Chapter 25 of 50 Shades Freed: I’m Free! I’m Free!

This is the last chapter. The chapter where, apparently, the author decided that enough was enough and stamped a big THE END on her computer screen. Everyone is happy and everything is forgiven because the author says so and she is GOD!!!

Ok, I just wanna stop right here and ask: when was the last time these two had sex? This has turned from sexy-almost-but-not-quite bondage porn to adventure/mystery/thriller/piss-poor romance.

Yikes! There was just way too much punctuation in that last sentence.

But really, I’m going to look back riiiight now. Watch this while I’m gone:

So they last had sex in chapter nineteen, one hundred pages ago. There just isn’t enough porn in this porn. I could appreciate the crappy story if it was just basically a wrapper for bondage porn, but we seem to have left that behind. Far behind.

Here’s what happens. What actually happens.

In the last chapter Christian finally opened up. Now they are sitting on the bed, kicking their legs like 15 year old girls at a slumber party and Ana is wondering whether she really wants to know all of Christian’s deep dark secrets. You do, Ana! You do! After all this time trust me, you want to know.

Ted

Picture this: Christian is 15 and he needs money for booze so he does some yard work for him mom’s friend, Elena Lincoln. Like in every porn ever, Mrs. Lincoln offers Christian some lemonade and then offers to pay him ‘some other way.’ Since she is so hot and Christian is so messed up, he accepts and so starts their DOM/sub relationship.

It makes Ana ‘queasy’ that Christian considers Elena a hot, older woman. What makes me queasy is how improbable it is that Christian was a brawling, alcoholic, human-touch-abhorring teen. I want to reiterate he was raised in a mansion from the age of four by a doting doctor and a wealthy lawyer. He had the best of care, the best psychiatrists, the best private school education, the best of everything.

DawsonCry

And yet, we are to believe that he grew up as an unlovable savage, a reject, and the only thing that restored focus in his life was his role as Mrs. Lincoln’s sub.

What. Ev. Er.

Christian goes on to tell us he thought he was fixed until Ana came into his life and REALLY fixed him. Like for realz this time. Sure he misses his BDSM lifestyle but only because it allowed him to keep everyone at arm’s length. And now that he’s fixed, he doesn’t need to do that.

But it gets better. Remember how mad Christian was about Ana rescuing confronting Jack and rescuing Mia? Well, it turns out he’s not mad about that at all! In fact he’s ecstatic because it proves how much Ana loves him. All this time Ana was telling him she loved him when all he needed was for her to risk her life, and the life of his unborn baby, to save his sister.

Silly Ana why didn’t you just do that in the first place?

silly

Christian then apologises for his huge, ridiculous, and kinda vicious blow-up when Ana announced she was pregnant. Its okay, Ana just took him by surprise, Christian likes kids and wants some but he doesn’t like being surprised. So really this is all Ana’s fault.

Christian’s case of verbal diarrhea just goes on and on as he moves along to the story of how he went to get drunk with Elena during his fight with Ana. He went for a walk and “just ended up” at Elena’s salon. Whoops! Then they just sort of ended up at a quiet bar and oops! Somehow ordered a bottle of wine.

Buuut Christian swears that they agreed never to see each other again for realz this time. Elena agreed never to contact him again. Aaand Christian swears he never told her Ana was pregnant. Which sounds cool except for the text Elena sent after agreeing never to contact him again. The one assuring Christian that he will be an awesome father.

Also she made a pass at him and he said no…cough cough.

hawkward

Then they both cry and feel all the looming parenthood feels. It’s like an all you can feel buffet. Then it’s the next day. Not just the next day, we skip Sunday and go straight on into Monday. Ana decides she’s going to work even though her doctor has decreed at least two weeks off.

Christian forbids it and to punish him, I guess, she dresses up in an outfit that resembles nothing so much as sexy anime girl. White blouse, ultra short black skirt, lacy black thigh highs and some kind of super expensive rich-people shoes. Thusly:

animeAna

Ana figures that if she can’t go to work at least her and her husband can get busay! Again, Christian forbids it and they go to visit their unfinished house. Now that they are in love Christian doesn’t need to work either. He leaves his partner to run whatever business it is. But first of course we are treated to a loving description of Ana and how much breakfast she can eat now that she’s ONE MONTH PREGNANT.

They find Elliot on the roof, but the house is boring so they go for a picnic on the meadow. It has a meadow. The picnic is super eventful though – Christian gets a call from his crack team of crackerjack sleuths and we find out (DUN DUN DUN) that all this time Jack has been financed by Elena Lincoln’s barely ever mentioned husband.

Turns out Mr. Lincoln hates Christian for sexing his wife (even though, you know, she was the aggressor) and has been trying to destroy Christian out of some misplaced sense of revenge. Makes sense.

Sort of.

I guess.

Christian responds by making some calls. He claims that at the end of 5 minutes of cell phone time he has purchased Linc’s company, broken it up, sold it off, and bankrupted him. Good plan genius! Now he totally won’t want any more revenge! But we are given to believe that this is all fixed now because it’s the end of the book dammit!

After this awesome bit of I-don’t-even-know-what they finally have sex again. In the meadow, while Christian’s brother presumably looks on from the roof. Christian literally rips Ana’s clothes off (I hope they brought spares!) and they get down to business. Weird business. I mean, read these descriptions. Glory in them!

“My panties disintegrate.”

“Desire detonates like an incendiary device igniting my bloodstream.”

That…that sounds like not any fun at all. Like, ouch. Seriously.

Then its two days later and Ana has an idea. She strips down to her underwear all sexy-like and emails her husband. Oooh baby email me harder! Apparently it works that way because Christian shows up to lead her happily to the Red Room of Pain. Which Ana LOVES! Remember?! Remember all the loving it that she did throughout the series?!

Because she loves playing at BDSM now. Suddenly and for no apparent reason.

THE END

theend

No seriously. That’s the end.

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