Chapter 9: Anastasia Steele and the Surprising Lack of Plot Development

Well I made it through chapter 9 of Fifty Shades Freed. And it was hard. Sooo hard.

SoHard

There were several points where I stopped paying attention and had to go back and re-read it. It was that gripping.

We ended chapter 8 with a sexy fade-out: chapter 9 starts the next morning because no one is reading this book for the sex. Christian and Ana wake up all snuggly like static-y socks in a dryer. Ana thinks about how clingy Christian is. “He is so needy on some level,” she thinks. That level is the one we call “the surface.

Crazy

They untangle themselves and make innuendoes while Christian strips for a shower. Eventually the innuendo is too much and Christian grabs Ana by the feet, hauls her bodily to the end of the bed and they Sex. It. Up. Except we skip that part.

NoSex

So really they could be doing anything. Maybe Christian is going to give Ana a pedicure and then play a game of naked Scrabble while talking in muppet voices. There’s really no way to know.

Then it’s breakfast! Ana can’t look Mrs. Jones or Taylor in the face as she is still unsettled from last chapter’s revelation that they are also people with lives. Christian and Ana argue over breakfast – Christian orders her to eat, as she didn’t eat the day before. Ana says she only refused to eat because Christian was being an “arse.” Lingo that all twenty-something American girls use. It’s healthy and sweet how Ana uses the threat of starving herself as a weapon against Christian.

No wait, not healthy. I meant pathological.

CrazyPpl

The only information of interest here is:

(1) Christian’s announcement that he is going to New York later in the week and wants Ana to come with. She refuses, as she has to work. Christian assures her he can convince the boss to give her the time off (he is the boss, in case you’d forgotten). Ana refuses. She’s already grown tired of traveling around with him everywhere.

(2) Ana’s announcement that she found Christian’s gun. Christian tells her it belongs to Leila and he is just holding it for her. It becomes clear that Christian knows nothing about guns, and Ana insists that she teach Christian how to shoot with it. Christian adamantly refuses.

So. A gun has been introduced and made much of. Somebody had damn well better get shot after all that fuss.

They argue about the gun again on the way to work. Christian assures Ana it is OK because Leila is on the other side of the continent. So there’s no one to use the gun. No one. Does he think only Leila can fire it? Is it some kind of futuristic Ray gun with a DNA lock so only Leila can use it? Whatever.

Then there are SEVEN pages of emails. 7. They are apart for 2 hours, maybe less and they need to send seven pages of email back and forth. The gist of the emails is “I love you; I miss you: you hang up; no, you hang up!” I was very tempted to skip over them. Very tempted.

Boring

But it is good that I didn’t, because somewhere in the middle of them we suddenly time skip to Thursday and Christian is on the plane to the Big Apple.

Ana “fires up” her computer to email Christian. How much “firing up” does a top of the line computer need to do in 2012? Wouldn’t she just open the lid? Maybe it’s her work computer? It isn’t clear. But even then, who turns off work computers?

Ana is excited that Christian is gone so she can go out and have a drink with Kate. She hasn’t seen Kate since she got married. Her best friend. Christian is angry when he finds out they are going for drinks, and orders Ana to stay home. He swears it is only until Jack is apprehended. That’s what he said about Leila too, but somehow there is always another lunatic waiting in the wings to force Ana to never ever go anywhere.

HmmmmCat

Funny huh? It’s almost as if Christian were paying someone to create bogus reasons for Ana to be a prisoner in his house. We’ve already established that he is rich enough and crazy enough.

Ana replies that it’s only one drink. Then the phone rings. It is Christian ordering her to stay in. Ana solemnly promises to stay in. Then they play an actual game of “You hang up.” Then just to top it off Christian emails *again* to reiterate that he is totally serious – Ana is not going out.

But then Kate shows up. She insists that Ana is coming with her out for one drink and off Ana goes…like the spineless jellyfish that she is. The security team grumbles because Christian has told them that Ana is forbidden to go out. Ana tells them off, and goes out with Kate. We are supposed to be impressed with Ana’s new found assertiveness – Ana tells us so. But really Ana just does whatever the people around her tell her to do. That’s not assertive at all. It’s the other thing.

Jellyfishgif

So off to the club they go for their one drink. Which turns into five because Ana has no willpower and does whatever Kate tells her.

Once they are drunk Kate tells her how the additional security is driving Christian’s family batty. Ana had no idea that the whole family was under tightened security but she tries to play along. She fails. We find out that the very next day after identifying Jack, the whole Grey family had tripled their security. And this has something to do with whatever Jack had stored on his work computer. The one they confiscated back when they fired him.

Of course Ana is livid that she didn’t know these things. But really she has been to busy playing house with Christian.

Nuthouse

Ana changes the subject to something she does know about – hating Gia. It turns out that Kate also hates Gia and for even more tenuous reasons than Ana. Gia once dated Elliot (Kate’s bf and Christian’s brother) before Elliot met Kate. That whore! Dating a man who Kate will later date as well! She’s like some kind of timey wimey retroactive home wrecker! Kate and Ana clink glasses and congratulate each other on being such catty bitches.

The conversation moves to the topic of guns, and how weirdly anti-gun Christian and his brother are. Then Kate announces that Ana and Christian got married so fast that “everyone” thought Ana was pregnant. Does that happen anymore? The story isn’t set in 1950? Is it? Did I miss that? I guess so.

Then all of a sudden it is ten-fifteen and Ana tells us she is drunk off her fourth strawberry mojito. She’s had four drinks since she finished work at 5? That was 5 hours ago. Like as in not even one drink an hour. And she’s loaded?

Kiddingme

Kate tells Ana it’s been great getting loaded and that Ana looks great. “Marriage obviously agrees with you,” she says. It’s funny. And by funny I mean highly irritating that Ana looks so wonderful now that she is properly married and not living in sin like a filthy whore. Because before the marriage, when she and Christian were just dating, Kate made sure to point out how thin and haggard and terrible Ana looked EVERY TIME THEY MET.

Yeah. 1950 is on the phone. It wants its morality back.

The two girls get all drunk-ass and weepy on each other. They looooove each other maaaannnn. Sooooo much.

LoveYouMan

Ana drunkenly insults the security team and tells Kate that Christian will be mad that they went out when he said not to. Kate asks, “Why are you grinning like a loon, Ana? You like making Christian mad?”

Ana says no. She says no. NO. Yeah. She loves making him mad. Loves it. She does it on purpose. And she lies about it. Great lady. I love ‘er.

They drop Kate off, and they drunkenly hug. As Kate leaves Ana realises that Kate is fun and Christian is boring. She dreads being stuck at boring charity function after boring charity function with Christian. She checks her phone and sees that Christian has been calling her all night and she hasn’t been answering. She frantically tries to call but now he isn’t picking up. Because he has the maturity of a 2 year old.

She checks her email – Christian has written to tell her just how angry he is. And not to bother calling because Taylor has already ratted her out. Ana says her “heart sinks.” Yeah. No it doesn’t. He’s mad and that’s the way she likes it.

Ana and the Keystone cops pull up at the penthouse and they ride the elevator in awkward silence. In case you’ve been as bored as I was by these non-happenings you are about to be shocked! Shocked I say! Well, not shocked but mildly piqued. Or vaguely interested. Maybe.

Waldo

The elevator doors open upon a huge staggering plot twist. Staggering! One which justifies Ana’s “disobeying” Christian’s orders. Justifying! The foyer is trashed. Sawyer goes running and leaves Ana behind in the elevator. After some swearing and struggling they call Ana out. The security guys are all roughed up and at their feet?! It’s Jack – the Half Assed Avenger.

KoalaSurprise

The end. Next time: chapter 10. Laters baby.

Gross.

I just gave myself the willies.

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