Chapter 13: Anastasia Steele and the Seriously WTF is Wrong with You?!

Chapter 13 is short, sweet and yet somehow still manages to pack in your full daily recommended intake of What the Fuck.

Reaction GIF: what the fuck?, Richard Riehle, Office Space

Last chapter we left Ana in her old apartment staring down the barrel of a gun. As Chapter 13 opens it turns out that Leila (ghost-girl-ex’s name) isn’t actually pointing the gun at Ana, just holding it limply and looking around vaguely.

Ana’s “subconscious” swoons and leaves her to deal with gun lady alone. Ana’s mind ‘goes into overdrive’ and she comes up with a brilliant emergency plan: make tea. She offers Leila a cup and goes about making tea as if everything is normal. She says that Leila looks at her like she’s an ‘exhibit in a freak show.’ It makes Ana mad, “Jeez, I’m not the freak here,” she thinks. Yeah, I’m not convinced.

She asks Leila if she’s alone, and if she needs some help, and most importantly, would she like some tea? Leila is confused by her questions (me too!) and just whispers the same thing over and over and mumbles to herself about ‘the Master’ like freakin’ Gollum. I mean, seriously, what does it have in its pocketses? Its nasssty…little…pocketsesssss.

Leila then starts repeating that the Master is a dark, dark man. We get it. He’s dark. Ana is aghast. He is not! She thinks, he has joined me in the light. Eugh. Could that have been any lamer? Nope. But the dark side has cookies, or so I’m told.

Ana doesn’t get anywhere with her offers of tea, and so finally after what seems like an eternity, she suggests that maybe Gollum, er, Leila ought to hand over the gun. But Leila would really rather just keep the gun, thanks, as she has people to shoot.

Finally, FINALLY Christian bursts in to the apartment having finally realised that there was a problem. Christian subdues Leila pretty quickly since Leila has forgotten that being a submissive is just for play time. Christian stares her down, and this is where the whole chapter goes full WTF.

Ana sees Leila and Christian together and can sense their connection. Remember the sexy force field from the elevator? Ana feels it right here in the apartment, but it isn’t aimed at her it’s aimed at Leila! Ana is shocked and horrified and jealous and any number of other stupid and totally uncalled for adjectives.

After the ordeal of nearly being shot by Christian’s crazy ex, Ana sensibly refuses to leave when she has the chance. Christian orders her to leave, and still she refuses to go. “Why?” she whispers at him.

When he glares back and orders her to leave again she gets confused and thinks, I think he’s trying to convey some kind of message. Yes! A message! All that air escaping through his throat is some kind of message. He’s telling you to get the fuck out! But Ana doesn’t leave. If this were a horror movie, Ana would be the first one to die.

Taylor, our head Keystone Rent-a-Cop has to carry her out the apartment to safety and she spends the entire rest of the chapter absolutely, 100% certain that Christian and Leila are getting it on up at her old place.

Seriously. Remember some ways back when Christian told her that Leila needed psychiatric help and not prison? I do. My first thought was that he was convincing or forcing her into a treatment program. And that is what in fact happens. What any reasonable person would think was happening. Buuuuuttttt…not Ana, she imagines them screwing in every depraved way possible.

Outside the apartment she meets up with Ethan, who was conveniently late and so never encountered Leila. Phewwww! Ana was so…oh wait, nope, Ana never really cared what happened to Ethan. Ana tells him what happened to her, because everything is about her. Ethan has a modicum of sense and tells Ana to call the police, but Ana says, “No, it’s not like that.” And for some reason, Ethan believes her. So instead of calling the police, they go out to a bar to get loaded. Plausible!

They go to the closest bar, which happens to be across the street, and proceed to get loaded at Ethan’s expense because Ana’s purse is in the car. Across the street. Oopsie! Ana tells Ethan the longer version of her story and convinces him that her boyfriend is sexing up his ex, who tried to kill her, in their apartment, as they speak.

Ana gets all sullen and emo, but keeps on drinking. She thinks how nice it is of Ethan to stay with her even though she isn’t much of a conversation partner. Well, honey, he has nowhere else to go. He’s staying at *your* place. Where the Christian Grey vs. The World evil ex intervention is going down. He has no choice.

As they emerge from the bar, our two super sleuths see Leila bundled into a car by Chrisitan’s personal therapist and a woman dressed in scrubs. Ana is heartbroken. She is confused and (seriously) has no idea what is going on. She can’t connect this turn of events to filthy filthy sex, so she doesn’t know what’s happening. She decides the best course of action is to continue drinking.

When she leaves the bar, Ana feels ‘fuzzy.’ Yer drunk ‘Arry! She doesn’t even know. After leaving Ethan to fend for himself (Ana left the key behind in the apartment) she stumbles back to Christian’s place drunk as a skunk. Turns out Christian and his crack security team had no idea where Ana was, even though they were sitting in the window of the bar directly across the street, and Taylor saw them go. Christian doesn’t understand where she has been, and Ana doesn’t understand why he’s angry. They are sooo perfect for each other, aren’t they. They can be endlessly mad and confused for no reason. They get into an epic fight over, essentially, nothing.

 

 

Christian demands to know if she is drunk, and Ana has no idea how he can tell. With his magic vampire, er…billionaire powers. It’s totally not because you stumbled in reeking of cheap booze and bad decisions.

Ana demands to know just what Christian and Leila were doing all that time. She is sure it was sex. Surprise of all surprises, it turns out that he has convinced her to check herself into a psychiatric hospital. Obviously. It’s obvious to the reader, and it should have been obvious to Ana. But sometimes it is convenient to the building of fakey drama for Ana to be dumb as a post.

But still Ana is not convinced. She FELT the sexy force field. Christian tells her, “This is not about you, Ana.” Oh baby, you just said the wrong thing to the wrong girl. Everything, EVERYTHING is about Ana.

Ana pulls out her trump card – Christian’s morbid fear of abandonment – and plays it by threatening to leave. He collapses in a big emo heap at her feet. And Ana is all, “Haw haw, now YOU are the submissive one.”

Well, thank all the gods there be, because that’s where it ends. I can only take so much of the head games, even fictional ones. I don’t even want to imagine the petty head games we have in store for next chapter. But I don’t have to imagine – because I’ll read it so you don’t have to.

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