Action! Adventure! Thrills! Excitement! A Few Things You Won’t Find in Ch. 17 of 50 Shades Freed

So we left Ana on the phone, with her mouth hanging open in shock, because Jose’s dad just broke the news that Ray (Ana’s stepfather) is in the hospital.

gasp

As we open chapter 17, José’s dad tells Ana there has been a car accident, and Ray has been airlifted to Portland. Mr. José’s Dad breaks down and sobs that he didn’t see the car, then hangs up on Ana. Soooo…José’s dad was the driver who hit Ana’s dad? That’s a weird coincidence. But, 50 Shades is all about narrative improbability so I’m willing to go with it.

Ana calls her boss and tells him she’s leaving. She sits at her desk and yells for her assistant instead of, you know, phoning or paging her like a sane person, and gives her assistant the same sob story. Ana runs out of her office and meets Sawyer in the foyer and demands he drive her to Portland this instant!

So is that a thing? My American geography is pretty shaky. I mean I know the individual states are small but, I don’t know. Is Portland Oregon even near Seattle? I had to check Google maps…I guess they are close but it still feels weird.

In Canada you can’t just drive two or three provinces over if you are trying to rush to the side of a gravely injured relative. For instance, I’m a full 24 hours drive away from the Ontario/Manitoba border, and 5 and a half hours from the Ontario/Quebec border. That’s the thing about Canada:

itshuge

So moving on, Ana rushes to her dad’s side. Or rather, forces Sawyer to rush her to her father’s side. She cries to Christian on the phone and he tells Ana he will fly down after concluding some important business. Ana briefly wonders why she has no idea what business Christian might be conducting. Well, honey, it’s because you’re dumb.

yourestupid

Ana gets to the hospital and Ray is in surgery. José and his dad are in the waiting room, ready to recount the sad story of whatever thing happened to move the story along. It turns out that José’s dad and Ray are friends and were actually in the same car. That’s the first I have ever heard of it. It’s nice how we have no idea of anything until it becomes relevant to the plot.

Ana is both confused and delighted because Sawyer shows up with a cup of tea, and he even knows how Ana likes it. Ana is fucking amazed. Well, Ana, not everyone in the world is as self-obsessed as you are. In any case, her delight is short lived as the discount hospital tea doesn’t live up to her newly found standards. Remember waaayyy back in book one? Ana was thrilled to drink Twinnings tea. Looks like being filthy rich has gone to her head.

Christian breezes in and takes the time to be visibly jealous that José is at the hospital even though he was actually in the accident and needs to be there. Christian gently suggests that both Josés go the hell home. Eventually Doctor Plot device appears and Ana forgets about her dad for a minute because the doctor is sooper hawt. Focus Ana! For God’s sake.

Shiny

The doctor gives Ana a laundry list of things wrong with Ray. He isn’t dead, but isn’t super alive either. Doctor Plot Device tells us Ana can see him, but he’s in a medically induced coma.

Oh baby, you are going to love the prognosis. Ray might die or he might make a complete recovery, they just have no way of knowing because, “that’s in God’s hands now.” I swear on everything holy and good that that is a direct fucking quote.

My lord! If only there were some kind of trained professionals who dealt with these sorts of situations. Guy is in a medically induced coma and the doctors are ready to throw up their hands?
Then Doctor Plot Device just sort of wanders off, and Christian offers the Josés a ride home. Because he hates José and just wants him gone. No matter that they want to see how Ray is doing. Nothing matters to Christian right now except getting other men away from Ana. Nothing.

Christian then tries to convince Ana to go out for dinner without seeing Ray. And he is visibly disappointed when Ana chooses her possibly dying father. Keep it classy there, Richie Rich.

keepitclassy

Then for some reason that I don’t want to even think about it, Ana makes a point of telling us that Ray is naked and has only the thinnest of sheets protecting ‘his modesty.’ Gross, Ana. Gross. Ana asks the nurse (who apparently materialised out of nowhere) if she can touch Ray. After that modesty remark? Please don’t.

ew

Ana grabs Ray’s hand and tells us it is surprisingly warm. He’s not dead Ana, he’s in a coma. FFS. Ana also makes a point of mentioning how the nurse swoons all over Christian, and that she’s not even jealous because she is so worried about Ray. She’s not so worried about Ray that she doesn’t notice nurse’s bleach blond hair. That’s what you’re thinking about now? Not the time or place Ana.

Christian goes off to make some phone calls and Ana babbles incoherently to her comatose father. Gripping. Shit. Christian gets bored and bugs Ana to leave because Ray is in a coma so who cares? Not Christian, that’s who.

They get to the hotel and Christian is cranky and out of sorts. Ana tells us that it is because Christian can’t control this situation. But Ana’s stupid. It’s because Christian is a petty asshole who’s pissed off that he isn’t the centre of attention right now. He changes tactics, and fawns over Ana, convincing her that they should take a bath together.

For some reason that makes no fucking sense to me they get in the bath and talk about Leila. Ana wants Christian to know just how creepy it was for Christian to bathe Leila when she showed up and tried to kill Ana. Christian brushes that off as nothing. Ana presses on and wants to know if he has any of Leila’s paintings. Christian admits that he did, but he gave them to Elliot as Elliot has no taste.

Haw Haw! It’s funny because Elliot is marrying Kate and Christian hates her! Seriously, I have no idea why Ana puts up with a man who insults her best friend every chance he gets. Is that not some kind of red flag? It’s like a whole red flag day parade.

red-flags

After the bath Ana finds that Christian has sent out Sawyer the security guy to buy clothes for Ana, instead of, you know, bringing any. Of course they all fit perfectly because apparently even the security team has access to Ana’s measurements, clothing sizes, and preferences. How creepy is that?

creepy

Ana then has to ask Christian if they can go back to the hospital. I mean, Gawd! They saw Ray for like five whole minutes already! It’s time to pay attention to Christian now! Christian reluctantly agrees, but then he tries to stall for time by bugging Ana to go out for a second supper. She refuses and they go back to the hospital.

When they get back to the hospital José is back and Christian makes his obvious jealousy obvious to everyone present. José takes his cue and leaves. Christian tells Ana he has a surprise for her! Yay! What an appropriate time for surprises that put all the attention back on Christian.

The surprise is…Ana’s mother in law! Every woman loves surprise mother in law! Christian has flown her in to micromanage Ray’s healthcare. Well, that’s probably for the best since Doctor Plot Device was totally ready to let Jesus take the wheel.

Jesus

MIL entertains Christian in another room so that Ana can finally have some time with her father. The chapter ends back in the hotel bed, where Ana is simultaneously relieved and disappointed that they aren’t having sex. Christian brings up José, from nowhere, and lets us know juuust how petty and jealous he really is. He tells Ana he can tolerate Jose being pleasantly civil with her but only if she eats what he considers an appropriate amount of food.

So, he promises not to vocalise his jealousy if he can control exactly what Ana eats? What the hell kind of deal is that? Christian commands Ana to sleep and she obediently falls asleep. Because that’s how it works. Suuuure.

whatever

Advertisements