I Join Team Asteroid-Death-From-Space in Chapter 20 of 50 Shades Darker

We have another short chapter and I count that as a win. A win for Team…umm. Not Team Ana or Team Christian. Team Cyborg-Asteroid-Death-From-Space maybe?

I don’t know anymore.

Sooo…last chapter Ana morphed into Scrooge McDuck and agreed to marry Christian in lieu of buying him a birthday present. It’s like Ana thought to herself, what’s the cheapest thing I can get? Oh wait, it’s me! Is that the cheapest shot I could take? Yeah, probably, but I stand by it.

This chapter opens with Christian being very surprised. Very, very surprised. He’s so surprised, in fact, that he forces Ana to state explicitly that she is hereby agreeing to marry him. You know, for the record.

They kiss and spin around like they are doing the Safety Dance. Ana reiterates that she thought Christian was dead. Oh well, who cares what Ana thought? Not Christian that’s for damn sure. He’s all of a sudden angry. Wait a minute, he realises, Ana gave him this surprise gift BEFORE they went to see Christian’s therapist. So that means he has been worrying all these days for no reason.

So he’s mad and then happy because “retribution is in order.” He means sex by the way. Sex is in order. Ana takes a step away from him. She’s pretty sure he is teasing but feels it’s necessary just in case he isn’t. It’s charming how Ana can never really be sure if Christian is going to hit her. And by charming I mean disturbing.

Christian hoists her over his shoulder and drags her squealing to the shower and drops her in with the cold water on full blast. Ana giggles like a mad hyena, and all this leads to another bout of weird creepy shower sex. Ana makes a huge show of washing Christian’s chest even though she knows he doesn’t like it, and he’s repeatedly asked her not to.

The main dynamic of this relationship seems to be stoically putting up with the annoying, even triggering, things your significant other does for the sake of not being alone, and also getting regular sex. Sure, I’m betting lots of real life relationships are exactly like this, but it sure isn’t my idea of an ideal fantasy. Why can’t they both actually like each other? And enjoy doing things that are mutually enjoyable? They don’t actually have any COMMON INTERESTS. I just don’t get it.

Wouldn’t a fantasy relationship involve meeting a person who actually likes the same things you do? Or introduces you to things you like even better? Because 50 Shades isn’t written that way.

Christian makes a show of washing Ana’s hair, and then Ana makes a show of washing Christian’s penis. Ana exclaims, “Oh yes! It’s so arousing.” That dialogue…it’s so…stilted. I’m fairly sure a person who talked like this would fail the Turing test. But! now they are both squeaky clean. Like Tupperware. They proceed to have eeky-squeaky shower sex, I soo hope the movie includes appropriate sound effects, because that’s how I imagined it.

Listen!

Ana takes time out from the sexy times to interact with her Inner Goddess personality and point out that  it…she?…is wearing Harlot Red lipstick. There’s just so much wrong with this passage. So every time they have sex, one of Ana’s personalities shows up dressed like a whore? Because harlot is just a mildly nicer word for whore. So she’s a whore for having sex with one partner ever, in a monogamous relationship? That’s just stupid. And honestly why do I care what her multiple personalities are wearing today?

They lay in the shower for god knows how long after the sex, because they are too lazy to even stand up. Eventually they get out after serious pruning starts to set in. Christian tells her she looks beat. And they make a whole beat = beaten “joke” that doesn’t manage to be even a little bit funny.

Christian finally admits that there was some serious danger happening in that whole helicopter fiasco and they get all emo for a while. Ana chides Christian for being too jealous of José and Ana being together to stop and call anyone after the crash, and Christian waves it off again.

They finally go to sleep, and the next morning Ana gets up early to make Christian breakfast in bed, even though he has a maid who does that, and Ana can’t cook. José is already up and makes the obligatory jokes about Ana marrying Christian because he’s rich. This brief interaction makes Christian’s douche sense go off and he comes out to act all possessive and strut around.

my douchebag senses are tingling

The menfolk then talk about their manly pursuits: fishin’ and huntin’ and killin’ things. After breakfast José leaves and Christian makes a huge deal about him wanting to get into Ana’s pants. Ana tells him to cut it out and he gets all defensive. He’s all, Whoa I don’t want to fight. Except that *he* brought it up out of nowhere to lord over Ana. So let’s just say I’m skeptical.

Ana gives Christian her second present. A wooden model helicopter with solar powered rotors. Christian is as excited as a five year old with a bag of candy. He is apparently lost in wonderment that the blades can spin all by themselves.

“Solar powered, he murmurs. “Wow.”

Then:

“Look at that,” he breathes, examining it closely. What we can already do with this technology.”

Yes. Sweetie. We can make pretty toys. I…I don’t even know. He doesn’t seem to be humouring Ana, but he is way too taken with something that mundane. The guy is supposedly an expert on alternative power sources so this shit ought to be quite old hat for him.

Then Dah Dah Dum! The third present!

Ana cryptically remarks that she isn’t sure whether the present is for her or him and Christian is predictably intrigued. Inside the box is a card asking Christian to do “rude things” to Ana. Honestly. Okay. Rude things, huh? You look really fat in that nightgown. And you’re kind of a bitch too. Also I’m going to make plans to meet you for dinner at eight and then not show up or even call. Rude enough?

Inside the box is the tie from waaaayyyy back in Book One when they used the Red Room that one time. You know, when Ana broke up with him because she didn’t like it? Well, it’s his birthday so she is going to damn well put up with it for him.

For some reason Christian is anxious, even though he’s the one who likes it. And Ana is eager to get it on even though she doesn’t like it. Ana ends the chapter thusly: “Finally!” My thoughts exactly, Ana. My thoughts exactly.

Finally!!!!!!!!

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