Chapter 15 of 50 Shades Freed is a Whole Lot of Nothing

So chapter 15 is YET ANOTHER chapter of filler. Another one. That’s what? Five so far? God-fucking-dammit 50 Shades move this story the fuck along already.

Slit

This whole book ought to have been a novella. Or maybe, just maybe, they should have actually used Jack, the Half-Assed avenger to good effect. He could have come up with some diabolical plan and Ana could have defeated him with her amazing ninja powers that she only remembers when she needs them.

But no. We don’t have that. Instead we have a whole chapter where the characters sit back and fucking talk to each other about the things they have done or are about to do, but we never get to see any of it.

to-do-list

We start out just as the weekend ends. Christian and Ana wake up and Ana notices her hand is still red from slapping that douche on the dance floor. Christian gets all concerned, and they proceed to tell each other just exactly how much they love and cherish each other. At. Length.

It is just as barf inducing as it sounds.

catbarf

Suddenly Christian gets all mad and grabs Ana’s hand to inspect it. “That fucker! He exclaims. And then, “I can’t bear that he touched you.”

Apart from the soap opera style overblown emotions…thaaaat kind of jealousy and anger is going to be an issue. No man may ever touch Ana ever. Ever. Let’s hope Ana never has to shake hands in a business meeting because that mofo is going *down*.

Then Christian kisses Ana’s hand and the pain “miraculously disappears.” Not only that, but Christian goes on to ask Ana why she didn’t tell him last night that it was hurting. The implication being that he would have healed it then. You know, it’s like everybody gave up at this point. There aren’t any magical vampires in this book, and somebody ought to have gone through and made sure that stuff was gone.

edit-all-the-words

But they didn’t.

So we’re left with some kind of hand-healing miracle via Christian’s billionaire powers. I mean, Gawd, even Batman isn’t rich enough to have fucking powers. What the fuck?

tangled gif

Then, hand all healed, Ana and Christian get it on. Oh yeah, baby! Not really. It isn’t pretty. Christian decides that it would be totally hot if Ana pretended to be struggling to escape and Christian pretended to be raping her. Well, I’m all for fun role play, but after all the creepwad shit that has gone on in this series, I am just kind grossed out.

Ana, of course, is mortified. She would never ever imagine that two people could seriously do something like that. She has some kind of imagination deficit, I think. She declines, but then Christian bugs her to do it, and she waves him off by saying she’s a bad actress. Christian, being the understanding and compassionate guy we all know and love, keeps bugging until Ana gives in.

Eventually Ana gets into the spirit of things, like all women do if you just force them hard enough…

Yikes

Afterwards Christian confides that he has never liked Mrs. Robinson and her evil BDSM ways, and that the FIFTEEN subs he slept with don’t count as sex partners, so really Ana is his first. OK dude, that’s totally reasonable. Totally.

Then it’s breakfast! Because we must never ever miss an opportunity to describe breakfast rather than, you know, move the story along. Ana watches out the window as Christian hits at the air with a bamboo cane, and gets super turned on. She wonders why the maid doesn’t appear disturbed by Christian doing this. I guess because it isn’t disturbing?

Then it’s later, and Ana is asleep on the plane. She vaguely wakes up as Christian buckles her seatbelt. She tries to do it herself, but can’t manage it. She’s an adult remember, one who can’t buckle a fucking seatbelt.

Why are we supposed to like her again? I forget.

WeHateYou

There’s another brief, pointless vignette where they are in the car heading back to Christin’s penthouse they both congratulate each other on being do generally awesome. Then they gripe about Gia, because despite everything, she is still the architect and they need to meet her. But thank every god in every pantheon we skip that and don’t have to deal with it.

Then it’s straight to bed, because why would we want to see our characters DO anything. Ana stares out at the night sky and thinks about how having children would totally fix whatever is wrong with Christian. She turns over and asks him if he misses…you know…stuff. She means the BDSM but she can’t even say it. Luckily Christian reads minds so he knows just what she means.

And he most definitely does not miss it. Not one bit. Ana gets whiny. Well shhheeeee misses it. Even though she hated it at the time. But she likes to screw with Christian’s mind. Christian is like, too bad, we are having vanilla sex. And they do, but of course we skip over that.

unacceptable

The last half of the chapter is a whole time-jumpy series of emails where Ana and Christian talk about the things they are about to do. Then we skip ahead, without them actually DOING those things, and then read emails about how much they enjoyed those things in the past. They allude to all the naughty things they have done, or are about to do but we never get to see them.

It was confusing at first because I wasn’t watching the dates on the emails, so I thought it was one exchange. All this scintillating emailery is interrupted every now and then by Ana’s assistant who reminds her about, you know, work. But as soon as the assistant leaves, Ana stops pretending to work and goes right back to emailing and fantasizing about Christian.

We gloss over a whole week this way. Ana sits in her office pretending to work and emailing Christian for a solid week. A week.

The only even vaguely interesting thing happens when Ana complains about Prescott (one of the Keystone Security Team) and Christian offers to fire her. Ana is furious. Fucking livid. But here’s the thing – Ana has disliked Prescott since day one (probably because she is female) but Christian offers to get rid of her and Ana is angry. Figure that out.

Finally, finally FINALLY we get to the end of the emails and find Ana at work. Maybe she’s still at work. We only have her word that she ever left, and we know how unreliable that is. Ana’s assistant knocks on the door while Prescott hovers outside. Hannah (the assistant) informs Ana that Leila is here to see her.

Leila.

Mrs. Robinson.

Ana’s first thought is to have Prescott kick her out, right? Right!? Because that would make fucking sense, right?!

Of course not. Ana thinks, “Fuck. What does she want?”

DramaIsComing

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