Ana and Christian Join the 1/6 of a Mile High Club in Chapter 18 of Fifty Shades Darker

The surprise from last chapter is surprising in the sense that I didn’t expect it, but I also don’t particularly care, so there’s that. Christian takes Ana to see a beautiful but somewhat rundown house with huge grounds and a view of ‘the Sound.” My American geography is pretty lacking, but some part or other of the Pacific Ocean is clearly visible.

Ana doesn’t realise that they are there to look at real estate, so she is confused about whom they are here to visit. She is immediately jealous of the real estate agent for being beautiful and well dressed, but then decides that the real estate agent is in fact jealous of her, because she is dating Christian. All this before the agent can say one word.

Christian basically ignores the agent and takes Ana straight to a back window to admire the view. Ana claims that now Christian’s intentions are perfectly clear. Are they?

Ana is wonderstruck by all the beauteous beauty. Christian reveals that this could all be hers if only she would stop that infernal thinking and just marry him already. Ana is surprised; her mouth drops open. Yeah, apparently his intentions weren’t so clear. It slowly dawns on her that the lady they just met is the real estate agent, and not some rival for Christian’s affection.

Oh, and Christian would totally tear down this awful tacky house to build a futuristic green-washed house. This causes a minor tiff as Ana likes the house the way it is – broken down and dumpy. They are interrupted by the realtor who has the unmitigated gall to want to show them the house. Ana muses randomly about how much she hates horses, and and and oh my god this sucks!!!!!!

Sorry. I just had a moment there. Christian asks if Ana likes the house, and when she says yes, he gasps dramatically and they make out for a bit.

They head out to “The Mile High Club” for dinner. Apparently rich people enjoy crappy puns more than regular people do. The club is on the seventy-sixth floor of the Columbia Tower, so that’s roughly 822 feet. There are 5280 feet in a mile. So more like the One-Sixth of a Mile High Club.

Just sayin’.

In the car on the way there Ana asks if Christian will sell his penthouse to afford the house they just looked at. Christian practically facepalms at this, and tells her he can definitely afford both. Then Ana asks if he enjoys being rich, and he gives her the only appropriate type of answer – a sarcastic one. Christian then has to remind Ana about the reason they are going for dinner in the first place: her promotion. Ana had forgotten about that.

They flirt lamely at the bar while they wait for a table. Ana asks Christian if he is flirting with her. It is supposed to be cute and coy, but she asks so many times over the course of the book that I’m starting to wonder if she really doesn’t know. For fun, Christian tells her to take off her underwear while they eat, even though Christian doesn’t do anything in return.

Ana heads to the bathroom to strip off, and wonders why Christian affects her so. Well, it’s because you’re a poorly written Mary Sue, sweetie. Don’t feel bad, you couldn’t have known. Then we get a surreal paragraph about Ana’s inner goddess, involving feather boas and fuck-me shoes. I just. Don’t. Even. You know, I’m pretty sure they can medicate that.

Back at the table Christian has already ordered, because who cares what Ana wants to eat? They eat oysters, make lame flirty small talk, and then they eat sea bass, a food which Animal Crossing has totally ruined for me forever. At this point, I’m just feeling sorry for the poor waiter. I hope he is well paid.

Christian refuses to make out with Ana at the table, and this is even more super hotterer than actually making out. For some reason, Ana brings up the Non-Disclosure Agreement from the first book, and Christian tells her to throw it away.

Christian tells Ana, “I’m very glad you’re wearing a dress.” And then this happens:

The word bam is actually used here.

Ana fellates some asparagus, and then bites the tip off! She tells us Christian moans because that is so hot. I’m thinking that it’s a more different sound, for a more different reason. Bam, indeed.

They decide to go home and finger fuck in the elevator, with like a half dozen other people stuck along for the ride. Ana finds it sooper hawt that they can have sex so stealthily. “They have no idea what we’re up to.” Oh Ana, they know. They are just afraid to look back and see what’s going on. Then they’d have to stab there own eyes out. I mean, you guys aren’t being exactly quiet about it. Christian tells her not to come in the elevator because he needs that for later. Ummmm…okay. Female orgasms aren’t exactly a scarce resource, but whatever.

Back in the Saab, Christian asks her if she’d like to have sex in the car. Ana is delighted but Christian says no again. Why does he keep asking?! They get to the magic sex elevator and make out some more. Christian begs Ana to marry him, and Ana begs for more time to think about it. All these interactions seem like Bilbo playing riddles with Gollum, except with gross, barely credible sex.

They have sexy sex in the foyer, and Christian asks Ana to do something extra naughty – keep her eyes open during the sex. But, Ana can’t do that, it’s too naughty. Right about now, I’m realising that the BDSM part is me having to read this. That is some meta shit right there. Honestly, that’s about as out there as it gets in this book. That must be why boring middle aged women like it so much.

They have sex an undisclosed number of times but don’t bother describing any of them. And why should they? Pervert. Ana falls asleep imagining Christian as a boy again. It’s really grossing me out. Every time they have sex, she fantasises about Christian as a child. It’s just. Wrong.

Then it’s the next day and Ana gets ready for work. She thinks of a great idea for Christian’s birthday present (which is so secret she can’t even tell *us* what it is), but it definitely requires riffling through his underwear drawer. Things seem to be going along well for our crappy couple, so it’s time to introduce more Fakey Drama™. Ana finds a box full of pictures of Christian’s old subs, taken in the Red Room. Ana is shocked! Shocked and appalled! She finds the sexy fuck tie from book one (which she reveals is what she came for) takes it and hurries out.

Ana is so distraught that even the maid asks her what is wrong. She asks her for the key to the playroom, takes something that she can’t tell us what it is, and then heads to work. On the upside, Christian is already gone so he can’t forbid her to drive her car. On the drive in, she thinks about revealing her photo-finding secret instead of, you know, the road and driving on it. In the end she decides it’s better if Christian doesn’t know about her snooping.

Ana gets to work, and her days of diligent editor-ing are already over. It’s time to email Christian! Christian hints at all the places they could be having sex. Ana hints at her snooping expedition, even though she was not going to tell him. It’s a good thing she isn’t in charge of any national secrets. She would be like the worst spy ever.

Well, her first instincts were correct, and now Christian is all mad and refuses to answer her. She reminds him she is going for drinks with José, and he still doesn’t reply. Ana flips out and immediately starts phoning him. She gets the voicemail, which sounds clipped and angry. I’m not sure if Ana is projecting here or if he actually changed his voicemail to sound extra rude.

Well that leaves Ana with no other choice. “Reluctantly I continue my work.”

Employee of the year!

Ana’s phone rings and it still isn’t Christian. It’s Kate, the only relatively normal person in this story. Kate turns drinks with José into a college reunion by inviting herself and her brother along. José shows up at the office, and Claire, receptionist and refugee from 1957, buzzes Ana to tell her how dreamy he is.

Ana’s work day is finally over! She heads out to the bar, and José regales her with the story of how his first post-graduation art show paid off all his loans and left him with enough money to throw around. Credible! He throws in the obligatory insult about Christian, because apparently everyone Ana knows is a petty asshole.

Kate and Ethan show up, and José is immediately jealous of him too. Ana heads to the bathroom to text Christian, although I have no idea why she couldn’t just do it at the table. She gets back to the table and tells José that she is worried about Christian. And then like magic: the phone call.

It’s Christian’s brother Elliot, calling to say that Christian’s helicopter has disappeared. “Charlie Tango?” Ana whispers.

I almost get the feeling that Elliot ought to have specified that the helicopter AND Christian were missing. But who cares? Christian is dead! Maybe Ana can date somebody normal and healthy this time! I’m sure that’s what the next book is about, right? Right?!

Don’t ruin this for me.

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