Chapter 3 of 50 Shades Freed is So Fudged Up I’m Not Even Mad, I’m Amazed

We left off in chapter 3 with hickeys. Ana’s chestal area is covered in hickeys and she is mad as hell. But not just hickeys, also bruising welts on her wrists and ankles from the handcuffs. Ana wonders how she didn’t notice Christian doing this. Here’s her answer:

“Mr. Orgasmic was using his fine-motor sexing skills on me.”

Soooo…his penis has fine motor skills?

I’m not mad, but Ana is mad, whoa baby is she mad! In all the time they have been together, Christian has never given her a hickey. Well, of course not because you aren’t pimple faced teenagers. You would think. Apparently Christian is a vindictive baby. Ana knows that he has given her these hickeys to punish her for going topless.

Well, if he can be an immature dolt, then so can she! Ana stamps out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, and into the walk in closet. Ana decides that isn’t immature enough. When Christian tentatively asks if she is alright she throws a hairbrush at him. I guess you’d call that the tat for tit approach?

Chuggaaconroy by IndieTimber

Please forgive me, Oh Lord of Bad Punnery!

Ahem.

Ana decides to take the reasonable, grown up approach and storms out of the room, out onto the deck and off to the other end of the yacht. Eventually Christian follows her to see how mad she is.

Ana says, “On a scale of one to ten, I think I’m at fifty.”


Christian responds the way any mature adult would, by sneering that at least Ana will have to keep her top on now. Well, no. No she doesn’t. In fact wouldn’t it be nice if Ana went topless sunbathing and the paparazzi that they are so wary of took pictures of all the bruises? But of course Ana doesn’t think like that. Or at all.

She retorts that leaving marks is a hard limit. Well, if she is going to be that way, her going topless (at a topless beach) is a hard limit for Christian! And surprisingly, Ana thinks that is a good deal. But if she thought for a minute or ever at all it would be obvious that those aren’t the same thing. Ana’s hard limit is he can’t do a certain thing to her body i.e. leave marks. Christian’s hard limit is that Ana can’t decide what to wear or not wear.

But she doesn’t think. If she did, maybe she would compare them to the scars on his own chest, and suggest that marking other peoples chests, especially out of anger (and not because Ana wanted him to), is not OK. But this isn’t that kind of book. What kind of book is it? It’s the kind of book where Christian lamely apologises and then Ana scolds him.

“You are such an adolescent sometimes.”

Then as soon as the words are out of her mouth she remembers Dr. Flynn’s warning that Christian is emotionally stunted and that she just has to put up with it because he’s broken and ill and such a poor baby. And that makes it all A OK.

ok-flanders

However for good measure Ana reminds Christian that she is an expert at throwing and shooting, so he had better watch himself. Nice, so not only is Christian making threats, now Ana is too. This might be the healthiest relationship ever. They should teach this book in health class as the ideal relationship. Equality kids, the place where both people threaten to shoot each other!

So no one is angry anymore, and they waggle their eyebrows seductively for a bit, and then decide to eat gazpacho instead yadda yadda yadda. Then there is crème brulee which we are assured is ‘delicious.’ Wow, that description! I feel like I’m eating it myself.

By way of crappy small talk, Ana asks why Christian always braids her hair when they have sex. Have I mentioned it? Because he does. It’s such a small puff of swamp gas in a vast sucking bog of whatthefuckery that I may have missed it.

Christian answers blandly that it’s so her hair doesn’t catch on anything. Then suddenly he goes all emo and distant – he’s clearly having a montage. If this scene doesn’t lead to a montage of some hapless sub being accidently strung up by her hair and the subsequent scenes of hiding the body, then I will be a simian’s half aunt twice removed.

Ana quickly changes the subject and asks why she wasn’t allowed to pee before sex last night. Or today. I forget. Christian claims that having a full bladder makes orgasms more intense. Yeah, I’m skeptical about that claim, but whatever. Ana is so flustered by this answer that Christian changes the subject.

They finish their meal, dance for a bit and then yadda yadda through the makeup sex. Afterwards, Ana reflects on how much she loves sex with both Angry Christian and Sorry Christian. She can’t decide which one she likes better. She doesn’t mention Happy Christian. He sucks.

Ana follows Christian into the bathroom to watch him shave and suddenly we are having a flashback to that time when Ana shaved her vag but didn’t do a good enough job to satisfy Christian so he held her down and did it himself. Remember that? Good times.

Okay, he didn’t hold her down the whole time…he just nagged until he got his way and then let go. But still, he doesn’t have a good sense of “things that are not OK” and that this is one of them. And really, why is Ana still such a massive prude? At one point in the argument she tells Christian it is “wrong” for him to shave her. But Christian finds it hot so it happens anyway.

Then we are back in what passes for the present in this book where Ana is going to punish Christian for shaving her vag by shaving his…face. Goddammit! I demand my money back! I want some hot ballsack-shaving action and I want it now!

She never shaves him anyway – they kiss and Christian suggests they go ashore and pick out some art for the new house. Ana thinks about the new house and is consumed by jealousy when she remembers the architect that Christian hired to remodel the house is a woman. And the brazen whore has been talking to Christian! About the house! As if that were her job!

In fact, she is so mad that Christian notices. She distracts him by lying and saying she’s hungry because she knows how much he likes to force her to eat meals. I’m not sure if they actually eat, but they do go ashore and look at art galleries. Ana is disgusted by artsy pictures of disgusting nudes. Instead she picks out a five thousand euro picture of peppers.

They eat lunch, and on a full stomach Christian dramatically reveals that the REAL reason he likes to braid Ana’s hair is that he used to braid the crack whore’s hair. You know, when he was 3. Plausible. Ana thinks it is not only plausible, but positively adorable. She tells him he must really have loved his birth mother. Christian, of course, is furious. He tells her he doesn’t want to talk about ‘that shit.’ Except, you know, he brought it up. Ana was content to go with his ‘so it doesn’t catch on stuff’ answer. But somehow this is her fault.

This couldn’t get any more screwed up, right? Wrong. Oh God, sooooo wrong. While Christian steams silently, Ana reflects on how sooper hawt it is that Christian will never be over his abusive childhood. She is attracted not so much to his beauty, but to “his fragile, damaged soul.” That’s in there. Let me repeat that: she doesn’t want him to get better because being all busted is so hot.

Sweet Zombie Jesus! These two need to run far, far away from each other and never look back. But then it gets even worse. How, you ask? Well, Christian calms down a bit and notices the bruising on Ana’s wrists. He feels bad and feeling bad feels bad. So he buys Ana a thirty thousand euro cuff-style bracelet to hide it so he doesn’t have to feel bad anymore.

The last bit of the chapter is, I guess, supposed to be dramatic or suspenseful or something but it fails to be either. They drive back to the boat, and Christian gets a phone call telling him his server room has had a small fire. There isn’t much damage, and it was easily put out, but we are clearly supposed to think it is sabotage.

Will next chapter see the craptastic return of Half-Assed Avenger Jack? Will we forget about the incident entirely? Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. And neither should you.

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