Fifty Shades Freed – The Epiloguening

Yeah there’s an Epilogue.

Actually there are two epilogues, but the second one is an early draft of the first chapter of Grey so I’m not including it here. It’s different enough to be annoying but not different enough to be interesting.

The epilogue is a kind of blurry-cam fantasy about Ana and Christian finally getting the perfect life that every imagination-impaired suburban mom living an empty loveless marriage has always wanted. Buckle in to the vomit comet, folks, it’s going to be a cloying, insipid ride.

It’s now May of 2014, so I think we just time jumped two years into the future. Ana is relaxing in the sun on a picnic blanket. She tells us she should feel guilty for being so happy, but she doesn’t. How British is that? She should feel guilty for being happy!

Having jumped forward two years we promptly FLASH BACK to two years ago on the last night at Christian’s penthouse. And Thank God they are finally having sex again. It starts with Christian flogging Ana’s pregnant belly. Seems like a good sensible idea.

“Have you had enough yet, Ana?” Christin asks.

enough

Oh God yes! Make this shit stop. Oh wait…ha ha…you weren’t talking to me. Oh well, carry on then.

Christian is touching her in “that spot, that sweet spot…” There’s always a deliciously ridiculous air of ambiguity during the sex in this book. Oh Ana, just show us on the doll where he touched you. Also, it’s interesting that she doesn’t have any more recent episodes of sex to fantasise about. Did the sex go downhill that fast?

We go back to the future…present…the future/present. As opposed to the past present that we were just in before we time jumped two years. Christian is also lying on the picnic blanket, as they have just had sex. Ana is pregnant with baby numero dos and baby number one is God knows where. But they love each other and that’s all that matters.

ILoveYou

Then Ana wakes up. Nope, the whole thing wasn’t a dream (damn). It’s just later in the day. Christian and Ted – they named the baby Ted for God’s sake – are frolicking through the meadow. Young master Ted is frustrated that he can’t find his mother and demands that she show herself. They find Ana, who is delighted that her young son is as disdainful of her as her husband is.

They blow sunshine up each other’s asses for a few minutes until Sophia, Taylor’s daughter, shows up to hand out popsicles. They send Ted off with the servant girl and bite each other for a bit.

That about sums it up

Then they talk about how business is booming, and how much money Ana’s company is making even though Christian prefers her, “barefoot and pregnant and in my kitchen.” Teddy has a massive meltdown over his popsicle. Ana and Christian laugh giddily about how delightful it all is. They walk leisurely back to the house and wave at the servants.

We flash back yet again, to Teddy’s birth this time, and I wonder briefly why we just didn’t tell the story in order.

Ana has every conceivable problem a woman could have during delivery and ends up having an emergency C-section. But it all turns out fine and we come back to the future/present with both our characters having a little shiver-of-fear moment.

They decide to call the new baby Phoebe which is at least marginally better than Ted. Christian puts Ted to bed and gets super excited setting up the world’s most elaborate train set. We learn it is Teddy’s birthday tomorrow and Kate and Elliot are coming to show off their new baby.

The sun sets dramatically and romantically over their private harbour as they stare into each other’s eyes and declare their undying love for each other. Always.

And then an asteroid crashes into the earth and they all die.

Earth Super animated GIF

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