All Aboard the Feel Train to Emo Station in Chapter 14 of 50 Shades Darker

This chapter proves that there really are no brakes on the Feel Train. There aren’t even any events in chapter 14: our two main characters spend the whole time lying on the kitchen floor emoting at each other.

No really.

At one point they do stand up, and even eat some mac and cheese, but that’s about it. Gripping, unputdownable, page turning action. And for all the lying on the floor that goes on, they do not once even hint at having sex.

In chapter 13, we left Christian on his knees with Ana looming over him like some kind of…person…who looms over other people. She’s gripped by a sense of ‘doom’ and wrongness about the whole situation. It’s only occurred to you right now that there might be something the least bit, I don’t know, off about your relationship? Get this woman an oversized magnifying glass and a pipe, she’s a goddamned detective.

Ana has a montage of Leila, and Elena, and Christian as a young boy. All that thinking wears her out and she sinks to the floor beside Christian. She misses the dominant Christian, and muses that the very thought of dominating Christian is “nauseating.”

Most things about this story are nauseating, so, yeah. I’m with you there.

Ana decides she will have to fight to get her man back. From the floor, I guess. Because he hasn’t gone anywhere. Then there’s a whole lot of feeling feelings at each other. Christian has turned into a limp fish, and Ana alternately cries and harangues him about just how much she loves him, and how she is never going to leave, and how he never gives her time to just think about anything.

Ana pours out her insecurities all over the place. Why do you love me? You’re so caring and perfect, and on a totally made up pedestal? And I’m stupid and useless…Well OK, She does have a point there.

Apparently Ana’s montage is contagious because Christian stares off into the distance not answering. Ana gazes and snaps, and beseeches and begs until Christian finally answers.

emo kid meme part funnyjunk funny pictures

“I was so scared.” He whispers.

Sweet baby Jesus in his high chair! This couldn’t be much more emo. Even Ana’s subconscious can’t handle it and pulls out her flask of gin as Christian starts in with the gripping story of what happened at Ana’s apartment. With the shooty-shooty? You remember, right?

“I died a thousand deaths…” Christian whispers.

Ah God, seriously? Who says this stuff? No one, that’s who. And for some reason we’re all whispering now…why are we whispering? Shhhhhh…the bad people will hear you.

As Christian tells his story about running into the apartment and seeing Leila with the gun it occurs to Ana just now, for the very first time, that Christian was trying to protect her by ordering Leila to stop and getting Ana out of there. So she didn’t, you know, get shot and stuff. Just now. She juuuust figured that out. Right now.

Have I ever mentioned that Ana is dumb? I feel like I haven’t mentioned that yet. In any case, she’s dumb.

By the end of the story Christian has worked himself into a lather (an angry lather, not the fun sexy kind) and Ana is glad (glad!) to see her man back. Sooo…she wants him good and angry all the time? Fun! Healthy! She’s all like, Phew! I thought I broke you.
And then he says (I swear to God he does) “Just the opposite…You’re my lifeline.”

Oh Barf. You have fixed me with your goody goodness, oh good and virginal virgin! Then Christian dramatically allows Ana to feel up all his scars, the ones in the ‘no go’ zone. So I’m wondering, are his servants still here? Are they being subjected to this shit show? Taylor is out looking for Ana, but what about Sawyer? And Mrs. Whats-her-name who does the cooking?

Ana unbuttons his shirt and feels up Christian’s chest. She’s hesitant and wonders if she should really do it, given how fuckin’ weird he was about it before. He uses his billionaire powers to read her mind and answers her question. He does that a lot. Then Christian’s mouth goes slack and he starts panting. Are they going to have sex?! Hahahahha no! Is he having a stroke! Oh wait no, it’s another montage.

They make kissy face for a bit but then Christian starts crying too. He has to reveal his SECRET. The one Ana has known was lurking there all the time (she mentioned it pretty frequently).

Christian likes to beat brunettes (sob) who look like Ana and Leila (sniffle) because they look like his mother. And he wants to punish her. But she’s dead, so that’d be you know, weird.

Ana flips the fuck out. She can never be what he wants because she doesn’t enjoy being beaten. Christian clenches his fists and declares to the heavens that of course she is always enough and exactly right! They waste the whole chapter talking past each other like this. They spend so much time feeling things at each other, neither one is listening to what the other is saying.

After Ana left him (for like two whole days) Christian’s entire world view changed. He no longer feels the compulsion to beat women! It’s OK. He’s good now. Ana is skeptical:

“How can your compulsion just go, Christian? Like I’m some kind of panacea, and you’re – for want of a better word – cured? I don’t get it.”

Well she *is* like some kind of plot-point reciting machine, so there’s that. She’s Plot Bot 4229. The revelation angers Ana and she snaps at Christian who gets all sad again. He begs her not to leave (which she isn’t) and then begs her to marry him.

You know, from the floor. They are still on the floor.

Ana laughs at him. Smooth. Ana tells him she can’t just answer like that, after all that happened tonight. It’s still gun lady night. Every day seems to last forever in this book.

They finally pull themselves together and get up off the goddamned floor. Ana insists she just wants to go to bed. But not like that you pervert! What kind of book do you think this is?! Christian insists that they eat. Ana marvels at Christian’s prowess in the kitchen as he microwaves leftover Mac and Cheese.

Ana is surprised that he eats “nursery food.” Wait. Adults don’t eat mac and cheese? Whatever. Everybody likes macaroni and cheese. Also, I don’t think an American has ever used the term “nursery food.” Ever.

They eat out of white bowls, because white is the colour of rich people. Ana whines that it’s already 11:30 (!) and she has to work in the morning. Christian tells her it’s too late anyway, she might as well stay home. That makes Ana angry again. She has to work Galldangit!

While they eat, Christian casually mentions that he gave Crazy Gun Lady Ex a bath and dressed her in Ana’s clothes. “I hope you don’t mind.” Hehehehehe. Ana was already crazy and jealous and emo, of course she won’t mind! She’s furious, absolutely livid! She throws her food in the garbage and stamps off to bed.

“It was all I could do, Ana,” Christian says softly as she stamps away. Sure buddy. Sure. You totally couldn’t have let the staff at the treatment facility do that.

Ana is livid. Did I say that already? She finally admits something that has been the elephant in the room for the whole book. Both books. Ana thinks, “This was a woman he had a very full-on, deviant sexual relationship with.”

So there you have it. BDSM is deviant. According to this book at least. And you all thought it was just harmless, consensual fun. Perverts. I mean, Ana has spent the whole book calling Mrs. Robinson a pedophile, but that was wayyyy more deserved. I hope all you deviant weirdos out there are just as insulted as I think you ought to be.

Ana tells Christian she’s had enough of his shit (in those words!) still, very slowly I guess, stamping away. Christian stares, wide-eyed, and Ana is glad she can shock him. She’s glad. The two times she has been glad in this chapter were when Christian was angry or shocked. Sweet lady, huh?

Ana never makes it to bed. Instead she heads to the bathroom for another bout of floor-crying. She calls herself a harridan for some reason that I don’t know what it is and sobs her little nutty heart out.
See what I mean? There are no brakes on the Feel Train. Choo Choo! That’s the whole damnable thing, readers. The whole thing. See you next time!


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