Chapter 2 of 50 Shades Freed is Light on Time Travel but Heavy on Facepalm

The time stream has settled down somewhat since our trip through chapter 1. For a while there we were shooting back and forth in time like we were playing some kind of crazy Time Pong. But in chapter 2 we only jump back and forth a couple of times.

We left Asstian on a beach in Monaco at the very beginning of a huge fight. Christian is furious that Ana is sunbathing topless at a topless beach. The nerve! Ana is surprised that Christian is mad even though she took her top off specifically to piss him off. The unmitigated gall! So, you know, your normal healthy couple interactions.

Christian reminds Ana that his security team is getting a nice view of his own private booby stash. Not only has Taylor seen it, but she’s also given an eyeful to their two über French local security hires,

Phillipe(!)

 

and Gaston(!!!!)

See? I was right about that Beauty and the Beast thing earlier.

Christian further reminds Ana that they are now being pursued by paparazzi. Ana scrambles to get her clothes back on and Christian drags her back to the yacht that he has borrowed, because now Monaco is ruined forever. Ana is scared, really scared, because even Taylor is angry at her.

She begs Christian’s forgiveness as he stuffs her into a life jacket so they can take his jet ski back to the boat. She stops being scared long enough to be indignant that no one is wearing a life jacket except her. Apparently safety is for chumps and subs.

For some reason a crowd gathers to watch Christian take off on his jet ski. They don’t specify that these are paparazzi, it’s just kind of weird. The same thing happened back when Christian was parking his boat. Everything Christian does is fascinating – his magical billionaire powers always attract a crowd to whatever he does.

Back on the deck of the Fair Lady, Ana makes anxious small talk: she is worried Christian will want to punish her, and asks for some alcohol to make it more bearable. They smile slyly at each other. Christian explains that now that they are married, he never wants to hurt her again. Wellllll, in that case Ana is totally into being tied up and flogged.

Holy Hylian Shield, Batman! So many mixed messages.

Just for good measure, Christian berates Ana a little more for going topless, and reminds her that not only does it piss him off, it will also freak out her stepfather, Ray, when he sees her topless photos in the tabloids. Ana is actually factually sorry this time. She doesn’t give a flying fuck how Christian feels about the whole debacle (he’s just her husband after all) and her only concern here is about getting beaten. But, for some reason, she actually cares what Ray thinks.

Ana then marvels at how thirst quenching the gin and tonics are. Yes. Thirst quenching. Alcohol is known for its thirst quenching properties. Ana sighs and tells Christian she’ll never get used to the burdensome burdens of being super rich.

Awwww…poor baby.

Then Ana’s mind starts to wander and all of a sudden she’s in the past. She really needs to concentrate: unplanned time jumps are no laughing matter. Keeping the time stream unpolluted is even more burdensome than being super rich.

We find our crappy couple at breakfast at the Grey mansion and for whatever reason Christian gets into a screaming fight with his parents over making Ana sign a prenuptial agreement. Ana is horrified and embarrassed at the mere mention of a prenup, because as we’ve learned before, everything is about Ana and her feelings. Everything.

Christian insists that this is real love dammit! And no one in real actual love needs to sign a prenuptial agreement. Their love is as pure as the driven snow and will last forever! For a super business-savvy self-made billionaire, he doesn’t have a whole lot of, you know, common sense. And after berating his parents into submission, Christian is suddenly calm and genial again.

“Mom,” he says. “Can we have the wedding here?”

Then *zap* we’re back in the present.

Christian tells Ana to suck down her alcohol because they are “going to bed.”

And Ana, dear sweet, simple Ana. Ana doesn’t know what he is talking about. He has to explain it to her.

“I am going to make an example of you.”

Ummmm…to whom exactly? When you make an example of someone, that example is generally for other people to see. And no one else is going to see this. Well, I’m not one to nitpick, but that just doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Christian declares is going to punish Ana by not letting her pee before sex. Suuuuure buddy, I hope you like being peed on though. Oddly enough, this weird requirement never gets mentioned again. You’d think they’d make something of it, right? Well you’d be very very wrong. Pervert.

What he *does* do is blindfold Ana and make her select a safe word. Remember when he said people in love do not need safe words? Well forget that. They need a safe word because, while they are in love, Christian is angry and might not know enough to stop if all Ana says is ‘stop.’ Because there’s no way to know what she really means with vagaries like ‘stop.’ The safe word Ana picks is ‘popsicle’.

Then Christian proceeds to handcuff Ana’s wrists to her ankles so she’s tied into some kind of sexy non-moving ball. He makes her repeat the safe word, because, well, she isn’t the brightest. He threatens to staple her bikini onto her so she can’t take it off anymore and then tells her how naughty she’s been. Because nothing screams ‘hot sex’ like threats of violence!

We get to hear about Ana’s patented Metapod nipples that harden and then harden more at least three times in a row. I shouldn’t need to say this, but that’s not how nipples work.

Ana thinks this is all sooper hawt, but is glad that she is married to this guy because otherwise all this hawt secks would just be embarrassing.

Soooo many mixed messages. The sex is great but only because they are married. They had the same sex before and it was totally A OK then. Ana is afraid of Christian hitting her and making threats but it’s also kah-razy hot. Girl, pick an opinion and stick with it. You can enjoy the rough stuff without being all melodramatic about it. You can enjoy the married sex without being all judgey about the non-married sex.

Well suffice it to say that, like every single time, it was the best sex ever. Ever. So much so, that Ana falls asleep never having peed. Hope you like searing bladder infections Ana!

She wakes up an hour later to head for the bathroom. Christian is awake, has showered and is transacting some very important billionaire business on his laptop. Ana is suddenly shy and can’t be naked in front of her husband. You might wonder why this is, since Ana has been so comfortable naked all this time before.

Well! Wonder not! Here’s why: Ana pees, washes her hands and then her robe falls open. She looks up and is surprised and horrified to find that she is covered in…no, not bruises. HICKEYS!

Hickeys. The chapter ends on hickeys. Face, meet palm.

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3 thoughts on “Chapter 2 of 50 Shades Freed is Light on Time Travel but Heavy on Facepalm

    • It’s always perfect: no awkwardness, no learning curve, and no missteps. At some point the mindblowingness of their orgasms will be so powerful that it could be weaponized. 0.o

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