Ana + Christian = Asstian, Worlds Most Emo Power Couple

Well, we left Ana waiting in the foyer of Christian’s penthouse, critiquing the art. She stands with one of Christian’s rent-a-cops, while Christian and the others “sweep the apartment.”

Ana is terrified for Christian’s safety, and she ought to be. Those security guys really suck at their job. They let Mrs. Robinson get past them twice in one day, and crazy ghost-girl ex got past them just now.

They are soooo fired.

Ana distracts herself by examining the paintings – 16 religious themed paintings, all Madonna and Child type affairs. Ana has never noticed them before, and wonders if Christian is religious. She has no idea, after all the crap they’ve been through. Well, Sherlock Holmes this girl is not.

The whole OMG-my-crazy-ex-is-in-the-apartment turns out to be nothing. Sweet. It’s like watching one of those Ghostbustery Paranormal Chase shows. You know the kind I mean. OMG! OMG LOOK OVER THERE IT’S A…[cut to commercial break]…[cut back to whoever is screaming]…OMG IT’S…oh it’s a spider. Nevermind.

Christian returns after only a minute of two, and there is much rejoicing.

They are such drama queens. They are perfect for each other, non? They need an awesome power couple name. Like Asstian.

Asstian.

Ana says, “Honestly your exes are proving to be very challenging, Mr. Grey.” Wha??? They just slink around whining and making vague threats. You haven’t even had to fight ONE of them ninja-style. Not very challenging at all. But Ana needn’t worry! Christian doesn’t want the police involved, he will deal with his exes himself. Hooray! He’s going to have this one shot too. I mean, what’s the point of being obscenely wealthy if you can’t have a few choice people rubbed out now and then?

Christian then orders Ana to bed even though she’s not tired anymore. She lays back to have a long think about all the things she has learned. Then she wakes up. Awwww…poor baby, she shorted out her brain.

It turns out this IS in fact an episode of ghost hunters, as Ana wakes to see A WOMAN OUTLINED IN THE DOORWAY! Oh wait, it was just her imagination. Phew.

Ana is still upset so she sets off the find Christian, who has never come to bed. He is in his study, on the phone, yelling at Mrs. Robinson. At 2 am. Ana listens in, she claims to feel guilty, but she does it anyway. When he’s done ranty-ranting Ana knocks on the door. He’s all snarly and angry until he realises it’s her. Then he’s suddenly Mr. Sunshine. Yeah. That’s totally not a red flag.

They make some blarfy, melodramatic kissy face, and hokey soap opera pronouncements of their feelings like these:

Do you know what you mean to me? If something happened to you because of me…

Ana marvels at how soft his beard stubble is, which sounds like bullshit to me. Stubble is picky, and unless Christian is covered in ultra-manly rabbit fur his stubble is picky too.

Your beard grows so quickly, Ana whispers in wonder at Christian. That’s in there. Ana actually says that. She is in a a state of perpetual wonderment at everyday normal things. You have beard stubble after a day of not shaving! It’s like some kind of fucking super power! You’re Beard Man! You stop villains in their tracks with your amazingly soft beard stubble, and rugged good looks.

Sigh.

Asstian, start to undress each other, and Ana notices Christian is still covered in that Harlot Red lipstick back from, like, a million chapters ago. I seriously need a timeline here. Because it feels like this story has been going on forever, but I suspect our crappy couple only met each other, like, a week and a half ago.

They head back to the bedroom.

“Miss Steele, you are insatiable.” Yeah maybe. But at some point there is going to be some chafing. Seriously. They had sex a half dozen times before the charity ball, they had sex *at* the ball, and now they are going to do it again. It’s the same day! Well, good fairytales always have an element of magic, and I guess the magic here is that they can have endless sex without getting sore.

They repair to the bedroom where they notice the balcony door has been mysteriously opened. HOLY CRAP SOMEONE IS HERE! Christian sounds the alarm, the Keystone cops come bumbling in and Asstian get dressed to leave.

Ana wears some track pants Christian throws at her – the first thing they can find to put on. She mentions how ridiculously big they are, which is odd since she wore Christian’s underwear way back in the first book and there was no issue with size. I know details can be hard to keep straight. Did the butler have blue eyes or green? Was the cousin of the love interest named Corrie or Carrie? But that’s the writer’s job to keep straight. And the editor’s job to catch the slips. Somebody didn’t do their job here.

You know what else? It’s insulting to the reader. Were the cufflinks mentioned once in the first chapter gold or silver? Who cares, the idiots reading this will never remember. Seriously? Why would I ever want to read a book that treats me like I’m stupid? I don’t.

Asstian flee to a hotel, and while in the car Ana reveals that she knows how to handle a gun. Oh sweet lord. This woman can barely stand up on her own, do NOT give her a goddamn gun! Christian is skeptical, and so am I. Throughout the books Ana claims to be good at many things: shooting, cooking, getting information out of people. But she’s never shown being good at these things. She’s a bit full of shit.

Christian tells Ana he’ll replace the car trashed by his crazy ex. And it’ll be exactly the same car, because he buys all his submissives the same car. Classy. He has no idea why this upsets Ana. This guy has no people skills at all. Then they get all emo and start in with a hackneyed, ‘if you knew anything about me you would leave me’. Ana assures him she will never leave. It’s like they are 15 years old.

Then they whine that Christian’s sister was cock blocking them at the auction. What a bitch! Expecting them to not have sex at a public charity event. That’s pretty fucking unreasonable if you ask me. But, Christian jokes, they got there in the end. Yes. The end. Haw haw haw.

They get to the hotel and check in as Mr. and Mrs. Taylor. Ana reads deep meaning into this even though there isn’t any. She doesn’t get this whole stealth thing. She hides her hands so the concierge can’t see that she isn’t wearing a wedding ring.

They settle into their room, and drink some more. It’s supposed to be classy, with expensive booze and a cozy fire but it just comes off as excessive. They already drank glasses and glasses of wine at the auction just a few hours ago.

Christian remarks that he’d like to drink and then lose himself in Ana. Maybe. Not. The best. Wording. I’m just saying. But it goes over everyone’s head so no one is offended. They lapse into another round of feeling heavily-boy-band-inspired feelings at each other.

I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me…it just goes on and on like that. They spend the whole time calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, which eventually somehow leads to sexytime. Which frankly is kinda creepy.

As sexytime gets going in earnest Christian’s eyes, “grow larger, burning into me, wary…and needful?” Ana is baffled by what this facial expression might mean. Well, I’m no expert here, but let me take a stab at it:

HE’S HORNY. YOU FUCKING MORON, HE’S HORNY.

Ok, that’s better.

Also, for some reason everyone is whispering. They whisper through the entire sex scene, for no reason I can discern. Maybe so Christian’s crazy exes can’t find them? Perhaps they have super hearing. I don’t know. There’s a bit of moaning at the end, though. SHHHHH! They’ll hear you!

While they are kissing, Ana describes their tongues as ‘avaricious.’ That’s a pretty fucking loaded word to describe two consenting adults french kissing. You evil sinful sinners! Having and enjoying sex right in the privacy of your own room! You disgust me.

Then Christian, in the middle of the evil, sinnarific sex announces: “”You’re going to unman me, Ana.”

How is the sex not instantly over? Why does Ana not respond, “Wait, what?” You’re going to unman me? With sex? Like by sexing your dick until it falls off? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Christian hands her a condom (remember this, it’s important in a minute) and Ana congratulates herself for being able to open it. It’s just not that difficult. But OK, take your victories where you can find them.

Ana asks him to sex her up hard and fast. Christian is all LOL, nope. He wants it slow. Yeah, Ana who the fuck cares what you want? Nobody, that’s who. Nobody. Deal with it.

After the sex Ana recaps for us in case we’ve forgotten since one whole paragraph ago: “It’s so late and I’m so tired, but I just want to enjoy the quiet serene afterglow of making love with Christian Grey, because that’s what we’ve done: gentle sweet lovemaking.

Thanks Captain Obvious!

They get all clingy and emo again and then fall asleep. The next day, Ana is super sore. Hmmmm…I wonder why? Maybe God is punishing you for all that sinning you just did. Christian orders Ana to eat breakfast because she will ‘need her strength today.’ This causes Ana’s Inner Goddess to wake up, looking ‘just-fucked.’ Oh God. Are her personalities having sex now too? In her head? With each other?! I don’t even.

They start to snap at each other, and Christian reminds Ana about the mandatory no discussion birth control that he has ordered. Ana wonders why they can’t just have a calm, pleasant morning. Because you’re both batshit crazy drama queens, dear. That’s why.

Soooo…the doctor shows up to shoot Ana. I wish. To give her a shot. Remember that whole condom thing I mentioned? Here’s where it’s important. Dr. Greene asks why Ana needs a shot after she just prescribed Ana the pill last week. Well, Ana explains, I stopped taking them. The doctor is horrified.

“You could be pregnant!” Doctor Plot Device exclaims.

Well, yeah, it’s possible, but they used a condom EVERY DAMN TIME. Ana seems to have forgotten, so we spend a tense page and a half waiting for a pregnancy test. She is “stunned.” Well, that makes sense. Ana is kind of a stun bunny. Turns out to be a false alarm. OMG I COULD BE PREGNANT!!!!. Oh wait, never mind.

She gets the shot and then goes back to Christian, still upset by the ordeal. Note here that Ana is not upset that Christian has gone behind her back to order mandatory birth control. That, for some reason is TOTALLY NOT A PROBLEM. She acts all snippy and tense with Christian, until he forces her to tell him what her fucking problem is. She admits how awful it was to think she was pregnant for 30 seconds. Then she proceeds to get mad at him when he is also relieved that she isn’t pregnant.

Then they have the worlds least sexy and possibly most emo shower ever recorded in the English language. They get naked and lather up and Ana starts to cry because of the feels! Oh the feels! Christian is such a vulnerable hurt boy! And somehow showering signifies this! They make a huge deal about the fact that Christian does not like to be touched in a series of well delineated areas. There’s much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and I just fucking know I KNOW there’s going to be a triumphant scene in the last book where Ana can finally touch Christian all over because he’s been healed by her goody-goodness.

I want. To barf.

In a weird change of character, Ana mans up and suddenly tells Christian, I know how you feel about me…you love me.

Well, somebody had to say it. And so the chapter ends, not with a bang (haw haw) but with a literal whimper, as he answers, “Yes, I do.”

SHHHHHHH…they’ll hear you.

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