Chapter 10 of 50 Shades Runs Cold and Colder

As we open chapter 10 Ana stands, dumbstruck, looking at her ex-boss crumpled on the ground. The Keystone Cops Security Dude Ryan assures her that Jack isn’t dead, just unconscious. Ana is relieved. I’m not sure why. He’s tried to kill her several times and tried to rape her sooo…she’s glad that he is alive to try again another day?

WTF

Suddenly Ana remembers that other people exist. She is worried for Mrs. Jones, the maid. But it’s okay because Mrs. Jones was in the panic room that Ana only just now remembered that they had built. Apparently Christian had it built sometime between their engagement and the wedding, in between books 2 and 3. It’s a good thing Ana remembered it just exactly when it became convenient to the narrative! Phew!

Then Ryan wastes all our time by recapping the events of Jack’s failed plan. If Jack was any kind of supervillain, he’d wake up and fill us in himself. The security guys caught him coming up the service elevator dressed up as a workman. They let Jack in despite seeing right through his lame disguise, because they wanted the opportunity to beat the everliking heck out of him.

Jack’s turned out to be a disappointing super villain, hasn’t he? Like, a Super-Disappointing Villain. Despite talking the Villain-monologue talk, he doesn’t walk the supervillain-diabolical-scheme walk. His evil schemes have been uninspired at best. He sabotaged Christian’s helicopter, but not enough to kill anyone; he set a fire that did minimal damage at Grey Enterprises; and he’s failed at a bargain basement duct-tapey kidnapping attempt. So he’s dealt with without even a formulaic end boss fight. Hmph.

WorstVillainEver

And now Ryan has a problem! One no one could have anticipated! They need to tie Jack up but they have nothing to tie him up with. Well, it’s Anastasia Steele to the rescue! She goes the bedroom and produces cable ties from waaayyyy back in the first book. She rubs her wrists and is happy they aren’t bruised. I’m not sure what the point of that is…in the last bit of sex we actually saw she was tied up with her panties.

Wait

The security team starts to clean up the mess and totally fucks up the crime scene. I’ve been in the same room for enough TV crime dramas to know that this ain’t good. It soon becomes clear that no one is calling the police. So what exactly are they going to do with Jack? Turns out they aren’t sure. Christian’s super expensive crack security team has no plan for this eventuality. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Ryan tries to call Taylor (who is in New York with Christian) for advice but he isn’t answering. Ana is practically facepalming. Even she realises how dumb this is. She tries to call Christian but he is still not answering: he is giving her the silent treatment.

Ana says fuck it and calls the police. Nothing in particular happens. The police show up, engage in some lukewarm questioning and leave, taking Jack with them. They don’t appear particularly put out that everyone has moved all the evidence and put their grubby hands all over it.

FacepalmCombo

Ana gets all sad because Christian is mad at her and still giving her the silent treatment. She asks Mrs. Jones to make her a sandwich. Mrs. Jones, the one who was actually home during the attempted kidnapping and subsequent take down. But as usual everything is all about Ana. She doesn’t even bother saying thank you.

The next morning Ana wakes up: Christian is home, still dressed in his formal duds, sitting in a chair glaring at her silently. Welcome home honey! Ana greets him but he refuses to answer, and just downs whatever generic alcohol he is currently drinking.

Ana tries to be all sweet and scared at him, but he just sits there glaring like a little bitch. When he finally deigns to speak, he tells Ana, “I am way, way beyond mad.”
So let me get this straight. Ana went out, against his wishes, and that is the only thing that stopped her from being home for Jack to kidnap. And Christian is angry…at…her. For not getting kidnapped. I guess.

Ana tries to suck up to Christian and sits in his lap. It doesn’t work; he’s still mad, and smells like booze. He reiterates just how fucking furious he is. Ana informs him that she is mad too. He is affronted! Then the Sobbing starts; Ana assures Christian that everyone is A OK, and even better Jack is gone. Christian retorts, “No thanks to you.” Then THEN when Ana rightfully asks what the hell that is supposed to mean, he says he doesn’t want to argue about it.

DramaQueen

Oh yeah you do. That’s what you live for. And seriously, while Ana’s actions didn’t contribute to catching Jack or keeping the maid safe, it did allow for her to NOT BE THERE when shit got real. How was that not helpful?

Who knows? Because they never come back to it in this chapter. Christian tells Ana to go to bed because it’s still early and despite the emotional roller coaster she has just ridden with Christian, Ana falls right back to sleep. She does have time to wonder why they aren’t having sex. Are we in Crazy Town? Oh yeah. We are.

Those two hours that Ana was ordered to sleep just happen to be the two most restful hours of sleep Ana has ever gotten. That makes no fucking sense. She was the almost victim of a failed kidnaping, her crazy rich-enough-to-have-her-rubbed-out-with-no-consequences boyfriend is livid with her and yet she has never slept better?! !!?
!?!?!?!?

I don’t fucking know.

Christian wakes Ana up with orange juice. At least he doesn’t throw it in her face. He sits it nicely on the side table and then heads for the shower. Ana sneaks in and gets all handsy. Christian for the first time ever tells her to lay off. Ana’s various personalities go apeshit, and Ana gets all emo and whispery at him.

“Don’t be mad at me, please.” She whispers. She whispers a lot. But she is dealing with a volatile lunatic here so maybe she’s onto something. Back away slowly Ana; no sudden movements.

Too late. Christian starts spouting more nonsense. He’s mad at Ana because she went out without his permission. Furious. He’s mad because Jack broke in and almost kidnapped her. He’s mad because if Ana did as she was told, she would have been here for the kidnapping. This is the biggie. He’s mad. At Ana. Because he was wrong. That bitch! How dare she!?

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Christian storms out of the shower and locks himself in his office. Ana tells herself that she is going to have to face the consequences of her actions. Like going out with her friend. Okaaayyy… Ana tries to get into Christian’s office and he gives her the cold shoulder, and kicks her out.

She’s super late for work, but she takes the time to grovel at Christian’s feet. She is sure she is in the right, but she needs to manage Christian’s emotions. She asks if she can drive to work knowing he will say no, so that she can sweetly agree. She’s trying to get on his not-dump-the-bodies-in-the-bay-at-their-new-house side.

Taylor drives her to work and Prescott, the female bodyguard who Ana hates (surprise!) guards her during the work day. And what does Ana think to herself when this is all over? She doesn’t think to herself, “Man, this asshole is straight up cray-cray.” Nope. She thinks, “At least he’s letting me go to work.”

Crazy

At work, Ana’s assistant Elizabeth shows up to get the gossip, since Christian is famous enough that the break-in is in the society pages. But Ana isn’t talking. Ana exchanges a couple of terse emails with Christian and the she realises something. Christian must have flown back from New York BEFORE he heard about the break-in. Sooo he flew home cutting short his super important billionaire business because Ana went out for drinks.

Now that she is out of his clutches, Ana feels safe enough to tell Christian off. She tells Christian that she might have stayed home if he had actually told her that the entire family was under triple security. And if he had told her that it was the result of actual threats they found on Jack’s computer. But she had to find these things out from Kate after they were already out. She further tells him that if he treats her like a naughty child she is going to act like one.

Christian responds with a terse email insisting that they will talk about it at home.
Well…they don’t.

Ana gets home, all keyed up and anticipating a huge fight. Christian, who has been running cold all day is suddenly running hot. Bow chicka bow bow… He greets Ana in the pants that Ana likes best. His sexy-times pants.

Punch

But Christian knows. Oh. He knows.

“Good evening Mrs. Grey…” Christian says softly…”Good to have you home. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Yeah. That’s a healthy resolution to this situation. If this is going to lead into the only BDSM in this book I am going to be fucking disappointed. Not surprised. But disappointed.

I’m done.

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