Ch. 8 of 50 Shades Freed Will Wash Your Brain Right Out of Your Head

Chapter 8 is all about long, drawn out, loving descriptions of things that I just couldn’t give a damn about. Well, I *could* give a damn. I could go out, buy a nice moderately priced damn, put it in a box with a big bow and yell, “Surprise! I’m giving you a damn, I hope you like it!”

But I’m not going to. And you can’t make me.

give-a-damn

We spend the first long paragraph lovingly describing Gia Matteo, the architect. The one who Ana hates with a vengeance. The take away is that Gia is gorgeous, over-coiffed, and dressed kinda slutty. But that’s OK! Ana is similarly underdressed. In fact, in Ana’s mind it is a competition. A life or death gladiatorial competition in which she and Gia are locked in mortal combat over the ultimate prize – Christian Grey and his love/money/billionaire powers. Ana’s various personalities are outfitted in gladiator outfits and parade around ancient Roman-type arenas. In Ana’s head of course. This whole thing is in Ana’s head.

Its-All-In-Your-Head-Alice

Outside Ana’s head is a different story. Gia has given absolutely no indication that she is interested in Christian other than as the client. Ana claims Gia’s heels are too high and her blouse is undone too far, but Ana hasn’t proven to be the most reliable narrator. It seems pretty clear that Ana is just pathologically jealous.

Ana looks down Gia’s blouse, and then Gia looks down Ana’s blouse. The two women lock eyes and blush. And somehow this doesn’t turn into a super hot threesome. Because what kind of dirty filth did you think you were reading?! This is a wholesome tale of the healing power of true love, not some kind of crass mommy porn.

Pervert

So in theory, our crappy couple is meeting with Gia to discuss renovations of the house that Christian bought. And that sorta happens. Ana is lost in a sea of jealousy: she thinks about how annoying Christian is but she really loves him right now when there is a romantic rival in the room. Nope. That’s just jealousy. Ana has zero self awareness.

Ana talks down to Gia and condescends to her, all while pawing Christian mercilessly and obviously. Christian is both confused and vaguely amused. Ana gets more agitated as the meeting progresses. She internally starts calling Gia a bitch and gears up for a fight. Ana is furious that Gia looks to Christian for final confirmation of the architectural plans. Furious!

Yes Ana, that bitch is clearly trying to steal your man, there’s no other possible reason for her to double check the plans with the guy who hired her and who is paying the bill. None. That Ana can understand anyway.

Then, luckily for Ana, and unluckily for Gia, Taylor interrupts and asks to speak with Christian privately. They have some serious MacGuffins that need to be dealt with immediately. Christian is like, “whatevs,’ and tells Gia just to do whatever Ana says while he’s gone.

Ana takes the opportunity to massively, gloriously lose it on Gia. She harangues Gia with accusations and threats. Ana knows Gia is trying to steal her man and if she doesn’t lay off she is fired. Fired.

CatFight

She tells us that Gia is stunned. And that all the blood drains from her face. Ana thinks it is because Gia has been caught out. But, as written, Gia seems to have no idea what Ana is talking about and she says as much. I personally think it is because Gia has realised just how crazy Ana actually is, and that she is now trapped alone in a room with her.

Gia tries to defuse the tension:

“Mrs. Grey, I sincerely apologize if you think…I have –“

Gia finally distracts Ana by getting her to talk about the plans, but now Gia is ‘nervous’ and ‘breathless’. Ana is thrilled to have won this round against the forces of imaginary evil. She “celebrat[es] her inner bitch.”

YUBitch

Of course Gia scuttles out as soon as she can, and Christian asks Ana what she did to Gia. Ana refuses to tell him. She does mention that Gia wants to get in his pants, and it makes Christian all emo. Why does everyone love his beautiful face!? Why must he be cursed with this damnable attractiveness?!

For the love of God, why?! Whhhyyyyyy?!

He then scolds Ana for being such a green jealous monster. Ana admits that she is just in a bad mood because of the whole emotional blackmail thing about her last name. No biggie. Way to take it out on the hired help though.

Ana asks Christian if he would change his last name to Steele so that everyone would know that he is her property (which is what he is asking of her). Christian is mortified. Of course he would change his name for Ana!!!! Why would she think otherwise?! But he isn’t going to. Ana is going to change hers.

Oh Christian! You and your Vulcan logic!

VulcanLogic

How can Ana argue against that? I think she ought to have insisted. But she doesn’t – she’s already gotten all her frustrations out on Gia. Then, Ana goes briefly into emo mode as well and tells Christian, “I never knew I’d love this way…this…indelibly.”

Yeah, hold onto the Sharpie Marker of Love ™ baby, because you’ve been together all of 6 months. And a love this nutty is bound to burn out fast. Get back to me about the deep ground-in ink-spill of your love on your 50th anniversary.

Then, abruptly, Christian declares that he has an idea. “Oh, what kinky fuckery is this?” Ana thinks.

HomerFacepalm

No Ana an ‘idea’ isn’t Cosmo’s newest hawt secks move for sexing your “down theres.” An ‘idea’ is something people have when they “think” with their “brains.” Don’t worry Ana you wouldn’t be familiar with that sort of thing.

Christian’s idea is this: he needs a haircut, and that Ana must provide it. He does co-own a hair salon with evil Mrs. Robinson, but Ana won’t let him near it. So I guess that explains it? As much as anything is ever logically explained in Crazy Burning Jealousy/Love Land? Plus, Christian says, it will make him feel “cherished.”

Oh look at the time!

As per the norm, Ana suddenly remembers that she has been cutting her stepfather’s hair for years and in fact is quite accomplished at it. It’s funny how she “forgets” little details like that until they are relevant. I’m sure if fully costumed ninjas showed up Ana would suddenly have a black belt in several assorted martial arts that she had also “forgotten.”

Then we spend five and a half pages lovingly describing the act of washing Christian’s hair. Well, Ana does wash it twice, so I guess that takes time but 5 ½ pages? Argh. Ana bends and stretches and plops her boobs in Christian’s face. Christian tells her to stop existing at him or his hair will never get cut!

Well, Ana stubbornly refuses to stop existing and so they do in fact have sex. Christian announces that he is going to fuck her “seven shades of Sunday” which isn’t even how the expression goes. But I guess he’s buttered his bread, and now he has to lie on it. He then follows up his pronouncement by asking “Oh, what shall I do to you?”

But…but…you just said! Aren’t you going to? I thought you were? What the fuck man!

They do eventually have sex, and Christian tells her to keep still damnit! All that moving around is sooo distracting! It’s almost like there’s another actual person he has to interact with. Yuck! Well, she isn’t still enough so he ties her hands with her panties.

MLPStupid

Wait. Just…how big are these panties? That they could be used like that? Or are they all string? I’m confused. That’s OK, so is Ana. Christian tells her that he is going to fuck her breasts one day (but not today. Dear god no, not today). “What the hell does that mean?” She asks herself.

Oh well, she is a college graduate who never owned a computer, and so has been denied the wonders of Google Image search all these years. Those nuns she was pretty clearly raised by were very strict. And her imagination is clearly busted.

There’s the usual whirling and spinning, and hissing and floating away and then both of them orgasm and burst out crying. Ana reflects that even if Christian is a total controlling asshole, the sex is still good and that makes everything better.

RedFlag

Red flag. Status: Ignored.

Afterwards Ana wanders around the apartment mostly naked and sees Taylor and the maid kissing. She is shocked. She had no idea they were people with lives and feelings of their own. She hasn’t reached that stage of development yet. I’m a bit confused, as I thought Taylor had a family, but it turns out he only has a daughter who appeared fully formed from nowhere. Taylor catches Ana in her undies, and everyone is super embarrassed, except Christian, who is mad. Damn right. Why didn’t Taylor gouge his own eyes out rather than see Ana? Just because she was walking around in plain sight like that…

After all this crap, Christian does get that haircut, and it is perfect – totally up to the high end salon standard that Christian is used to. Uh. Huh. Sure.

Colour me skeptical.

Later in bed, Ana tries to convince Christian that a little lady like her couldn’t possibly run a great big company like he wants her to. She bats her eyelashes and points out that it will take up all the time she could be devoting to him.

StopBeingStpid

Christian laughs it off and tells her that proper rich people just hire other people to do all the work, and save the fun parts for themselves. And that that is obviously what she should do.

Ana, seeing that she is going to lose this argument, suggests to Christian that she might like to tie him up and have a little sexy fun time with him. Christian is mortified. He will have NO PART of that sort of thing. It’s sick and wrong. He practically has a panic attack, and Ana feels so bad that she has sex with him to smooth over her faux pas.

We yadda yadda over the second round of sex and that’s where we end.  Will Christian still be angry next chapter? Will be we scandalised by the revelation that other characters have lives and feelings? Will Jack the Half Assed Avenger finally DO SOMETHING? I don’t even know. Or care.

See you next time. Maybe.

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