Chapter 16 of Fifty Shades Darker: Holy Mixed Messages Batman!

Oh chapter 16, you are such a fickle bitch. Chapter 15 left us pretty sure that Ana was trapped in the break room and about to be raped. But it turns out the Leering Satyr Boss doesn’t have rape on his mind, but rather something even better. Blackmail.

You will be very proud of Ana – she never once offers her boss tea, even though this is the break room and it is probably readily available. She tells him if he wants to air his grievances, they should take it to HR. Jack complains that Ana has been a bad employee, and that he had to fight with HR to hire her, and so Ana ought to repay him…some other way.

Still in full-on cartoon-villain mode he asks, “is it your boyfriend who’s leading you astray?”

He then implies that Ana is a corporate spy, sent by Christian Grey for…some…reason that I can’t even imagine. Seriously, Ana is the Inspector Gadget of the trashy romance world, sans awesome cybernetic implants. Can you even imagine her doing any spying?

Boss Jack reveals that he has been reading Ana’s emails and knows that Christian somehow put the kaibosh on his little rapey trip to New York. Remember those emails that Ana sent every single day of work? And that Christian told her to send from her personal phone? I may or may not have mentioned that; it didn’t seem important.

He demands to know what Christian has done to interfere. Here’s where they lose me. He knows that Christian is richer than God; he knows that Christian has been pulling strings in the company. He doesn’t yet know that Christian owns the company yet. He does know that Ana and Christian are dating. But he still thinks it is a good idea to try and blackmail Ana. His deal – “keep him happy,” which Ana interprets as meaning sex, and Jack will not reveal to the world that Christian is using his influence to, er, influence the company.

This would have been more enjoyable if there was anything at stake here. We know that Christian owns the company, and Ana knows it too. So the whole blackmail thing is a non-starter. There’s a small bit of tension as Jack menaces Ana into a corner and gets all rapey again. But it’s over quickly as Ana tells us that self-defence is one of the many arts that her stepfather Ray has taught her.

Ana describes her anxiety level as being at DEFCON 1, a very unapt description that we’ve heard before. I want to point out that DEFCON 1 is a full nuclear exchange – if you are at that stage, then it is already too late. There’s no defensive move you have left.
Ana breaks his finger and knees him in the goody bag before fleeing the building.

“Arrgh!” he yells; the same sound that Ana makes when she has an orgasm, oddly enough. As he rolls around on the floor I fully expect him to cry, “Curses! Foiled again!” But as usual, I’m disappointed. So much disappointment.

Ana runs out of the building and collapses. Christian and Taylor (always absent when it counts) rush over and when Ana manages to communicate what happened, they rush into the building. They are gone for a long time, eventually returning with Jack who is carrying a cardboard box. They trundle Jack into a cab NOT a police car, which seems pretty irresponsible considering what just happened. Perhaps they are taking him away to be quietly wiped out?

And then the metaphorical shit hits the rhetorical fan. Christian is furious. At Ana. This is all her fault for sending all her emails on her work account and not her Blackberry. Christian calls his personal IT guy to wipe all the emails and anything else he might find from the company records.

Christian gives her the silent treatment as they drive home, and Ana thinks, “how childish.” She is pissed because now there is going to be a fight when they get home.

When they get back to Escala everything is solved by the Magic Sex Elevator and its sexy, sexy force field. Christian’s anger is tempered down to whining between makeout sessions. He chastises Ana again about the Blackberry thing, and then sort of…forgets…to be angry. Christian goes off to finish some business, which I assume means deciding where to dump the body.

Ana, left to her own devices, has a glass of wine and sits around bemoaning her ‘interesting’ life. When Christian returns they slide effortlessly into supper and an uber awkward conversation about José. Remember all that shit that just happened? The blackmail? The almost-maybe rape? They don’t talk about that. Remember yesterday? With the shooty-shooty? They don’t talk about that either.

These two have their priorities straight. They talk about Jose and how Ana wants to go out for drinks with him and bring him home to Christian’s house for the night. Christian of course is jealous and angry. He doesn’t want her talking to any men. That’s OK because Ana doesn’t want Christian to talk to any women either. So it works out. In crazy world. I guess.

Ana is…well Ana never! She tells Christian she doesn’t like his friends (*cough* Elena *cough*) but she never complains about him seeing them. In fact Ana complains all the goddamn time about Christian seeing Elena. Christian is still pissed but he allows Ana to see Jose. Ana gets up from the table in case Christian feels like hitting her. She suspects that he might. Christian gives her a ‘crushing’ hug and Ana tells us she feels ‘safe.’ Mixed messages again. How safe can you feel when you thought he was going to hit you 25 words ago?

Christian has more ‘work’ to do and off he goes. Those bodies just don’t bury themselves I guess. Ana heads straight for the Red Room of Pain and starts rummaging through Christian’s stuff. She tells us that the room is usually locked up tight, so it’s pretty clear that this isn’t the first time she’s tried to get in.

Being the top level secret agent type that she is, Ana is caught almost immediately by Christian. I say caught because Ana considers it trespassing, but Christian doesn’t seem to care. She points out that he *is* always mad at her for some imagined slight, so it was a good bet that he’d be mad about this.

Christian demonstrates all his various implements, and explains what they are for. Ana is surprised that Christian buys a new set of toys for each submissive. So I guess she just assumed they were all using the same ones? Gross.

Talk turns to trust and control and both reveal that they feel helpless around each other. Healthy. I can see how this could be the foundation for a solid, lasting relationship. Apparently this is all sooper hawt, as Ana asks for a proper demonstration of one of the more pedestrian implements – the spreader bar. Christian agrees, but only on the condition that it doesn’t happen here. The Red Room is only for filthy sinners.

They head up the bedroom. On the way Christian asks if Ana wants to fuck on the stairs. She says yes, but he says no. Why did you fucking ask if you were just going to refuse? They do make it upstairs to the bedroom, where Ana uses her magical, no practice ever, fellatio skillz. Then there’s some…awkwardness. She says, “he comes, loudly and wetly, into my mouth.” I’m sorry, I know what they were getting at here, but it reads like somehow his penis made a whooshy firehose type sound. Or maybe it’s like a fog horn? I don’t know. In any case it’s loud.

Then Ana gets shackeled to the bar and they Get. It. On. Christian is amazed that Ana is wet. Sigh. That’s pretty normal. It’s like they don’t understand how sex works. Somebody doesn’t.

After it’s all done, Ana drifts off to sleep imagining Christian as a boy, ‘smiling shyly’ at her. Yeah. That’s not creepy. At. All. But it is the end of the chapter, all praise to the FSM.


Fifty Shades Movie News: Sex Scenes Not Hot Enough

The Fifty Shades movie is being released in just four months. I bet you’re counting the days. Despite the looming deadline, rumour has it that certain scenes are being re-shot because they aren’t hot enough. Apparently there is no chemistry between the two lead actors, and one insider is even using the word ‘dishrag’ to refer to Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele). Ouch.

Dig the chemistry:

Oh God, I'm so...bored.
Oh God, I’m so…bored.

The official Universal response is that, “No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.” Yes. Never, ever question them. Because if we start asking questions who knows what will happen.

Source: Daily Mail (via The Mary Sue)

Chapter 15: Anastasia Steele and the Severe Work-Slacking

Back in Chapter 14 our characters finally got up from the kitchen floor, only to collapse in a crying heap in the bathroom. They cry and cling together on the floor until they both get bored and go to bed. Fucking finally, this day is over.

But wait! Ana wakes up thirsty and hung over at 3 am. Ok, so last chapter Ana and Christian were fighting in the kitchen at 11:30 pm. Sometime shortly after this Ana flees to the bathroom and cries. Christian follows and they, “sit like this forever.” I’m assuming that means a long time. So when Ana wakes up at 3 am, she’s had, what? 25 minutes of sleep?

Does a hangover come on that quickly? I don’t even know anymore. This story is sucking the logic out of my head! Ana goes and gets some orange juice and Advil brand headache remedy ™. Her headache is gone “immediately.” That is some magical fucking Advil. Pass some this way Ana.

Ana looks out the window and thinks about how much she has to think about. And how little brain power she has to do it with. She shakes her head, and takes a deep cleansing breath and gives up on this thinking business because thinking is hard.

Anyway it’s good that Ana’s hangover is gone because she heads back to bed to hear Christian having a screaming night terror.
Ana can feel his fear. They kiss, and then Ana can apparently feel that too. “Desire sweeps through him…” she says. Really? Ana seems like the wrong kind of narrator to be making those sorts of observations. She says it prompts the, “same familiar reaction.” Just how familiar can it be, they’ve only known each other for a few weeks?

Our crappy couple proceeds to get it on )while crying of course). Ana briefly gets freaked out thinking about how she looks like Christian’s mother and refuses to go any further. Christian whines and begs until Ana changes her mind. Christian reminds Ana that she doesn’t have to proceed (even though he just got done begging).

“Don’t give me a chance to think, Christian.”

Yeah. Nobody really has time to wait for Ana to think anyway. I mean, we only live 120 years max. But HOLY MIXED MESSAGES BATMAN. Ana has been bitching about needing time to think, and ‘process’ the whole situation.

Christian tells Ana AGAIN that she is going to ‘unman’ him. Like, more than the crying? What does that even mean? I don’t even know what he’s getting at.

“Whoa.” Ana thinks.

Bill and Ted woah

All we are is dust in the wind, dude. Dust. Wind. Dude.

Then they are crying and fucking and ‘onward and upward’-ing, and just before the main event, Christian tells Ana to let go. And she says no. No. They actually argue briefly about whether Ana will or will not have an orgasm. It’s weird. And wrong. But it doesn’t matter because eventually Ana explodes. Kaboom!

Explosion Gif

So I guess we don’t have to deal with her anymore.

Sigh. Not really.

Christian gets all clingy and weird. He promises Ana love and marriage and children and anything else she wants. What Ana wants is to talk to his therapist. Not for her own issues, but to get the 411 on Christian. Christian is in super cling-on mode and agrees. Ana reassures him again that she isn’t leaving, and then has him describe his nightmares, which revolve around finding his birth mother dead, and having her pimp butt out cigarettes on his chest. We’re supposed to feel sorry for the poor guy, but since his character is in no way likeable my heartstrings totally fail to be tugged.

They finally go back to sleep and wake up 15 minutes before Ana needs to be at work. Christian wheedles and cajoles but she refuses to stay home with him. He pours on the charm, and Ana describes his smile as ‘full HD IMAX.’ So…it’s 16 metres tall and 22 metres wide? That’s a serious problem. No wonder he has such a huge penthouse. He needs it to fit his freakishly large face.

Ana waltzes into work ‘only’ 15 minutes late. Her boss, Jack, so recently cock-blocked is feeling pretty cranky. He snaps at her for being late, and suggests that maybe she ought to do some work for once.

What’s his problem? Ana wonders. She actually wonders that. We’re supposed to think it’s because she won’t date him, but given Ana is telling the story and she’s a little, well…‘you know’ in the head, I think he’s mad because she is a terrible employee.

Ana is aghast that Jack expects her to transcribe a letter. A whole letter! And his handwriting is sooo hard to read! Ana heads back to her desk and spends the morning emailing Christian, talking on the phone to Jose, and daydreaming. Honestly. I swear. To. God.

Jack sneaks up behind her and asks where his letter is. Not done, that’s for sure. Ana’s got better things to do. Jack isn’t impressed.

“What is eating him? Ana wonders.

Ana whips off the letter and has the unmitigated gall to be upset when Jack tells her it is full of mistakes and needs to be done over.

“Holy fuck. He’s being unbearable.” Ana thinks to herself. Yeah sweetie, it’s totally him. Keep telling yourself that. She briefly wonders if her boss has a personality disorder. That’s how clueless she is.

Back at her desk, she talks on the phone to Ethan, who later comes to the office and hangs out for a while. She insults her boss, and then realises he is watching her. Smooooth. Leering Boss an sends her for his lunch and Ana exchanges even more emails with Christian. To which I ask, who the hell even emails anymore?

Email is for old people

Christian emails to tell Ana to call him because it has been ever so long since she last wrote. No really. She calls him to say she is not, in fact, dead and they play an extended game of “You hang up. No, you hang up.”

Ana’s boss is as thrilled as you would imagine, and Ana has the cluelessness to ask him if she has done anything to offend him. He tells her that he’s in no mood to talk about it and sends her off in hopes that maybe she’ll do even one bit of actual work.

Instead of work Ana heads out to lunch! At the coffee shop across the street she has an extensive think about Christian and just how broken he is. She has a revelation – “it strikes me like a thunderbolt,” she claims. What Christian really needs is unconditional love. Like every-fucking-one else. Sigh. She starts crying, and reassures herself that Christian isn’t totally busted, he just needs to learn the “little things” like “boundaries” and “empathy.”

Those are the little things?! Then what the flying fuck are the big ones? If Christian hasn’t managed to pick up empathy by this time, he is not going to. Don’t forget Christian was raised by awesome rich parents from age 3 onwards. If they couldn’t foster any empathy, then empathy ain’t happenin’.

All this thinking takes a lot of time, and it makes Ana late getting back from lunch. You know, as much as she says she wants to work, she seems to be trying really hard to get fired. Back at work, she lies to her boss about being downstairs photocopying. He makes her stay late, in the vain hope that she’ll do some work.

She sticks her tongue out at him and talks on the phone to Mia (Christian’s sister) who invites her to a birthday party for Christian. Ana realises that she had no idea of even this basic fact. She knows little or nothing about this man she just moved in with. To remedy this fact she emails Christian until the last page of this chapter.

She claims to have gotten all her work done by six fifteen (fifteen minutes before quitting time). Phew! Just in time! Now angry boss man will be normal and happy again, right?

To celebrate she heads to the break room for cookies. Evil Satyr Boss follows her, saying, “At last I have you on your own.” And then he licks his lips. And laughs his evil laugh. And twirls his villain moustache.

And that’s where we leave Ana – with her hand in the cookie jar, possibly about to get raped. Is there any real suspense? No. I don’t believe for one second that Christian won’t come charging in at the last moment to save the day. But maybe it’ll be Taylor. Or maybe the building will explode and everyone will be put out of my misery. Which will it be? We’ll see next time in chapter 16. I guess. Maybe.

All Aboard the Feel Train to Emo Station in Chapter 14 of 50 Shades Darker

This chapter proves that there really are no brakes on the Feel Train. There aren’t even any events in chapter 14: our two main characters spend the whole time lying on the kitchen floor emoting at each other.

No really.

At one point they do stand up, and even eat some mac and cheese, but that’s about it. Gripping, unputdownable, page turning action. And for all the lying on the floor that goes on, they do not once even hint at having sex.

In chapter 13, we left Christian on his knees with Ana looming over him like some kind of…person…who looms over other people. She’s gripped by a sense of ‘doom’ and wrongness about the whole situation. It’s only occurred to you right now that there might be something the least bit, I don’t know, off about your relationship? Get this woman an oversized magnifying glass and a pipe, she’s a goddamned detective.

Ana has a montage of Leila, and Elena, and Christian as a young boy. All that thinking wears her out and she sinks to the floor beside Christian. She misses the dominant Christian, and muses that the very thought of dominating Christian is “nauseating.”

Most things about this story are nauseating, so, yeah. I’m with you there.

Ana decides she will have to fight to get her man back. From the floor, I guess. Because he hasn’t gone anywhere. Then there’s a whole lot of feeling feelings at each other. Christian has turned into a limp fish, and Ana alternately cries and harangues him about just how much she loves him, and how she is never going to leave, and how he never gives her time to just think about anything.

Ana pours out her insecurities all over the place. Why do you love me? You’re so caring and perfect, and on a totally made up pedestal? And I’m stupid and useless…Well OK, She does have a point there.

Apparently Ana’s montage is contagious because Christian stares off into the distance not answering. Ana gazes and snaps, and beseeches and begs until Christian finally answers.

emo kid meme part funnyjunk funny pictures

“I was so scared.” He whispers.

Sweet baby Jesus in his high chair! This couldn’t be much more emo. Even Ana’s subconscious can’t handle it and pulls out her flask of gin as Christian starts in with the gripping story of what happened at Ana’s apartment. With the shooty-shooty? You remember, right?

“I died a thousand deaths…” Christian whispers.

Ah God, seriously? Who says this stuff? No one, that’s who. And for some reason we’re all whispering now…why are we whispering? Shhhhhh…the bad people will hear you.

As Christian tells his story about running into the apartment and seeing Leila with the gun it occurs to Ana just now, for the very first time, that Christian was trying to protect her by ordering Leila to stop and getting Ana out of there. So she didn’t, you know, get shot and stuff. Just now. She juuuust figured that out. Right now.

Have I ever mentioned that Ana is dumb? I feel like I haven’t mentioned that yet. In any case, she’s dumb.

By the end of the story Christian has worked himself into a lather (an angry lather, not the fun sexy kind) and Ana is glad (glad!) to see her man back. Sooo…she wants him good and angry all the time? Fun! Healthy! She’s all like, Phew! I thought I broke you.
And then he says (I swear to God he does) “Just the opposite…You’re my lifeline.”

Oh Barf. You have fixed me with your goody goodness, oh good and virginal virgin! Then Christian dramatically allows Ana to feel up all his scars, the ones in the ‘no go’ zone. So I’m wondering, are his servants still here? Are they being subjected to this shit show? Taylor is out looking for Ana, but what about Sawyer? And Mrs. Whats-her-name who does the cooking?

Ana unbuttons his shirt and feels up Christian’s chest. She’s hesitant and wonders if she should really do it, given how fuckin’ weird he was about it before. He uses his billionaire powers to read her mind and answers her question. He does that a lot. Then Christian’s mouth goes slack and he starts panting. Are they going to have sex?! Hahahahha no! Is he having a stroke! Oh wait no, it’s another montage.

They make kissy face for a bit but then Christian starts crying too. He has to reveal his SECRET. The one Ana has known was lurking there all the time (she mentioned it pretty frequently).

Christian likes to beat brunettes (sob) who look like Ana and Leila (sniffle) because they look like his mother. And he wants to punish her. But she’s dead, so that’d be you know, weird.

Ana flips the fuck out. She can never be what he wants because she doesn’t enjoy being beaten. Christian clenches his fists and declares to the heavens that of course she is always enough and exactly right! They waste the whole chapter talking past each other like this. They spend so much time feeling things at each other, neither one is listening to what the other is saying.

After Ana left him (for like two whole days) Christian’s entire world view changed. He no longer feels the compulsion to beat women! It’s OK. He’s good now. Ana is skeptical:

“How can your compulsion just go, Christian? Like I’m some kind of panacea, and you’re – for want of a better word – cured? I don’t get it.”

Well she *is* like some kind of plot-point reciting machine, so there’s that. She’s Plot Bot 4229. The revelation angers Ana and she snaps at Christian who gets all sad again. He begs her not to leave (which she isn’t) and then begs her to marry him.

You know, from the floor. They are still on the floor.

Ana laughs at him. Smooth. Ana tells him she can’t just answer like that, after all that happened tonight. It’s still gun lady night. Every day seems to last forever in this book.

They finally pull themselves together and get up off the goddamned floor. Ana insists she just wants to go to bed. But not like that you pervert! What kind of book do you think this is?! Christian insists that they eat. Ana marvels at Christian’s prowess in the kitchen as he microwaves leftover Mac and Cheese.

Ana is surprised that he eats “nursery food.” Wait. Adults don’t eat mac and cheese? Whatever. Everybody likes macaroni and cheese. Also, I don’t think an American has ever used the term “nursery food.” Ever.

They eat out of white bowls, because white is the colour of rich people. Ana whines that it’s already 11:30 (!) and she has to work in the morning. Christian tells her it’s too late anyway, she might as well stay home. That makes Ana angry again. She has to work Galldangit!

While they eat, Christian casually mentions that he gave Crazy Gun Lady Ex a bath and dressed her in Ana’s clothes. “I hope you don’t mind.” Hehehehehe. Ana was already crazy and jealous and emo, of course she won’t mind! She’s furious, absolutely livid! She throws her food in the garbage and stamps off to bed.

“It was all I could do, Ana,” Christian says softly as she stamps away. Sure buddy. Sure. You totally couldn’t have let the staff at the treatment facility do that.

Ana is livid. Did I say that already? She finally admits something that has been the elephant in the room for the whole book. Both books. Ana thinks, “This was a woman he had a very full-on, deviant sexual relationship with.”

So there you have it. BDSM is deviant. According to this book at least. And you all thought it was just harmless, consensual fun. Perverts. I mean, Ana has spent the whole book calling Mrs. Robinson a pedophile, but that was wayyyy more deserved. I hope all you deviant weirdos out there are just as insulted as I think you ought to be.

Ana tells Christian she’s had enough of his shit (in those words!) still, very slowly I guess, stamping away. Christian stares, wide-eyed, and Ana is glad she can shock him. She’s glad. The two times she has been glad in this chapter were when Christian was angry or shocked. Sweet lady, huh?

Ana never makes it to bed. Instead she heads to the bathroom for another bout of floor-crying. She calls herself a harridan for some reason that I don’t know what it is and sobs her little nutty heart out.
See what I mean? There are no brakes on the Feel Train. Choo Choo! That’s the whole damnable thing, readers. The whole thing. See you next time!

Chapter 13: Anastasia Steele and the Seriously WTF is Wrong with You?!

Chapter 13 is short, sweet and yet somehow still manages to pack in your full daily recommended intake of What the Fuck.

Reaction GIF: what the fuck?, Richard Riehle, Office Space

Last chapter we left Ana in her old apartment staring down the barrel of a gun. As Chapter 13 opens it turns out that Leila (ghost-girl-ex’s name) isn’t actually pointing the gun at Ana, just holding it limply and looking around vaguely.

Ana’s “subconscious” swoons and leaves her to deal with gun lady alone. Ana’s mind ‘goes into overdrive’ and she comes up with a brilliant emergency plan: make tea. She offers Leila a cup and goes about making tea as if everything is normal. She says that Leila looks at her like she’s an ‘exhibit in a freak show.’ It makes Ana mad, “Jeez, I’m not the freak here,” she thinks. Yeah, I’m not convinced.

She asks Leila if she’s alone, and if she needs some help, and most importantly, would she like some tea? Leila is confused by her questions (me too!) and just whispers the same thing over and over and mumbles to herself about ‘the Master’ like freakin’ Gollum. I mean, seriously, what does it have in its pocketses? Its nasssty…little…pocketsesssss.

Leila then starts repeating that the Master is a dark, dark man. We get it. He’s dark. Ana is aghast. He is not! She thinks, he has joined me in the light. Eugh. Could that have been any lamer? Nope. But the dark side has cookies, or so I’m told.

Ana doesn’t get anywhere with her offers of tea, and so finally after what seems like an eternity, she suggests that maybe Gollum, er, Leila ought to hand over the gun. But Leila would really rather just keep the gun, thanks, as she has people to shoot.

Finally, FINALLY Christian bursts in to the apartment having finally realised that there was a problem. Christian subdues Leila pretty quickly since Leila has forgotten that being a submissive is just for play time. Christian stares her down, and this is where the whole chapter goes full WTF.

Ana sees Leila and Christian together and can sense their connection. Remember the sexy force field from the elevator? Ana feels it right here in the apartment, but it isn’t aimed at her it’s aimed at Leila! Ana is shocked and horrified and jealous and any number of other stupid and totally uncalled for adjectives.

After the ordeal of nearly being shot by Christian’s crazy ex, Ana sensibly refuses to leave when she has the chance. Christian orders her to leave, and still she refuses to go. “Why?” she whispers at him.

When he glares back and orders her to leave again she gets confused and thinks, I think he’s trying to convey some kind of message. Yes! A message! All that air escaping through his throat is some kind of message. He’s telling you to get the fuck out! But Ana doesn’t leave. If this were a horror movie, Ana would be the first one to die.

Taylor, our head Keystone Rent-a-Cop has to carry her out the apartment to safety and she spends the entire rest of the chapter absolutely, 100% certain that Christian and Leila are getting it on up at her old place.

Seriously. Remember some ways back when Christian told her that Leila needed psychiatric help and not prison? I do. My first thought was that he was convincing or forcing her into a treatment program. And that is what in fact happens. What any reasonable person would think was happening. Buuuuuttttt…not Ana, she imagines them screwing in every depraved way possible.

Outside the apartment she meets up with Ethan, who was conveniently late and so never encountered Leila. Phewwww! Ana was so…oh wait, nope, Ana never really cared what happened to Ethan. Ana tells him what happened to her, because everything is about her. Ethan has a modicum of sense and tells Ana to call the police, but Ana says, “No, it’s not like that.” And for some reason, Ethan believes her. So instead of calling the police, they go out to a bar to get loaded. Plausible!

They go to the closest bar, which happens to be across the street, and proceed to get loaded at Ethan’s expense because Ana’s purse is in the car. Across the street. Oopsie! Ana tells Ethan the longer version of her story and convinces him that her boyfriend is sexing up his ex, who tried to kill her, in their apartment, as they speak.

Ana gets all sullen and emo, but keeps on drinking. She thinks how nice it is of Ethan to stay with her even though she isn’t much of a conversation partner. Well, honey, he has nowhere else to go. He’s staying at *your* place. Where the Christian Grey vs. The World evil ex intervention is going down. He has no choice.

As they emerge from the bar, our two super sleuths see Leila bundled into a car by Chrisitan’s personal therapist and a woman dressed in scrubs. Ana is heartbroken. She is confused and (seriously) has no idea what is going on. She can’t connect this turn of events to filthy filthy sex, so she doesn’t know what’s happening. She decides the best course of action is to continue drinking.

When she leaves the bar, Ana feels ‘fuzzy.’ Yer drunk ‘Arry! She doesn’t even know. After leaving Ethan to fend for himself (Ana left the key behind in the apartment) she stumbles back to Christian’s place drunk as a skunk. Turns out Christian and his crack security team had no idea where Ana was, even though they were sitting in the window of the bar directly across the street, and Taylor saw them go. Christian doesn’t understand where she has been, and Ana doesn’t understand why he’s angry. They are sooo perfect for each other, aren’t they. They can be endlessly mad and confused for no reason. They get into an epic fight over, essentially, nothing.



Christian demands to know if she is drunk, and Ana has no idea how he can tell. With his magic vampire, er…billionaire powers. It’s totally not because you stumbled in reeking of cheap booze and bad decisions.

Ana demands to know just what Christian and Leila were doing all that time. She is sure it was sex. Surprise of all surprises, it turns out that he has convinced her to check herself into a psychiatric hospital. Obviously. It’s obvious to the reader, and it should have been obvious to Ana. But sometimes it is convenient to the building of fakey drama for Ana to be dumb as a post.

But still Ana is not convinced. She FELT the sexy force field. Christian tells her, “This is not about you, Ana.” Oh baby, you just said the wrong thing to the wrong girl. Everything, EVERYTHING is about Ana.

Ana pulls out her trump card – Christian’s morbid fear of abandonment – and plays it by threatening to leave. He collapses in a big emo heap at her feet. And Ana is all, “Haw haw, now YOU are the submissive one.”

Well, thank all the gods there be, because that’s where it ends. I can only take so much of the head games, even fictional ones. I don’t even want to imagine the petty head games we have in store for next chapter. But I don’t have to imagine – because I’ll read it so you don’t have to.