Chapter 18 of Fifty Shades Freed: Maximum Put-Offitude

So…once more into the breach. I guess.

This chapter is really just more of the same thing from last chapter. Ana worries about her dad, and Christian tries desperately to focus the attention back onto him. It’s kind of off-putting. I mean, it would be off-putting if it were possible for me to be put off of these characters any more than I already am. I am at maximum put-offitude here folks.

Offpudding

So, Ana wakes (it’s the next morning)and has a moment of peace before she remembers where she is and why.

“Shit! Daddy!”

She actually says that. Out loud.

Christian is at the end of the bed just…staring…at Ana and waiting creepfully for her to wake up. He tells Ana he has already called the hospital and Ray is just fine so Ana shouldn’t worry her little head about him. That’s because it’s Ana’s birthday and so its time for all the attention to be on Christian where it belongs.

He gives Ana a tiny gift that’s pretty clearly expensive jewelry because what else do rich guys buy?

The card reads:

“For all our firsts on your first birthday as my beloved wife.”

Christian can’t pretend for even one second that Ana’s birthday is about Ana.

AllAboutMe

The gift turns out to be (surprise!) jewelry. It’s a charm bracelet with charms commemorating all the things they’ve done together. For some reason not one of the charms is a riding crop or a butt plug. Whatever. The only concession to sex is an ice cream cone.

“Vanilla?” he says, by way of explanation.

VanillaIce

They feel all the feels and admire each other’s amazing smell. That’s the vanilla, folks. Also Ana cries for good measure. They kiss and then, oh baby, then it’s time for breakfast. It’s Ana’s birthday so Christian orders breakfast for her while she gets dressed because Ana’s birthday is all about Christian doing what he wants.

Ana announces that she is going to brush her teeth and Christian smirks at her. What? Why? Why is he smirking? Ana doesn’t even know. Did he shove her toothbrush up his ass? Did he put jizz all over it? Just tell us!

Nottoothpaste

In the end Ana decides to use Christian’s toothbrush instead. Good idea.

They eventually head to the hospital but they aren’t in such a hurry that they don’t have tme to make out in the elevator. Because they have this thing for elevators. And Ray is in a coma so why would Ana want to hurry to his side?

Why indeed.

Ana tells us that Christian hasn’t touched her in 24 hours (!) so that’s clearly the priority and not her father and his inconvenient dying. I mean, clearly they have touched each other in the last 24 hours, they just haven’t had actual factual sex. Priorities people. Priorities. They discuss renting the elevator for a day, perhaps right now. What a great idea! Ana doesn’t have any family in the hospital possibly dying.

Oh wait.

Priorities

They finally make it outside the hotel, and off to the hospital right? Right? Wrong. Christian has a surprise for Ana. It’s a super expensive car that she once mentioned in passing that she might like. Ana is thrilled out of her mind. Finally a proper gift.

They kiss and dance and jump up and down and then finally FINALLY go to visit Ana’s dad. Ana speeds like a maniac in her new car even though her dad is in the hospital because of a car accident.

But rules don’t apply to Ana, only to other people.

Christian wanders away while Ana visits her father, who is “the same.” He is about to get a CT scan so Ana goes to hang out in the waiting room until the results are back. Christian is on the phone yelling at his dad to “throw the book at” the driver who hit Ray. Even though they drove like maniacs to get to the hospital. I just love the fact that Christian’s father is revealed to be the District Attorney just when it becomes convenient. If this were Lord of the Rings the eagles would swoop in right about now.

Christian finishes up his tantrum and hangs up the phone. He’s thrilled to find that Ana is done with Ray and all the attention can be on him again. He’s pissed when Ana tells him they are staying to see what happens with the CT scan.

Christian huffs into a chair, and makes some cryptic phone calls, and when Ana realises that she should let her mother know about Ray, he tries to convince her not to. They make some awkward small talk and Christian tells Ana that he works so hard because he doesn’t want to be poor, but also that he doesn’t work hard at all because his business is a game, and one he finds easy to win. Soooo…

Nothing

We skip the results of the scan and join our crappy couple out for a careen in the new car. Ana assures us that Ray’s brain is back to normal, even though yesterday they were leaving it all in God’s hands. I guess God did a good job. Hooray God!

They drive around like maniacs, endangering everyone else on the road and then head off for lunch. We don’t hear anything about the restaurant or the lunch but of course we hear about how the waiter was totally coming on to Ana. These two are the most paranoid jealous freaks ever. EVER.

They visit Ray for a few minutes and despite being totally normal now – tooootally normal – he’s still unconscious and on a ventilator. Just like normal people. Ana stays until evening (however long that is) and then Christian insists that it is supper time.

As they are leaving the hospital, Christian gives Ana some sexy lingerie, and assures her that he will be taking it off of her later, because nothing says sexy like visiting your parent in the hospital. Well, her dad was completely naked last chapter. For some reason…

Back at the hotel Christian has booked a private room for them to have dinner. For no reason that’s apparent to Ana, Christian insists that Ana get all tarted up in some skimpy satin number that he sent his servant out to buy. Ana doesn’t think it will fit, but it does. It always does. Because of Christian’s magical billionaire powers.

magicmeme

Then, despite insisting that Ana be dressed up like a streetwalker, Christian goes to the dinner in jeans and a button up shirt. They get into the elevator, and it’s filled with girls who slobber over Christian. Or at least that’s what Ana tells us. Personally I think she’s delusional.

They get to the private room and SURPRISE! It’s a birthday party for Ana! Ana is totally taken by surprise and so am I, because that is so grossly inappropriate. They couldn’t hold the surprise party off until Ray got better? Apparently not. Christian has flown everyone in just for the party.

Even Ana, selfish oblivious Ana, mentions it. Ana’s mom is all, Oh he’ll be fine, who cares? Well Ray is her ex-husband so that’s understandable. But no one else cares either – not Jose, not Jose’s dad, and obviously not Christian’s family. So we spend a moderately gross evening celebrating Ana’s birthday into the wee hours of the morning.

Back at the hotel room Ana thanks Christian for the party and the gifts and then we skip over more sex. Then suddenly it’s breakfast, and Ana’s birthday party is back on. She opens her birthday presents over breakfast and then everyone goes to visit Ray.

Later in the day, Ana comes back alone to visit Ray and finds that the doctors have taken him off all his machines. Perhaps Jesus is taking the wheel again? Whatever the reason, Ray isn’t dead, but he still isn’t awake. Ana reads him the sports page of whatever local newspaper and lo and behold! The magical healing power of sports brings Ray back from the brink of death.

We leave Ana squealing with delight as her dad isn’t dead! Yay for not being dead!

poof

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