So, yeah. I am disappointed.
Christian is mad. He’s angry. He’s fucking livid. He’s mad at Ana for disobeying him, or for not getting kidnapped or whatever. But he promises Ana (via email) that they will talk when Ana gets home from work.
Ana gets home and finds Christian decked out in his sexy time jeans, and clearly not intending to talk. Sure I get that this is a sexy book, but this isn’t sexy. He’s clearly still mad, and Ana is scared and confused. Ana guesses that he is wearing his sexy jeans to throw her off balance, and win whatever argument they are going to have. Christian is so mad that he has printed Ana’s email from the last chapter and shoves it in her face.
“I understand you have issues, Mrs. Grey…So do I.”
That’s an understatement. Do they ever have issues.
Ana refuses to back down from the argument but she does take a step back from Christian just in case he gets handsy. She’s still whispering by the way, this whole conversation has been whispered. Ana whisper-asks him why he flew home.
Christian replies that she knows damn well why he flew home – because she disobeyed him and went out with Kate. Ana is aghast even though this is exactly what she already thought. She chides him for cancelling a business trip to come home and micromanage her social life. She also tells him that she is NOT A CHILD (this becomes relevant later) and she can change her mind if she wants.
Faced with that kind of rare sense-making coming from Ana, Christian changes his tune and sputters that at least she could have told him because he was worried. So first the problem was her disobeying, and when she points out that she doesn’t have to obey him then the problem is that she didn’t inform him of the change.
Ana goes on to point out that her ‘disobedience’ stopped her from being there when Jack tried to kidnap her. Christian gets all emo. He’s not just mad because she disobeyed him, he’s like double mad because she showed him up by being right about going out. That bitch! Christian cries and hugs her and wails about dying a thousand deaths without her. He actually says that.
Then Christian tells her that he was so mad that he wanted to punish her for making him angry but he didn’t trust himself to stop hurting her. But it’s okay now because he doesn’t want to beat the hell out of her anymore. And that, my friends, is supposed to be an improvement.
Then things get even weirder. I mean things were already pretty mental and abusive but now they get downright cray cray. Ana tells Christian that he would never hurt her. He insists that OH BABY he wanted to hurt her. I’m going to quote here so you see just how nuts this gets.
Ana says: “No you didn’t. You just thought you did.”
Christian, naturally, isn’t convinced. But Ana goes on to explain how he always feels bad after injuring her (she reminds him of how bad he felt after bruising her wrists on their honeymoon). So, Ana concludes, he can prevent those bad feelings by not doing the actions that cause those feelings.
Christian is apparently some kind of logic hating robot and her weird leaps of logic break his poor android brain. He goes all limp and quiet. Ana is suddenly sorry for making him mad in the first place.
And then everything is good again. They make out for a while, and then Ana gets back to business. Buuuut…Christian wants to have sex. Ana tries to talk to him and he keeps bugging. Finally he sighs and gives in. Fine! They can talk.
Ana starts to ask Christian why he doesn’t tell her anything. He declares that he only wants to protect her and then there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth as she tries to get anything beyond that out of him. He dramatically puts his head in his hands.
Christian finally spills the deets about what was on Jack’s computer. Sort of. Jack’s computer was full of what Christian thought was a normal, non-threatening obsession with his life. After all Christian is a famous billionaire, he expects people to have unhealthy obsessions with him.
But, he tells Ana, shit got real when Jack tried to burn down Christian’s building or…
And then Ana’s stomach growls.
We all know how Christian feels about Ana missing a meal. Christian blindfolds Ana and makes her sit on the chair while he feeds her like a tiny baby. Christian swears that he can cook, but all he does is stick some leftovers in the microwave and burn himself in the process.
The whole I-swear-its-sexy-and-totally-not-degrading feeding thing goes on for pages. Ana tries to get Christian to talk again, but he refuses because he needs to play head games first. This nutter-butter feeding scene goes on and on with cheap innuendoes and a heaping helping of the characters saying the title of the book. Because that’s Ana’s nickname for Christian: 50 Shades.
After the meal, Ana tries to talk again, but Christian isn’t done with the head games. Not by a long shot. He insists they go to the playroom, and asks Ana is she is up for a challenge.
“Bring it on,” she actually, seriously says.
Then she tells us that desire and “something that I don’t want to name” is thrumming through her body. What does that even mean? What’s the other thing? Voldemort?! Is she being possessed by He-who-must-not-be-named?
Christian picks Ana up (since she’s still blindfolded) and carries her to the playroom. He makes sure to mention that she has lost weight. So he makes snide remarks when she gains weight and snide remarks when she loses weight. And both times it was not even enough for Ana to notice. Nice guy.
So they go into the playroom and Ana strips off. She sticks her hand down Christian’s pants but sweet God they don’t say that in so many words! God no! It’s all vague talk about Christian’s open fly and his ‘happy trail’ which seems to mean pubic hair, but one can never be sure.
Christian re-blindfolds Ana and then straps her to some kind of wooden cross. You could choose to view it as Ana making the ultimate sacrifice to redeem her relationship, but really its just a cross that she gets strapped to because Christian is an asshat.
She hears him rummage through the drawers and wonders if it is the “butt drawer.” She also wonders what is unsettling her about this situation. Something isn’t right but she just can’t put her finger on it. Gee, I don’t know Ana, a crazy violent abusive billionaire has you cuffed to a wooden cross and has given the witnesses, er, staff the night off. What could possibly be unsettling about that?
Who’s to say?
So, very long drawn-out boring story short, Christian spends the next three pages sexually teasing Ana but not letting her have an orgasm. Which, I’m not sure how you’d stop that from happening, but hey, crazier stuff has happened in 50 Shadesland. It’s punctuated with scintillating dialogue like this:
“This is a wand baby. It vibrates.”
It becomes clear that Christian is doing this to punish Ana. He tells her it is just as frustrating as having her promise to do one thing and then say another. Well, it is an improvement over beating her to death, which is what he wanted to do this morning.
Ana bursts into tears and then screams out the safe word. By this point I’d forgotten what it was. It was “Red”. Huh. OK. And anyway, I thought they weren’t doing safe words. Christian insisted that those who are in love do not need safe words and they threw out the contract. But okay…
So Christian uncuffs her and she collapses on the bed in a crying heap. Christian is suuuuper sorry now and claims to have gotten caught up in the moment. Ana doesn’t believe him. He tells her that this is normal for BDSM. Which, I doubt. There is nothing normal in this book. At all.
After the tears and the begging for forgiveness Ana agrees to at least tell Christian when she isn’t going to do as she’s told which is…I don’t even know what it is. Christian is all in super-emo-feels-confession-mode so Ana asks him what he meant earlier when talking about Jack.
Turns out that not only did Jack try to burn down the Grey building and kidnap Ana, he is also the one who sabotaged Charlie Tango way back when. OK. That wasn’t a surprise to anyone but Ana. It was pretty clear for the entire book that Jack was responsible but whatever.
Then Christian reveals another surprising surprise! Jack intended to kidnap Ana! Wait. We totally already knew that. Are the main characters brain damaged?
Then a third and final surprise comes. One that no one could have expected because it’s pretty clear that it was made up out of whole cloth because the plot required more conflict. Moar conflict! Christian tells Ana that “Detroit is the connection.” What the fuck could that possibly mean?
You can almost here the dramatic soap opera-y music.
“Ana, I was born in Detroit.”
Soooo…what? They are brothers? They were at the same orphanage? Jack is the pimp? Is Jack Christian’s mother!?
Oh my God!
I don’t care!