Ch. 23 of 50 Shades Freed: Anastasia Steele and the Hospital Room of Boredom and Forgiveness

Ana wakes up in the hospital, as we all do from time to time. Well, sort of. She goes in and out of consciousness as various people come to visit, and talk about Ana as is she wasn’t there. The doctor visits and tells Christian Ana is “fine” and will wake up when she’s good and ready. The baby is also fine, and Christian is ecstatic because he now loves the baby soooo much.

Christian’s dad visits, and Christian repeats over and over how stupid Ana is for trying to save Mia who, it turns out, actually was in danger. Ray visits, and tells Christian to give Ana a good spanking or he will do it himself. That’s…gross. And of course Christian is all…

thatsmyfetish

The detective visits insisting that he question Ana who is still unconscious. He tells us that Evil Elizabeth From Work is singing like the proverbial canary. He says that. Maybe she’s getting a plea deal in exchange for testimony? We’ll never know! Legal matters are confusing!

Christian’s mother visits and tells him that its normal to hurt the people you love. Yes. Normal.

OctodadNormal

Then she proceeds to tell Christian off for being such a cold asshole and walking out after Ana announced her pregnancy. We’re treated to scintillating snippets of Christian wailing and gnashing his teeth because WHY WON’T ANA WAKE UP ITS MAKING ME SAD!!

Then Ana wakes up for realz this time. And she has to pee, but Christian refuses to let her out of bed until the nurse gets there. He calls the nurse and then refuses to let her do anything. So why even call her? It turns out Ana has a catheter. Ana is grossed out and Christian demands that the nurse remove it so that Ana can go to the bathroom.

The nurse says no but Christian insists. Nurse Nora relents but asks him to leave while she removes the catheter. He refuses, and after a standoff with nurse Nora he finally gives in after Ana begs him. Begs. She has to beg. Christian gives Nora exactly 2 minutes to remove the catheter (he both ‘snaps’ and ‘hisses’ at the nurse) and then bursts back in at exactly 2 minutes. Yeah. He’s a bit of a control freak.

Mario

Nora starts helping Ana to the bathroom but Christian freaks the fuck out and insists on carrying Ana to the bathroom. Once there, he refuses to leave the room while she pees. Again, Ana has to beg him to stand outside the door and he only agrees if he can leave the door open. I get that it is supposed to show us how concerned and protective Christian is, but man, it sure comes off as pathologically overbearing.

He carries her back to bed and the nurse gives them both the hairy eye. The nurse conducts an ‘exam’ which mostly consists in asking Ana how she feels. Ana says she is hungry and Christian lights up. He loves cramming food into Ana. Ana asks for soup but the nurse tells them they have to clear it with the doctor.

But Christian is filthy fucking rich. He doesn’t have to do what any ‘doctor’ tells him. Who cares about Ana’s health? No him, he’s just thrilled to get the chance to stuff food in her facehole. He sends Taylor out for soup.

While they wait, Christian gives Ana the 411 on what’s happened since the parking lot: Mia is fine; Jack and Elizabeth are in jail; and its now Saturday (the attacking having been on a Thursday). Ana is glad that Mia really was in danger, so that all her effort wasn’t wasted. Yeah. That’s how she thinks.

Christian makes sure to reiterate just how stupid Ana was for trying to help. Then they laugh briefly over how angry Ana’s nurse is now. They get all lovey-wovey-pookums for a minute, and then Christian ruins it by reminding Ana how fucking angry he is AND how stupid she is.

“What you did was monumentally stupid. Bordering on insane.”

Bordering? Bordering? Shit dude, that’s the geographic centre of Insaneville, USA.

workwithme

The doctor breezes in and gives Ana an even more perfunctory exam than the nurse. She forbids Ana from eating anything but broth. She tells Ana she’ll send along some pain killers and breezes out again.

Of course, Mr and Mrs Richard R. Rich don’t have to listen to any common peasant doctor. Taylor returns with a tureen of cream of chicken soup in a gold and black box, complete with basket of bread rolls and picnic accessories, which Ana eats, even though the doctor just said not to. She even eats the rolls. Christian not only encourages it, he insists on it. What the hell does some doctor know about health?

Peasents

Ana wants to know what happened after she passed out and Christian insists that he won’t tell her unless she keeps eating. Ana stops eating long enough to emote strongly at Christian. She is mad (MAD!) that Christian asked if she was just after his money. How could he believe that of her? After, you know, they had a huge fight and she asked for a divorce and 5 million dollars. Christian is insulted! He growls at Ana to watch her language and just keep eating. She just woke up from a head injury for God’s sake. Now he’s already being a dick again?

Ana then asks how Christian found her in the abandoned parking lot. Well, obviously, Christian had a tracking device installed in her car.

Like every attentive husband.

Let’s just let that sink in.

He had a tracking device installed in her car.

But it gets better. Ana smiles fondly. It makes her all warm and fuzzy inside to know that she can never make a move without him knowing. In fact, she tells us that the cell phone she threw out in the last chapter was one she borrowed from the bank manager. She put her own phone in the money bags BECAUSE SHE KNEW HE COULD TRACK IT. And she’s not just okay with that. She’s happy.

Cray

Well good. You’re both horrible people and you deserve each other.

Nurse Nora comes back with the pain killers and tries to throw Christian out. Again, he flat out refuses, and nurse Nora storms out. They both get a wonderful nights sleep crammed into the little hospital bed like some kind of thing that crams into small spaces, and wake up the next morning to a furious nurse Nora.

Christian brings Ana the world’s biggest breakfast and Ana wolfs it down. Christian is thrilled to watch her fill her face, because that’s his fetish. Well one of them. He isn’t allowed to do the other ones now because he is fixed god dang it! He doesn’t need deviant bad-people sex anymore. So all he has is food.

That’ll end well.

Christian mentions how happy he is to watch Ana eat. Christian looks at him like he’s stupid and say, “It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”

Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that baby. Seriously. Ana is one month pregnant. The baby is a few cells, tops. She isn’t hungry from the baby. Oh well, sensemaking was never her strong suit. Christian either: despite not wanting a kid he muses that if he had known Ana would eat so much, he would have knocked her up earlier. And that’s not just me being crass, he uses those words.

They both suddenly get big eyed and emo – what kind of parents could they possibly be?! They wail and cry and reassure each other that they will try their best and that’s all anyone could ask. They smile and float away on a bed of clouds carried by six gleaming angels singing into the sunlight.

lovecute

Or something like that. I may have stopped paying attention.

 

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