Chapter 24 starts as Ana drops the devastating news that the baby might be a girl. Christian actually panics for a minute. Ana goes back to her breakfast and spends some time wondering why Christian is so scared of being a parent. I agree! It makes no fucking sense. I mean, sure he had a crack whore for a bio-mom, but he was raised from the age of four (4!) by rich, loving, attentive parents.
Ana decides it must be because of Elena (whom she fondly calls ‘the Bitch-Troll’) and the illicit relationship they had when Christian was 15. Personally, I think he is worried because *something* has to drive the action in the last few chapters of the story, and we’re running out of options. The sex has totally petered out, and in any case Christian is now “fixed” so all he needs or wants is normal boring sex anyway. There isn’t a mysterious saboteur to find; all the stalkers have been contained; the shock of the pregnancy has worn off.
Since sooomething has to happen, Detective Clark shows up to question Ana about the blackmail incident with Jack. Christian is angry but allows it. It might be super thrilling, but we’ll never know because we fade to black. We fade back in just as he is leaving – Christian asks who posted Jack’s bail last time, and if it will happen again. Of course, Clark can’t tell him, but Christian has his suspicions DUN DUN DUN! Everyone exchanges a knowing glance, but nobody feels like they need to tell us what the fuck they mean.
The doctor arrives and we fade out again for a “thorough examination” after which Ana is cleared to go home. Christian stops the doctor in the hall and asks if he and Ana can resume sex immediately. He comes back into the room having gotten the only news he cares about. They can have sex again! Yay!
Before they leave the hospital Ana insists on visiting Ray to tell him about the baby. Christian reminds Ana that Ray gave him permission to spank her AND that Ray offered to do it himself. It was gross the first time, and even grosser the second time. Why keep harping on this? It hurts me!
Ray is just relieved to see his little girl safe and alive. Ha ha! Not really. He has a massive spaz out on Ana, and ‘berates’ her for being irresponsible. He insists that Ana call her mother so that he doesn’t have to deal with her anymore.
Ana’s mother. The one who couldn’t be bothered to visit.
And Ana apologizes. She apologises for getting injured by a crazy violent lunatic. Ray calms the fuck down, and then Ana and Christian sneak out the back of the hospital to trick the paparazzi, because no one would ever think of that. They are brilliant!
Mr. and Mrs. Einstein have a dramatic moment in the car when Christian reveals that Welch needs to talk to him. Nothing good ever comes of needing to talk to someone. Ever. Welch is the security guy, if you don’t remember. He has found some info on the Detroit connection, whatever that is. Whatever it is, Christian is super mysterious and dramatic about it.
They arrive home and Ana breaks down into hysterical sobbing as they get into the Amazing Sexy Feelings Elevator. She’s so overcome that Christian has to carry her into the house and deposit her into the bathroom. He convinces her to take a shower because that’ll cure what ails her. Ana sobs how sorry she is – sorry for saving Mia.
Christian breaks down too and allows that it is at least partly his fault. They get in the shower and after sobbing for a good long time Ana has a revelation. She is a nag! She keeps expecting Christian to talk about his problems instead of getting mad and walking out to party with his ex. She has been so wrong! Why didn’t she see it before? She needs to let Christian be Christian and live life on his own terms.
After the shower comes another dramatic reveal – Evil Elizabeth From Work isn’t evil, she was being blackmailed by Jack too! He had BDSM sex tapes of all his assistants. Christian wails and gnashes his teeth over how similar they are – men with power who like to abuse women. He’s a monster! A monster!
Well, it’s about time somebody said it.
Christian is about ready to scratch his own eyes out when Ana assures him that he is nothing like Jack. She insists that his emo wailing is nonsense – everyone loves Christian.
They get dressed and Christian makes sure to hammer home that Kate is also angry at Ana. Soooo angry. We’ve just about gone through the list of everyone Ana knows. Ana finally snaps and tells him to zip it because she actually did save Mia who was in actual factual danger. Christian responds by threatening to spank her, and reminds her AGAIN that Ray has given him permission.
Ana responds by wanting to have sex, and cook Christian a meal, even though she just got out of the hospital. Christian insists that she eat and then go to sleep instead, and she does. Zzzzzz…
Then the big BIG reveal comes – Ana wakes up to Christian acting super emo and talking to himself. It turns out that he and Jack lived in the same foster home and all these years Jack has been jealous that Christian got adopted by a rich family while Jack, um…wasn’t. It is heavily implied that Jack has spent his life trying to get back at Christian for being adopted.
And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for…uh…the fact that he’s basically a bumbling idiot.
The best part is that Christian doesn’t even remember being in the foster home, so this thing Jack has spent his life stewing about is not even a vague memory for Christian.
Christian is still super upset about it though and Ana insists that he invite his parents over for a heart to heart chat. Christian calls them up and they show up with Kate, Elliot and Mia for an impromptu coming-home party at which they expect Ana to cook. Even though Ana juuust got out of the hospital AND the fact that Christian has a goddamn housekeeper to do the cooking.
Kate is (surprise!) mad at Ana and chews her out spectacularly before announcing that she is getting married to Elliot and that Ana is to be the matron of honour. Ana is upset because the baby is due at the time of Kate’s wedding and she will look bad in a dress. Classy.
They drink to the various events and Ana is angry because Christian takes her glass of wine out of her hand. She’s mad that Christian won’t let her drink while she’s pregnant. Here’s a direct quote for God’s sake:
“I narrow my eyes. Dammit. I want a drink.”
Ten out of ten! Parent of the year!
Everyone eventually leaves and Ana is ready to sex it up. But Christian has something better in mind! He’ll pour out his feelings and memories of his past! Suh-weet! But thank badness we are spared that until next chapter.