Paging Doctor Plot Device: Chapter 19 of 50 Shades Freed

So Ray is aaaallllll better now aaannnnd cue the crying. Ana cries with happiness. Ray asks where he is and if Ana can bring him a glass of water. Ana goes for the water and then skips, literally skips, back to his bedside.

Christian is all, fucking finally! He wants to have Ray transferred to Seattle so they can go home and Christian’s mom can watch Ray. Ana isn’t sure Ray is well enough to be moved, I mean he literally just woke up, and like two days ago the doctors were ready to give up on him. But Christian doesn’t care – he just wants to get the hell home.
They go back to the hotel and Christian suggests they celebrate. What follows is this delightful moment of what-the-fuckery:

“Celebrate?”
“Your dad.”
“Oh, him.” I giggle.

She forgot already? Just keep swimming Ana, just keep swimming.

They decide to celebrate by staying in and eating tarte tatin. Oh please, no need to have characters with plausible taste or preferences, just google “rich people food” and have them eat whatever is the top result.

Then this exchange happens:

You’re going to try to take over the world? Oh, no sorry, my mistake. They are going to have sex. But not just any sex, no way. Normal sex isn’t life affirming enough. Ana wants something life affirming. Great!

You know what is super amazingly life affirming? Being tied to a sofa with a the sash from a bathrobe! Ummm…apparently.

Well, I guess pretending your love life is a hostage situation *is* kinda like snatching life from the jaws of death.

Heh heh.

I said snatch.

But I digress.

The sex is, of course, as implausible as ever. Christian puts his “two middle fingers inside,” Ana and I’m left to wonder just how many fingers this dude has.

six_fingers

Ana orgasms on command even though Christian barely touches her. Although in happy news we are actually using the word ‘clitoris’ now pretty regularly, so there’s that. Then Christian gets his billionaire freak on in less than a paragraph, so I guess it’s good that he took care of Ana first.

spidergasm

Afterwards, Christian asks:

“LIFE AFFFIRMING ENOUGH FOR YOU?”

And it’s in these weird-ass all caps too. Yeah Ana, I GOT YOUR ‘LIFE AFFIRMING’ RIGHT HERE BABY. They are lying in bed, and Ana makes a point of mentioning that Christian is still fully clothed. But how did you? Didn’t you just? I mean…

Wha?

MagicGif

Then for some reason Ana suddenly morphs into Gollum; she spends half a page whispering and cooing at Christian about how ‘precious’ he is.

Christian, naturally, is skeptical. He knows he’s an asshole. After the whole Lord of the Rings thing wears off, they go at it again. Ana tells Christian she is going to fuck him with her mouth. One supposes that means fellatio, but one never knows with this book. And we never find out for sure because we skip over to the next day.

Christian informs Ana that a police detective is coming to interview Ana about that whole thing where her boss tried to kidnap and possibly kill her, which seems like it happened a million years ago, but probably was only a week – the timeframes are weird in this book.

They visit Ray, who Ana describes as itchy and scratchy.

Itchy AND Scratchy?

ItchyandScratchyGif

Not much of anything happens except some pointless placeholder scenes to kill time until the police detective shows up. He tells us that Jack is accusing Ana of sexual harassment, as if that in some way excuses sabotaging the helicopter, and trying to kidnap Ana. Christian is furious. And yeah, that makes sense because what does that have to do with anything?

The only reason I can see for this scene is that Christian and the detective mention a cryptic note, but they never explain what they are talking about, and Ana never asks. But if the note turns out to be important, then this scene was the flimsy pretense for introducing it.

cancer

We skip to the next day and Ray is already in Seattle. So either Ray was well enough to move or Christian just used his billionaire force-wave to convince them.

Ana is just leaving, having helped Ray get settled in his new room. Her phone vibrates, but she ignores it. As Ana is leaving her personal gynecologist (who I guess has an office in this hospital) runs into Ana by an amazing and totally not forced into the narrative coincidence. Thank goodness, because Doctor Plot Device urgently needs to speak to Ana. Ana has cancelled four (count ‘em – 4) appointments to renew her birth control prescription and Dr. PD MD wants to know why. Ana denies having cancelled any appointments, which is just lame but sure, whatever.

Dr. PD ushers Ana into her office insisting that Ana needs her birth control shot, like, yesterday. But first, since it’s so late they’d better do…

Dun dun dun!

…a pregnancy test.

With surprisingly little ado, or suspense even the test comes back positive. The chapter ends with much wailing and gnashing of teeth as Ana processes this not all that surprising news. I mean, honestly. Oh well, I almost can’t wait until next chapter to see how Ana tries to break the news to Christian.

Almost.

Yeah. Not really.

hedonismbot

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