Thursday, May 19, 2011: Christian Grey and the Screaming Heebie-Jeebies

The thing about organizing a story by dates instead of chapters is that sometimes you have a day where nothing much happens. So your chapters may not necessarily all be the same size. Sure you could even out the chapters by skipping some short days and just talking about them later, but you could also just doggedly go day by day and say what happened and when. The choice you make says something about you as a writer.

choices

It turns out that Thursday May 19, 2011 is one of those days when not a lot of stuff actually happens. The chapter is six pages long.

Christian wakes screaming from a nightmare. This happens often in the 50 Shades series. And that’s just me.

Seriously though, Christian informs us that he has woken up screaming every day since Sunday. His dream consists mostly of smells, with Christian telling us that it smells like beer, cigarettes and poverty. It would be nice if there was a particular smell he associated with poverty, but as usual we are left guessing. Description, it’s super effective.

effective

Christian is sooo torn up about his decision to warn Ana away from…himself that he can’t sleep. He’s pissed that he has to work AND play golf when all he wants to do is lie in bed and moan about his lost chance with Ana. He briefly considers calling Elena to find him a new sub which seems to be his go to solution for anything.

Then we are treated to a little wandering-around-the-house-drinking-a-glass-of-water action. Gripping! Christian goes back to bed and stares at the ceiling until his alarm goes off.

Time to make the donuts motherfucker.

On the radio, Christian hears about the sale of a rare manuscript, and he thinks of Ana. He has a brilliant idea! He’ll give Ana a book as an apology for getting her hopes up, totally not as a gesture to show he’s still interested. Because he’s not. He’s totally not.

Dontcare

That’s kind of sweet right? Christian is going to acquire a rare manuscript at great expense for Ana! Ha ha, nope! Why bother? He already has several rare manuscripts just lying around, so he’ll just give Ana one of those. That’ll be fine. In Fifty Shades of Grey, the gift was actually kind of nice – I assumed it was a thoughtful, well considered purchase just for Ana. Now it’s a lame, no effort cop-out.

At least Christian could seem mysterious and dark when we couldn’t see into his thoughts. Grey just lays him bare as an unrepentant asshole. Neither book he has on hand (Jude the Obscure and Tess of the D’Urbervilles) is particularly romantic, so he just goes with Tess. Anyway, he figures, Ana’s probably never owned anything that expensive before so she should be super impressed by it.

He gets to work and is immediately annoyed by all his ultra-hetero female employees all falling all over themselves to hit on him. He’s disgusted that the receptionist greets him with a “flirtatious wave.” Dude. She’s the receptionist. Being cheerful and friendly is her goddamn job. Get over yourself.

getoveryourself

But he calls her, “a cheesy tune on repeat.” Honestly dude. If you can’t stand your employees, hire some that you DO like. Why not hire some men? Or some women who have a bit of fucking professionalism? Or, if no one can resist his vampire billionaire powers, why not hire gay women who won’t care how attractive he is? Because there are no gay people in 50 Shadesland, that’s why. You’d think at least one gay man would trip over himself to hit on the world’s most magical billionaire, but it never happens. The only time gayness is even mentioned is as an insult and horrible social gaffe.

Hey! 1950 called, it want’s it’s social mores back.

Christian gets to his office and orders a coffee from his personal assistant. He’s glad to see Olivia (a random employee we’ve never met) is gone today because she’s “fucking irritating.” His PA asks how he would like his coffee. Christian doesn’t want milk today, not because that’s what he feels like drinking, but because he wants to, “keep them guessing how I take my coffee.”

What?

I'm going to hell
Christ, what an asshole.

He calls Welch to find out when Ana’s final exam is so that he can send the book as a gift for finishing school. Then we head right on in to Christian’s super important business meeting. We learn that he is a super important business man who transacts business at his business factory. There’s talk of shipments and airdrops and greasing palms to get ‘the shipment’ into the Sudan.

This is the fourth book, and we still don’t really know what he does for a living. One of the books assured us that he was developing wind up, or possibly solar powered phones for poor Africans. So is that what they are shipping to Sudan? We’ll never know! But we do know he is totally OK with bribing politicians to get his own way. Nice.

After the meeting Olivia shows up with Christian’s lunch. Dammit, he hates Olivia. Has he mentioned that? She can’t do anything right. He hopes to hell she has brought him a suitable lunch! Of course, he won’t tell his staff what he actually wants for lunch. Heavens to Betsy no! Then he couldn’t bitch when they got it wrong.

Ok, we are supposed to like this guy. Why isn’t he even a little bit likeable? Throw us a bone for God’s sake.

Bone

Christian writes a note to go with the book. We can only hope that he dots his i’s with little hearts. Then he has his too-eager staff send it off. It’s only at this point that Christian admits to himself that maybe he does want to see Ana again. Maybe. A little. We can’t be sure.

And that’s the end of the chapter.

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Sunday May 15, 2011 – Afternoons and Coffee Spoons…er Dates

It is picture day at IckyFeels Junior High and Christian is mentally gearing himself up for the big event. He takes a two hour run and listens to Moby. Is Moby rich people music? Is it running music? I don’t know. But I do know a cliché when I see one and here one comes right now!

As Christian runs, uncertain if he will ever win his One True Love™ “sunshine breaks through the clouds and it gives me hope.”

HeySunshineGurl

Awwwww…sweet huh? It’s nice how Christian’s moods dictate the weather. And by nice I mean ‘unsettling.’

He passes a coffee shop and wonders if he should ask Ana on a date. A coffee date. He gets back to the hotel and eats before showering, because, he informs us, he does not tolerate hunger.

Taylor comes to tell Christian that the kids are set up for the photo shoot. His hair is still wet and unstyled but he doesn’t ‘give a shit.’ He doesn’t give a shit how he looks. He’s a public figure with an image to maintain, a clearly vain fucker who uses his good looks to get what he wants, but he doesn’t care how he looks for his publicity photos?

honebadger

He doesn’t care how he looks to show off for Ana? That doesn’t even make sense. He’s a calculating guy who notices hair and clothing choices. He’d spend a little effort to look good.

Christian arrives at the shoot, finds Ana and shakes her hand. He wants to kiss it instead. He even grosses himself out with the insipid sweetness of this thought.

Kate introduces herself and Christian assesses how much she resembles her father. His conclusion: a lot. He notes that she will have never wanted for anything in her life. He wonders why she is friends with Ana as they have nothing in common. Christian says this knowing almost nothing about either woman. But he can tell with his vampire billionaire powers. He assesses their clothes and handshake styles and determines that they have nothing in common.

Then, a wild José appears and it is ON. Christian immediately assumes he is Ana’s boyfriend. He immediately wonders: are they fucking?

José extends his hand for shaking and says, “Mr. Grey.” Christian loses his metaphorical shit. He calls this “a warning.” And tells us that Jose is, “telling me to back off.” Yes Christian, everyone is challenging your manliness ALL THE TIME. He is just as delusional as Ana.

He lets himself be directed around for the shoot while he watches Ana interact. He decides that Kate likes to be in charge and Ana likes to be submissive so thaaat must be why they are friends. Not because of anything as crass as shared interests, or experiences. That’s crazy talk!

Bitches

Ana looks at Christian and for some reason he decides to stare her down, being very gratified when he succeeds. Um, okay dude, you out-stared and naturally meek person. Nooot that big of an accomplishment.

Then the pictures are done and Christian angles her out into the hall to ask for that coffee date. There’s a brief moment of tension where we are led to believe that Ana doesn’t’ want to go. But it turns out she just has to change cars with Kate so Kate can drop everyone back home.

Ana heads off to trade keys with Kate while Christian broods in the hallway. He imagines Ana making out with José and gets all mad and jealous. Of his imagination. When Ana gets back he is relieved that she doesn’t look like she’s been kissing. Whatever that might mean.

They board the Sexy Elevator of Sex, and interrupt another couple making out. Christian mutters: “What is it about elevators?” Yup. They went there. Somebody has a thing for elevators. I guess. But the elevator soon works its sexy magic on them and “the atmosphere is thick with unfulfilled desire.”

Christian consoles himself by thinking about how Ana is much too young, and much too innocent for his illicit advances. And anyway, holding hands is super groovy. For some reason they are holding hands.

They arrive at the coffee shop and Christian memorises Ana’s order so he can know it for later. He agonises because the cashiers are nice to him, and all he wants is for them to shut up and give him his order. He should be on white whine.

As he turns to head back to the table he catches Ana looking at him and a, “bubble of hope swells in my chest.” Oh honey, that’s just gas. You should get that looked at. He ‘manages a cordial response,’ to the cashier despite her being unfailingly nice to him.

What an asshole.

Christian sits down and begins interrogating Ana. José, is he her boyfriend? Paul from the hardware store, he is her boyfriend, right? Ana tells him no and makes a huge mess with her tea – these things are both pleasing to his Royal Craziness. But despite all this scintillating conversation, Ana seems nervous. Under questioning, Ana admits that she finds Christian intimidating.

“You should find me intimidating.”

He says. He says that. What a guy! No, dude, buddy, pal, she should be afraid of you. Because you are crazy. It gets weirder though, I swear. Christian calls Anastasia by her first name, but expects Ana to call him Mr. Grey. When she calls him on it, he thinks to himself that he doesn’t even know if that is his real name.

Dude. That’s not how names work. If his adoptive parents named him Christian and that’s the name he goes by then that is his name. His birth name isn’t some magical power source – it doesn’t matter. He certainly doesn’t remember it, so why get all emo about it?

Then this line happens:

As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she’s describing what she likes in a man.

Whaaaaaaat?! What do I even say about that line? I’m not going even going to try, because it is its own worst enemy.

Then, in a fit of the ‘One Directions’ Christian realises that Ana doesn’t know she’s beautiful. That’s the problem! He peels back the paper on his muffin as sexfully as he can while imagining all the sexy things they could do with…a…muffin?

fetish

Okay.

Christian continues to press her for details about her family, while not really even listening and thinking about how dreamy her eyes are. He imagines taking her on vacation to all the tropical places where the ocean would match her eyes. But he’s not a flowers and romance kind of guy.

Sure buddy.

Ana then (Gasp! Swoon!) asks Christian about his family. He’s upset and tries to redirect her to another topic. He tells her that she already asked him some pretty ‘probing’ questions at the interview last week, so she doesn’t get to ask any more.

And, of course, if you didn’t get what Christian was aiming at with his probing questions remark, he spells it out for you – You asked if I was gay.

gasp

The horror! The horror! Apparently they are going to flog this just as much in Grey as they did in 50 Shades. And it is just as uncomfortable for the reader. Both Ana and Christian are mortified by the mere possibility that someone is gay. Think about it: not a single incidental side character in the series is gay. Not one. Nobody. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

They should have called this book 50 Straights of White because that’s what it is. The straightiest, whitiest book ever. Jose is the only PoC, as far as I can see. Take from that what you will.

After bringing up the forbidden question, Ana is suitably flustered and babbles about her family instead of asking Christian anything more. Ana talks about how much she likes books and it makes Christian…sad. He can’t compete with romantic heroes from books! That’s not what he is!

Wink

The date is starting to fall apart. Ana looks at her watch and thanks him for the tea. She really has to be going. Christian moans internally that he’s blown the deal. He offers to walk her back to her car because he’s suddenly desperate for Ana to stay.

You wouldn’t think it possible, but it just gets weirder. Ana reveals that she always wears jeans, and Christian is way turned off. Jeans are gross. Then Ana asks if Christian has a girlfriend. That’s the last straw. Christian is done with this date. He doesn’t do the girlfriend thing.

Ana is so shocked she falls into the road and almost gets run over by a cyclist. Christian catches her and they stare longingly into each other’s eyes. Christian notices that she smells like apple orchard. Ana puts her lips out like a cartoon (I remember this part from the other book!) and Christian pushes her away dramatically.

Ana is pissed, and Christian gets sent into an emo spiral. He warns Ana to stay away. He just isn’t the right kind of man for a nice girl like her. They return to the hotel in pissey silence and they exchange curt goodbyes. Ana leaves and all Christian can think about is blue eyes and apple orchards.

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Saturday, May 14, 2011: A Tale of Cocks and Stalking

Chapter 2 starts with a page of details on Anastasia – her birthdate, banking information, SAT score among other things. It’s intrusive and gross. Then the narrative starts and the ‘intrusive and gross’ factor gets upped considerably. Christian is compulsively reading the executive summary of Ana’s background check while sitting in his car outside her place of employment.

Christian can’t stop thinking about Ana. He has waited a whole week to see if the thoughts go away on their own, but since they didn’t, Christian is going to act on them. He wonders if Ana will make a good submissive, and if she even knows what that means. Probably not. He isn’t attracted to her smarts.

Tellingly, Christian admits that he hasn’t spoken to Flynn (his therapist) about the thoughts or the stalking because he knows how bad this looks, and is. He admits that he is, “behaving like a stalker.” Dude, acting like a stalker makes you a stalker. I mean, unless there is some extremely unlikely rom-com scenario in play that requires Christian to show up everywhere Ana just happens to be, but which is totally unrelated to Ana, then Christian is just straight-up stalking her.

Stalker

And that’s what’s happening here.

Once he works up the courage to go into the store, Christian decides it would be fun to mess with Ana’s head, having her direct him to sexually themed hardware like zip ties, duct tape, and rope. Ana gets all flustered because apparently no one but the sexiest of sex perverts ever comes to a hardware store for these items. These normal, everyday hardware store items.

Christian admires Ana’s ‘qualifications’ as she shows him around (i.e. her tits and ass – his words). His cock apparently enjoys the view as much as he does.

Which is something I’d like to mention here. Remember how Ana had her Subconscious and her Inner Goddess? Well, Christian treats his cock the same way. It’s his alternate personality. So far is hasn’t done any somersaults, shaken any pom poms, or frowned at Christian over its little penis glasses, but hey there’s plenty of time for that. I’m secretly hoping that his other personality turns out to be his scrotum. I’m going to name it Scrotes McGoats. Maybe it can be the cranky one.

Scrotes

Or the goofy one.

Where were we? Oh yeah.

Having finished with his flimsy pretext for being at Clayton’s Hardware in the first place, Christian makes flimsy small talk to see if he can find a flimsy pretext for seeing Ana again. Luckily, Ana mentions that Kate would like some pictures of Christian to go along with the article she’s writing for the Daily MacGuffin.

Christian happily hands over his bweez-ness card and tells Ana to call him before 10 am tomorrow. Interestingly, (to me anyway) is that Christian tells himself that if Ana doesn’t call by then he will forget about her. Forever. You know, somehow I think she is going to call. Just call it a hunch.

Then Paul, the boss’s brother, shows up and gives Ana a hug. Ana introduces Paul and explains who he is, strongly implying that they aren’t a couple.

Oh my God. Christian is a terrible terrible person. Inside his head Christian calls Paul a prick, a gorilla, an asshole, a prick again, tells him to fuck off and, wants Paul to get his “fucking paws” off Ana. All in the space of a single page. Remember, at this point, we are talking about a girl he has met once for an interview. He’s stalking her at her workplace and mentally trash talking her random male acquaintance.

NO

Paul and Christian shake hands, and I guess it’s some kind of mind meld because suddenly Paul knows exactly who he is talking to – THE Christian Grey, Super Genius…I mean, billionaire. Paul scurries off leaving Ana and Christian to make more awkward small talk.

Christian finally leaves and it takes every ounce of willpower he has not to look back to see Ana one more time. Instead he sits in his car and watches out the rear view mirror to see if she is watching him. She isn’t. It makes him sad.

sad

Well, he has some time to kill before next chapter, so he decides to go for a hike. That’s…that’s a surprisingly wholesome activity for a ludicrously wealthy pervert such as himself. But whatever. Who am I to judge?

Dawn of the First Day – Monday, May 9, 2011

When I heard about Grey a month or so ago, I was actually kind of interested in seeing Christian’s perspective. Now, having read chapter one, I am no longer interested at all. The chapters are arranged by date rather than number so we start off on:

Dawn1

Monday May 9th, 2011

We start with a dream sequence because why not? Christian is well, less than 4, because he’s back with his birth mother. He plays with some toy cars while she ignores him. When he loses one under the couch, she gets mad at him and calls him a maggot. He can see his little car but can never play with it again.

It’s all very dramatic and emo. We’re obviously supposed to feel sorry for Christian, but it fails to conjure any kind of emotion, except maybe mild repugnance that it is such an obvious narrative ploy. And this is coming from a person who cried her fucking face off at Toy Story 3. An animated movie about sentient possibly immortal toys managed to tug at my heartstrings, while this is tugging at, I don’t know, my colon I guess.

Christian wakes up, thinks “WTF?” and promptly forgets about it. He has a busy day of meetings ahead. He puts on his sweaty sweat-sweats and hits the treadmill. He thinks about calling Elena, since she’s his only friend and he’s recently cut loose his latest submissive.

Then we are at Grey’s office and Christian is dismissing his personal trainer, and is pissed that the trainer is better than him at…whatever it is he does…they don’t specify. Christian sits alone in his office and feels boooored. He’s so bored, even the weather is grey.

bored

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!

Christian sighs as he realises that he has to sit through a student interview with Kate Kavanagh, an interview he only agreed to because he knows Kate’s dad and wants to be owed a favour. It’s made clear that Christian views everything through a transactional lens. He only does anything to get something in return.

Then Ana bursts in the door like Kramer. Christian is annoyed that she is not Kate (what about his favour?), and annoyed that she is clumsy, but he helps her up anyway because it would look bad if he didn’t act vaguely like a human being.

Ana looks at him with her baby blues and suddenly Christian feels “exposed.” He doesn’t like it. So he starts thinking about what she would look like after being caned. He’s known her for all of two seconds and he’s ready to pull out the heavy fuck-tillery.

Ana “gapes” at him, and Christian knows it’s because he’s so fucking beautiful. He thinks, “Yeah, yeah, baby, it’s just a face…

zapp

Gross, right? He muses that she’s too young for his tastes, but Christian is bored and she’s annoying so he decides to have some fun messing with her head.

He’s good people.

Christian pretends he doesn’t know Ana isn’t Kate, forcing her to embarrass herself explaining why she’s here in Kate’s place. He thinks about how ugly and cheap her clothes are, and mentally mocks her poor sense of style. He practically facepalms while she fumbles for an entire page to get her voice recorder set up. Instead of snatching it out of her hands and setting it up himself, he amuses himself by thinking about riding crops, and all the things he is going to do to Ana’s mouth.

Finally, Ana gets her tech shit together and asks him if he minds her recording the interview. Christian has to stop himself from laughing in her face. Why not ask before she spent all that time setting the recorder up? Why indeed.

She starts asking questions and Christian realises that Ana is the worst journalist ever. She knows nothing about him and is reading her questions from a sheet. He’s still pretty annoyed but increasingly distracted by her hotness. Then she asks him if he feels lucky.

Lucky

Well, do you?

No Christian does not feel lucky! He feels livid! He’s fucking furious at her impertinent questions! He worked hard for his success and no one has ever helped him. Not his rich parents, not the elite education they provided him. It was all him, and if he had stayed with his birth mother I’m sure he would have been juuuust as successful.

Uh- huh.

He’s like all the worst parts of Johnny Bravo, Zapp Brannigan, and Scrooge McDuck all rolled into one, with a liberal peppering of Severus Snape for that brooding emo undertone.

Snape

When he calms down from his little tantrum Ana points out that he sounds like a control freak. And since everything she says is an excuse for him to make some kind of gross sexual comment, he says:

“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele.”

Ana isn’t as impressed by that as Christian had hoped, so he tells her he employs forty thousand people and could destroy their lives at a whim. Ana is shocked and Christian is happy again. If he can’t impress the girl, repulsing her is good enough.

Ana asks if he has any outside interests, and he is all like, Oh baby, you don’t even know about it and imagines her in some kind of sex-dungeon montage. It’s tiresome. Ana pitches softballs (what are his hobbies? Why does he invest in farming?) and Christian gives pat answers while thinking about sex.

The interview goes on like this, all poorly thought out questions and sexual innuendoes until…the question.

THE question.

“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”

Patrick

Everything comes to a screeching halt. I’m just going to quote the text here because it is its own delightful shit show.

What the hell?

I cannot believe she’s said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.

That’s in there. That’s actually factually what it says. And that, my friends, is why everyone thinks 50 Shades is homophobic. It’s supposed to be 2011 for God’s sake, not 1954. At least he doesn’t verbalise any of this crap. He just answers, that no, he is not gay.

Christian’s secretary knocks on the door just in time to dispel the weirdness in the air – it is time for his next meeting. Christian has her cancel the meeting – he is suddenly desperate for Ana to stay. It’s obvious that Ana doesn’t really like him but he uses his magical billionaire powers to make her be attracted to him. Christian decides it’s time for the smolder.

He is “gratified” when it works.

Christian offers her an internship (he plans on paying her ‘some other way’) but Ana refuses. He offers her a tour of the company, but she refuses that too. He tries every ploy in his book to get her to stay, but Ana makes to leave anyway.

His sexy sex-thoughts having gone into overdrive, Christian tries a desperate last ditch move. He helps her with her coat as a pretense to touch her, and thusly to use his magic sex-telepath powers. It works! She doesn’t stay, but now he’s content to let her leave.

We end the chapter with Christian ordering Welch (the security guy) to run a background check on Anastasia.

Fifty Shades Freed – The Epiloguening

Yeah there’s an Epilogue.

Actually there are two epilogues, but the second one is an early draft of the first chapter of Grey so I’m not including it here. It’s different enough to be annoying but not different enough to be interesting.

The epilogue is a kind of blurry-cam fantasy about Ana and Christian finally getting the perfect life that every imagination-impaired suburban mom living an empty loveless marriage has always wanted. Buckle in to the vomit comet, folks, it’s going to be a cloying, insipid ride.

It’s now May of 2014, so I think we just time jumped two years into the future. Ana is relaxing in the sun on a picnic blanket. She tells us she should feel guilty for being so happy, but she doesn’t. How British is that? She should feel guilty for being happy!

Having jumped forward two years we promptly FLASH BACK to two years ago on the last night at Christian’s penthouse. And Thank God they are finally having sex again. It starts with Christian flogging Ana’s pregnant belly. Seems like a good sensible idea.

“Have you had enough yet, Ana?” Christin asks.

enough

Oh God yes! Make this shit stop. Oh wait…ha ha…you weren’t talking to me. Oh well, carry on then.

Christian is touching her in “that spot, that sweet spot…” There’s always a deliciously ridiculous air of ambiguity during the sex in this book. Oh Ana, just show us on the doll where he touched you. Also, it’s interesting that she doesn’t have any more recent episodes of sex to fantasise about. Did the sex go downhill that fast?

We go back to the future…present…the future/present. As opposed to the past present that we were just in before we time jumped two years. Christian is also lying on the picnic blanket, as they have just had sex. Ana is pregnant with baby numero dos and baby number one is God knows where. But they love each other and that’s all that matters.

ILoveYou

Then Ana wakes up. Nope, the whole thing wasn’t a dream (damn). It’s just later in the day. Christian and Ted – they named the baby Ted for God’s sake – are frolicking through the meadow. Young master Ted is frustrated that he can’t find his mother and demands that she show herself. They find Ana, who is delighted that her young son is as disdainful of her as her husband is.

They blow sunshine up each other’s asses for a few minutes until Sophia, Taylor’s daughter, shows up to hand out popsicles. They send Ted off with the servant girl and bite each other for a bit.

That about sums it up

Then they talk about how business is booming, and how much money Ana’s company is making even though Christian prefers her, “barefoot and pregnant and in my kitchen.” Teddy has a massive meltdown over his popsicle. Ana and Christian laugh giddily about how delightful it all is. They walk leisurely back to the house and wave at the servants.

We flash back yet again, to Teddy’s birth this time, and I wonder briefly why we just didn’t tell the story in order.

Ana has every conceivable problem a woman could have during delivery and ends up having an emergency C-section. But it all turns out fine and we come back to the future/present with both our characters having a little shiver-of-fear moment.

They decide to call the new baby Phoebe which is at least marginally better than Ted. Christian puts Ted to bed and gets super excited setting up the world’s most elaborate train set. We learn it is Teddy’s birthday tomorrow and Kate and Elliot are coming to show off their new baby.

The sun sets dramatically and romantically over their private harbour as they stare into each other’s eyes and declare their undying love for each other. Always.

And then an asteroid crashes into the earth and they all die.

Earth Super animated GIF

Chapter 25 of 50 Shades Freed: I’m Free! I’m Free!

This is the last chapter. The chapter where, apparently, the author decided that enough was enough and stamped a big THE END on her computer screen. Everyone is happy and everything is forgiven because the author says so and she is GOD!!!

Ok, I just wanna stop right here and ask: when was the last time these two had sex? This has turned from sexy-almost-but-not-quite bondage porn to adventure/mystery/thriller/piss-poor romance.

Yikes! There was just way too much punctuation in that last sentence.

But really, I’m going to look back riiiight now. Watch this while I’m gone:

So they last had sex in chapter nineteen, one hundred pages ago. There just isn’t enough porn in this porn. I could appreciate the crappy story if it was just basically a wrapper for bondage porn, but we seem to have left that behind. Far behind.

Here’s what happens. What actually happens.

In the last chapter Christian finally opened up. Now they are sitting on the bed, kicking their legs like 15 year old girls at a slumber party and Ana is wondering whether she really wants to know all of Christian’s deep dark secrets. You do, Ana! You do! After all this time trust me, you want to know.

Ted

Picture this: Christian is 15 and he needs money for booze so he does some yard work for him mom’s friend, Elena Lincoln. Like in every porn ever, Mrs. Lincoln offers Christian some lemonade and then offers to pay him ‘some other way.’ Since she is so hot and Christian is so messed up, he accepts and so starts their DOM/sub relationship.

It makes Ana ‘queasy’ that Christian considers Elena a hot, older woman. What makes me queasy is how improbable it is that Christian was a brawling, alcoholic, human-touch-abhorring teen. I want to reiterate he was raised in a mansion from the age of four by a doting doctor and a wealthy lawyer. He had the best of care, the best psychiatrists, the best private school education, the best of everything.

DawsonCry

And yet, we are to believe that he grew up as an unlovable savage, a reject, and the only thing that restored focus in his life was his role as Mrs. Lincoln’s sub.

What. Ev. Er.

Christian goes on to tell us he thought he was fixed until Ana came into his life and REALLY fixed him. Like for realz this time. Sure he misses his BDSM lifestyle but only because it allowed him to keep everyone at arm’s length. And now that he’s fixed, he doesn’t need to do that.

But it gets better. Remember how mad Christian was about Ana rescuing confronting Jack and rescuing Mia? Well, it turns out he’s not mad about that at all! In fact he’s ecstatic because it proves how much Ana loves him. All this time Ana was telling him she loved him when all he needed was for her to risk her life, and the life of his unborn baby, to save his sister.

Silly Ana why didn’t you just do that in the first place?

silly

Christian then apologises for his huge, ridiculous, and kinda vicious blow-up when Ana announced she was pregnant. Its okay, Ana just took him by surprise, Christian likes kids and wants some but he doesn’t like being surprised. So really this is all Ana’s fault.

Christian’s case of verbal diarrhea just goes on and on as he moves along to the story of how he went to get drunk with Elena during his fight with Ana. He went for a walk and “just ended up” at Elena’s salon. Whoops! Then they just sort of ended up at a quiet bar and oops! Somehow ordered a bottle of wine.

Buuut Christian swears that they agreed never to see each other again for realz this time. Elena agreed never to contact him again. Aaand Christian swears he never told her Ana was pregnant. Which sounds cool except for the text Elena sent after agreeing never to contact him again. The one assuring Christian that he will be an awesome father.

Also she made a pass at him and he said no…cough cough.

hawkward

Then they both cry and feel all the looming parenthood feels. It’s like an all you can feel buffet. Then it’s the next day. Not just the next day, we skip Sunday and go straight on into Monday. Ana decides she’s going to work even though her doctor has decreed at least two weeks off.

Christian forbids it and to punish him, I guess, she dresses up in an outfit that resembles nothing so much as sexy anime girl. White blouse, ultra short black skirt, lacy black thigh highs and some kind of super expensive rich-people shoes. Thusly:

animeAna

Ana figures that if she can’t go to work at least her and her husband can get busay! Again, Christian forbids it and they go to visit their unfinished house. Now that they are in love Christian doesn’t need to work either. He leaves his partner to run whatever business it is. But first of course we are treated to a loving description of Ana and how much breakfast she can eat now that she’s ONE MONTH PREGNANT.

They find Elliot on the roof, but the house is boring so they go for a picnic on the meadow. It has a meadow. The picnic is super eventful though – Christian gets a call from his crack team of crackerjack sleuths and we find out (DUN DUN DUN) that all this time Jack has been financed by Elena Lincoln’s barely ever mentioned husband.

Turns out Mr. Lincoln hates Christian for sexing his wife (even though, you know, she was the aggressor) and has been trying to destroy Christian out of some misplaced sense of revenge. Makes sense.

Sort of.

I guess.

Christian responds by making some calls. He claims that at the end of 5 minutes of cell phone time he has purchased Linc’s company, broken it up, sold it off, and bankrupted him. Good plan genius! Now he totally won’t want any more revenge! But we are given to believe that this is all fixed now because it’s the end of the book dammit!

After this awesome bit of I-don’t-even-know-what they finally have sex again. In the meadow, while Christian’s brother presumably looks on from the roof. Christian literally rips Ana’s clothes off (I hope they brought spares!) and they get down to business. Weird business. I mean, read these descriptions. Glory in them!

“My panties disintegrate.”

“Desire detonates like an incendiary device igniting my bloodstream.”

That…that sounds like not any fun at all. Like, ouch. Seriously.

Then its two days later and Ana has an idea. She strips down to her underwear all sexy-like and emails her husband. Oooh baby email me harder! Apparently it works that way because Christian shows up to lead her happily to the Red Room of Pain. Which Ana LOVES! Remember?! Remember all the loving it that she did throughout the series?!

Because she loves playing at BDSM now. Suddenly and for no apparent reason.

THE END

theend

No seriously. That’s the end.