Take a Cruise on the Rub Boat in Chapter 4 of 50 Shades Freed

Back on the Rub Boat Ana is booooooored! Cruising the French coast in a super awesome yacht gets old reeeaalllll fast. Apparently. Besides, Christian has been TCB for like a whole hour and hasn’t been available for either soap opera drama games or sex. Jerk.

Never mind that Christian is taking calls about the fire in his office, and whether it was you know, arson, all that matters is Ana and her boredom. So, she decides to stir up some shit. She goes off to find Taylor and ask him to give her the jet ski so she can go ashore for some shopping.

Knowing what a crazy weirdo Christian is, and knowing that his job depends on keeping him happy, naturally Taylor is reluctant. Ana tells Taylor she will clear it with Christian. She bursts into Christian’s office on the sea and forces him to hang up on whoever it is he’s talking to. She announces that she is going shopping and that it’s OK because she’s taking security. Knowing Christian will say no, she doesn’t bother to ask about the jet ski.

Ana then lies to Taylor about permission to take the jet ski and off she goes. We spend nearly 2 pages detailing just how delicious Ana’s illicit use of the jet ski is. Christian emerges on deck and is horrified to see Ana having, you know, FUN without him. When Ana finally gets to shore she can see from their faces that the security team has gotten an angry phone call from Christian.

Taylor tells her that Christian isn’t comfortable with her riding the jet ski. Ana is notably not sorry at all for getting Taylor yelled at, in fact she tells him off as well. Ana says she’s very fond of Taylor but doesn’t appreciate being scolded by him. Dude. The guy is passing on a message from his boss, who pays him to do such things. No need to be a bitch about it.

But in Analand there is always a need for drama. It’s like the need for speed, but with drama. She has a nama for drama. Then suddenly Ana rethinks her actions and feels sorry…for Christian. Why is she causing drama when he has other things to worry about?

Well honey it’s because you’re an immature, selfish, baby. You can’t help it, much like Jessica Rabbit, you’re just drawn that way.

Christian then calls her to cuss her out for pissing him off, but she acts all cutesy and whispery and begs him not to be mad. It works, and he tells her just to be careful in the future. Suddenly everyone is happy again and Ana’s off to shop.

But first! First! Ana needs to ‘fire up’ her Blackberry and fucking email Christian with whom she just got off the goddamn phone! Why the hell isn’t she using BBM? Why email when Blackberry has its very own proprietary instant message system? Or even text messaging for God’s Sake. What 20-something in the 2010’s uses email?
She thanks Christian for not being too angry, and his reaction is basically:

“His response makes me smile.”

Ana, once again, is happy at the results of kicking her own personal wasp nest. Mission accomplished! So now that that’s done, she realises she doesn’t actually want to go shopping. In fact she hates shopping. So this whole debacle was for the single purpose of making Christian angry because she likes it when he’s angry.

But now she’s committed to shopping so shop she does. She buys a cheap jingly ankle bracelet, to help her feel more connected to her white trash roots. She says, “This is me…” yeah, cheap and kinda crappy. The jokes, they write themselves.

Then Ana goes off looking for something to buy for Christian to take his mind off his problems. She has an idea! (I know, unlikely) Ana decides to call Jose for advice. She tells José how great things are, and like everyone in this book Jose is mad. They never really had a proper love triangle going, but José still acts like a jilted lover. Ana goes on to explain her plan which involves Christian taking naked pictures of her. I’m sure José just fucking loved that. But we’ll never know because we skip over the most interesting part of the conversation.

Ana buys the camera and heads back to the boat. She finds Christian and has a brief pang of fear because he looks mad! I have to say that if you are afraid of your significant other every time he or she is mad then maybe that’s not love. I’m just saying.

Christian unwraps the present and is confused because he already has a camera. Ana has to spell out that it is a special camera. For taking portraits. Of Ana. Naked.

Christian is horrified! Naked pictures?! Of Ana?!

Christmas Christmas Eve animated GIF

“Why do you think I want this?” he asks Ana. He is seriously, genuinely confused. He gapes, looks, pained, scrunches up his eyes. I think the over reacting in this scene has given me cancer.

He whispers, “I’m so confused.” Suddenly Ana is whispering too. Christian explains that when he takes pictures of women it is so he can objectify them, and he doesn’t want to do that to Ana. Do actual people ever talk that way? I suspect that they don’t. And if they do they should stop doing that right now. Because it’s fucking weird.

There’s more wailing and gnashing of teeth, until Ana gives up trying to understand it which is probably for the best. She tells Christian that she is going to objectify him and starts taking pictures. Then for no apparent reason they have a tickle fight and crazy unrealistic makeup sex.

Then all logic and reason, and storytelling get thrown out the window. Not just thrown out the window, but also stomped on and possibly set on fire. For no real reason they snuggle and recite their wedding vows. The whole thing. People do that all the time right? Then Ana starts crying, also for no reason. Then Christian decides now is the time to reveal that THEY are after him, and THEY may in fact be after Ana too. Who the fuck are they?!

Then Christian also reveals that he has gone to the police about the fire. Holy fuck this is serious, dudes, because Christian has dealt with every other problem personally, even the time when his ex tried to kill Ana.

Then suddenly they are at Versailles and Ana makes sure to insult Christian by pointing out that this is the sort of thing ‘despotic megalomaniacs’ do for their wives. Hint hint. She isn’t doing so well keeping herself rooted is she? Get this woman another cheap bracelet, STAT.

Then they are back on the boat, and Christian has work to do. I am fucking amazed because Ana has discovered Skype chat! She can talk to Kate without freaking email! She did it! I’m so proud. *sniff*

Their exchange doesn’t seem to have any point. I’m not sure why it is even there. Kate asks about the fire, and Ana can’t talk about it and she tells Kate as much. No. Not really. She changes the subject and calls it her “patented distract-tenacious-Kavanough technique.” Kate is sooo tenacious in her quest for answers that she can’t be bothered to ask again. But Ana still thinks to herself, “Trust Kate to be on the trail of this story.” Yeah, that was some next level investigative detectivising that Kate just did there. Asking about a thing. Once. And then dropping it. Yeah.

And then we are at Versailles again. Christian tucks Ana’s hair behind her ear and then walks away all emo-like. As he is leaving Ana notices he has NO REFLECTION. Like all magical…um…billionaires. Then Ana wakes up. For fucks sake it was a dream. In case you weren’t clued in by Ana waking up, Christian turns over and tells us it was a dream.

It was a dream, people! A dream!

We end chapter 4 in bed, having woken from a dream. Maybe this whole thing will have been a dream? Maybe Ana will wake up into a well written story? We’ll find out in chapter 5, when I read 50 Shades so you don’t have to.

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