Chapter 14 of 50 Shades Freed: Anastasia Steele and the Hill of Beans

I’m really starting to wonder why this book even exists. I get that people wanted to find out the ultimate happy ending between Christian and Ana but this really could have been done in a couple of pages, say, as a flash forward like they did in Harry Potter. Drawing it out into a whole book is migraine inducing.

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Again, chapter 14 presents us with so-called “events” but they aren’t interesting, they are just…dumb.

Last chapter we left the gang in a restaurant – Christian’s brother was on bended knee asking Kate (the best friend) to marry him. The entire restaurant is enraptured by the awesome ringless proposal and goes silent. Kate draws out the attention for a ridiculous long time. Kate is silent, then starts crying, then smiles, then is silent again, and then finally says yes.

The entire restaurant gives them a standing ovation because they just care that much about some random stranger’s proposal. As the applause and cheering dies down Elliot finally pulls out a ring and presents it to Kate. I guess he didn’t want to waste it if she said no? Ana gets teary, but as the ring isn’t for her she quickly loses interest and doesn’t even bother to describe it other than to say it is ‘exquisite’.

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Ana has an ah-ha moment and realises that this must be what Elliot and Gia were doing in the jewelry store together. She is silently relieved that she didn’t bring up the Gia thing with Kate. Gawd! There is so much fake not-really-drama how can anyone bother to get worked up anymore? I mean, you know it is going to turn out to be nothing like it always does. Why even write these events? They add up to nothing!

There’s hugs and tears all around, and Ana makes much (internally, of course) of the fact that Christian calls Elliot by what we can only assume is a childhood nickmane – Lelliot. But then no one ever mentions it again, so yeah.

Christian orders a bunch of booze and Ana makes sure to mention that she is gulping it as everyone else sips. She doesn’t give a reason why…but I’m guessing that she plans to get monumentally drunk and put the attention back onto herself. Because we can’t have a night that isn’t about Ana. Ever.

Me

They head off to the most exclusive nightclub in Aspen, but of course they go right in because Christian is a super rich playboy. Since the wait-staff is all female, Ana hates them all, and their merciless flirting with Christian. After three books, Ana’s jealousy is getting really tiresome, and frankly a little pathological.

Christian, being the Weirdy Weirdeson that he is, order a ton of booze and bottled water. He feeds Ana drinks but forces her to drink full glasses of water between each. Oddly, Ana never has to pee the entire night.

Mia urges all the girls out onto the dance floor, saying they are going to “throw some shapes.” Now, I’m old. And out of it, so I had to look that up. Oxforddictionaries.com pegs it as British informal slang for dancing to popular music. This is a problem throughout the 50 Shades series. The characters, the same ones who are supposed to be all-American kids, are drowning in Britishisms. If they were Brits transplanted to the USA I would eat that shit up. But they aren’t. And Americans don’t talk that way.

Ana can’t dance, and in fact has never danced before, but she is wonderful at it – she has the Mary Sue’s innate talent for everything needed to move the story along. She wonders to herself why she spent the first twenty years of her life reading and not dancing. This statement makes no sense. I highly doubt that she did any reading at all for the first few years of her life. She just isn’t that smart.

She decides that it is because she was never confident enough. And since marrying Christian, her confidence switch has been set to the ‘on’ position. Sexing with Christian has given her the confidence to move her own body. What other magical things can Christian’s billionaire powers do? Can Ana paint beautiful portraits now? Can she read minds? Or play the holophonor?

Magical

But whatever.

The fun part is coming up…Ana dances away…enraptured by the awesome rich people music which is clearly more danceable than regular poor people music. She has her eyes closed but is thrilled when Christian comes onto the dance floor to play some grabass with her. Ana opens her eyes and is stunned to find that it isn’t her favourite douchenozzle at all! But rather some random douchenozzle is grabbing her ass.

Ana slaps him across the face, and the guy apologises. Then Christian comes up, actual real Christian this time and he punches the guy. Ana is frightened by the look of feral hatred on Christian’s face. Well, get used to it honey, this is your life now.

Ana decides to calm Christian’s irrational anger by using her secret weapon – her fan dance. She ‘weaves’ herself around Christian and calms his nerves with her hypnotic dancing. Sure she does. I am convinced!

Zoidberg

Once Christian is calm he is suddenly gleeful that Ana slapped Mr. Handsy Dancer. Violence is a total turn on! Apparently. Ana notices that Handsy-man has gone missing, and wonders if he just left, or has been escorted out by the authorities. I think the more likely answer is that he has been hustled off to an early grave by Christian’s operatives.

They dance for awhile, but Ana notices that all the other patrons have left them a wide personal space. I guess no one wants to set off the nutty Punchington Twins. They get tired of dancing pretty quickly, to the probable relief of all the other patrons.

Ana scolds Christian for getting punchy, and tells him it is a good thing that the paparazzi weren’t there to photograph it. Christian gets all cold and tells Ana that he has expensive lawyers. “No one touches what’s mine,” he says with, “chilling finality.”

Brrr…

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They leave and Ana passes out on the way home. It has been a long night. Christian undresses Ana and takes her makeup off because she is too drunk to do it herself. Ana kicks Christian out of the bathroom while she pees, telling him she knows he’s, “one kinky son of a bitch,” but watching her pee is too much.

Oh. My. God.

PrudeAdvisory

Peeing in the same room as your husband is too kinky? Ana calls it “a step too far.” You know they haven’t married long when they can’t share a bathroom. Either that or they are massive fucking prudes. Take your pick, folks.

Christian dresses Ana in some PJs and sends her off to bed. Before she goes to sleep Ana has to make sure that Christian isn’t mad at her for getting felt up by Mr. Handsy. Because there’s a real danger that Christian blames her. But we’re all good, Christian is mad alright, boy is he mad! But not at Ana.

Ana goes to sleep, content that this is “progress.”

ImOut

The end.

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