In Which I Realise that We Are Almost Done this Book

I am so thrilled that I’m almost done this book. It’s like realising the dentist has finished your root canal and you just have to rinse a couple of times before you can leave. So that’s awesome. Of note: this chapter also contains the single best line in the whole book, and the one before it even. It happens in the middle of something else of a highly WTF nature, so I want to mention it here so we can savour it in its full deliciousness.

“The penny drops and rattles uncomfortably around and around in my empty head.”

Just let that sink in for a while. She describes herself as having an empty head. She’s not even being self-deprecating. It’s written very matter of factly.

Yeah.

So we pick up chapter 21with Ana and Christian skipping off to the play room for some dirty filthy sex. Outside the door Christian asks Ana if she’s really sure. Yep, she’s sure. But she just wants him to know, for no particular reason, and definitely not because she was snooping through his stuff, that she doesn’t want him to take any pictures.

Christian frowns suspiciously, and Ana is briefly scared that she has outed herself. But it passes and they head inside for the sex. Just standing in the Sexy Room is enough to send them both into paroxysms of pleasure. Ana is literally already panting.

Ana tells us that her inner goddess has already stripped naked and is standing in line for the sex. In line? With who?!  Are there that many personalities? Are they all going to have sex separately?

Ana strips and Christian makes a big show of tying the tie around her neck like a leash.

“What shall we do with you now,” Christian asks.

I don’t know, but just fucking do it, this is getting irritating.

Christian’s eyes are once again described as ‘molten grey.’ What does that even mean? Like liquid mercury? I don’t think that’s what she’s getting at. I mean mercury is a liquid at room temperature so his eyes are warmed slightly with some kind of tepid desire?

Christian shocks Ana by suggesting that he’s going to put a finger in her anus, which Ana calls “there.” This is going to be one confusing sex scene if Ana continues to call all her parts “there.”

Christian selects some nipple clamps and points out some of the features. Ana is thoroughly confused and tells us. “I’ll never catch up.” No Ana, you won’t. You’re kinda dumb.

But her inner goddess seems to know what’s going on as she “scissor kicks” her way onto a table so they can get. It. On. Whatever “it” is. Christian cuffs and blindfolds Ana, who is busy marvelling at how sexy all this is. She wonders, totally unironically, if one can lust after one’s husband like this. They are going to be married after all. I’m beginning to think she was raised by a troop of monkeys in the jungle, because she doesn’t really know anything about human interactions.

Christian then surprises Ana by rubbing her down with some heavily scented massage oil. Hope she’s not allergic! They never ask each other anything, so who knows? Unfortunately for us, she doesn’t die, so we have to finish out this awful book.

The sex does in fact turn out to be a little confusing. They refer to every orifice as “there” so when Christian inserts what seems to be a vibrating butt plug (she calls it a plug, but it could just be a vibrator) I’m not 100% sure where it got inserted. Later Christian does in fact put a finger in her butthole, so I’m guessing the other thing must be in her vagina. Nothing says sexy like not quite knowing what is going on!

Ana describes her orgasm as falling down into a ravine. A wide, wide ravine. That’s straight from the book.

She is a bit looney toons…

Then they have sex on the bed, but they don’t bother describing it, so I assume breakfast is on the way. They make stilted pillow talk and then lapse into a cloying heart to heart. They fade to black for more sex, and then finally(!) some damn breakfast. They get up, and decide to have shower sex instead, but we skip that too, because dammit it’s time for breakfast!

Ana showcases her vaunted culinary skills by poaching salmon steaks with lemon (gasp!), boiling potatoes, and making a mystery salad. She then *emails* Christian to tell him lunch is ready. He’s in the frigging next room. Why would she not just walk to the door, or call out, or at least text for God’s sake?

Ana texts Kate, whom she’ll be seeing at Christian’s birthday party tonight. Kate tells her she’s looking forward to a looooooong chat. Geez, she means it – look at all those o’s.

Christian doesn’t come out for lunch, so Ana goes to get him. Christian mentions how much he likes Ana’s sundress, but then tells her she’d better not wear it out of the house because Ana isn’t allowed to look good in public. Ana gives him the big W.

To punish her for thinking about wearing her dress in public, Christian calls Ana’s father and tells him about their marriage plans, which Ana had wanted to do. Ana’s shocked and angry, but talks to Ray (her father figure) and convinces him it’s ll okay by telling him that Christian is her “happily ever after.” Apparently that’s all he needs to hear, because Ray starts crying and tells them to visit some time.

They finally eat, even though the food is probably cold and gelatinous by now. Over lunch the whole “I was snooping through your stuff and found your lewd photos” thing comes out. Christian assures Ana that it isn’t what she thinks. He didn’t take (and keep) those photos because it was sexy and he wanted mementos, NO! He did it for blackmail purposes. So that makes it all okay!

Well, I’m relieved. I thought for a moment he wanted a reminder of pleasent memories like some kind of gross pervert. But it was actually good, wholesome extortion. That’s just good sense!

Christian does mention in passing that the pictures were supposed to be in his safe, and Ghost-girl ( I forgot her name already) must have moved them when she broke in. No one seems worried about that.

They quickly change the subject to birthday cake, and how Ana is going to make one. Christian goes back to his study to “work” and Ana sneaks away to call her mom before Christian can do it.

She makes a big show of leaving the apartment in her sundress to piss Christian off. It works. Ana is thrilled that she can annoy her fiance so thoroughly. I’m no expert but I suspect that this kind of hijinks is going to get old FAST. Ana’s less fun personality, the one with Dumbledore glasses, berates her from inside her head.

Ana returns with birthday cake ingredients and our crappy couple has awesome, mind-boggling make-up sex. I assume, because we fade out *again*. We do, however, got a long loving description of the chocolate cake, so at least we get something.

At long last they head out to Christian’s surprise/not surprise birthday party at the Grey family manor. Carrick welcomes them warmly and everything seems great until Kate emerges from who knows where and freaks the fuck out.

She pulls Ana into another room, and waves a printed out email in Ana’s face. “What the fuck is this?” she demands. It turn out to be one of her private emails to Christian discussing “the contract.” Remember that?

Ana is aghast, and we end on that happy note. Next chapter I predict a 100% chance of pointless drama, with a 30% possibility of comedic misunderstanding clearing up later in the day.

 

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