Chapter 3 of 50 Shades Freed is So Fudged Up I’m Not Even Mad, I’m Amazed

We left off in chapter 3 with hickeys. Ana’s chestal area is covered in hickeys and she is mad as hell. But not just hickeys, also bruising welts on her wrists and ankles from the handcuffs. Ana wonders how she didn’t notice Christian doing this. Here’s her answer:

“Mr. Orgasmic was using his fine-motor sexing skills on me.”

Soooo…his penis has fine motor skills?

I’m not mad, but Ana is mad, whoa baby is she mad! In all the time they have been together, Christian has never given her a hickey. Well, of course not because you aren’t pimple faced teenagers. You would think. Apparently Christian is a vindictive baby. Ana knows that he has given her these hickeys to punish her for going topless.

Well, if he can be an immature dolt, then so can she! Ana stamps out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, and into the walk in closet. Ana decides that isn’t immature enough. When Christian tentatively asks if she is alright she throws a hairbrush at him. I guess you’d call that the tat for tit approach?

Chuggaaconroy by IndieTimber

Please forgive me, Oh Lord of Bad Punnery!

Ahem.

Ana decides to take the reasonable, grown up approach and storms out of the room, out onto the deck and off to the other end of the yacht. Eventually Christian follows her to see how mad she is.

Ana says, “On a scale of one to ten, I think I’m at fifty.”


Christian responds the way any mature adult would, by sneering that at least Ana will have to keep her top on now. Well, no. No she doesn’t. In fact wouldn’t it be nice if Ana went topless sunbathing and the paparazzi that they are so wary of took pictures of all the bruises? But of course Ana doesn’t think like that. Or at all.

She retorts that leaving marks is a hard limit. Well, if she is going to be that way, her going topless (at a topless beach) is a hard limit for Christian! And surprisingly, Ana thinks that is a good deal. But if she thought for a minute or ever at all it would be obvious that those aren’t the same thing. Ana’s hard limit is he can’t do a certain thing to her body i.e. leave marks. Christian’s hard limit is that Ana can’t decide what to wear or not wear.

But she doesn’t think. If she did, maybe she would compare them to the scars on his own chest, and suggest that marking other peoples chests, especially out of anger (and not because Ana wanted him to), is not OK. But this isn’t that kind of book. What kind of book is it? It’s the kind of book where Christian lamely apologises and then Ana scolds him.

“You are such an adolescent sometimes.”

Then as soon as the words are out of her mouth she remembers Dr. Flynn’s warning that Christian is emotionally stunted and that she just has to put up with it because he’s broken and ill and such a poor baby. And that makes it all A OK.

ok-flanders

However for good measure Ana reminds Christian that she is an expert at throwing and shooting, so he had better watch himself. Nice, so not only is Christian making threats, now Ana is too. This might be the healthiest relationship ever. They should teach this book in health class as the ideal relationship. Equality kids, the place where both people threaten to shoot each other!

So no one is angry anymore, and they waggle their eyebrows seductively for a bit, and then decide to eat gazpacho instead yadda yadda yadda. Then there is crème brulee which we are assured is ‘delicious.’ Wow, that description! I feel like I’m eating it myself.

By way of crappy small talk, Ana asks why Christian always braids her hair when they have sex. Have I mentioned it? Because he does. It’s such a small puff of swamp gas in a vast sucking bog of whatthefuckery that I may have missed it.

Christian answers blandly that it’s so her hair doesn’t catch on anything. Then suddenly he goes all emo and distant – he’s clearly having a montage. If this scene doesn’t lead to a montage of some hapless sub being accidently strung up by her hair and the subsequent scenes of hiding the body, then I will be a simian’s half aunt twice removed.

Ana quickly changes the subject and asks why she wasn’t allowed to pee before sex last night. Or today. I forget. Christian claims that having a full bladder makes orgasms more intense. Yeah, I’m skeptical about that claim, but whatever. Ana is so flustered by this answer that Christian changes the subject.

They finish their meal, dance for a bit and then yadda yadda through the makeup sex. Afterwards, Ana reflects on how much she loves sex with both Angry Christian and Sorry Christian. She can’t decide which one she likes better. She doesn’t mention Happy Christian. He sucks.

Ana follows Christian into the bathroom to watch him shave and suddenly we are having a flashback to that time when Ana shaved her vag but didn’t do a good enough job to satisfy Christian so he held her down and did it himself. Remember that? Good times.

Okay, he didn’t hold her down the whole time…he just nagged until he got his way and then let go. But still, he doesn’t have a good sense of “things that are not OK” and that this is one of them. And really, why is Ana still such a massive prude? At one point in the argument she tells Christian it is “wrong” for him to shave her. But Christian finds it hot so it happens anyway.

Then we are back in what passes for the present in this book where Ana is going to punish Christian for shaving her vag by shaving his…face. Goddammit! I demand my money back! I want some hot ballsack-shaving action and I want it now!

She never shaves him anyway – they kiss and Christian suggests they go ashore and pick out some art for the new house. Ana thinks about the new house and is consumed by jealousy when she remembers the architect that Christian hired to remodel the house is a woman. And the brazen whore has been talking to Christian! About the house! As if that were her job!

In fact, she is so mad that Christian notices. She distracts him by lying and saying she’s hungry because she knows how much he likes to force her to eat meals. I’m not sure if they actually eat, but they do go ashore and look at art galleries. Ana is disgusted by artsy pictures of disgusting nudes. Instead she picks out a five thousand euro picture of peppers.

They eat lunch, and on a full stomach Christian dramatically reveals that the REAL reason he likes to braid Ana’s hair is that he used to braid the crack whore’s hair. You know, when he was 3. Plausible. Ana thinks it is not only plausible, but positively adorable. She tells him he must really have loved his birth mother. Christian, of course, is furious. He tells her he doesn’t want to talk about ‘that shit.’ Except, you know, he brought it up. Ana was content to go with his ‘so it doesn’t catch on stuff’ answer. But somehow this is her fault.

This couldn’t get any more screwed up, right? Wrong. Oh God, sooooo wrong. While Christian steams silently, Ana reflects on how sooper hawt it is that Christian will never be over his abusive childhood. She is attracted not so much to his beauty, but to “his fragile, damaged soul.” That’s in there. Let me repeat that: she doesn’t want him to get better because being all busted is so hot.

Sweet Zombie Jesus! These two need to run far, far away from each other and never look back. But then it gets even worse. How, you ask? Well, Christian calms down a bit and notices the bruising on Ana’s wrists. He feels bad and feeling bad feels bad. So he buys Ana a thirty thousand euro cuff-style bracelet to hide it so he doesn’t have to feel bad anymore.

The last bit of the chapter is, I guess, supposed to be dramatic or suspenseful or something but it fails to be either. They drive back to the boat, and Christian gets a phone call telling him his server room has had a small fire. There isn’t much damage, and it was easily put out, but we are clearly supposed to think it is sabotage.

Will next chapter see the craptastic return of Half-Assed Avenger Jack? Will we forget about the incident entirely? Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. And neither should you.

Chapter 2 of 50 Shades Freed is Light on Time Travel but Heavy on Facepalm

The time stream has settled down somewhat since our trip through chapter 1. For a while there we were shooting back and forth in time like we were playing some kind of crazy Time Pong. But in chapter 2 we only jump back and forth a couple of times.

We left Asstian on a beach in Monaco at the very beginning of a huge fight. Christian is furious that Ana is sunbathing topless at a topless beach. The nerve! Ana is surprised that Christian is mad even though she took her top off specifically to piss him off. The unmitigated gall! So, you know, your normal healthy couple interactions.

Christian reminds Ana that his security team is getting a nice view of his own private booby stash. Not only has Taylor seen it, but she’s also given an eyeful to their two über French local security hires,

Phillipe(!)

 

and Gaston(!!!!)

See? I was right about that Beauty and the Beast thing earlier.

Christian further reminds Ana that they are now being pursued by paparazzi. Ana scrambles to get her clothes back on and Christian drags her back to the yacht that he has borrowed, because now Monaco is ruined forever. Ana is scared, really scared, because even Taylor is angry at her.

She begs Christian’s forgiveness as he stuffs her into a life jacket so they can take his jet ski back to the boat. She stops being scared long enough to be indignant that no one is wearing a life jacket except her. Apparently safety is for chumps and subs.

For some reason a crowd gathers to watch Christian take off on his jet ski. They don’t specify that these are paparazzi, it’s just kind of weird. The same thing happened back when Christian was parking his boat. Everything Christian does is fascinating – his magical billionaire powers always attract a crowd to whatever he does.

Back on the deck of the Fair Lady, Ana makes anxious small talk: she is worried Christian will want to punish her, and asks for some alcohol to make it more bearable. They smile slyly at each other. Christian explains that now that they are married, he never wants to hurt her again. Wellllll, in that case Ana is totally into being tied up and flogged.

Holy Hylian Shield, Batman! So many mixed messages.

Just for good measure, Christian berates Ana a little more for going topless, and reminds her that not only does it piss him off, it will also freak out her stepfather, Ray, when he sees her topless photos in the tabloids. Ana is actually factually sorry this time. She doesn’t give a flying fuck how Christian feels about the whole debacle (he’s just her husband after all) and her only concern here is about getting beaten. But, for some reason, she actually cares what Ray thinks.

Ana then marvels at how thirst quenching the gin and tonics are. Yes. Thirst quenching. Alcohol is known for its thirst quenching properties. Ana sighs and tells Christian she’ll never get used to the burdensome burdens of being super rich.

Awwww…poor baby.

Then Ana’s mind starts to wander and all of a sudden she’s in the past. She really needs to concentrate: unplanned time jumps are no laughing matter. Keeping the time stream unpolluted is even more burdensome than being super rich.

We find our crappy couple at breakfast at the Grey mansion and for whatever reason Christian gets into a screaming fight with his parents over making Ana sign a prenuptial agreement. Ana is horrified and embarrassed at the mere mention of a prenup, because as we’ve learned before, everything is about Ana and her feelings. Everything.

Christian insists that this is real love dammit! And no one in real actual love needs to sign a prenuptial agreement. Their love is as pure as the driven snow and will last forever! For a super business-savvy self-made billionaire, he doesn’t have a whole lot of, you know, common sense. And after berating his parents into submission, Christian is suddenly calm and genial again.

“Mom,” he says. “Can we have the wedding here?”

Then *zap* we’re back in the present.

Christian tells Ana to suck down her alcohol because they are “going to bed.”

And Ana, dear sweet, simple Ana. Ana doesn’t know what he is talking about. He has to explain it to her.

“I am going to make an example of you.”

Ummmm…to whom exactly? When you make an example of someone, that example is generally for other people to see. And no one else is going to see this. Well, I’m not one to nitpick, but that just doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Christian declares is going to punish Ana by not letting her pee before sex. Suuuuure buddy, I hope you like being peed on though. Oddly enough, this weird requirement never gets mentioned again. You’d think they’d make something of it, right? Well you’d be very very wrong. Pervert.

What he *does* do is blindfold Ana and make her select a safe word. Remember when he said people in love do not need safe words? Well forget that. They need a safe word because, while they are in love, Christian is angry and might not know enough to stop if all Ana says is ‘stop.’ Because there’s no way to know what she really means with vagaries like ‘stop.’ The safe word Ana picks is ‘popsicle’.

Then Christian proceeds to handcuff Ana’s wrists to her ankles so she’s tied into some kind of sexy non-moving ball. He makes her repeat the safe word, because, well, she isn’t the brightest. He threatens to staple her bikini onto her so she can’t take it off anymore and then tells her how naughty she’s been. Because nothing screams ‘hot sex’ like threats of violence!

We get to hear about Ana’s patented Metapod nipples that harden and then harden more at least three times in a row. I shouldn’t need to say this, but that’s not how nipples work.

Ana thinks this is all sooper hawt, but is glad that she is married to this guy because otherwise all this hawt secks would just be embarrassing.

Soooo many mixed messages. The sex is great but only because they are married. They had the same sex before and it was totally A OK then. Ana is afraid of Christian hitting her and making threats but it’s also kah-razy hot. Girl, pick an opinion and stick with it. You can enjoy the rough stuff without being all melodramatic about it. You can enjoy the married sex without being all judgey about the non-married sex.

Well suffice it to say that, like every single time, it was the best sex ever. Ever. So much so, that Ana falls asleep never having peed. Hope you like searing bladder infections Ana!

She wakes up an hour later to head for the bathroom. Christian is awake, has showered and is transacting some very important billionaire business on his laptop. Ana is suddenly shy and can’t be naked in front of her husband. You might wonder why this is, since Ana has been so comfortable naked all this time before.

Well! Wonder not! Here’s why: Ana pees, washes her hands and then her robe falls open. She looks up and is surprised and horrified to find that she is covered in…no, not bruises. HICKEYS!

Hickeys. The chapter ends on hickeys. Face, meet palm.

50 Shades Male Lead Kinda Grossed Out by Visiting a Real Sex Dungeon.

Over at The Mary Sue, fountain of at least 90% of the good things on the internet, they are reporting that Jamie Dornan, star of the upcoming Fifty Shades movie was “alternatively (sic) bored and grossed out” after visiting a real sex dungeon. In fact he was so disgusted that he needed to take fifty scalding showers before he could touch either his wife or newborn baby.

So for any of you out there who are into BDSM, this is the takeaway:

There’s no way I could say it better than they did over at TMS, so go over and read their article. Also check out the original Dornan interview over at Elle.

Chapter 1 of Fifty Shades Freed is Full of Timey-Wimey, Mixed-Metaphory Whatthefuckery

We ended off Fifty Shades Darker on a weird note. Both previous books have been told from Ana’s perspective – we get a full dose of the disjointed craziness that passes for Ana’s thought process – all her personalities, and random exclamations, all the ‘Oh my’s and ‘holy crap’s. Then, without warning, we jumped inside the head of Ana’s fired ex-boss Jack for the last couple of pages as he recounted his supervillain-style plan for revenge to no one in particular.

So when I started Fifty Shades Freed, I expected something…different.

When we ended the last book, it was Christian’s birthday and our crappy couple had just announced their engagement and were about to consummate the announcement in the boathouse. And then…and then…sigh.

Suddenly, we have a third person narrator who tells us that Christian is having a night terror. Christian is three, and his mother is dead. He drinks water from the tap and eats frozen peas from the freezer until his mother’s pimp shows up and kicks him in the head. He wakes up and the police wrench him screaming away from his mother’s corpse.

He wakes up screaming, and proclaiming that Ana is sunshine and goodness and light. For some reason that isn’t adequately explained he tells Ana that they can leave the “obey” part out of the vows, and begs her not to fight about it anymore. Except that, as far as we know, they have never fought about it before.

Then suddenly they are on the beach in Monaco at a super poshy-posh resort and ALREADY FREAKING MARRIED. So there goes any and all pretense of suspense. Hope you weren’t emotionally invested in being surprised. Because too fucking bad. No surprise for you.

Apparently Jack doesn’t pan out as a supervillain, because our crappy couple is happily married and now on their honeymoon. Soooo…whatever.

But then we’re back in the boathouse just in time to not see any of the sex. I’m not sure if this is a flashback or the previous bit was a flash forward. And seriously, for a dirty sexy filthy book, 50 Shades sure takes every opportunity to skip over the sex. Ana assures us that it was passionate and exhausting though. Just trust her she’s a totally reliable narrator. Totally.

They decide to get married in one month at the Grey mansion and suddenly they are in Monaco again. Ana begs Christian to slather her in sunscreen like some kind of sexy buttered bread slice. He tells her, “it’s a dirty job…but it’s an offer I can’t refuse.” Sweet mixed metaphor dude! Ana asks Christian if she can go topless, and of course he says no. Ana smiles to herself, because his jealousy and possessiveness is soooo endearing. She says that.

Ana naps, and then they make out in the surf. Christian asks if she wants to have sex in the water in front of everyone. Ana says yes, but as usual, Christian says no. Why does he do this? Why offer if you are always going to say no? Why!!!!????

So instead of having sex, Christian goes swimming. To punish him for being an asshole, Ana takes her bikini top off and proceeds to sunbathe topless, even though Christian said she wasn’t allowed to. Oh well, he’s buttered his bread, I guess he’ll have to lie in it.

Then we’re back at the wedding right at the ‘you may kiss the bride’ part. Everything is pink and cream and silver. Christian tells Ana she can’t change out of her wedding dress until he says so. Wedding dresses are super uncomfortable. Christ, what an asshole.

He sends her to pack a bag in her full wedding regalia, since they didn’t have the presence of mind to do it before. What the hell happened to all Christian’s servants and staff? Why don’t they pack it? They bought her an entire wardrobe without Ana even being there.

After the reception Ana sheepishly feels like she has to announce to all her family and friends that she isn’t allowed to change out of her wedding dress. They are as amused as you’d imagine. Ana’s mom reminds her that she didn’t agree to obey, which is the second time that’s come up. This had better turn out to be damn important somewhere in amongst all the flashbacks and forwards and whatnots and whozits.

The wedding guests all join hands to make an arch for them to walk under. Even though they agreed to have a small wedding, the arch is long enough to reach all the way around the front of the mansion. The guests pelt them with rice, because apparently in magic fantasy world rice doesn’t kill all the birds and people still think it’s okay to throw it at weddings.

They take off on Christian’s private jet, but not before Ana points out to us how jealous of her the female co-pilot is. Nice. Christian reveals that they are going to visit a laundry list of stereotypical romantic destinations for their honeymoon.

They spend their wedding night in flight, and so they join the proper mile high club. Not the shitty sorta-high-up-but-not-really club, like in the last book. Christian finally lets Ana take off the dress, underneath of which Ana has the pinkest, frilliest, girliest corset/garter/stocking set ever made.

Ana practically goes into convulsions at the thought of having sex with Christian. They finish stripping and then Christian flips Ana from her back to her from and back again several times before they actually have sex. It’s like some kind of…erotic…juggling act.

They very nearly have sex and then Christian wakes Ana up by shrieking bloody murder at her. Sexay! He is absolutely furious that Ana is topless. We end the chapter with Ana being inexplicably surprised. I mean, she did it on purpose to piss Christian off. And now it’s somehow not completely predictable that he is pissed off? Whatever.

In sum: Fifty Shades Freed appears to have knocked it up a notch. This is a whole new level of what-the-fuckery we’re dealing with here. We’re through the looking glass here people: I don’t even know what to expect.

Chapter 22 of 50 Shades Darker is the Last Goddamned One!

Last chapter! Last chapter! Last chapter!

I’m excited. Sooo excited. Well not that excited. I know there’s a whole, entire other book.

Okay…so before I even read the damn thing some predictions:

We need a huge cliffhanger to carry us over to the next book. They already confronted two of Christian’s evil exes, and have been almost killed at least once each. They already proposed marriage, so what kind of revelation is left? Is the world about to end? Is Christian actually an international jewel thief? Is Ana actually a cyborg?

This book is so screwed up, I can’t even begin to guess. There doesn’t seem to be anything left massively hugely shocking enough to end off the middle book of the 50 Shades trilogy. So, that didn’t turn out to be predictions, more a statement of bewilderment. I just don’t even know.

Yeah. This one’s a doozy. I don’t even. I just. Ok. Listen. Abandon all sense-making ye who enter here. Here’s how it goes:

Ana and Christian have just arrived at his parents’ house for a birthday party.
Kate meets them at the door and flips her shit because she found a a printed-out email that mentioned The Contract. I’m not even sure how much detail was in the email – like if it contained the full terms or what. She found it folded up in a jacket that Ana left behind…somewhere. The story isn’t even clear about whether it was Ana’s jacket or Christian’s. I don’t care enough to find out.

Apparently Kate is concerned that Ana is now some kind of high-priced call girl, or else the victim of sexual exploitation, and starts to gloriously screamingly confront Ana about it. This makes sense since I’ve theorised that Kate is actually some kind of care assistant to poor feeble minded Ana. Kate tries to get Ana alone, away from Christian to have a proper talk, but Christian refuses to allow it. Christian goes from white hot rage to cold rage as Ana assures Kate that she’s OK, all while glancing nervously back and forth between the two of them.

Christian then BURNS the email, while interrogating Kate as to whether anyone else knows about it.

And for some reason, this is good enough for Kate. Let me repeat that. Kate is convinced and reassured by this interaction.

So with that Kate is suddenly happy again and the drama is abruptly over. Everyone heads for the living room to join the party. What was supposed to be a small family party is actually a large party jammed with family friends and even business associates. Ana is pissed off to find out that Elena (the ex formerly known as Mrs. Robinson) is there. Ana is surprised, even though Elena is Christian’s best and only friend.

There is boring small talk and introductions and then Asstian (our power couple) drop the news: they are getting married! There are dramatic gasps, and then strained applause, in fact I’m surprised that no one fainted. Ana makes sure to take special note of how every single woman in attendance is angry, jealous, or upset that Christian is unavailable.

Especially Elena.

Ana derives a disturbing amount of petty joy from seeing their reactions. She really is detestable. There is more boring small talk as everyone processes the news, and Ana fumbles to carry on a conversation with Dr Flynn’s wife while simultaneously eavesdropping on Christian’s conversation. He’s checking up on Ghost Girl who is apparently doing well. At least Ana has enough class to not feel smugly satisfied about Ghost Girl’s mental illness.

Christian’s mother announces that dinner is served – buffet style in the kitchen. Instead of going there, Ana sneaks off to the dining room with Mia, who wants some advice from Ana. OMG. Do NOT go to Ana for advice! Anyway, what’s important here is that Mia hands Ana a martini. At least Ana knows how useless she is and passes Mia off to Kate for advice.

It doesn’t matter anyway, because it’s all a pretense to get Ana alone in a room so she can have a dramatic soap-opera-style confrontation with Elena, which she does. Elena “breezes in” and starts haranguing Ana about how wrong she is for Christian. Elena has apparently morphed into some kind of evil supervillain and launches into a supervillain monologue:

“I wouldn’t have thought of you as a worthy adversary, Anastasia. But you surprise me at every turn.”

I hope Elena has been practicing her evil laugh. Because that’s about standards. Ana takes the chance to say all the nasty things that have been rattling around in her head for the past two books. All of them. Elena starts shaking a finger at Ana, and this is the last gall-dang straw. Ana flings her drink in Elena’s face.

Cat fight!

No. Such. Luck.

Christian walks in and proceeds to flip the fuck out. Damn. Christian and Elena fight dirty – Elena shrieks that Christian is making a horrible mistake. Christian lands every low blow possible: Elena is empty; she never loved him; she was just a meaningless fuck; it served her right when her husband left her. Ana, of course, is horrified that people are going to hear.

And they do hear. Christian’s mother shows up after hearing everything and kicks Elena out of the house. But not before calling her a whore, just for good measure. Ana darts out of the room while Christian has a suuuper uncomfortable talk with his mother about what the fuck was just going on.

Ana hides in the bathroom and whines to herself that no bride-to-be should ever have to endure what she just went through – seeing her fiancé fight with his ex. It is literally the biggest tragedy in the history of tragedies. She decides that she has pulled Christian out of the metaphorical darkness, and now they are both in the light. Everything is light and goodness and rainbows and strawberry scented unicorn farts from now on.

She heads for Christian’s creepily preserved teenage bedroom, and he meets her there. They pull themselves together and head back to the party to pretend nothing happened. Christian asks her if she has eaten, because he has a thing with forcing Ana to eat. Ana hasn’t and is briefly worried, but Christian is in a good mood now and simply reminds her that eating is Rule #1. Phew…

After the party Christian and Ana head out to the boat house for some sexy sexin’. You’d think. That’s what they did the last time they were out there. But this has turned into a very different kind of book. Ana asks permission to attend church the next day. Because she needs his permission. Ana has never been particularly religious, but when Christian was missing she made a deal with God, and now she OWES HIM.

Christian is thrilled and reveals he has already purchased the house they looked at. You remember, right? The one where Ana was jealous of the realtor? That house. They enter the boat house, and Ana is vaguely expecting sex, but instead Christian has filled it with flowers and Christmas lights and clichés and the tears of angels. I might have made up those last two.

They kiss and we fade to glorious black and then for no fucking reason that makes any sense in any world ever we are abruptly thrown inside the head of Ana’s fired boss, Jack. Who, notably, is not dead. I’m surprised. Legitimately surprised.

Jack has revealed his true supervillain identity, Boss Man, and launches into his evil plan-telling monologue. Christian has underestimated him, he tells us. Everyone underestimates him! But this time Jack is going make Christian pay using his Perfect Memory Powers. 

He reveals how he used his photographic memory and superior research skillz to learn how to sabotage Christian’s helicopter. Which failed miserably, by the way.

And Jack manages all this yammering while simultaneously drinking cheep hooch and smoking cigarettes. Because he’s evil. He is most likely also dressed in black, and has a swastika tattooed somewhere on his body. You know, to hammer home the evil. He goes on, in typical evil genius fashion to tell us (who the hell is he talking to?) that Christian may have won this round with his blatant NOT DYING, but Boss Man will get him next time! Next time!

And that’s how it ends.