Chapter 5 of Fifty Shades Freed Cuts to the Chase

Chapter 5 starts off slowly. Ana wakes up and Christian is gone. She proclaims, “shit” for no reason, as it turns out Christian is right there in a chair next to the bed. But drama queens gotta drahm. Or whatever. All of a sudden Ana’s super worried about the arson and the sabotage. I guess it took her this long to process it? Because Ana spent the whole of last chapter stirring up drama because she was bored, while Christian was holed up with his  phone dealing with the fire situation.

Christian tells Ana she has been talking in her sleep. Ana asks him what she said, but he refuses to tell her. Of course he does. Do they ever reveal what’s been said? Nope. But suddenly they are happy again. Christian smiles and it reminds Ana that he is really just a boy. A 28 year old boy. So…a grown man. A man approaching his middle years, in fact. Oh well, you know, potato potahto.

Ana tells us that her honeymoon is over, and she’s whiny about going back and having to work. Even though Christian has told her multiple times that she needn’t work. And she has insisted multiple times that she *wants* to. So…you know.

Ana reflects on what a blissful honeymoon they have had. Except for all the fights and drama. Those don’t count. Ana tells us, “that’s normal for a newly married couple.” LOL, nope. Newly married couples, at least happy ones, don’t fight that much on their honeymoon. There’s plenty of time for bickering and petty drama later. So much time.

They go for a last ride on the jet ski, or as it should by all rights be called, the boatercycle. Christian lets Ana drive but wears a life jacket (which he normally doesn’t do) to show how much he trusts her. Ana is miffed and pays him back by crashing the jet ski. A jet plane ‘startles’ her by landing at the nearby airport. Damn jet planes, always sneaking up on people, all quiet like…Christian panics at the thought of Ana drowning and Ana is “elated” at his over-reaction.

Then suddenly they are at Heathrow Airport waiting for a connecting flight. What the hell happened to Christian’s private jet? He took the damn jet to stalk Ana to her mother’s house, why would he not take it on vacation?! We’ll never know. We stay at the airport just long enough for Christian to swear to the heavens that with God as his witness he will have the arsonist caught and out of their lives.

Then we time jump ahead to the car, just as Christian and Ana arrive home. Ana insists she hasn’t slept in over 18 hours in the same breath as telling us that Christian is waking her up to go inside. Christian insists on carrying Ana over the threshold, but makes sure to mention how fat she has gotten.

They meet security inside the lobby. I’m confused. Several someones have tried to kill both members of our crappy couple on multiple occasions. Security had to escort them all over Europe, they had to shadow Ana on the jet ski, they were an open presence on the yacht, but they let our crappy couple take a commercial flight with a substantial layover ALL BY THEMSELVES. Because criminal acts never happen on airplanes. Apparently the security team is headed up by Patrick Star.

After Christian has dismissed security, he mentions again that Ana has gained weight. He goes all emo and distant. If you are new to this griping tale, this happens often. Ana finally makes him admit that it makes him think of all the weight Ana lost while they were broken up (between books one and two). Now keep in mind that they broke up for, like, a solid week. Seven days. And the whole time Ana claims to have subsisted on copious numbers of flavoured lattes. Flavoured lattes aren’t known for their weight loss properties. Trust me. She did not lose any weight.

They make out in the elevator, because they always make out in the elevator. It’s a thing they do. An annoying thing. Christian assures Ana that he still loves her even though she’s fat now. Ana tells him she is tired but Christian isn’t interested in that. He makes her stay up to drink champagne and then it’s business time. Which we skip. Because who wants to read about that kind of smut?!?!?!

Later Ana wakes before Christian, she watches him sleep and wonders who could possibly want to harm him. She can’t think of anyone. Not Elena, Christian’s former best friend and business partner? Not her ex-boss Jack? Not Ghost Girl who tried to kill Ana once already? Nope. Ana can’t think of anyone.

Christian wakes up and we skip over more sex, because now they are married, and this is a respectable book not some piece of smut!!

Not now, anyway!

We time jump ahead again and they are in the car going to the Grey mansion for lunchie-poo. Ana is cranky. She asks if she can drive the Audi, and Christian says, sure. Buuut if she dents it she will be punished. Ana is furious (even though she likes the spanky spanky) and threatens to make him sleep in the car if he loves it so much. Christian tells Ana how frustrating she is, and she smirks at him. “I’m trying,” he says. Yes you are. You are both sooo trying.

Then lunch! Elliot (Christian’s brother) mentions the architect, Gia, and Ana is immediately over come with jealously because Gia is prettier than her. That gets old really fast. It would be nice if Christian could talk to one woman, or if Ana could talk to one man without the whole thing devolving into bitterness and petty jealousy.

After lunch Christian plays the piano and sings. Everyone stops and hangs their mouths open because Christian has never done that. Christian’s mother hugs Ana and thanks her for fixing her broken son, and then retreats to another room to cry.

Ana goes over to Christian and makes him promise to spank her, which she was mad about on the way to lunch, but whatever. In return, Christian lets her drive the car home. On the way home, security is back! And just in time because they are being followed!

Ana engages in an stunt-expert level high speed car chase, and never once crashes into anything, She weaves in and out of traffic at speeds upwards of 100 miles per hour “like a black piece in a game of checkers,” Whatever that might mean.

After many interjections (mostly “Shit!” and “Jeez!”) Ana loses their pursuers and hides in a parking lot. Ana is terrified until she realises that car chases are super hot! They have sex in the car which is mercifully short and sweet. And which (of course) no one sees. I mean, if they got caught it would complicate the storyline, but in a realistic believable way. Can’t have that!

Christian goes so far as to say that he would never let anyone watch his wife come. As if he had some control over who is in the parking lot. Does he? He is pretty rich. Maybe he paid some dude to pretend to follow them, and then cordoned off the parking lot so they could have sex. Yuck.

“Car sex!” Ana exclaims randomly. Christian responds that he’d better drive. Yeah. That’s a good idea.

They get home and Christian wants to fuck on the hood of the car, but somebody else has the nerve to be in the parking lot. It’s almost as if they lived in an apartment building full of other people! Gross. The other person follows them to the magical sex elevator and they are pissed that they can’t make out. Finally they get to the penthouse and Ana begs him for some rough sex. Which she hates. Except when she doesn’t.

Christian is thrilled because that’s exactly what he likes, but he makes it sound like he’s doing Ana a favour. But thank Chthulu, we don’t get subjected to that yet, as chapter 5 is now officially over.

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