Chapter 6 of 50 Shades Freed: the Surprise Ending You Can See Coming 100 Miles Away

We ended chapter 5 with some Zapp Brannigan-style eyebrow waggling. Ana wants some sex, and Christian is toooootallllly willing to oblige. Ohhhhh yeaaaahhhh! Ana wants some rough sex really badly but can’t figure out why.

“I don’t understand,” She thinks.

I know Ana, those urges down there can be confusing.

Christian asks her what she wants, but she doesn’t really have a good idea of what aforementioned rough sex might entail.

Christian tries to prompt her, thusly: “Kinky fuckery?

Ana agrees but still doesn’t really know what that means.

“Carte blanche?” he asks again, trying in vain to get her to say something.

Well it doesn’t work. Ana tells him to surprise her. Seriously. It is probably the least sexy exchange I have ever had the displeasure of reading. So, Ana wants some rough sex from the self-proclaimed king of BDSM. She gives him permission to do whatever thing he wants and in fact tells him to surprise her. So the ensuing sex scene must be pretty fucking hot right?


Oh God. So so wrong.

They sashay up to the playroom, and Ana gets in the spirit of things by reflecting that Christian’s servants have to clean the playroom. She’s kinda grossed out by that, but she gets over it because she is soo stoked for the surprise kinky fuckery.

Christian “orders” her to undress and she “obeys”. OK, so far so good, I guess. Ana looks at the riding crop and the flogger and wonders eagerly if Christian will use those.

Christian kneels down and takes a big whiff of her crotch and says how much he likes it. Oh. Okay. Ana is over the moon. Over. The. Moon.

“He’s just so…naughty.” Um…sure. That’s super naughty. I guess. In Wonder-White-Bread-Land.

Well, to make a dumb story short, there’s a whole long over-dramatic lead up where Christian makes Ana turn around so she doesn’t ruin the surprise. The surprise turns out to be a butt plug. They have sex while Ana wears a butt plug down there. At least this time it’s heavily implied that it is actually in her butt. Not like last time.

Also Christian smacks her on the butt a couple of times.

That’s it.

For some reason Ana’s orgasm involves spinning around and around, which is…not…regular. But not really BDSM-y either. I mean, she isn’t tied to some kind of Spanish Inquisition style spinning device. She’s just lying on a table.

To make matters worse they lay around afterwards and congratulate each other on being so supremely kinky and deviant. Seriously. Then in practically the next breath, Ana is almost too shy to ask Christian if he will wear a specific pair of jeans that he looks good in.

Ana’s good time is ruined by the sudden realisation that Christian’s staff has to clean the butt plug. Ana brings it up with Christian but he distracts her with a bath. They snuggle in the bath and try to piss each other off. Ana brings up Sawyer, who has utterly failed at being head security guy. Christian retaliates by mentioning Gia, the architect. They both end the bath cranky.

After the bath, Ana is so horrified at the thought of the staff cleaning their sex toys, that she sneaks back to the playroom to hide the butt plug from the maid. On the way back to the bedroom, Ana evesdrops on Christian as he yells at Sawyer. Ms Jones, the maid, catches her and she hurries back to the bedroom, where she cleans the butt plug in the ensuite bathroom.

An unspecified amount of time later, Ana is in the library supposedly doing work. She reflects on how much she does not want to go back, and also on how bad it looks that she is married to the boss. After about one half of a second of non-specific work, Ana decides to look at their honeymoon photos instead. Ana is shocked to find Christian has taken so many pictures of her, including a picture of Ana sucking her thumb.

You heard me right.

She sucks. Her. Thumb.

Ana sees some pictures of Christian and suddenly gets all emo. What if something happens to Christian? What if ‘they’ get him? She has to go to him this very instant. Ana bursts into his office and sits on his lap while he is on the phone trying to sort out his security ‘problem.’

Christian is having one of his tech guys go over the security cam footage from the office. They do the old zoom and enhance thing that all the old lady crime shows do but which is actually not possible in real life. They take a low resolution, pixelly frame from the security cam and enhance it to a crystal clear image.

Ye olden Zoome and Enhance-e reveals a surprising surprise! A shocking shock! A revealing revelation even! The person who set the fire in Christian’s office is none other than Ana’s old boss Jack! The Half-Assed Avenger returneth!

What ill thought out mayhem will he get up to this time? Will there be an epic 16  bit boss fight? Find out next time when I read 50 Shades so you don’t have to.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s