Back in Chapter 14 our characters finally got up from the kitchen floor, only to collapse in a crying heap in the bathroom. They cry and cling together on the floor until they both get bored and go to bed. Fucking finally, this day is over.
But wait! Ana wakes up thirsty and hung over at 3 am. Ok, so last chapter Ana and Christian were fighting in the kitchen at 11:30 pm. Sometime shortly after this Ana flees to the bathroom and cries. Christian follows and they, “sit like this forever.” I’m assuming that means a long time. So when Ana wakes up at 3 am, she’s had, what? 25 minutes of sleep?
Does a hangover come on that quickly? I don’t even know anymore. This story is sucking the logic out of my head! Ana goes and gets some orange juice and Advil brand headache remedy ™. Her headache is gone “immediately.” That is some magical fucking Advil. Pass some this way Ana.
Ana looks out the window and thinks about how much she has to think about. And how little brain power she has to do it with. She shakes her head, and takes a deep cleansing breath and gives up on this thinking business because thinking is hard.
Anyway it’s good that Ana’s hangover is gone because she heads back to bed to hear Christian having a screaming night terror.
Ana can feel his fear. They kiss, and then Ana can apparently feel that too. “Desire sweeps through him…” she says. Really? Ana seems like the wrong kind of narrator to be making those sorts of observations. She says it prompts the, “same familiar reaction.” Just how familiar can it be, they’ve only known each other for a few weeks?
Our crappy couple proceeds to get it on )while crying of course). Ana briefly gets freaked out thinking about how she looks like Christian’s mother and refuses to go any further. Christian whines and begs until Ana changes her mind. Christian reminds Ana that she doesn’t have to proceed (even though he just got done begging).
“Don’t give me a chance to think, Christian.”
Yeah. Nobody really has time to wait for Ana to think anyway. I mean, we only live 120 years max. But HOLY MIXED MESSAGES BATMAN. Ana has been bitching about needing time to think, and ‘process’ the whole situation.
Christian tells Ana AGAIN that she is going to ‘unman’ him. Like, more than the crying? What does that even mean? I don’t even know what he’s getting at.
“Whoa.” Ana thinks.
All we are is dust in the wind, dude. Dust. Wind. Dude.
Then they are crying and fucking and ‘onward and upward’-ing, and just before the main event, Christian tells Ana to let go. And she says no. No. They actually argue briefly about whether Ana will or will not have an orgasm. It’s weird. And wrong. But it doesn’t matter because eventually Ana explodes. Kaboom!
So I guess we don’t have to deal with her anymore.
Sigh. Not really.
Christian gets all clingy and weird. He promises Ana love and marriage and children and anything else she wants. What Ana wants is to talk to his therapist. Not for her own issues, but to get the 411 on Christian. Christian is in super cling-on mode and agrees. Ana reassures him again that she isn’t leaving, and then has him describe his nightmares, which revolve around finding his birth mother dead, and having her pimp butt out cigarettes on his chest. We’re supposed to feel sorry for the poor guy, but since his character is in no way likeable my heartstrings totally fail to be tugged.
They finally go back to sleep and wake up 15 minutes before Ana needs to be at work. Christian wheedles and cajoles but she refuses to stay home with him. He pours on the charm, and Ana describes his smile as ‘full HD IMAX.’ So…it’s 16 metres tall and 22 metres wide? That’s a serious problem. No wonder he has such a huge penthouse. He needs it to fit his freakishly large face.
Ana waltzes into work ‘only’ 15 minutes late. Her boss, Jack, so recently cock-blocked is feeling pretty cranky. He snaps at her for being late, and suggests that maybe she ought to do some work for once.
What’s his problem? Ana wonders. She actually wonders that. We’re supposed to think it’s because she won’t date him, but given Ana is telling the story and she’s a little, well…‘you know’ in the head, I think he’s mad because she is a terrible employee.
Ana is aghast that Jack expects her to transcribe a letter. A whole letter! And his handwriting is sooo hard to read! Ana heads back to her desk and spends the morning emailing Christian, talking on the phone to Jose, and daydreaming. Honestly. I swear. To. God.
Jack sneaks up behind her and asks where his letter is. Not done, that’s for sure. Ana’s got better things to do. Jack isn’t impressed.
“What is eating him? Ana wonders.
Ana whips off the letter and has the unmitigated gall to be upset when Jack tells her it is full of mistakes and needs to be done over.
“Holy fuck. He’s being unbearable.” Ana thinks to herself. Yeah sweetie, it’s totally him. Keep telling yourself that. She briefly wonders if her boss has a personality disorder. That’s how clueless she is.
Back at her desk, she talks on the phone to Ethan, who later comes to the office and hangs out for a while. She insults her boss, and then realises he is watching her. Smooooth. Leering Boss an sends her for his lunch and Ana exchanges even more emails with Christian. To which I ask, who the hell even emails anymore?
Christian emails to tell Ana to call him because it has been ever so long since she last wrote. No really. She calls him to say she is not, in fact, dead and they play an extended game of “You hang up. No, you hang up.”
Ana’s boss is as thrilled as you would imagine, and Ana has the cluelessness to ask him if she has done anything to offend him. He tells her that he’s in no mood to talk about it and sends her off in hopes that maybe she’ll do even one bit of actual work.
Instead of work Ana heads out to lunch! At the coffee shop across the street she has an extensive think about Christian and just how broken he is. She has a revelation – “it strikes me like a thunderbolt,” she claims. What Christian really needs is unconditional love. Like every-fucking-one else. Sigh. She starts crying, and reassures herself that Christian isn’t totally busted, he just needs to learn the “little things” like “boundaries” and “empathy.”
Those are the little things?! Then what the flying fuck are the big ones? If Christian hasn’t managed to pick up empathy by this time, he is not going to. Don’t forget Christian was raised by awesome rich parents from age 3 onwards. If they couldn’t foster any empathy, then empathy ain’t happenin’.
All this thinking takes a lot of time, and it makes Ana late getting back from lunch. You know, as much as she says she wants to work, she seems to be trying really hard to get fired. Back at work, she lies to her boss about being downstairs photocopying. He makes her stay late, in the vain hope that she’ll do some work.
She sticks her tongue out at him and talks on the phone to Mia (Christian’s sister) who invites her to a birthday party for Christian. Ana realises that she had no idea of even this basic fact. She knows little or nothing about this man she just moved in with. To remedy this fact she emails Christian until the last page of this chapter.
She claims to have gotten all her work done by six fifteen (fifteen minutes before quitting time). Phew! Just in time! Now angry boss man will be normal and happy again, right?
To celebrate she heads to the break room for cookies. Evil Satyr Boss follows her, saying, “At last I have you on your own.” And then he licks his lips. And laughs his evil laugh. And twirls his villain moustache.
And that’s where we leave Ana – with her hand in the cookie jar, possibly about to get raped. Is there any real suspense? No. I don’t believe for one second that Christian won’t come charging in at the last moment to save the day. But maybe it’ll be Taylor. Or maybe the building will explode and everyone will be put out of my misery. Which will it be? We’ll see next time in chapter 16. I guess. Maybe.