Ch. 8 of 50 Shades Freed Will Wash Your Brain Right Out of Your Head

Chapter 8 is all about long, drawn out, loving descriptions of things that I just couldn’t give a damn about. Well, I *could* give a damn. I could go out, buy a nice moderately priced damn, put it in a box with a big bow and yell, “Surprise! I’m giving you a damn, I hope you like it!”

But I’m not going to. And you can’t make me.

give-a-damn

We spend the first long paragraph lovingly describing Gia Matteo, the architect. The one who Ana hates with a vengeance. The take away is that Gia is gorgeous, over-coiffed, and dressed kinda slutty. But that’s OK! Ana is similarly underdressed. In fact, in Ana’s mind it is a competition. A life or death gladiatorial competition in which she and Gia are locked in mortal combat over the ultimate prize – Christian Grey and his love/money/billionaire powers. Ana’s various personalities are outfitted in gladiator outfits and parade around ancient Roman-type arenas. In Ana’s head of course. This whole thing is in Ana’s head.

Its-All-In-Your-Head-Alice

Outside Ana’s head is a different story. Gia has given absolutely no indication that she is interested in Christian other than as the client. Ana claims Gia’s heels are too high and her blouse is undone too far, but Ana hasn’t proven to be the most reliable narrator. It seems pretty clear that Ana is just pathologically jealous.

Ana looks down Gia’s blouse, and then Gia looks down Ana’s blouse. The two women lock eyes and blush. And somehow this doesn’t turn into a super hot threesome. Because what kind of dirty filth did you think you were reading?! This is a wholesome tale of the healing power of true love, not some kind of crass mommy porn.

Pervert

So in theory, our crappy couple is meeting with Gia to discuss renovations of the house that Christian bought. And that sorta happens. Ana is lost in a sea of jealousy: she thinks about how annoying Christian is but she really loves him right now when there is a romantic rival in the room. Nope. That’s just jealousy. Ana has zero self awareness.

Ana talks down to Gia and condescends to her, all while pawing Christian mercilessly and obviously. Christian is both confused and vaguely amused. Ana gets more agitated as the meeting progresses. She internally starts calling Gia a bitch and gears up for a fight. Ana is furious that Gia looks to Christian for final confirmation of the architectural plans. Furious!

Yes Ana, that bitch is clearly trying to steal your man, there’s no other possible reason for her to double check the plans with the guy who hired her and who is paying the bill. None. That Ana can understand anyway.

Then, luckily for Ana, and unluckily for Gia, Taylor interrupts and asks to speak with Christian privately. They have some serious MacGuffins that need to be dealt with immediately. Christian is like, “whatevs,’ and tells Gia just to do whatever Ana says while he’s gone.

Ana takes the opportunity to massively, gloriously lose it on Gia. She harangues Gia with accusations and threats. Ana knows Gia is trying to steal her man and if she doesn’t lay off she is fired. Fired.

CatFight

She tells us that Gia is stunned. And that all the blood drains from her face. Ana thinks it is because Gia has been caught out. But, as written, Gia seems to have no idea what Ana is talking about and she says as much. I personally think it is because Gia has realised just how crazy Ana actually is, and that she is now trapped alone in a room with her.

Gia tries to defuse the tension:

“Mrs. Grey, I sincerely apologize if you think…I have –“

Gia finally distracts Ana by getting her to talk about the plans, but now Gia is ‘nervous’ and ‘breathless’. Ana is thrilled to have won this round against the forces of imaginary evil. She “celebrat[es] her inner bitch.”

YUBitch

Of course Gia scuttles out as soon as she can, and Christian asks Ana what she did to Gia. Ana refuses to tell him. She does mention that Gia wants to get in his pants, and it makes Christian all emo. Why does everyone love his beautiful face!? Why must he be cursed with this damnable attractiveness?!

For the love of God, why?! Whhhyyyyyy?!

He then scolds Ana for being such a green jealous monster. Ana admits that she is just in a bad mood because of the whole emotional blackmail thing about her last name. No biggie. Way to take it out on the hired help though.

Ana asks Christian if he would change his last name to Steele so that everyone would know that he is her property (which is what he is asking of her). Christian is mortified. Of course he would change his name for Ana!!!! Why would she think otherwise?! But he isn’t going to. Ana is going to change hers.

Oh Christian! You and your Vulcan logic!

VulcanLogic

How can Ana argue against that? I think she ought to have insisted. But she doesn’t – she’s already gotten all her frustrations out on Gia. Then, Ana goes briefly into emo mode as well and tells Christian, “I never knew I’d love this way…this…indelibly.”

Yeah, hold onto the Sharpie Marker of Love ™ baby, because you’ve been together all of 6 months. And a love this nutty is bound to burn out fast. Get back to me about the deep ground-in ink-spill of your love on your 50th anniversary.

Then, abruptly, Christian declares that he has an idea. “Oh, what kinky fuckery is this?” Ana thinks.

HomerFacepalm

No Ana an ‘idea’ isn’t Cosmo’s newest hawt secks move for sexing your “down theres.” An ‘idea’ is something people have when they “think” with their “brains.” Don’t worry Ana you wouldn’t be familiar with that sort of thing.

Christian’s idea is this: he needs a haircut, and that Ana must provide it. He does co-own a hair salon with evil Mrs. Robinson, but Ana won’t let him near it. So I guess that explains it? As much as anything is ever logically explained in Crazy Burning Jealousy/Love Land? Plus, Christian says, it will make him feel “cherished.”

Oh look at the time!

As per the norm, Ana suddenly remembers that she has been cutting her stepfather’s hair for years and in fact is quite accomplished at it. It’s funny how she “forgets” little details like that until they are relevant. I’m sure if fully costumed ninjas showed up Ana would suddenly have a black belt in several assorted martial arts that she had also “forgotten.”

Then we spend five and a half pages lovingly describing the act of washing Christian’s hair. Well, Ana does wash it twice, so I guess that takes time but 5 ½ pages? Argh. Ana bends and stretches and plops her boobs in Christian’s face. Christian tells her to stop existing at him or his hair will never get cut!

Well, Ana stubbornly refuses to stop existing and so they do in fact have sex. Christian announces that he is going to fuck her “seven shades of Sunday” which isn’t even how the expression goes. But I guess he’s buttered his bread, and now he has to lie on it. He then follows up his pronouncement by asking “Oh, what shall I do to you?”

But…but…you just said! Aren’t you going to? I thought you were? What the fuck man!

They do eventually have sex, and Christian tells her to keep still damnit! All that moving around is sooo distracting! It’s almost like there’s another actual person he has to interact with. Yuck! Well, she isn’t still enough so he ties her hands with her panties.

MLPStupid

Wait. Just…how big are these panties? That they could be used like that? Or are they all string? I’m confused. That’s OK, so is Ana. Christian tells her that he is going to fuck her breasts one day (but not today. Dear god no, not today). “What the hell does that mean?” She asks herself.

Oh well, she is a college graduate who never owned a computer, and so has been denied the wonders of Google Image search all these years. Those nuns she was pretty clearly raised by were very strict. And her imagination is clearly busted.

There’s the usual whirling and spinning, and hissing and floating away and then both of them orgasm and burst out crying. Ana reflects that even if Christian is a total controlling asshole, the sex is still good and that makes everything better.

RedFlag

Red flag. Status: Ignored.

Afterwards Ana wanders around the apartment mostly naked and sees Taylor and the maid kissing. She is shocked. She had no idea they were people with lives and feelings of their own. She hasn’t reached that stage of development yet. I’m a bit confused, as I thought Taylor had a family, but it turns out he only has a daughter who appeared fully formed from nowhere. Taylor catches Ana in her undies, and everyone is super embarrassed, except Christian, who is mad. Damn right. Why didn’t Taylor gouge his own eyes out rather than see Ana? Just because she was walking around in plain sight like that…

After all this crap, Christian does get that haircut, and it is perfect – totally up to the high end salon standard that Christian is used to. Uh. Huh. Sure.

Colour me skeptical.

Later in bed, Ana tries to convince Christian that a little lady like her couldn’t possibly run a great big company like he wants her to. She bats her eyelashes and points out that it will take up all the time she could be devoting to him.

StopBeingStpid

Christian laughs it off and tells her that proper rich people just hire other people to do all the work, and save the fun parts for themselves. And that that is obviously what she should do.

Ana, seeing that she is going to lose this argument, suggests to Christian that she might like to tie him up and have a little sexy fun time with him. Christian is mortified. He will have NO PART of that sort of thing. It’s sick and wrong. He practically has a panic attack, and Ana feels so bad that she has sex with him to smooth over her faux pas.

We yadda yadda over the second round of sex and that’s where we end.  Will Christian still be angry next chapter? Will be we scandalised by the revelation that other characters have lives and feelings? Will Jack the Half Assed Avenger finally DO SOMETHING? I don’t even know. Or care.

See you next time. Maybe.

Fifty Shades Teddy Bear Provides Evidence for the Restraining Order

Nothing says Overly Attached Girlfriend/Boyfriend like adults exchanging stuffed animals for, well, any of the various holidays but for Valentine’s Day in particular. But if the mere act of giving another adult a fluffy children’s toy doesn’t adequately convey the level of crazy you are going for, now you can buy a Fifty Shades of Grey Teddy Bear for your poor, unsuspecting SO.

The bear comes with a tiny masquerade mask and adorable little handcuffs. At only $89.99 you can dial the crazy all the way up to Fifty for a remarkably low price. And have adequate evidence on hand when it comes time to file for the restraining order!

50SOGTeddy

(The best part is the warning that this bear is not suitable for children. Blech!)

Source: The Vermont Teddy Bear Company (via Perez Hilton)

Chapter 7 of 50 Shades Freed Proves That Thinking is Hard

The jokes write themselves as we open chapter 7.

“You think?” Christian asks, surprised.

Ana doesn’t think. I’m pretty sure there’s a rusty hamster wheel inside her head with a sad little hamster skeleton. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if Christian thinks either.

So yeah. Christian is actually referring to the revealing revelation that it is Jack Man: the Half-Assed Avenger who in fact set the fire at Grey enterprises: the one that wrecked their honeymoon. So Christian asks if Ana is sure. She *is* sure; she knows what her boss looks like. Christian is angry – ANGRY – that Ana can both recognise and describe him. He snarkily comments that she has spent altogether too much time looking at her former boss.

Not the time to be jealous and petty Christian – we’re trying to solve a mystery here. But au contraire! It is always the right time to be jealous and petty in Crazy Boyfriendia. Or I guess I should say Crazy Husbandia now, since they are totes married. Duuude.

Ana is grateful that Barney, the head Keystone Cop, interrupts Christian’s little snit. They turn their attention back to the security cam footage. Christian and Ana try to puzzle out why anyone, especially Jack, would want to harm them. I’m not kidding. They can’t think of one single event that might have happened which would lead Jack to harbour any ill-will toward the two of them. Not one.

Nothing.

Christian gives up with this futile thinking business with the declaration that, “You just can’t fathom why some people behave the way they do.”

Well, you can’t, but everyone else in the world can.

Christian sends the Keystone Cops off to find Jack and follow him around. Our least fave couple makes out for a bit and then decide that they are hungry. Hungry for…food. Sigh. OK.

Ana heads to the kitchen and dismisses the maid, who is somewhat put off by Ana horning in on her racket. Ana tells us quite meaningfully that she is going to make Christian a sub. Haw Haw! Geddit? A sub…

In case you didn’t, in fact, geddit, Ana hammers home THE MESSAGE thusly: “I frown, struck by what I’ve just said. Does Mrs. Jones understand the inference?”

I don’t know Ana. That was pretty fucking subtle. I imagine Mrs. Jones had to physically restrain herself from facepalming. It only gets better, because as soon as Ana is done insisting that she makes the sandwiches around these parts, she realises she doesn’t know what Christian likes. Like at all. Mrs. Jones tells her Christian will eat anything as long as it is on French bread.

Anything?

So Ana decides on the first two ingredients she can find: ham and avocado. Do those even go together? I’m not convinced. Christian saunters out of the study and is all like, mmmmm subs, my favourite. Yeah. We know.

Dead horse. Status: flogged.

There’s a little sexy grab-ass, some wine and then Christian brings out Gia’s plans for the new house. Ana predictably hates them because Gia is too pretty and it makes her mad. Ana brings up a touchy subject, or rather a hitty, smacky subject. A floggy, handcuffy subject. The 64 thousand dollar question here is…will they be putting a Red Room of Pain into the new house? Will they?! Will they?!

Welllllll…

Christian insists that this will be a family home! So none of that filthy filthy sex we were all promised. The house will contain nothing but the Beige Room of Boredom! And possibly the Eggplant Room of Ennui. Ana is disappointed. As usual, she looooves the Red Room of Pain except when she hates it.

They finish with the plans. Christian wants to head straight to bed but Ana wants to watch TV. Christian is dismissive. TV is for sheeple. Ana is all like, Gawd! I didn’t want to watch TV! I wanted to make out in the TV room.

Christian is confused, because he has never made out, but he’s suddenly up for whatever. He’s a little taken aback and asks Ana if she has ever made out before. He is clearly surprised (and mad! Soooo mad) when she says yes.

OK. When 50 Shades started…waaayyyy back in book one, Ana insisted that she has never had a boyfriend. She has never kissed a boy, and in fact has never so much as held hands with anyone ever. Ever. But now, suddenly she has a parade of teenage crushes. Ana even asks him why he would assume that she had never made out with anyone. Because you fucking said so! That’s why! But both of them seem to have conveniently forgotten this fact. Christian says it is because Ana just, er, seemed so, um, inexperienced. Yeah. That’s why.

 

Christian is furious and literally threatens to beat whoever it is to a pulp for you know, feeling up his wife a decade before he met her. Classy.

Then the chapter takes the express bus to Rapey Town. Christian holds Ana down and insists she describe exactly what she has done and with whom. Christian is angry and turned on, and the whole scene is supposed to be super hot, but it is really uncomfortable to read. Christian basically interrogates Ana while holding her down and feeling her up. It comes off…kinda…gross.

They make out some more, and Christian asks Ana if she knows how hot she is. Sigh. I think we have established that she does not in fact know how hawt she is. NO! A THOUSAND TIMES NO! Why does he keep asking?!

The scintillating dialogue just keeps scint-ing along. Christian declares that he is like a starving man at a buffet. So…? He’s going to stuff himself until he pukes and then die of Refeeding Syndrome? Yeah. That’s a real thing. You’re welcome.

Then Christian strips off Ana’s shirt. Ana informs us that she is naked under her shirt. Oh Ana, we’re all naked under our clothes. Totally naked. Turns out Christian is also naked under his clothes. Whoda thunk it? I can’t tell you how much I laughed at this exchange. It wasn’t even said jokingly. They were serious. We yadda yadda past the sex and then arrive back in time to watch the end of the X-Files with our crappy couple.

I just paged ahead and realised there’s still 20 pages to cover in this chapter. God help me.

Ana makes fun of Christian for being a fan of the X-Files. She tells him it is before her time. Christian admits that this was back when he was a little kid, and muses about how young Ana is. OK. Back up the Dumbhole Express.

1. They are like 6 years apart in age.
2. The story is set in 2012 and he is 28.
3. The X-Files ran until 2002

That makes Christian 18, and Ana 12. So, no. It isn’t before her time, and no, he wasn’t a little kid. Sure, it started almost a decade earlier, but it’s not like some obscure show that ran for a season and got cancelled. Also reruns. This whole conversation that they have is patent nonsense.

They make some boring post-sexy time conversation. Christian bitches about his crappy security team and tells us he thinks it was Jack following them in the car chase, even though his minions think it was a woman in the other car. Ana whines about having to work tomorrow and go back to ‘reality’. Yes, the reality of having a job because your husband owns the company. Christian snaps at Ana for questioning his judgement and then they retire to the bedroom for more sex (which we skip over).

We fade out and then it’s Monday. Ana heads to work in a gaggle of security types. Ana gets updated on all the boring office crap and goes to a meeting. Ana notes that her co-workers are treating her with kid gloves, because now they are all aware that her hubby owns the company. It makes Ana sad and uncomfortable.

Just before the meeting Christian emails to freak out because Ana hasn’t changed her work email to his last name. This becomes a whole thing. He tells her his emails all “bounced’ because he was emailing her new address which doesn’t exist yet. Let’s stop right here. Ana has been at work for like 2 hours. Christian is furious that her email address isn’t updated to reflect her married name, and has sent her multiple MULTIPLE emails. He is furious.

Furious.

Ana tells him she would rather keep her last name at work and they will discuss it after work today. Sounds reasonable right?

Wrong.

Christian bursts into her office and harangues her about changing her name. He even threatens to force her to have sex in her office with everyone listening if she doesn’t comply. She begs him not to do that and eventually she gives in just to get rid of him. As soon as she agrees, he is Mr. Smiley Calmerton again and he leaves as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.

Before leaving he drops a metaphorical bomb on Ana. Guess what? She really does have the job because he bought the company. Her bosses didn’t want to hire a new person while the company was up for sale so they just hired whoever was closest – Ana. Ana is horrified. But it’s OK, Christian reassures her, because Christian is giving Ana the company for a wedding present. She doesn’t need to have any skills or qualifications – he will let her run it into the ground.

Ana is horrified even more, if that is possible. She tells him he will be a laughingstock, buying a company for the little woman. He doesn’t care. Ana is pissed, sooo pissed. She has asked him repeatedly to let her succeed or fail on her own and he flat out refuses to do that.

After work, Ana is still furious and Christian has no idea why. None. He can’t figure out what thing he might have done recently that she might be angry about. Ana responds by throwing an epic hissy fit, and refusing to eat (which he hates). She tells him to sell the company, but he refuses. Christian interrupts to inform her that it is now time to meet Gia to discuss plans for the house. Ana is incensed: she hates Gia, and is sure Gia is after her man. She goes to put on high heels and slather on some makeup so that she can outshine Gia.

She heads out to the foyer and she and Christian dance – to a requiem. Ana makes a huge deal about this, which makes me think it is supposed to be deep and meaningful. Or something. Then they head off to see Gia, but we are spared that at least because the chapter is finally FINALLY over.

 

Chapter 6 of 50 Shades Freed: the Surprise Ending You Can See Coming 100 Miles Away

We ended chapter 5 with some Zapp Brannigan-style eyebrow waggling. Ana wants some sex, and Christian is toooootallllly willing to oblige. Ohhhhh yeaaaahhhh! Ana wants some rough sex really badly but can’t figure out why.

“I don’t understand,” She thinks.

I know Ana, those urges down there can be confusing.

Christian asks her what she wants, but she doesn’t really have a good idea of what aforementioned rough sex might entail.

Christian tries to prompt her, thusly: “Kinky fuckery?

Ana agrees but still doesn’t really know what that means.

“Carte blanche?” he asks again, trying in vain to get her to say something.

Well it doesn’t work. Ana tells him to surprise her. Seriously. It is probably the least sexy exchange I have ever had the displeasure of reading. So, Ana wants some rough sex from the self-proclaimed king of BDSM. She gives him permission to do whatever thing he wants and in fact tells him to surprise her. So the ensuing sex scene must be pretty fucking hot right?

Wrong!

Oh God. So so wrong.

They sashay up to the playroom, and Ana gets in the spirit of things by reflecting that Christian’s servants have to clean the playroom. She’s kinda grossed out by that, but she gets over it because she is soo stoked for the surprise kinky fuckery.

Christian “orders” her to undress and she “obeys”. OK, so far so good, I guess. Ana looks at the riding crop and the flogger and wonders eagerly if Christian will use those.

Christian kneels down and takes a big whiff of her crotch and says how much he likes it. Oh. Okay. Ana is over the moon. Over. The. Moon.

“He’s just so…naughty.” Um…sure. That’s super naughty. I guess. In Wonder-White-Bread-Land.

Well, to make a dumb story short, there’s a whole long over-dramatic lead up where Christian makes Ana turn around so she doesn’t ruin the surprise. The surprise turns out to be a butt plug. They have sex while Ana wears a butt plug down there. At least this time it’s heavily implied that it is actually in her butt. Not like last time.

Also Christian smacks her on the butt a couple of times.

That’s it.

For some reason Ana’s orgasm involves spinning around and around, which is…not…regular. But not really BDSM-y either. I mean, she isn’t tied to some kind of Spanish Inquisition style spinning device. She’s just lying on a table.

To make matters worse they lay around afterwards and congratulate each other on being so supremely kinky and deviant. Seriously. Then in practically the next breath, Ana is almost too shy to ask Christian if he will wear a specific pair of jeans that he looks good in.

Ana’s good time is ruined by the sudden realisation that Christian’s staff has to clean the butt plug. Ana brings it up with Christian but he distracts her with a bath. They snuggle in the bath and try to piss each other off. Ana brings up Sawyer, who has utterly failed at being head security guy. Christian retaliates by mentioning Gia, the architect. They both end the bath cranky.

After the bath, Ana is so horrified at the thought of the staff cleaning their sex toys, that she sneaks back to the playroom to hide the butt plug from the maid. On the way back to the bedroom, Ana evesdrops on Christian as he yells at Sawyer. Ms Jones, the maid, catches her and she hurries back to the bedroom, where she cleans the butt plug in the ensuite bathroom.

An unspecified amount of time later, Ana is in the library supposedly doing work. She reflects on how much she does not want to go back, and also on how bad it looks that she is married to the boss. After about one half of a second of non-specific work, Ana decides to look at their honeymoon photos instead. Ana is shocked to find Christian has taken so many pictures of her, including a picture of Ana sucking her thumb.

You heard me right.

She sucks. Her. Thumb.

Ana sees some pictures of Christian and suddenly gets all emo. What if something happens to Christian? What if ‘they’ get him? She has to go to him this very instant. Ana bursts into his office and sits on his lap while he is on the phone trying to sort out his security ‘problem.’

Christian is having one of his tech guys go over the security cam footage from the office. They do the old zoom and enhance thing that all the old lady crime shows do but which is actually not possible in real life. They take a low resolution, pixelly frame from the security cam and enhance it to a crystal clear image.

https://i0.wp.com/i.imgur.com/wExxE8w.jpg

Ye olden Zoome and Enhance-e reveals a surprising surprise! A shocking shock! A revealing revelation even! The person who set the fire in Christian’s office is none other than Ana’s old boss Jack! The Half-Assed Avenger returneth!

What ill thought out mayhem will he get up to this time? Will there be an epic 16  bit boss fight? Find out next time when I read 50 Shades so you don’t have to.

Chapter 5 of Fifty Shades Freed Cuts to the Chase

Chapter 5 starts off slowly. Ana wakes up and Christian is gone. She proclaims, “shit” for no reason, as it turns out Christian is right there in a chair next to the bed. But drama queens gotta drahm. Or whatever. All of a sudden Ana’s super worried about the arson and the sabotage. I guess it took her this long to process it? Because Ana spent the whole of last chapter stirring up drama because she was bored, while Christian was holed up with his  phone dealing with the fire situation.

Christian tells Ana she has been talking in her sleep. Ana asks him what she said, but he refuses to tell her. Of course he does. Do they ever reveal what’s been said? Nope. But suddenly they are happy again. Christian smiles and it reminds Ana that he is really just a boy. A 28 year old boy. So…a grown man. A man approaching his middle years, in fact. Oh well, you know, potato potahto.

Ana tells us that her honeymoon is over, and she’s whiny about going back and having to work. Even though Christian has told her multiple times that she needn’t work. And she has insisted multiple times that she *wants* to. So…you know.

Ana reflects on what a blissful honeymoon they have had. Except for all the fights and drama. Those don’t count. Ana tells us, “that’s normal for a newly married couple.” LOL, nope. Newly married couples, at least happy ones, don’t fight that much on their honeymoon. There’s plenty of time for bickering and petty drama later. So much time.

They go for a last ride on the jet ski, or as it should by all rights be called, the boatercycle. Christian lets Ana drive but wears a life jacket (which he normally doesn’t do) to show how much he trusts her. Ana is miffed and pays him back by crashing the jet ski. A jet plane ‘startles’ her by landing at the nearby airport. Damn jet planes, always sneaking up on people, all quiet like…Christian panics at the thought of Ana drowning and Ana is “elated” at his over-reaction.

Then suddenly they are at Heathrow Airport waiting for a connecting flight. What the hell happened to Christian’s private jet? He took the damn jet to stalk Ana to her mother’s house, why would he not take it on vacation?! We’ll never know. We stay at the airport just long enough for Christian to swear to the heavens that with God as his witness he will have the arsonist caught and out of their lives.

Then we time jump ahead to the car, just as Christian and Ana arrive home. Ana insists she hasn’t slept in over 18 hours in the same breath as telling us that Christian is waking her up to go inside. Christian insists on carrying Ana over the threshold, but makes sure to mention how fat she has gotten.

They meet security inside the lobby. I’m confused. Several someones have tried to kill both members of our crappy couple on multiple occasions. Security had to escort them all over Europe, they had to shadow Ana on the jet ski, they were an open presence on the yacht, but they let our crappy couple take a commercial flight with a substantial layover ALL BY THEMSELVES. Because criminal acts never happen on airplanes. Apparently the security team is headed up by Patrick Star.

After Christian has dismissed security, he mentions again that Ana has gained weight. He goes all emo and distant. If you are new to this griping tale, this happens often. Ana finally makes him admit that it makes him think of all the weight Ana lost while they were broken up (between books one and two). Now keep in mind that they broke up for, like, a solid week. Seven days. And the whole time Ana claims to have subsisted on copious numbers of flavoured lattes. Flavoured lattes aren’t known for their weight loss properties. Trust me. She did not lose any weight.

They make out in the elevator, because they always make out in the elevator. It’s a thing they do. An annoying thing. Christian assures Ana that he still loves her even though she’s fat now. Ana tells him she is tired but Christian isn’t interested in that. He makes her stay up to drink champagne and then it’s business time. Which we skip. Because who wants to read about that kind of smut?!?!?!

Later Ana wakes before Christian, she watches him sleep and wonders who could possibly want to harm him. She can’t think of anyone. Not Elena, Christian’s former best friend and business partner? Not her ex-boss Jack? Not Ghost Girl who tried to kill Ana once already? Nope. Ana can’t think of anyone.

Christian wakes up and we skip over more sex, because now they are married, and this is a respectable book not some piece of smut!!

Not now, anyway!

We time jump ahead again and they are in the car going to the Grey mansion for lunchie-poo. Ana is cranky. She asks if she can drive the Audi, and Christian says, sure. Buuut if she dents it she will be punished. Ana is furious (even though she likes the spanky spanky) and threatens to make him sleep in the car if he loves it so much. Christian tells Ana how frustrating she is, and she smirks at him. “I’m trying,” he says. Yes you are. You are both sooo trying.

Then lunch! Elliot (Christian’s brother) mentions the architect, Gia, and Ana is immediately over come with jealously because Gia is prettier than her. That gets old really fast. It would be nice if Christian could talk to one woman, or if Ana could talk to one man without the whole thing devolving into bitterness and petty jealousy.

After lunch Christian plays the piano and sings. Everyone stops and hangs their mouths open because Christian has never done that. Christian’s mother hugs Ana and thanks her for fixing her broken son, and then retreats to another room to cry.

Ana goes over to Christian and makes him promise to spank her, which she was mad about on the way to lunch, but whatever. In return, Christian lets her drive the car home. On the way home, security is back! And just in time because they are being followed!

Ana engages in an stunt-expert level high speed car chase, and never once crashes into anything, She weaves in and out of traffic at speeds upwards of 100 miles per hour “like a black piece in a game of checkers,” Whatever that might mean.

After many interjections (mostly “Shit!” and “Jeez!”) Ana loses their pursuers and hides in a parking lot. Ana is terrified until she realises that car chases are super hot! They have sex in the car which is mercifully short and sweet. And which (of course) no one sees. I mean, if they got caught it would complicate the storyline, but in a realistic believable way. Can’t have that!

Christian goes so far as to say that he would never let anyone watch his wife come. As if he had some control over who is in the parking lot. Does he? He is pretty rich. Maybe he paid some dude to pretend to follow them, and then cordoned off the parking lot so they could have sex. Yuck.

“Car sex!” Ana exclaims randomly. Christian responds that he’d better drive. Yeah. That’s a good idea.

They get home and Christian wants to fuck on the hood of the car, but somebody else has the nerve to be in the parking lot. It’s almost as if they lived in an apartment building full of other people! Gross. The other person follows them to the magical sex elevator and they are pissed that they can’t make out. Finally they get to the penthouse and Ana begs him for some rough sex. Which she hates. Except when she doesn’t.

Christian is thrilled because that’s exactly what he likes, but he makes it sound like he’s doing Ana a favour. But thank Chthulu, we don’t get subjected to that yet, as chapter 5 is now officially over.

Something Fun: Fifty Shades Generator

I’m sure you’re all bored to tears waiting for me to update tomorrow. I assure you that my post is actually on track for a morning publication. Scary I know.

Until then you can amuse yourselves with the Fifty Shades Generator. It advertises itself as “Terrible erotic fiction at the click of a button” and it is definitely worth a few button clicks for gems like this:

The unrelenting orgasms from his slut slayer plowing my gashtray made me come so hard, I began sweating like a midget nun at a penguin shoot. After having my ladytown pounded, he then proceeded to hammer my marmite motorway. The raiding makes me gush my minge monsoon all over his purple-headed trouser snake. If I don’t fish for pearls to get my beige slime seeping from my fuck trench, his giggle stick is going to leave my open-faced ham sandwich resembling the Japanese flag. My one slice toaster was trembling like Micheal J. Fox licking a car battery.

Go check it out right now!

Take a Cruise on the Rub Boat in Chapter 4 of 50 Shades Freed

Back on the Rub Boat Ana is booooooored! Cruising the French coast in a super awesome yacht gets old reeeaalllll fast. Apparently. Besides, Christian has been TCB for like a whole hour and hasn’t been available for either soap opera drama games or sex. Jerk.

Never mind that Christian is taking calls about the fire in his office, and whether it was you know, arson, all that matters is Ana and her boredom. So, she decides to stir up some shit. She goes off to find Taylor and ask him to give her the jet ski so she can go ashore for some shopping.

Knowing what a crazy weirdo Christian is, and knowing that his job depends on keeping him happy, naturally Taylor is reluctant. Ana tells Taylor she will clear it with Christian. She bursts into Christian’s office on the sea and forces him to hang up on whoever it is he’s talking to. She announces that she is going shopping and that it’s OK because she’s taking security. Knowing Christian will say no, she doesn’t bother to ask about the jet ski.

Ana then lies to Taylor about permission to take the jet ski and off she goes. We spend nearly 2 pages detailing just how delicious Ana’s illicit use of the jet ski is. Christian emerges on deck and is horrified to see Ana having, you know, FUN without him. When Ana finally gets to shore she can see from their faces that the security team has gotten an angry phone call from Christian.

Taylor tells her that Christian isn’t comfortable with her riding the jet ski. Ana is notably not sorry at all for getting Taylor yelled at, in fact she tells him off as well. Ana says she’s very fond of Taylor but doesn’t appreciate being scolded by him. Dude. The guy is passing on a message from his boss, who pays him to do such things. No need to be a bitch about it.

But in Analand there is always a need for drama. It’s like the need for speed, but with drama. She has a nama for drama. Then suddenly Ana rethinks her actions and feels sorry…for Christian. Why is she causing drama when he has other things to worry about?

Well honey it’s because you’re an immature, selfish, baby. You can’t help it, much like Jessica Rabbit, you’re just drawn that way.

Christian then calls her to cuss her out for pissing him off, but she acts all cutesy and whispery and begs him not to be mad. It works, and he tells her just to be careful in the future. Suddenly everyone is happy again and Ana’s off to shop.

But first! First! Ana needs to ‘fire up’ her Blackberry and fucking email Christian with whom she just got off the goddamn phone! Why the hell isn’t she using BBM? Why email when Blackberry has its very own proprietary instant message system? Or even text messaging for God’s Sake. What 20-something in the 2010’s uses email?
She thanks Christian for not being too angry, and his reaction is basically:

“His response makes me smile.”

Ana, once again, is happy at the results of kicking her own personal wasp nest. Mission accomplished! So now that that’s done, she realises she doesn’t actually want to go shopping. In fact she hates shopping. So this whole debacle was for the single purpose of making Christian angry because she likes it when he’s angry.

But now she’s committed to shopping so shop she does. She buys a cheap jingly ankle bracelet, to help her feel more connected to her white trash roots. She says, “This is me…” yeah, cheap and kinda crappy. The jokes, they write themselves.

Then Ana goes off looking for something to buy for Christian to take his mind off his problems. She has an idea! (I know, unlikely) Ana decides to call Jose for advice. She tells José how great things are, and like everyone in this book Jose is mad. They never really had a proper love triangle going, but José still acts like a jilted lover. Ana goes on to explain her plan which involves Christian taking naked pictures of her. I’m sure José just fucking loved that. But we’ll never know because we skip over the most interesting part of the conversation.

Ana buys the camera and heads back to the boat. She finds Christian and has a brief pang of fear because he looks mad! I have to say that if you are afraid of your significant other every time he or she is mad then maybe that’s not love. I’m just saying.

Christian unwraps the present and is confused because he already has a camera. Ana has to spell out that it is a special camera. For taking portraits. Of Ana. Naked.

Christian is horrified! Naked pictures?! Of Ana?!

Christmas Christmas Eve animated GIF

“Why do you think I want this?” he asks Ana. He is seriously, genuinely confused. He gapes, looks, pained, scrunches up his eyes. I think the over reacting in this scene has given me cancer.

He whispers, “I’m so confused.” Suddenly Ana is whispering too. Christian explains that when he takes pictures of women it is so he can objectify them, and he doesn’t want to do that to Ana. Do actual people ever talk that way? I suspect that they don’t. And if they do they should stop doing that right now. Because it’s fucking weird.

There’s more wailing and gnashing of teeth, until Ana gives up trying to understand it which is probably for the best. She tells Christian that she is going to objectify him and starts taking pictures. Then for no apparent reason they have a tickle fight and crazy unrealistic makeup sex.

Then all logic and reason, and storytelling get thrown out the window. Not just thrown out the window, but also stomped on and possibly set on fire. For no real reason they snuggle and recite their wedding vows. The whole thing. People do that all the time right? Then Ana starts crying, also for no reason. Then Christian decides now is the time to reveal that THEY are after him, and THEY may in fact be after Ana too. Who the fuck are they?!

Then Christian also reveals that he has gone to the police about the fire. Holy fuck this is serious, dudes, because Christian has dealt with every other problem personally, even the time when his ex tried to kill Ana.

Then suddenly they are at Versailles and Ana makes sure to insult Christian by pointing out that this is the sort of thing ‘despotic megalomaniacs’ do for their wives. Hint hint. She isn’t doing so well keeping herself rooted is she? Get this woman another cheap bracelet, STAT.

Then they are back on the boat, and Christian has work to do. I am fucking amazed because Ana has discovered Skype chat! She can talk to Kate without freaking email! She did it! I’m so proud. *sniff*

Their exchange doesn’t seem to have any point. I’m not sure why it is even there. Kate asks about the fire, and Ana can’t talk about it and she tells Kate as much. No. Not really. She changes the subject and calls it her “patented distract-tenacious-Kavanough technique.” Kate is sooo tenacious in her quest for answers that she can’t be bothered to ask again. But Ana still thinks to herself, “Trust Kate to be on the trail of this story.” Yeah, that was some next level investigative detectivising that Kate just did there. Asking about a thing. Once. And then dropping it. Yeah.

And then we are at Versailles again. Christian tucks Ana’s hair behind her ear and then walks away all emo-like. As he is leaving Ana notices he has NO REFLECTION. Like all magical…um…billionaires. Then Ana wakes up. For fucks sake it was a dream. In case you weren’t clued in by Ana waking up, Christian turns over and tells us it was a dream.

It was a dream, people! A dream!

We end chapter 4 in bed, having woken from a dream. Maybe this whole thing will have been a dream? Maybe Ana will wake up into a well written story? We’ll find out in chapter 5, when I read 50 Shades so you don’t have to.