Anastasia Steele and the Boring Boringness of Being Boring

Chapter 10 is weird. It wasn’t any shorter than the other chapters, but there were so few actual things that happened. Here’s the short version: our crappy couple, Asstian, wraps up the boat ride and they sail back to the marina. They have supper and then get the all clear to go back to Christian’s apartment. Finally, they have an argument and play pool.

Can we just forget Chapter 10 ever happened? It is pretty forgettable.

The long version starts off with Christian and Ana relaxing in bed. With sexy time over, Christian remembers his boat guy, who sailed off on his own so they could sex it up in peace.

“Mac will be back soon,” he murmurs sexfully.

Oh yeah! They’d better get dressed and presentable!

They make the exact opposite of witty banter, and complement each other heavily. Character Ana tells Christian how sexy he is, and Narrator Ana says I smack my lips appreciatively. I don’t even know how to mock that, because what does it even mean? Does one smack ones lips in appreciation? Is that a thing now? I think I need a how-to video on smacking my lips appreciatively.

You know, for science.

Ana reminds us *again* that they are no longer having filthy sinful sex. Now that love is on the table they are making sweet sweet love. Christian tells Ana there is a shower if she wants to wash her filthy self, and Ana reflects on how different and nurturing he acts now that they are in looooovvve. Nope. That’s how he’s always acted.

There’s some clichéd banter and a little playful grab-ass before Christian heads back above deck, and leaves Ana to her ‘scattered thoughts’. If we can properly call them thoughts.

As they day wears on, they both get kinda cranky and start snapping at each other. Fun! Ana wonders if she could ever leave Christian, “now that he’s admitted he loves me?” She decides that, no, she can’t. Even if he beats her, leaving would be a betrayal of his love.

And the beating totally wouldn’t be any kind of betrayal of anyone? Apparently not.

Christian tells Ana more about the boat and even gives her a tour, but since she has no knowledge of boats, she doesn’t bother to listen and instead hits us over the head with the THEY HAVE JUST MADE SWEET LOVE hammer. In case we had forgotten. She further muses that Christian must be a superlative lover, even though she has no basis for comparison.

Christian quotes her a line from The Little Prince about sailing. Look how cultured and mature he is, he quotes children’s books! I mean, I quote children’s books, but I’m not pretending to be mature and cultured. So there. Nyah! Ana doesn’t recognize it, but still tells Christian that she ‘adores’ The Little Prince. You know, after he tells her that it is from the Little Prince. Sure lady.

They get back to the marina, and Ana makes a huge fuss about how well Christian parks his boat. In fact, she claims a crowd gathers just to watch. He’s some kind of boat parking God. He is Parker the Great and Terrible. Fear him!

They never do explain what the crowd is there for. I assume it’s an army of Christian’s hired people, waiting there to hose down the boat with bleach now that Christian and Ana have soiled it with their filthy sinning.

We’re told that Christian’s apartment is now safe (crazy-plot-device ex is not there. For realz this time) so our couple prepare to head back. Ana asks about their luggage at the hotel, and is flabbergasted that Taylor has already gotten it. Even Christian is a bit pissed this time. He reminds Ana that it is TAYLOR’S JOB to do stuff for Christian. But once again, Ana can’t quite believe that people might do their jobs. We’ve seen her easy breezy work ethic previously, so her attitude is not surprising.

Suddenly, all this talk of Taylor and doing his job makes Christian inexplicably jealous. Christian sulks, and Ana tells him to grow up. They snap at each other awhile longer, boring us to tears in the process.

They finally, FINALLY leave the marina (one assumes they’ve been arguing in front of the crowd that gathered to watch Christian park) and head out for supper at Conveniently Located Next to the Parking Lot Bistro.

Ana gets all goggle-eyed over the décor, and tells us that there is a large photograph, “serving as a mural” on the wall. Does that make any sense to anyone else? Photos and murals are two different things. A photo serves as a photo. Why wouldn’t you just say there was a big-ass photograph on the wall and leave it at that?

Over dinner, things just get weirder. Ana grills Christian as to why he has no friends. It turns out his only friend is Mrs. Robinson, who Ana calls “the bitch-troll.” Well, now they are both good and angry. They order risotto. Then Ana decides that, since Christian is in a talkative mood, she ought to take advantage of it. They get all emo and feelsy at each other, which, frankly is just annoying at this point.

Now here’s where the crazy gets dialed way up to 11. Ana is worried that Christian will want to beat her again, and he confirms that, yes, he does in fact enjoy controlling and punishing her. BUT he promises to control himself and Ana…Ana is…upset. Upset. Two seconds ago she felt the exact opposite. Here’s an artist’s conception of me reading this:

 

But I don’t want you to stop beating me! She yells, I just want to bitch and throw a fit when you do it! Well, that’s not exactly what she says, but that’s the gist of it. Seriously. Christian is understandably confused as Ana tries to convince him that maybe he should beat her just a little, you know, to let off steam. Holy mixed messages Batman. Ana has no fucking idea what she wants. Christian tells her to hold her horses, as it’s only been one weekend since they got back together. They can work up to full-on beatings later.

Good idea.

Then suddenly, bruschetta bread and boring travel conversation happen, and then lunch is over. Ana assures us that the meal was both tasty AND filling as they drive home, but we just have to take her word for it.

She muses that Christian is still hiding something from her. Something important! And highly dramatic! I can’t wait to find out what it is! Not really. I could die happily never knowing what bullshit secret Christian is hiding. If it turns out to be anything at all.

They get back to the Escala where Christian lives, and make out in the elevator. Taylor meets them at the top, and Christian is enraged – fucking livid – when Ana makes vaguely suggestive small talk with Taylor. Christian forbids the staff from talking to Ana and Ana from talking to them other than to give orders or exchange information.

Ana apologises. She apologises for making breezy small talk with Taylor.

Then Ana heads upstairs to find clothes for work. Remember her job? It’s the one where she emails Christian all day but can’t be fired because he owns the company! When she gets to her room OMG her clothes are all gone! Her first thought is that Christian threw them all away. That’s her first thought. That’s how you know it’s a healthy relationship.

It turns out to be nothing. Again. Is it too much to ask, that just once, it turns out to be SOMETHING? Anything? But no. Christian just moved Ana’s things into his bedroom. They are in real actual love now, so its ok if they share a room, and not just get together for sex.

Still, they are both spoiling for a fight, and quickly find something else to be mad about. Ana mentions work, and Christian forbids her from working “for her safety.” Ana is furious that he is so controlling, and Christian is furious that she is so cavalier about her safety. Aren’t they perfect for each other? They are.

Christian threatens to hold Ana hostage until it is safe. Let me repeat that. He will hold her hostage until he decides it is safe. Ana realises that he could totally do that, so she decides to compromise – Ana will be allowed to work, but she must have a body guard at all times.

Then the kidnapping threats are forgotten almost immediately, as Christian takes Ana on a proper tour of his apartment. I guess Ana can only focus on one thing at a time. Look Ana! Shiny!

Ana is shocked that Taylor and the maid each have mini apartments to live in. Where did she think they stayed? In closets? Under the kitchen counters? Did she think they commute in from Narnia every day? I get that Ana is supposed to be innocent and all, but she really doesn’t even think about other people AT ALL.

The tour ends in the Beauty and the Beast Memorial Library, which we’ve already seen. Our crappy couple decide to play pool. Ana fancies herself a pool shark and challenges Christian to a game. They make a bet. A sexy bet. If Ana wins, she gets a spanking and sex in the playroom (because we know how she loooooved that the first time). If Christian wins, he gets his choice of rewards. They both make a big show of unnecessary bending and stretching, and eventually Christian is about to take the last shot. His prize? Spanking and sex RIGHT HERE! Ana is aghast as we fade to black. But Ana, LOVE IS ON THE TABLE!

Kill me.

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