. The conversation goes thusly: You’re insecure, don’t know what for. You’re turning heads when you walk through the doooooor…

No really.

That’s the gist of it. Listen to some 1D and you’ll get the same creepy, ‘insecurity is soooper hawt’ vibe. Ana notes that she feels totally comfortable sitting naked with Christian in broad daylight. Like a brazen strumpet. Instead of in the shameful, sin-hiding darkness like a proper lady. She doesn’t say that last bit of course, but the implication is there.

Let me step back for a moment and just say, there are soooo many things wrong with the portrayal of sex in this book. So much repressed Catholic guilt. Sex ought to be fun and life-affirming, not a scary dark underworld that good girls get pulled into, like souls into the gaping maw of hell. The words chosen to describe the sex are instructive: dark, growling, forbidden, dangerous, punishing (not in the context of bdsm). These are words appropriate to describing a bunch of werewolves hunched over a kill, not two consenting adults having sex.

And consider: Ana is portrayed as being basically asexual until she meets Christian. She hasn’t had a boyfriend (or girlfriend, but let’s ignore the homophobia I’ve previously noted in this book). She’s never kissed, or even held hands with anyone. Ever. And she had never wanted to. Not even with little Bobby in the first grade. That’s explicitly stated in the first book. She never ever experienced any twinges of any funny feelings “down there” until she meets Christian, who somehow, magically turns her sex switch to the “on” position. And suddenly she’s a full-on nymphomaniac. I am pretty uninformed as to how it works being an asexual, but I don’t think it works that way. Any aces are welcome to correct me here…

Okay, back to the point…they fool around a bit and Christian, “removes the condom, dropping it unceremoniously on the floor.” That is a direct quote. That is also just fucking gross. Rich guy can’t afford a trashcan? Yuck.

They fool around some more and then get it on again. The scene fades out to this exchange:

“Again?” I murmur.

He smiles. “Oh yes, Miss Steele. Again.”

After the sex but before the Charity ball something vaguely unsettling happens. I mean, more unsettling than usual. More unsettling even than the fact that she is careful to leave her hair a gross, knotted, sex-smelling mess when she gets ready for the charity ball. And that’s pretty unsettling.

Christian says, “Come. I want to show you something.”

I get the niggling feeling I’ve heard this somewhere before…then Christian leads her to…

…a library.

Aaaarrrrghghghhhhhhhh!

The farther I get into this chapter the more unsettling it gets: little, offhand references to her ‘sexy beast’, and to ‘enchanted kingdoms’ only intensify the creepiness. I get the feeling that the author’s kids were mainlining Beauty and the Beast while she was writing this chapter. At least I hope so. That’s the least icky explanation.

After this, most of the rest of the chapter is pretty uneventful. Somewhere in there, Christian convinces Ana she wants to wear the Ben Wa balls to the charity ball, and that it will be a huge larf (she ends up just taking them out, so that’s a non-starter right there). The event turns out to be a masked ball, which explains the mask on the cover of the book, although the mask described is a lovely silver filigree and cobalt blue, and not the tinfoil dollar store jobby on the front.

They go to the ball, put on by Christian’s mother, and the author assures us all it’s very lovely and opulent, but we’ll have to trust her since it’s only vaguely described. The masqueraders are described as wearing “all manner of masks.” Remember when we had this problem with the sex, above? She doesn’t show us it’s good. She has to assure us that it is. Let me put on my skepticles.

Allow me to put on my "skepticles"

There’s dinner, catty small talk with Christian’s many jilted admirers, and weird faked-up drama. All the things we’ve grown to love! Or expect. Or grudgingly tolerate.

Ana ends the chapter on a note of childish spite. She’s already cranky at only having gotten off a dozen times today, and stunned by the revelation that Christian owns some properties (whuda thunk it), but is stirred to fury that Mrs. Pedo Robinson is on the list of donors. As far as we can tell she isn’t even at the event, but the mere thought of one of Christian’s exes making a donation to the poor enrages Ana. Seriously. She’s pissed.

Ana decides to make Christian pay (literally!) by bidding twenty four thousand dollars on a weekend getaway in Aspen. Ana makes the winning bid, and everyone at the table is properly scandalised since they know she hasn’t got any money of her own.

I’m sure in the next chapter there will be rage, and then angry sex, and then wheedling apologies, and then makeup sex. Here’s a handy chart for you to follow along!

It’s like a textbook abusive relationship. Social workers should have to read this book in college.

Seriously.

See you next time! If I haven’t stabbed my eyes out.