Chapter 12 of 50 Shades Darker: Christian Grey and the I Can’t Even

Mrs. Robinson arrives, dressed entirely in black because she is evil. I imagine she looks something like this:

We find out that Mrs. Robinson pops in randomly during the week to chat – and today she has a problem. Elena (her actual name) is stunned that Ana is there, since Christian’s subs are strictly a weekend thing. Christian explains that Ana is his girlfriend now, and since they are in looooovvvve Elena can’t just show up anymore.

Elena announces that she’s being blackmailed for a ridiculously small amount of money. She produces a ransom note and tries to get Christian to touch it. Touch it. Yesssss…touch it. She tells him there’s no need to worry about fingerprints because she cannot possibly go to the police.
Because OBVIOUSLY people as immoral as she don’t deserve to be protected by the police.*eyeroll*

Christian and Elena try to hash out who might have sent the letter, but ultimately they have no idea. They wonder if it is someone in the “community”, and throw out a bunch of names. Ana has no idea who or what they are talking about, and trying to think makes her tired so she decides to go to bed.

Christian offers to pay the ransom, and offers to have his crack team investigate. Because we’ll all know how great they are. As soon as Ana is out of the room, Elena and Christian start gossiping about Ana. So instead of going to bed, Ana stays outside and eavesdrops on the conversation. She “can’t help it.” Sure. Whatever gets you through the night. Elena moans that Ana cannot possibly want to stay with Christian knowing all his flaws, and Christian gets all mad. He tells her Ana knows him, “better than anyone.” Elena is hurt, because she is his bestest bestie. Like, 4 eva!

Christian tells her to buzz off because Ana doesn’t understand their relationship and just how deeply, utterly platonic it is. Elena insists that he, “make her understand.” Easier said than done lady. Easier said than done. Ana doesn’t understand just about everything. I’m not sure how she managed before she had Christian’s servants to do everything for her. I’m not entirely convinced that she did. In fact I suspect that Kate is not her ‘roommate’ but actually her personal care provider.

Then Christian goes full emo and gives us this gem, “It’s in the past Elena, and why would I want to taint her with our fucked-up relationship? She’s good and sweet and innocent, and by some miracle she loves me.”

Elena changes tactics and tells him what a great catch he is, despite telling him the exact opposite just a minute ago. What is it with this book? No one can keep their opinions straight. Elena asks him if he doesn’t miss his playroom, just a bit. Christian is even more furious and kicks Elena out, but not before telling her it’s none of her fucking business.

Anastasia is my future! He insists. So get out, past lover, get out! They bicker a bit before Elena actually leaves, and Ana is surprised that they actually sound like old friends. Like Christian insists. But Ana is confused, and stands there, rusty brain-gears grinding, trying to figure it out. You’re sooo close Ana. Just a little farther.

Elena leaves, and Ana ‘scampers’ to bed so Christian doesn’t know she listened to the conversation.

Christian comes to bed and Ana tells Christian that she loathes Elena. She insists that Christian has no other friend because Elena has kept him away from all other people. The way you are doing right now Ana? I guess you’d know.

Christian ramps up the anger train again – it is pretty annoying that he has to tell Ana time and time again that they are just friends. Then he breaks down and tells her it’s all very confusing because he has never had to justify himself to anyone or learned that his actions have consequences.

Wat?

Since Christian never had a future with anyone, he never had to justify his past…Wahhhhhhh!!! Oh Christian! Let me call the Waaambulance!

That’s Ok, Ana says. I am totally sooo not jealous. And that’s totally not bullshit. Even Ana isn’t sure this is true.

They spend a long boring time trying to figure out just how gross and exploitive Christian’s relationship with Elena was or wasn’t. I’m bored. Let’s look at kittens.

After going around in circles for paragraph after paragraph Christian declares, “I’m really bored of this subject.” Me too! Thank God we’re in agreement. Let’s never speak of evil ex number one again.

Christian turns the subject to Ana’s new car which has arrived a day early. Ana excitedly asks if she can drive it. No, Christian tells her, Absolutely not. Then they fight over that until Christian gets mad and leaves.

Ana groans theatrically about how they can never have a normal conversation. The fact that they are both Extreme Drama Queens doesn’t occur to her. What does occur to her is just as disturbing. She wants to bring Christian a cup of…something…to make him feel better, but she doesn’t know if he likes tea or coffee. In fact she has no idea about his likes or dislikes as a general rule.

You just moved in with this guy Ana. Don’t you think these are the sort of things you would want to know?

Ana changes into her jim jams and gets totally dazzled by the Richie richness of the clothes Christian buys. Shiny! They all fit perfectly and flatter her figure even though the personal shopper bought them without any knowledge of Ana. Unrealistic!

Ana wanders off to the Beauty and the Beast Memorial Library to find a book to read. She decides she ought to be able to take more pain for the man she loves. That’s what all good relationships are about, at the core. Moar pain! And the taking of it.

As always, she reads one sentence and falls fast asleep.

Ana wakes in the middle of the night to Christian’s expert piano playing. His expert, middle of the night super-emo piano playing. Ana is surprised. “Why does this always take me by surprise?” Ana asks herself. Well honey, it’s because you’re dumb.

Ana and Christian make kissy-face and Christian asks why do they fight? Why, oh why!?

Well, let me explain. You are both Drama Queens. Really that explains sooo much .

Ana says it’s because they are just getting to know each other, and Christian is stubborn. Yeah. That’s pretty normal. Normal couples always have an overdramatic fighting phase right at the beginning. It’s how you tell they are in love. It’s like they are still in grade school. I know Christian loves me because he put a frog in my lunch bag, and pulled my pigtail.

They make out at the piano, and though she manages to use the word clitoris just a sentence or two farther on, Ana is still calling her genitals a “there.” It’s OK Ana, just show us on the doll where he touched you.

Then they get bizzay on the piano. Okay, do pianos have weight limits? I mean can you just fuck on a piano like that without it breaking? Are pianos tested for that? If I wrote this book the piano would totally break and they’d tumble to the floor in a tangle of piano wire, overpriced fruitwood splinters and bruised limbs. Because seriously. That’s baloney.

We fade to black for the sex, because apparently we’ve all seen enough.

Afterwards Ana decides its high time to find out what Christian likes. It turns out that he is too fancy for both tea and coffee – he drinks wine. Just Google “most expensive wine” I’m pretty sure he drinks that.

Then it’s the next day! Presumably they slept on the piano, because we aren’t told any different. Ana asks about Christian’s nightmares, the ones he doesn’t have now that they are together, because Ana has cured his PTSD with her goody goodness! Here’s an actual quote from the book:

“Do you wake up crying and screaming?” I try vainly to joke.

Ok, that’s not even dumb. That’s just plain mean. What the hell is wrong with Ana? How could that ever be appropriate after the huge deal we’ve made about Christian’s uber traumatic childhood? Honestly, Ana is written with all the worldly good sense and impulse control of a six year old. Oddly, Christian isn’t infuriated by this, he’s confused.

Ana quizzes him about his childhood, and Christian continues to be thoroughly confused by it. Ana says, “he gazes at me as if I don’t understand the elementary math of two plus two.” Because you don’t. He says his adoptive mother ‘saved him’ and Ana asks how? By adopting him you moron. The ‘Ana is dumb’ jokes get really old but she just never stops being totally dumb.

You just blow in from stupid town?

Christian lightens the mood by making some innuendos and Ana is scandalised. Scandalised! They have sex again, but who can be bothered to describe all that boring sex when we could skip straight ahead to what they are eating for breakfast?

They fight a bit more and Christian drops Ana off at work. On the way, Christian gets a phone call from Elena telling him that the ransom note was just a prank from her sub, Isaac.

Great! That’s great, but here’s where they lost me. He snaps his Blackberry shut. Is that a thing Blackberries ever did?

I had to look that up. Blackberry only ever made 2 clamshells, that last being the Blackberry Style, which launched in 2010 – late enough considering this book was published in 2011. It came preloaded with MySpace (remember MySpace? Me neither. Who the fuck was using My Space in 2010?) and cost under $200 dollars. So while it’s technically possible Christian was rocking Blackberry’s last-gasp economy clamshell, I still doubt it. You’d think Richie Rich could afford a higher end phone…

Ana gets to work and is accosted by her lecherous boss who compliments her on her dress. The lecher! And sends her for a coffee. The slave driver! Ana does two whole things before launching into an ex tended gossip section with Claire from Reception. Claire has just arrived from 1957, and tells Ana that her boyfriend is soooo dreamy.

His eyes are so dreamy!

When she eventually wanders back to her office, Ana is stunned that her boss actually wanted his coffee while it was still hot. She whines internally that it always takes her that long to get his coffee. Evil boss piles on the work and Ana proceeds to email Christian instead of doing any of it. The emails are, basically, an extended game of “No, you hang up.” and are just as gripping to be subjected to.

Ana gets sent after her boss’s lunch again but this time she is escorted by Christian’s crack security guy, Sawyer. He tells Ana they haven’t heard anything from crazy ex number 2. It’s all good, no need to worry.

Ana’s boss comes back and asks for coffee a little too sexfully for Ana’s liking and Ana goes right back to emailing Christian instead. Kate’s brother shows up looking for the keys to her apartment, the one she shares with Kate, and Claire from reception tells us how dreamy he is too.

Apparently Claire is an android, and can only say one thing.

But whatever, work is finally, mercifully over and Ana and Christian head off to pick up Kate’s brother for dinner. My first thought was Oh God, do I have to sit through Christian being jealous of yet another guy who Ana has ZERO feelings for? Fucking sweet.

KEEP CALM AND SHOOT ME NOW Poster

But fate has other plans for our crappy couple.

Christian waits in the car while Ana heads into her apartment totally without an escort of any kind. Because suddenly security is no longer an issue. Ana is buzzed in and is happy to see that Kate’s brother left the door open for her. Yes. She is that stupid.

Once inside of course it isn’t Kate’s brother at all! It’s crazy ex number 2. With a gun. Oh please God shoot her please! Put her out of my misery! I’m so excited! But the chapter ends here and I have to wait until next time to find out what lame plot device they use to escape the clutches of evil ex number 2.

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