Mission Ana-possible: Chapter 22 of 50 Shades Freed

Ana is dumb.

We’ve established that. But the only way that this chapter makes any kind of sense AT ALL is if you keep that fact at the forefront of your mind.

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Ana is dumb.

If you don’t remember anything else, remember that Ana is dumb.

At the end of chapter 21 Christian was on a plane to Portland, so he’s gone now. Ana got a phone call from Mia, or showing Mia’s number, and dun dun dun! It turned out to be her old boss and nemesis, Jack Hyde.

Jack calls Ana all kinds of awful names, and tells her he is going to make them all pay for their misdoings. He claims to have Mia as a hostage, but interestingly we never hear Mia in the back ground.

Clearly channeling Doctor Evil, Jack demands 5 million dollars from Ana, gives her 3 hours to deliver, and instructs her not to tell anyone that she is doing it. Think about that for a moment: Christian is worth billions. He’s a billionaire. Jack is basically asking for chump change.

Then, when Ana finally thinks to ask Jack to prove that he even has Mia, Jack hangs up on her. And, fearing for Mia (who we haven’t yet established is in any kind of danger) Ana decides to go along with it.

She calls out of work sick, which is awesome and totally OK since she’s just the head editor and owner’s wife so, you know, she has no important work to do. She tells Sawyer to take her home as she isn’t feeling well.

Ana goes home looking for Christian’s cheque book, and finds Leila’s gun instead. She tucks it into her pants where it will be totally safe. Safe. Ana does eventually find the cheque book, but she isn’t sure it is the right one. Despite the fact that Christian insists that it is her money too, Ana really doesn’t know how much money they have, or in what bank accounts. She isn’t even sure she can just write a cheque for 5 million dollars but she is sure as hell going to give it a try. She gets a duffle bag, and then another to carry the money. She isn’t sure how big a bag she needs to carry 5 million dollars.

Armed with a cheque book and a gun, Ana just needs to sneak off to the bank without alerting anyone to any funny business. You’d think the easiest way to do this would be to have Sawyer (who is basically her babysitter) drive her to the bank. He wouldn’t need to know how much money she was taking out OR why. He’s a servant.

But no, the obvious plan is not so obvious. I guess. First Ana changes into her stealthy sneaking clothes – jeans and a grey hoodie. That’s what sneak-thieves wear. Right? Then it’s time for a distraction. She calls Sawyer on her phone telling him she needs help and that she is at the other end of the house. Ana waits until he is upstairs looking for her and then makes a run for the door but gets stuck waiting for the elevator.

Sawyer comes screaming back down the stairs, but the elevator gets there just in time. Ana beats Sawyer out to the garage and tears off in her Saab. Just as she’s leaving she sees Sawyer tumble out of the service elevator and it’s pretty damn clear he knows that something is up.

This couldn’t be any wackier unless Yaketty Sax was playing in the back ground. Honestly.

Well, Jack told her not to ‘tell’ anyone, and she’s been as good as her word. She’s sure as hell let everyone know that something is up, but she never told them.

So Ana gets to the bank. She makes it clear that she has never once gone to the bank since her marriage. She has no how much she can withdraw or even what the process is. Ana decides to go the direct route – she heads to the first available teller and says:

“I’d like to withdraw a large sum of money.”

She’s suddenly very conscious that she changed into her sweaty sweat-sweats, because the teller doesn’t even believe she has an account at The First National Bank of Snooty Tellers.

Ana gets mad and name-drops her husband, because that’s the only way to get anything done. Ms. Snooty Teller leaps into action and escorts Ana to a private office where Ana asks to withdraw 5 million dollars. The teller calls the manager and asks Ana for ID.

The manager shows up and tells her she needs to give notice when withdrawing large sums of money. Ana hands over her ID, and of course it says ‘Anastasia Steele’ and not Grey. Ana is acting all weird and shifty, so the manager wants to call Christian to confirm. Ana insists that he not do that and digs out some other ID. The manager is still suspicious, so Ana threatens to tell Christian herself.

The manager claims to have some paperwork he needs to fetch and sneaks off to call Christian. He returns and hands the phone to Ana.
Now here’s where everything goes completely batshit insane. I mean, it was stupid before, but now it’s off the chain insane.

Ana takes the phone and Christian sobs into her ear, “You’re leaving me?

They did just have a knock-down drag-out days long fight. So I guess that’s a justified assumption. But here’s the crazy part. Ana thinks about Jack, and Mia, and how she’s not supposed to tell anyone what is going on.

And then she says YES.

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Ana tells Christian that this is it: she wants a share of the money and a divorce. Christian flips out but ultimately authorises the withdrawal. As Ana is leaving, Sawyer appears in the bank. Ana ducks back into the office and calls Jack, telling him she’s been followed by Sawyer and doesn’t know how to escape.

Jack claims to know exactly what’s going on, and tells her he has a car waiting at the back of the bank. Ana just needs to get there.

dumbidea

Ana asks the bank manager to sneak her out the back, which he does. This has probably been a weird day for him. Jack has an appropriately black SUV waiting to collect Ana. The driver is some random lady from work, Elizabeth, who I’m sure we’ve met, but who apparently wasn’t all that memorable. She stuffs the bags of money in the back of the SUV.

Now, remember how I said Ana is dumb? Because Ana is dumb. She’s now alone with Evil Elizabeth From Work. EEFW tells Ana to hand over her cell phone and get in the car.

And Ana does that.

EEFW already has the money. That’s done. The transaction is over. Ana gets in the car and EEFW throws her cell phone into the trash as she drives away. Yep. Ana is that stupid.

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EEFW gets a bit chatty on the drive and tells Ana that Jack, “wants to thank you in person.”

So…kill her. He wants to kill her.

Ana still doesn’t try to escape. They drive to an abandoned strip mall and Jack comes out to greet them. He makes sure to call Ana some nasty names, and beat her up a little bit. Evil Elizabeth tries to talk Jack into at least torturing Ana in the privacy of the abandoned stores but he’s having none of it.

Ana is on the ground but finally FINALLY remembers that she has a gun in her pants. She shoots Jack in the knee and as she passes out she hears Christian calling for her.

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2 thoughts on “Mission Ana-possible: Chapter 22 of 50 Shades Freed

  1. I just started your blog here, skipping the first 2.5 books and…now it’s a thriller? I can’t believe you managed to read all these, if nothing else because of the constant horrifying reminder that this terrible writer is making so. much. money.

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